Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

[ThisSpoonyShark]

Just for a bit of background I have on and off had mental health issues, but I have had counselling for around 5 years on and off and I do absolutely everything in my power to stay on top of it all, walking, yoga, breathing exercises, talking therapy, CBT everything I can. I’ve been in control of it for quite a while, I live a lovey happy life with my husband and our two children and I am grateful for everything I have.

Around 2 months ago my mental health started to get bad again but the usual things were not helping and I started having more bad days then good days. I really struggled with this, one bad day I started getting the awful thoughts of everyone is better without me and nearly took an overdose, I stopped myself at the point of having lined them up. I called my counsellor who put me in touch with the local crisis team, I called my husband and was completely honest with him about how I had been feeling, and over the next week or two I also told my parents for extra support, my best friend of 30 years and my GP who put me on antidepressants.

I have worked soooo hard at making sure to get on top of this, and to do all I can in my power to stay “ok” I have kept routine of being a “good” mum and “good” wife and I feel I’ve worked really really hard to try and get myself out of this depression. I still have bad days but mostly now this has turned around.

Well today my husband went out with a friend and told him all about my suicide attempt and how I was antidepressants etc. I have only told people I trust so my husband, my parents and my absolute best friend. I haven’t told any other friends. It’s so so so personal to me. It’s my journey and it’s my life. I feel absolutely saddened by him telling this friend in particular as this friend and his wife gossip (I know so much about their other friends as they always gossip) and they also have a ln old fashioned stigma around mental health of all the people I would have wanted to tell they are absolutely not it. My husband said he needed someone to talk to about it as it’s been a lot and I understand that but I feel professional support, or my parents or his parents would be better than this friend who I absolutely did not want to know such a personal thing about me. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset about this, am I being unreasonable?

You are not in a position to guarantee anything in OP's future. You are way overstating your own powers.

You're right. The friend may instinctively know that this subject is not for passing on. He might not think of it as "juicy" as a pp has called it.

I understand how OP feels about this and I hope her fears are ultimately unfounded.

I would also add that there are very few families who don't have personal experience of mental health problems and my experience of discussing my mum's psychotic episodes have never been met with anything other than empathy.

It’s not up to the OP to decide who her husband is allowed to confide in.

Can you imagine if it was the other way round? A man telling his wife she wasn’t allowed to confide in her friends? 😬

If you’d succeeded it wouldn’t have been kept a secret… everyone would know that his wife had killed herself and as they wouldn’t know about the background of MH issues everyone would be looking at your husband as though he did something to cause it. He would’ve had to deal with that publically in the wake of your death without you there and with children to support through it.

So I wouldn’t come down too harshly on him for seeking the support of a friend in the wake of your crisis.

Or that she could only speak to his parents….

At no point in your post @ThisSpoonyShark do you take into account how hard it must be for your husband. Not once.

Do you not understand how bloody hard it is for him?

Do you work?

I presume he does.

Without wanting to attack the OP, poor mental health makes you selfish and often incapable of realising the impact you have on other people.

He is part of your support network. He also needs one.
Speaking to your trusted people helps you, he deserves the same.

Dhs mental health battle nearly broke me. It absolutely saved me telling a friend.

The secrecy makes it so so hard.

I agree with this. I know that my DH has struggled at times when my MH has been poor: I think he doesn’t share his difficulties enough with his friends.

Having said this, I can also understand why the OP is upset, because there is such a stigma around MH issues.

So you dont think your partner deserve any support at all??!!

I think that is so selfish. Sorry.

Maybe he did choose the wrong person to talk to, but I'm not surprised he needed someone "outside" to talk to.

But what support is out there for someone in his position? It’s hard enough finding any support for the person going through the mental health crisis, let alone for someone who lives with them.
Unless they can afford to pay for a counsellor you’re looking at a long waiting list just to access basic mental health support services. And a counsellor isn’t the same as a friend at the end of the phone or who you can pop round to see.

Maybe ,in his opinion , the friend was the right person to talk to. Or maybe he just blurted it out because he was at the end of his tether. Either way, it doesn’t sound like he did it maliciously.

I cannot comprehend the strain that MH issues puts families through, especially if the sufferer has contemplated taking their own life. Their loved ones must live in fear constantly , even during the “well” periods.

So I would look at this from the angle of he did it for his own mental health OP. You sound like you have a lot of loving support around you. Don’t let an error of judgement knock you back

He needs support, definitely, but he should have chosen someone more discreet to provide it. Why pick this pair?

Because he wanted to?

Surely it’s entirely up to him who he leans on?

Yanbu to be very upset.
He chose to speak to the most gosdipy of friends and share your medical information.

He absolutely could reach out for support and should but he doesn't need to do so in a way that would be advertising your business.

Absolutely awful of him.
I'm so sorry OP.

Perhaps you are also feeding the stigma by feeling shame. You’ve allowed yourself to share your pain with friends but not your DH. That’s part of the egocentricity of those with poor mental health.

firstly, I am sorry you are going through this, and genuinely I do think your feelings are valid and totally understandable.

but

I have been in your DHs shoes, and the stress on him is immense. This year I have been brought to breaking point by my DHs struggles and if your DH needed to offload then good for him. I sympathise with him a lot.

When people with MH struggles rely on others and talk about what they are going through, often at length and repetitively, they are passing a massive burden onto the people they talk to. It’s a lot.

You are implementing your own coping strategies, and he is doing the same, and I hope it gives him the strength to keep on supporting you.

I 'm sorry to hear you've been struggling OP and I wish you well, but YABU. It's not just your journey, it's his journey too. He's just walking a different path but still a very hard one. He shouldn't be restricted to just talking to your parents or his parents (which is much worse than confiding in a friend) and you can't govern whom he chooses to confide it.

It's very hard living with someone who has mental health issues. I did it for many years but I left in the end but who knows, maybe if I had confided in people about how bad it could be, maybe our outcome would have been different.

Cut him some slack, this is as hard for him as it is for you, just in a different way.

Did you ask DH to keep the information confidential from his friend?
His life has flashed before him, he is probably imagining all sorts of dark thoughts, finding your cold body, explaining your death to the children, losing his wife, job, his identity.
I am sorry that you considered ending it all but he’s under serious pressure as he didn’t identify the problem and you could have went through with the death. He isn’t sure if or when it’ll happen again.

Sorry that you’re going through this op but I agree it’s his journey too, telling a friend is a game changer with mh issues, I hugely disagree with payers saying he should only tell a counsellor, it takes time to find the right counsellor, he has a right to tell people and get it off his chest. He chose to tell them as it was something he needed to do at that time

I get that but it is his choice of friend that he shared with that seems to be upsetting OP more

Indeed. The friend and his wife are known gossips.

It seems that many posters aren’t understanding this.

But she doesn't get to choose who he shares his problems with.

Imagine a thread from a woman saying "DH won't let me speak to Betty and June about my problems, AIBU to talk to them anyway?"

Nobody would be on the DH's side.