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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

118 replies

ThisSpoonyShark · 14/12/2025 23:18

Just for a bit of background I have on and off had mental health issues, but I have had counselling for around 5 years on and off and I do absolutely everything in my power to stay on top of it all, walking, yoga, breathing exercises, talking therapy, CBT everything I can. I’ve been in control of it for quite a while, I live a lovey happy life with my husband and our two children and I am grateful for everything I have.

Around 2 months ago my mental health started to get bad again but the usual things were not helping and I started having more bad days then good days. I really struggled with this, one bad day I started getting the awful thoughts of everyone is better without me and nearly took an overdose, I stopped myself at the point of having lined them up. I called my counsellor who put me in touch with the local crisis team, I called my husband and was completely honest with him about how I had been feeling, and over the next week or two I also told my parents for extra support, my best friend of 30 years and my GP who put me on antidepressants.

I have worked soooo hard at making sure to get on top of this, and to do all I can in my power to stay “ok” I have kept routine of being a “good” mum and “good” wife and I feel I’ve worked really really hard to try and get myself out of this depression. I still have bad days but mostly now this has turned around.

Well today my husband went out with a friend and told him all about my suicide attempt and how I was antidepressants etc. I have only told people I trust so my husband, my parents and my absolute best friend. I haven’t told any other friends. It’s so so so personal to me. It’s my journey and it’s my life. I feel absolutely saddened by him telling this friend in particular as this friend and his wife gossip (I know so much about their other friends as they always gossip) and they also have a ln old fashioned stigma around mental health of all the people I would have wanted to tell they are absolutely not it. My husband said he needed someone to talk to about it as it’s been a lot and I understand that but I feel professional support, or my parents or his parents would be better than this friend who I absolutely did not want to know such a personal thing about me. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset about this, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lyra87 · 14/12/2025 23:26

Firstly, I'm so sorry about what you're going through and the fact you got help in time is something to be proud of.
However, and I genuinely mean this kindly, this isn't just 'your' crisis. It impacts your DH. To help you, he needs his own support. I understand why you'd rather these friends didn't know but they are the people He's chosen to help him through this. He needs support too.

ChristmasHug · 14/12/2025 23:31

YANBU to be upset, you're in a diffucult and emotional place and would rather keep this to people you trust. But I agree with PP that in order to support you dh will need support.

Can you imagine how you'd feel if he'd come close to taking his own life? Would you need to talk to someone about it.

It sounds like you work very hard at staying well, I wish you strength and success.

outerspacepotato · 14/12/2025 23:34

He's out of line sharing your private medical info with anyone without you okaying it.

If he needs support, he can go to counseling. I see this as a betrayal of trust and it would be a big deal.

bebopalula111 · 14/12/2025 23:34

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling but as others say your husband needs a support network too.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 14/12/2025 23:38

I think you are being a little unreasonable but I do completely understand why you feel the way you do. Mental health struggles are so very personal and it probably feels as though your privacy has been invaded.
The thing is that supporting someone with severe mental health problems is deeply debilitating. Depression makes people selfish - not as a character flaw, more as a survival necessity.
But your husband spent a long time living on a knife edge. In his head he has probably rehearsed how he might tell your children that mummy is dead. When he puts his key in the lock, he’s frightened to open the door. It is a terrifying and traumatic thing to love someone who is so unwell that they might kill themself. And the hard work that you have done doesn’t stop his fears. And it can feel disloyal to talk to anyone else, especially when in the midst of it all but please don’t judge him for needing to talk. And please try and understand that it’s not likely that he planned to do it. He was talking to his friend and felt safe to share some of his own fears and upset. You have both been through a lot and it isn’t over so he needs understanding too. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh because it really isn’t meant to. I’m sure your husband is proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself. Mental health is a marathon and everyone involved will need to talk.

ThisLittlePony · 14/12/2025 23:38

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Burnnoticed · 14/12/2025 23:39

He's maybe picked the wrong people but he absolutely deserves support too

ScaryM0nster · 14/12/2025 23:43

It’s ok to be upset. It’s tough enough to acknowledge your own mental health issues. It’s another step further to acknowledge that those same issues do have an impact on others and they will potentially need support too. And that’s ok too.

You also don’t get to choose who someone else uses as their support. They get to choose who they think is best for them.

However, I find often with people who you think are gossips - only actually repeat stuff that comes to them through gossip channels. Anything that’s come through a confidence route tends to stay just that.

To quote a farming tagline at the moment ‘it’s ok not to be ok’. You get to be upset. That doesn’t make what he did wrong.

Redwinedaze · 14/12/2025 23:44

I’m in your husbands position and I have confided in two friends because I need support to and was at risk of burning out.

Kingsleadhat · 14/12/2025 23:44

He can't support you.unless he has somewhere to go with the huge amount of stress he has been under, because living with someone with mental illness is really, really hard. I'm sorry for what you are going through but I also feel for him as well.

Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 23:47

Kingsleadhat · 14/12/2025 23:44

He can't support you.unless he has somewhere to go with the huge amount of stress he has been under, because living with someone with mental illness is really, really hard. I'm sorry for what you are going through but I also feel for him as well.

This, absolutely this. My sister is mentally unwell and has tried to commit suicide seven times. If I couldn't talk to my friends about it then frankly I would go mad. People need others outside of the family to lean on. They really do.

Ohpleeeease · 14/12/2025 23:49

Supporting someone through a mental health crisis and beyond is incredibly draining, your DH does need to be able to talk to someone about how it has impacted him.

Is there counselling available to him as a carer through your mental health support?

Hard though it is, I think you will have to accept that people outside the family will know what you’ve been through. I also think for your own sense of wellbeing you need to own it. You suffer from an illness that affects your MH. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s not a failing or a deficiency. It’s a state of health, like any other condition.

Arlanymor · 15/12/2025 00:02

Ohpleeeease · 14/12/2025 23:49

Supporting someone through a mental health crisis and beyond is incredibly draining, your DH does need to be able to talk to someone about how it has impacted him.

Is there counselling available to him as a carer through your mental health support?

Hard though it is, I think you will have to accept that people outside the family will know what you’ve been through. I also think for your own sense of wellbeing you need to own it. You suffer from an illness that affects your MH. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s not a failing or a deficiency. It’s a state of health, like any other condition.

You make amazing and solid points.

outerspacepotato · 15/12/2025 00:19

One of the problems with husband sharing her info with his friends is there is zero control over who else gets told. This is private stuff and who knows who will hear this and how they could use it.

Another is that she now knows her husband will share her info, so might be less inclined to tell him what's going on. There's a big trust issue here.

I think the priority here is OP and her mental health, not her husband needing support. If he wants that, he can call a counselor. He can say he's not up to listening today. But sharing and putting her info out there, it's really a bad idea.

showyourquality · 15/12/2025 00:27

Supporting someone with serious mental health issues is absolutely exhausting. Your DH needs to be able to talk to people about his situation but ideally it would be with friends that are just his and not shared.
I See why you are upset and wouldn’t want shared friends to know your story but he does have to be able to seek support for him from his friends.

PollyBell · 15/12/2025 00:29

It is not all about you, can you imagine living with someone in your situation and not being to talk to anyone about it?

YouOKHun · 15/12/2025 01:17

I feel rather differently to many others on this thread. @ThisSpoonyShark‘s health is her private business which she has chosen to share with a very limited number of people. It’s very unfair of her DH to discuss it with someone else without consent. No doubt OP wants some privacy to manage her mental health and it’s a real breach of trust on the DH’s part.

I realise he is in a very tough position and deserves support but there is support out there for people in his situation. I understand that he wants to offload to friends but a person’s right to medical privacy has to come first. The sharing of private health information, especially, sadly, mental health, can have consequences for people, for their employment, their social life and friendships. The fact that MH difficulties are nothing to be ashamed of doesn’t negate the right to privacy.

Pilateslover · 15/12/2025 01:31

It’s a tricky one.

I wonder if Op would have been okay with him talking to another more discreet, less gossipy friend - or is the issue just that he has confided with a friend period?

If it’s the latter I do feel that’s inconsiderate towards his needs and Op has perhaps underestimated the toll her mental health struggles has taken on not just her but her husband.

JustMe2026 · 15/12/2025 01:42

Sorry but your other half is allowed to be able to talk to whoever he feels is right doesn't particularly matter who. Would you rather he didn't care because I hear a worried man who loves his wife and wants what's best for you all.

Sugarfish · 15/12/2025 01:52

I’m sorry and I know it doesn’t feel nice to think of people talking about you behind your back.

However. I had a partner who sounds similar to you. And it is hard. I’m not saying it’s harder than being you. But the people supporting family or loved ones with poor mental health need support to, we really do. And sometimes we need our friends to understand what’s going on with us. I mean no disrespect by this, but your partner probably did not expect to end up with someone who struggles like you do, no one does. Sounds like he’s trying to be there for you, but he needs someone to be there for him too.

Beedeeoh · 15/12/2025 01:59

I don't think speaking to a counsellor is a substitute for speaking to a friend, it's a completely different thing. Speaking to a friend makes us feel less alone and like people know us and are there for us. I've had counselling in the past which was really useful, but it didn't do that. It's probably quite lonely for your husband when you are unwell.

So whilst I understand why it is hard, I think you have to accept your husband needs the support of friends to be able to support you in the long term. It doesn't negate your hard work, you should be proud of how hard you have worked.

HoratioBum · 15/12/2025 02:17

Living with someone who has suicidal ideation is incredibly difficult. My first husband used to threaten suicide and his mental health was very poor. He was on antidepressants and he had people that he used to confide in as well as me but as a previous poster has said I used to have the dread every single time that I put my key in the lock that I would come home and find him dangling from a light fitting. I don’t mean that to sound uncaring, but the effect it had on my mental health was deep and lasting, and if I had not been able to confide in my friends, I’m not sure what I would’ve done because at one point I was considering taking my own life because I felt that if I was no longer there, my husband would just have to deal with things. It just goes to show how messed up your own mental health can be as a result of dealing with someone who has suicidal ideation.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/12/2025 02:27

Sorry for your struggles and I understand the feeling that things are private, but this is also his journey and it's incredibly hard on him as well. He needs to be able to seek support from friends as well.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 06:40

What did your husband say when you reminded him about this couple's propensity to gossip? Did he swear them to secrecy?

Does he normally confide in this couple about other things? If he often uses them for advice and support without them gossiping about this information, I can see why he did it this time as he would have evidence that they could be trusted with confidential information. If he has no such evidence that they would keep the information about your suicidal thoughts to themselves, I think he was reckless to confide in them, particularly as the information was about you and not him.

firstofallimadelight · 15/12/2025 06:59

This isn’t just about you, it affects your dh too so yes he should be able to tak to someone about it

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