To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

Totally agree that people have got more ‘into’ analysing their feeling more and this is leading to everyone’s childhood being analysed and therefore their parents being criticised. I dread to think what my DC will say when an adult!
We’re all looking at trauma and triggers and all the cause and effect that goes with it. That can be positive in many cases, but yes is a bit of a potential bomb within families!

Yes they came back from uni like they knew everything! As for paying their way I think you need to be clear before you go that you’re going to pay for yourselves. I could t wait to treat my mum when I started earning. Sadly today’s youth are not so eager.

I also think part of the problem is poorly reported and misinterpreted study that makes people believe "brains aren't mature till they're 25". Then they're shocked that their children reach 25 and are still not mature, because of course brains learn by doing.

Thanks for this it’s very interesting actually. I need to sit and read some (like yours) in more depth after I’ve taken care of my responsibilities at home. I think some of this is my own doing definitely. I should have mentioned some things that have hurt my feelings to her in real time but because I am the sort of person that only really has my family that matter to me and would never ever fall out with them I am quickly over things and tend to smooth things over (maybe a personality flaw). Some people think I’m over egging my parenting when I say that I didn’t smoke or drink etc and they say that should be the absolute minimum. It isn’t the absolute minimum though is it? Some people, like you, had parents that weren’t bad parents but that weren’t perfect and moved you at a young age. I tried to be perfect, I over thank everything I did, I asked advice, I read the books and the advice from experts. For example, when my relationship broke down I had to drive her to school for the next 6 years because I could only afford a house outside of the catchment area, I’m not resentful if that at all but I did it because I didn’t want her to have to make new friends, I just tried so hard to do the right thing even when it made my life so much harder. I sort of became less of a person and more just a Mum so it does sting a little that she still seems a little resentful. But then I’m emotionally mature enough to realise that it was my choice to do that and of course I will have made different mistakes without meaning to.

I agree completely with all of the PP’s on here who say that many people gain a much more sympathetic and accurate perspective of their parent’s struggles and situation, only once their children are in their twenties too.

In addition to the above, I think there has been a societal shift in parenting, and the level of focus and material things given to children.

There has quite rightly been a lot of emphasis on the self development of children and their individual emotional health and happiness, but perhaps with insufficient focus on how others feel too and how we all have to fit in and contribute to society,and not just take from it.

Another thing, I was reflecting the other day how my adult daughters have expensive phones, and top quality lap tops, while my dh and I are managing with old, slow tech. Something we have completely and intentionally brought upon ourselves!

They also have brand new air fryers and new high tog value duvets at uni while we are left with the old mismatched duvet sets and battered pans! 😆

And I must say that is exactly how we like it!

Interestingly though, when we were young, it was completely the other way around, and it was us students who had to make do with the old battered equipment and our parents who had first choice of everything new!

I guess we all run more with societal trends and norms than we realise!

But I do think that we Boomers sometimes get unfair criticism because, for example , we grew up in the 70s in the north in quite poor circumstances, and were subject to quite harsh bordering on neglectful hands-off parenting, but still we have gladly poured all of our love and material wealth in to our dc, precisely so they don’t experience what we experienced, but we still get it in the neck from our offspring! 😆😄🙈. It’s a double whammy alright!

That’s what I think! There can’t be a perfect parent can there? 😭 I have tried so hard. I think we do need to build more resilience in our children. My parents were questionable but it was the 80’s and I know they tried and did what they thought was best in that moment. Me and my siblings laugh about it and slag them off a bit when we’re together but you can bet your bottom dollar we’re dropping presents off and offering to pay sometimes and we’re not making snide comments to them etc. I do think some of them need to just get over it a bit over the small things. I know they don’t feel small to them but they really are when you see what some parents are like.

I'm late 60s, DS is early 30s. Recently become a homeowner with his partner.q No expectation of help though we have gifted money for solicitors fees etc and recently gave him a sum of money for his birthday, to treat himself. We've helped him do various bits and bobs around the house and he has treated us to meals out to thank us. He's very good at managing his money without being tight. I actually think he's become more generous since buying their house.

Elder millenial here, so a generation in between boomer and Gen Z.

I think it may still be true that some boomers may not realise the challenges that younger people live with (but that most do, now). Equally I think that younger adults like to play the victim a little.

Every generation has/had their challenges. Thankfully, Gen Z did not have to live through the Aids crisis, the great depression or two world wars.

'Aghast'. God, childless 30somethings getting drunk and having fun - prithee loosen my bodice for I fear I will swoon at the horror of it.

Boomers only had to live through one of those tbf. The name literally refers to the baby boom after WW2.

Another thing to add, as millennials you can’t move on social media without someone complaining about their parents or diagnosing people with mental health issues.

My parents were not perfect, there are things I’ll do differently. But they made me feel loved and safe. They annoyed me (still do sometimes 😂) but there’s no way I’m going to blame them for shit in my life now. There comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your own stuff going on.

Yes I know. I was giving examples of things that caused struggle for previous generations but not Gen Z (as we are talking about OP's daughter's generation feeling like they have struggles that are new and unique to them. This may be true, but I think it's true for many if not every generation.

Each and every generation has had problems.

It's certainly true that you can't appreciate how hard parenting is until you are one. But some of what you've written comes across as things that should have been learnt by now? And so surely her lack of appreciation for things you do / expecting you to pay is because it wasn't expected of her before?

Mine were choosing presents for people since they were tiny and expected to buy/make them independently by the time they were early teens.

They also paid 'rent' from when they were 16 and had jobs (not a lot but enough to know it wasn't all pocket money). They also didn't/dont ask for money - or lifts. We do offer quite a lot but they are fully aware of how to get to places without expecting us to be available.

Don't get me wrong, there have definitely been some critical remarks about instances in their childhood - I think that's inevitable. And there have been some rocky patches where I haven't heard from them for ages and I feel a bit left out but I try and remind myself that they're living their own lives now and I certainly don't think to ring my mum every day. But the 'entitlement' not so much.

My OH has a son like this……OH used to bail him out of debt, buy the GC shoes and clothes when the DS had pissed his cash away on a drunken binge, buy food hampers for Christmas etc. When OH retired I told him it needed to stop, he didn’t have enough income to continue. Guess what???? DS no longer speaks to him……I wonder why!

I’m now starting to wonder if my mum has a secret second family 😂 Always slagging me off for “not paying my way”, but she’ll argue and argue and argue that she wants to pay, and will even sneak off “to the toilet” and pay on the way back.

isn’t some of it to do with how families make different choices for want of a better term.

For example plenty of dc do get help to get on the property ladder & some get crazy help. This puts the ones without any help at a real disadvantage & you can see how this breeds resentment in some & raises expectations.

MNs is weird as they will simultaneously criticise an adult child for expecting help with a deposit & criticise parents who don’t save for their dcs future.

They do but the particular issues facing today’s young are very different to what they experienced growing up which is part of the issue.

I think they feel hard done by. And I can understand why. Many were promised the earth. They were told they worked harder, were more intelligent than the generation before. Year after year. It was almost cruel.
To realise when you leave university that you are working alongside people who also have degrees but also many years of work experience under their belt must hurt.

I think it’s the fact wages have stagnated for so many years & many job terms & conditions/pensions are less favourable.

Oh & the fact you will have paid so much more for your degree.

Yes, for sure. The UK has had no real industry or real growth for years, not just this generation.

I had three boys, never experienced this. As a grandparent with three boys and two girls. I have to admit that the girls can be pretty sassy with their mother. I pick them up on it if they say something in my presence. Their daddy on the other hand can do no wrong.

So I think it's a female thing.

I think part of it can come from making things too easy for your kids. I have a relative, and anything her kids wanted to do (think classes, musical instruments, new hobbies) she arranged and made easy for them. Perfectly nice kids, but who learned their mum would sort things for them so it took no effort from them. I worked on the theory that whatever the current fad was from my kids I needed to see some commitment or more than a passing interest before investing my time and effort in it.
Her kids have been brought up to believe that what they want takes precedence, because the kids being happy makes the parents happy. They have literally been taught that by their parents.
I have no doubt that they love their parents, and are decent enough people, but I do feel the parents are now paying the price for being too quick to make life easier for them in earlier years!

Were you quite enmeshed with her during the Single Mum years, and that changed suddenly with the advent of Family 2.0?

It feels like this is not a generational issue, and is more to do with the particular relationship you have with your daughter. It's probably rooted in the time period I asked about above. Some of the details you mention, like that you never had to punish her because she was such a well-behaved child, and that you feel she resents you for not spending more time with her, make me wonder what her childhood looked like from her perspective.

Either way, I'd stop asking her to do "activities" that require payment, if you're not happy to foot the bill for them. It's clear she doesn't want to shell out for this stuff, for whatever reason. Low-cost meet ups are the way to go. It's time for you both to rediscover the joys of a walk in the park 😂