To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

I don't think that things were necessarily easier for previous generations. Each generation has its challenges. But I do think life is much harder for people in their 20s now than it was for me in my 20s thirty years ago.

I'll add that there were times that my husband and I helped out an adult child and partner. (DH was worried that they couldn't pay their bills.) It was only belatedly that we realised that they were much better paid than we ever were and that their financial problems were down to lifestyle choices.

They work from home but chose to live in an extremely expensive part of the country. They bought a lovely house with large garden and an an additional building which they turned into an office.

It turns out that they don't believe in buying things outright - so they took out an interest only mortgage and - at the end of the term took out yet another interest only mortgage. Their expectation is that they'll sell their house at a profit and be able to move when they retire. I guess that the plan might work.

Their very expensive car is leased. Again, that might work out for them...but they've been baled out by their parents so many times. (When they heard that we were buying our new car, they were horrified and tried to persuade my husband just to lease.)

My late husband's ex's partner once told my husband that the ex kept giving the kids money - she'd inherited a lot from a previous partner - and that my husband shouldn't make the mistake of doing the same.

I'm wondering what they'll do when they've burned through all of their inheritances. The partner's parents left a house which they've leased out so that might ease things - but they've already had issues and repairs because of tenants. Maybe they'll just give up the house they're paying interest on and move into the inherited house.

They've already had their monetary inheritance from my husband. I suspect that they expected more - they waited a month before cashing their cheque: presumably they were getting legal advice. I only knew that it had been cashed when the bank phoned me to check that I wasn't being scammed. (This delayed the money being paid when the cheque was eventually presented.)

The following year I sent a cheque as a wedding present from my deceased husband. They cashed that cheque the day they got it.

Now, they'll have to rely on what they get when their mother goes - assuming she doesn't land in a care home.

I think that - as others have suggested previously - some people are just too used to being looked after by their parents. (These aren't youngsters: they'll be generation X.)

The significant difference that I see now is that many youngsters are having to work more than one job.

I'm Gen X. I think life is much harder for Gen Z.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack
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@Lamentingalways
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There’s plenty I understand and agree with in all your posts… as I say, it’s complex.
I wonder if all generations feel slightly let down by previous ones occasionally, only now they’re more vocal about it?
Yes, there’s definitely more sadness in young people, sometimes justifiable; other times it seems more like self pity… and when gen z are constantly being told they’re having it tough, why wouldn’t they believe it?
Certainly some things are harder now, but there’s so much help, sympathy and awareness too, whereas previous generations were expected to just get on with it, and that was tough!

OP is very unlikely to be a boomer

@Bluffinwithmymuffin What concerns me are the longterm prospects for the under-25’s who seem really unable to cope. I mean the stories of ppl staying their rooms, refusing to go to school/college/work. We Gen X’ers aren’t going to be around forever to prop them up so what will happen to them?

I do know a couple of ppl IRL who are in this situation while their 50-something parents work incredibly hard to keep everything going- their parents may end up having breakdowns themselves due to the stress.

Perhaps this also happened in previous generations, but without SM, we were far less aware of it. We’d only know if someone we knew personally was really struggling.

I also know ppl IRL in this situation; late teens/early twenties completely withdrawing from the world, supported by parents (and benefits in some cases) because they can. It’s beyond sad, and absolutely shocking. Whatever the reasons - there are several, and lockdown certainly didn’t help - this would never have occurred on such a scale in previous generations. Shame, embarrassment, the need to get up and do something, less accessible benefits, zest for life, hope for the future; there were many reasons for young people to try and forge a life back in the day. These things all seem less relevant to some youngsters now.

Yes, agreed. My DD recently had to deal with something fairly minimal, just an everyday occurence for millions of people (think along the lines of broken fridge for example) - and she completely fell apart. Completely. Emailed said organisation and said how her anxiety was through the roof because of this, and how stressed she was - they ended up giving her £200 compensation. I mean, what hope have they got if everyone carries on enabling them

But that’s not the average person that created that is it? It’s politicians and people in power. For example, my Mum wasn’t responsible for student tuition fees going up, she was just getting on with her life the best she knew how. I completely understand that it’s harder for young people today - I’ve been a Mum to a child under 10 for half my life so I’m fully aware of any challenges but to feel shafted by your average parents isn’t right, is it?

I remember, decades ago, watching an episode of the Oprah Winfrey show. She was having frank conversations with children about what annoyed them about their parents, and a biggie was, "don't spoil me and then complain I am spoiled."

This isn't specific to OP, but it does rather fascinate me that we complain about our children as though this is some genetic abnormality.

Looking at some of the posts on here, it seems we blame the young people themselves for the 'everyone gets a trophy/gentle parenting mentality', whilst absolving ourselves of any responsibility because 'we didn't grow up like that'.

Clearly, a significant and influential proportion of us boomers/genXers thought our childhoods weren't so brilliant, that actually competitive schooling maybe wasn't the best approach.

Our generation(s) did what other generations before us did. We tried to make things better for our kids. Then we call them 'entitled' when our methods don't quite work the way we thought they would. I'm not just talking about individual parents, here, before people leap in with 'I didn't do blah-de-blah'.

The 25's and unders are not responsible for the education system they were put through. They did not invent the technology we berate them for using. In short, they did not make the world they were children in, the world that influences them beyond whatever their parents do or say.

The problem isn't boomers and my generation (X) having it 'easier'. The problem is that boomers and gen X, like every generation, wanted it to be 'better' for their kids, but had an unprecedented level of ability to make those changes, because it was also making things 'better' for us. Plastics, the throwaway society, UPFs, all things WE developed to make OUR lives easier.

The fact that we have the temerity to look at the products of the society we collectively are responsible for creating and criticise THEM for it is more than a little...harsh.

Sorry about that, I know we are better informed but we just learnt to deal with things didn’t we? Now we’re being told that our children couldn’t go into the interview / test etc because their anxiety was through the roof. You want tell them to just get on with it but you daren’t in case they’re actually really struggling and make a TIkTok about how you ruined their mental health!

I wasn't saying that people have been shafted by their parents as such, but by previous generations in general. And yes, it is usually politicians who make decisions but ordinary people vote in those politicians, so to some extent, we are all collectively responsible for the society that we have created.

Myself and my friends regularly did that in our 20s and that was in the 1990s. That's nothing new. Even before that I worked full time and did A levels at evening classes

Good point.

Actually, I've just remembered - my late husband went to uni as a mature student in the late 60s and early 70s and he was studying whilst working.

Our 22 year old is the same, generous to a fault.

Oh FFS! you are making the OPs point

Yes, same here. Was the same in the 80s too, and long before, from what I’ve heard from older friends and relatives.

All three of mine had weekend and holiday jobs from the age of 16. They worked part time through university.

We're lucky here being in a tourist area as well as a farming area. Young people can get work.

I don't know what they spent the money on besides holiday, entertainment and clothes but they learnt to budget.

We are I agree. There not much to choose from though is there? 😂 the ballot box should say ‘Which liars are you voting for today?’

Honestly, I know you get more resilient as you age but the lack of resilience is worrying.

I’ve already responded to your post a couple of times but I’m very reflective and really do like to sort things rather than just moan about them so I’ve thought about one of the points you made about them reflecting our behaviour. I have decided that I probably minimised my own needs and was just ‘Mum’ rather than my own individual person. I didn’t / don’t have a social life for example as I just work and then take care of my family and home. Perhaps I should have ensured I went out sometimes but I didn’t / don’t really want to tbh. I have hopefully shown my children how they should treat me by being kind and generous to my Mum though, they’ve seen me take gifts, pay my way, help her when needed etc. I’m not sure why that hasn’t rubbed off but hopefully it will one day.

I’m glad to say that my children (20 and 17) seem to be fairly resilient and kind people so far. DD (20) is diagnosed with anxiety, takes medication and has regular counselling. Her attitude is that this support helps her to live her life to the full and if someone met her, they’d have no idea the she was managing this condition, she’s outgoing and confident!
That’s a type of resilience, thank goodness,

@Lamentingalways Yes, I’m also trying show my two that it’s important to be kind to their grandparents. They seem to understand this.

Regarding the post you were replying to here, I do agree, but I do think "outside influences" come into play here, when DC go to Uni/meet partners/people they work with for example. My other DC are resilient and make time for others. They also deal with everyday life problems without the complete meltdowns. And they were bought up exactly the same way as my eldest

I don’t really recognise these attitudes in my kids. They always say thank you for meals I make, and make their own if they don’t like them! We were at a friend’s recently and their 19 year old was moaning about the tea options on offer - when we left, my 19 year old said he was shocked. ‘’ If you’re over 18 you should just be really grateful someone is willing to make you meals, as you’re not entitled to it’’ were his words!

I think it probably makes a difference that I’ve always worked quite a stressful job, so they’ve been aware I’m not just there to serve them. They’ve also worked since 16, bought their own cars and taken responsibility for budgeting at uni, so that probably helps the transition to adulthood.