Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

[ThisSpoonyShark]

Just for a bit of background I have on and off had mental health issues, but I have had counselling for around 5 years on and off and I do absolutely everything in my power to stay on top of it all, walking, yoga, breathing exercises, talking therapy, CBT everything I can. I’ve been in control of it for quite a while, I live a lovey happy life with my husband and our two children and I am grateful for everything I have.

Around 2 months ago my mental health started to get bad again but the usual things were not helping and I started having more bad days then good days. I really struggled with this, one bad day I started getting the awful thoughts of everyone is better without me and nearly took an overdose, I stopped myself at the point of having lined them up. I called my counsellor who put me in touch with the local crisis team, I called my husband and was completely honest with him about how I had been feeling, and over the next week or two I also told my parents for extra support, my best friend of 30 years and my GP who put me on antidepressants.

I have worked soooo hard at making sure to get on top of this, and to do all I can in my power to stay “ok” I have kept routine of being a “good” mum and “good” wife and I feel I’ve worked really really hard to try and get myself out of this depression. I still have bad days but mostly now this has turned around.

Well today my husband went out with a friend and told him all about my suicide attempt and how I was antidepressants etc. I have only told people I trust so my husband, my parents and my absolute best friend. I haven’t told any other friends. It’s so so so personal to me. It’s my journey and it’s my life. I feel absolutely saddened by him telling this friend in particular as this friend and his wife gossip (I know so much about their other friends as they always gossip) and they also have a ln old fashioned stigma around mental health of all the people I would have wanted to tell they are absolutely not it. My husband said he needed someone to talk to about it as it’s been a lot and I understand that but I feel professional support, or my parents or his parents would be better than this friend who I absolutely did not want to know such a personal thing about me. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset about this, am I being unreasonable?

It's someone DH felt able to open up to. OP wanted it kept in the family or a professional. From. Dh's pov it would have been much easier to talk to someone who wasn't involved.

I don’t think people are missing this. What they’re saying is that she can’t dictate who he turns to for the support he needs. She can’t control who her parents or his parents talk to either.

Yes, some people will gossip and judge. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the welfare of her DH who has supported her through very difficult times and faces the possibility of having to do so again.

Maybe he didn't intend to tell this friend, but he did, it just came out as he's at his wits end.

It's something that happened to him though as well. Experiencing someone having a crisis, suicidal ideation, SH etc is very distressing.

Especially If you love them so very dearly and don't really know how to help them. So it's only fair that he can talk about this with someone if he feels comfortable doing so.

You can't really police him speaking about his own life and what's happening in it, even if it does involve you and your struggles.

I hope things improve for you x

Anyone closely dealing with someone who has MH problems needs support.

I understand why you feel the way you feel, but honestly your DH needs support too. It’s one of the hardest things a spouse can do to support a partner going through a crisis. If this is what it takes to stop him spiralling then this is what it takes.
Mental illness is entirely focussed on oneself. A selfish disease. It just is. You cannot see truly the impact it is having on those around you. I speak as someone who has suffered a lot. I am sorry you are suffering.

But did he need to say about the suicide attempt? That's very sensitive information. He could've said he was having a tough time, without blabbing the finer details. I agree with OP, if my DH told people I would be very upset.

That's very selfish if he can and wants to talk to a close friend or family member then he has every right too. Holding him hostage and forbidding him to talk unless it's to a pre-approved by you contact is very controlling and I sincerely hope you never do this to anyone.

I think it's the choice of person that's the problem, they're likely to gossip and tell people.

But OP's husband should be free to talk to whoever he wants about what's on his mind - it's not OP's place to say he can't.

YABU, Sorry. My ex had on and off depression and the occasional crisis and it honestly was so incredibly draining. It contributed to our divorce. It was not the only thing of course but do not underestimate the impact this has on him.

I had kept it all quiet re exDH and one of my regrets is not reaching out to a friend.

Surely you realise he needs help and support as well?

How can he support you if doesnt feel supported?

You cant pick and choose who can and cant talk to about it, that would be very controlling and selfish.

Really? Even if it's something very personal to his wife? It feels disloyal to me but I guess we're all different.

I’m in your husband’s camp. Your mental health will affect his and he is entitled and sensible to talk to his friends about it.

Supporting someone through severe mental illness is indescribable, the usual rules do not apply.

No one's disputing he needs to talk so he can have support, but he's confided in a pair of blabbermouths who gossip. This is what OP is really upset about.

I know, but what I’m saying is that in the scheme of things it’s really not important that a couple of people are gossiping about the OP, if indeed they are.

Anyone who has been in the position of the DH knows what that feels like. He will be suffering the consequences long after she has recovered. He’s very likely to suffer from PTSD. Years down the line, I still jump out my skin when my phone rings. I can’t tolerate any kind of alarm or siren.

What the OP could do is explain how she feels and ask him to talk to the couple again, this time to say he would be grateful if they treated what he told them in the utmost confidence. But if they’re the people he needs to talk to, then she has to accept that.

A few posters keep saying it’s just the choice of gossipy friends Op has an issue with but - as above - we actually don’t know that. The initial posts could be read either way.

Is @ThisSpoonyShark coming back to clarify or if they are done with this thread (fair enough if so)

I know, but what I’m saying is that in the scheme of things it’s really not important that a couple of people are gossiping about the OP, if indeed they are.

Of course it's important! It can be devastating thinking people know your most personal information and are talking about you, and would likely be detrimental to the OP's mental health.

Sorry OP but this absolutely isn’t personal to you. It affects everyone who is close to you.

Harsh as it sounds, people with mental health issues are usually so absorbed in their own problems, that they completely fail to understand how it impacts the people around them. I’ve had to deal with people with various mental health issues before, and it’s utterly draining. He should be free to discuss his thoughts and feeling with whoever he chooses.

This is not helpful. Someone seriously considering ending their life is in unimaginable pain. These are not idiotic thoughts, sometimes they are compulsive ones. Without wishing to frighten anyone taking antidepressants, withdrawal from them can cause changes in the brain that produce these compulsions.

Let’s not be blaming anyone whose suffering is at that level.

I have reported this post. Whilst many people think this way, it’s totally detrimental for the OP who clearly has a severe mental illness currently. If people who are suicidal were really able to put the thoughts of their loved ones before their own feelings don’t you think they would?

It’s my journey and it’s my life.

It's also his. You have been through some difficult times and he has been beside you, having his own experience of being partnered to and supporting someone with ongoing mental health issues. He's got his own perspective on this, and just as he hasn't prescribed who you can and can't turn to for support, it's not reasonable of you to say who he can confide his own worries and challenges to.

You feel his friends wife is a gossip. He must feel that his friend was the best person to confide in for his own reasons. It's not ideal, but what in this scenario is? I'm sure he would make lots of changes if he could, but his agency is fairly limited as it is.

If OP shared her husbands ED with gossipy friends because she was distressed, would the posts be so supportive of her?
I doubt it.
She would be rightly handed her arse for relaying his most private of medical information to friends.
She has every right to feel let down by him.