Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

[ThisSpoonyShark]

Just for a bit of background I have on and off had mental health issues, but I have had counselling for around 5 years on and off and I do absolutely everything in my power to stay on top of it all, walking, yoga, breathing exercises, talking therapy, CBT everything I can. I’ve been in control of it for quite a while, I live a lovey happy life with my husband and our two children and I am grateful for everything I have.

Around 2 months ago my mental health started to get bad again but the usual things were not helping and I started having more bad days then good days. I really struggled with this, one bad day I started getting the awful thoughts of everyone is better without me and nearly took an overdose, I stopped myself at the point of having lined them up. I called my counsellor who put me in touch with the local crisis team, I called my husband and was completely honest with him about how I had been feeling, and over the next week or two I also told my parents for extra support, my best friend of 30 years and my GP who put me on antidepressants.

I have worked soooo hard at making sure to get on top of this, and to do all I can in my power to stay “ok” I have kept routine of being a “good” mum and “good” wife and I feel I’ve worked really really hard to try and get myself out of this depression. I still have bad days but mostly now this has turned around.

Well today my husband went out with a friend and told him all about my suicide attempt and how I was antidepressants etc. I have only told people I trust so my husband, my parents and my absolute best friend. I haven’t told any other friends. It’s so so so personal to me. It’s my journey and it’s my life. I feel absolutely saddened by him telling this friend in particular as this friend and his wife gossip (I know so much about their other friends as they always gossip) and they also have a ln old fashioned stigma around mental health of all the people I would have wanted to tell they are absolutely not it. My husband said he needed someone to talk to about it as it’s been a lot and I understand that but I feel professional support, or my parents or his parents would be better than this friend who I absolutely did not want to know such a personal thing about me. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset about this, am I being unreasonable?

OP if I were I would also feel very let down and that there had been a breach of trust with your DH. I’m sure noone thinks he is not entitled to seek support - of course not but why couldn’t he have shown respect for OP’s very very private mental health issues by explaining to her he needed friends to offload to and discussing who he wanted to talk to. Then OP could have raised her concerns and they could have discussed who would be best (not a gossipy couple). It may now make OP reluctant to share openly with her own DH.

Can DH get in touch with couple and make abundantly clear the information is private and he expects confidentiality? Or would they not care? Of course most decent people wouldn’t dream of sharing this with a third party.

OP you sound resilient and amazing and respect to-you for all you have done tohelp yourself.

It is different and you know it!

How you can ever think the two are similar I will never know.

This poor bloke is working, whilst the OP is walking, yoga, breathing exercises, talking therapy, CBT , she doesn't mention anything about working.

He has had this for 5 years!

Like everyone has said, living with someone who has these issues is draining and he needed support, I bet he had no intention of telling anyone but it just came out.

Oh and I think this is similar to my mum swearing me and my dad to secrecy about her cancer diagnosis. It was grim, we didn't know whether she was going to live another year and having to actively pretend things are OK and that something huge isn't happening, was extremely difficult. Yes, it was her cancer and she was the one facing treatment and possibly an early death, but we were suffering too. If your MH issues led you to almost commit suicide, you really have to admit what an enormous impact that has on the one supporting you.

Yes. How would you like it if your DH told you you could only access support via friends of his choosing?

Really? You think it's acceptable for couples to "veto" who the other speaks to and goes to for support? 😬

Not in usual circumstances but if you are going to share something you know is private to the other person eg when my DH was very seriously ill I asked him if he would mind me talking to particular friends about it and he agreed. But he knows he can trust me not to talk if he is not comfortable with something. To be fair I would be the same with a friend and not discuss their business with someone else unless they were being open with a group. Wouldn’t you mind someone talking about your private medical stuff?

If my medical stuff was impacting my husband I would want him to seek support wherever he could for his own benefit.

Wow!

Do you ever get dizzy from watching the world revolve around you?

I think mental illness by very definition makes people very self focused, and sometimes that means they can’t understand how it can impact the people they live with, or understand their needs, your husband is going through a lot and he needed support, maybe he made a mistake in where he went looking for it, maybe it just came out of him as he’s so stressed, but I don’t think it does any good to now criticise him, sometimes it’s best it’s not someone so close who you share with.

i also understand why you don’t want people to know. So the upshot is you both are going through a lot, he also needs support, and being kind to each other is the way forward.

Go you!

This - your mental health needs and support does not trump his mental health needs and support

I hope the OP reads this thread and takes note of the messages meant kindly. Her DH did not mean to hurt her, he has supported her.

It’s not unusual for a person experiencing or recovering from a mental health crisis or episode to turn on those closest to them. The OP may be dumping some of her feelings of anger and resentment on her husband for want of a better place. I hope she has access to counseling herself so she can work through this, because it’s an extra burden for her DH.

A final point, the OP took to an anonymous forum of strangers to vent her feelings about her DH. There are some who would find that a betrayal.

I don't think @ThisSpoonyShark is coming back

If issues such as sexual performance included a suicide attempt I'd absolutely be sharing that with a friend - and I'd be involving all and sundry to support me too. (Aside from OPs ongoing mental health challenges threats of suicide should always be taken seriously and called out as it is a common means of control in abusive relationships).

Living with someone who is struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts/behaviour is HARD. Denying your spouse from seeking support himself is absolutely controlling - ok so he picked the wrong guy, but he needs an outside source of support - your or his parents are too close. A counsellor isn't familiar enough.

Your husband needs support as much as you op. Your current support plan isn't working. What else can you do to keep you MH under control to stop things spiralling again?

living with your mental health is his life too, and it’s hard. You need to understand he might need to talk to people too.

Clearly never had a relative with severe metal health issues?

Your mental health struggles are absolute going to affect him.

Who does he have to lean on? There needs to be an outlet for him too. Or is he just supposed to keep is hush hush?

It’s a lot to cope with if he has a suicidal partner, I don’t think op can dictate who he confides in