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Original poster

Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

118 replies

ThisSpoonyShark · 14/12/2025 23:18

Just for a bit of background I have on and off had mental health issues, but I have had counselling for around 5 years on and off and I do absolutely everything in my power to stay on top of it all, walking, yoga, breathing exercises, talking therapy, CBT everything I can. I’ve been in control of it for quite a while, I live a lovey happy life with my husband and our two children and I am grateful for everything I have.

Around 2 months ago my mental health started to get bad again but the usual things were not helping and I started having more bad days then good days. I really struggled with this, one bad day I started getting the awful thoughts of everyone is better without me and nearly took an overdose, I stopped myself at the point of having lined them up. I called my counsellor who put me in touch with the local crisis team, I called my husband and was completely honest with him about how I had been feeling, and over the next week or two I also told my parents for extra support, my best friend of 30 years and my GP who put me on antidepressants.

I have worked soooo hard at making sure to get on top of this, and to do all I can in my power to stay “ok” I have kept routine of being a “good” mum and “good” wife and I feel I’ve worked really really hard to try and get myself out of this depression. I still have bad days but mostly now this has turned around.

Well today my husband went out with a friend and told him all about my suicide attempt and how I was antidepressants etc. I have only told people I trust so my husband, my parents and my absolute best friend. I haven’t told any other friends. It’s so so so personal to me. It’s my journey and it’s my life. I feel absolutely saddened by him telling this friend in particular as this friend and his wife gossip (I know so much about their other friends as they always gossip) and they also have a ln old fashioned stigma around mental health of all the people I would have wanted to tell they are absolutely not it. My husband said he needed someone to talk to about it as it’s been a lot and I understand that but I feel professional support, or my parents or his parents would be better than this friend who I absolutely did not want to know such a personal thing about me. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset about this, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BigOldBlobsy · 15/12/2025 07:01

outerspacepotato · 15/12/2025 00:19

One of the problems with husband sharing her info with his friends is there is zero control over who else gets told. This is private stuff and who knows who will hear this and how they could use it.

Another is that she now knows her husband will share her info, so might be less inclined to tell him what's going on. There's a big trust issue here.

I think the priority here is OP and her mental health, not her husband needing support. If he wants that, he can call a counselor. He can say he's not up to listening today. But sharing and putting her info out there, it's really a bad idea.

With all due respect, as a psychotherapist @outerspacepotatothe most effective support system is an inbuilt one that can be present day to day. Building your support system is a key environmental factor in maintaining good mental health often, so as much as therapy is fantastic - I have seen a good family and friend system have a huge positive impact in most cases. Her DH needs support also that he can call on daily. Your therapist is not your friend or family, they have boundaries they cannot cross, such as popping round for a cuppa or a hug. A late night call. Sending a nice box of chocolates or a home made meal round.

TheAutumnCrow · 15/12/2025 07:10

BigOldBlobsy · 15/12/2025 07:01

With all due respect, as a psychotherapist @outerspacepotatothe most effective support system is an inbuilt one that can be present day to day. Building your support system is a key environmental factor in maintaining good mental health often, so as much as therapy is fantastic - I have seen a good family and friend system have a huge positive impact in most cases. Her DH needs support also that he can call on daily. Your therapist is not your friend or family, they have boundaries they cannot cross, such as popping round for a cuppa or a hug. A late night call. Sending a nice box of chocolates or a home made meal round.

Show quote history

He told the wrong friend. A known gossip.

NutButterOnToast · 15/12/2025 07:16

It's clear that OP isn't objecting to DH sharing at all, more the people he's chosen to share their struggles with

Some of you are coming at this from a pretty bad faith angle and it's not cool.

OP, it's done now. I hope nothing comes back to you from your wider circle and these people do respect your confidence.

ThisLittlePony · 15/12/2025 07:22

I think the priority here is OP and her mental health, not her husband needing support. If he wants that, he can call a counselor. He can say he's not up to listening today. But sharing and putting her info out there, it's really a bad idea
so he’s not a person in his own right ? Just a support human/sounding board?
why does the same then not happen, if op wants support she needs to speak to a counsellor, not him?

TheAutumnCrow · 15/12/2025 07:26

ThisLittlePony · 15/12/2025 07:22

I think the priority here is OP and her mental health, not her husband needing support. If he wants that, he can call a counselor. He can say he's not up to listening today. But sharing and putting her info out there, it's really a bad idea
so he’s not a person in his own right ? Just a support human/sounding board?
why does the same then not happen, if op wants support she needs to speak to a counsellor, not him?

Yes, he’s a person with his own personhood.

But he told a gossip. Not a trusted friend. The other sort.

Pilateslover · 15/12/2025 07:27

No it’s not actually clear if OPs only objection to her husband sharing with a friend, is the fact it is this specific gossipy friend. It may well be but her post leaves room for doubt which is why I asked for clarification upthread.

My husband said he needed someone to talk to about it as it’s been a lot and I understand that but I feel professional support, or my parents or his parents would be better than this friend who I absolutely did not want to know such a personal thing about me

OP did not mention “another friend” in this list of suggested alternatives.

Offmybloodybulbs · 15/12/2025 07:29

I think you are being unrealistically controlling. Including in how you approach your own mental health. Depression and even suicidal ideation are really common if you shared with more people you might find some comfort.

Having had depression myself I am aware of how self-centred it makes you - and not in a positive way. It's exhausting to think about yourself, and how you come across, and generally not being good enough - all the time.

Have you thought of talking to your counsellor about how mad you are at DH and see if they can help you work through it.

Mullaghanish · 15/12/2025 07:34

Could you ring up the gossipy friend and explain that you are on the mend and that you would appreciate their discretion?

GrannyTeapot · 15/12/2025 07:36

He is completely, utterly, out of order sharing any of your personal medical information with anyone without your permission. It’s a violation of your trust and his position in your life.
Would he think it acceptable if you told all and sundry if, for example, he had medical issues affecting his sexual performance?? I bet he wouldn’t like that.
You need to make it very clear how you feel and what you will find acceptable or not moving forward. I’m sorry you’ve had this on top of everything else.

Smugzebra · 15/12/2025 07:37

Sorry he told this particular person as you feel they weren't a good choice to tell....but as someone who has been in your DH position I can tell you he was probably desperate to talk to someone...anyone...about it.

The feeling of having to be the person worrying terribly about a loved one and having holding it all together is really really stressful and lonely.

Not minimising what you have been through.. obviously that is so much worse, but just saying I understand why he would be in a place where he needed to share.

His mistake was probably choosing that particular person! Probably didn't think it through.

Maybe you could ask him to send them a quick msg just to reiterate that what he told them was in confidence so he would appreciate if they didn't share with anyone?

YellowCherry · 15/12/2025 07:39

I agree with other posters that your DH needs support too, and you can't tell him who he can get the support from.

However, it's unfortunate that he chose a friend who is a big gossip. I can understand your feelings about not wanting everyone talking about this, and I'm surprised DH doesn't realise why you're upset about that.

Neither of you are being unreasonable really. It's a difficult situation for both of you.

Kindling1970 · 15/12/2025 07:48

I guess flip the genders. Women are traditionally thought of as having very close friendships with other women they tell everything to and get a lot of support that way. Is this because he is male that it feels shocking and upsetting? He deserves that sort of friendship too.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 07:49

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. I’ve recently supported DH through some serious health issues and confided in a friend because it was beginning to impact my own mental health being his constant support system.

Midsmale55 · 15/12/2025 07:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheAutumnCrow · 15/12/2025 07:52

Kindling1970 · 15/12/2025 07:48

I guess flip the genders. Women are traditionally thought of as having very close friendships with other women they tell everything to and get a lot of support that way. Is this because he is male that it feels shocking and upsetting? He deserves that sort of friendship too.

I think it’s because the friend and his wife are known gossips

Crofthead · 15/12/2025 07:53

outerspacepotato · 14/12/2025 23:34

He's out of line sharing your private medical info with anyone without you okaying it.

If he needs support, he can go to counseling. I see this as a betrayal of trust and it would be a big deal.

I disagree. I think it’s healthy for him to confide in a trusted friend. That’s a lot for him as well as op

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 07:57

Crofthead · 15/12/2025 07:53

I disagree. I think it’s healthy for him to confide in a trusted friend. That’s a lot for him as well as op

Show quote history

This friend can't be trusted to keep confidential information to themselves though. That is why OP is upset and concerned because they are known gossips who spread juicy information that they have been told.

Surely a 'trusted' friend would be one that would support OP's DH and who would definitely keep the information to themselves. This isn't the case here.

TheAutumnCrow · 15/12/2025 07:58

Crofthead · 15/12/2025 07:53

I disagree. I think it’s healthy for him to confide in a trusted friend. That’s a lot for him as well as op

Show quote history

But he’s not trusted though. That’s OP’s issue - he’s a gossip.

GloriousGoosebumps · 15/12/2025 08:00

Of course your dh needs support but why did he choose the two people guaranteed to gossip about the situation to confide in? That sounds deliberate. Was he trying to punish you or to hurt you? I would also be interested to know what he thinks will happen when this couple inevitably gossip about your mental heath to everyone else within your friendship group.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 15/12/2025 08:08

Sorry you feel like this and have been struggling op. Sorry too that you feel that your confidence has been betrayed and that people will be talking. As someone on the other end you are being uhard on your dp and people in general. It's really hard supporting someone with mental health issues and your DH is perfectly entitled to speak to a friend he trusts to get support for himself or even any available ear if he was having his own breakdown in that moment ( and it's unfair of you to expect him not to). Has your DH had counselling too? If he is telling people who are likely to gossip it probably wasn't planned and may indicate he needs to process what happened. He has been through his own trauma and it's a scary place to be. I know this is your personal information but when you make an attempt on your life it becomes bigger than one person and although this man and his wife may generally gossip hopefully they will have the decency not to and to just want to support you.

GrillaMilla · 15/12/2025 08:11

I think he should've respected your privacy.
He needs support too I agree, but that was way too much detail to tell someone that he wasn't absolutely certain would keep it all confidential.
He could've confided without the details.

researchers3 · 15/12/2025 08:13

The issue is very clearly that the people he told are gossipy.

But maybe they'll keep schtum on this one OP.

I hope so. It's done now but I wouldn't be happy about this either. Maybe they are the only ones he felt able to confide in?

Stay well OP.

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/12/2025 08:15

Smugzebra · 15/12/2025 07:37

Sorry he told this particular person as you feel they weren't a good choice to tell....but as someone who has been in your DH position I can tell you he was probably desperate to talk to someone...anyone...about it.

The feeling of having to be the person worrying terribly about a loved one and having holding it all together is really really stressful and lonely.

Not minimising what you have been through.. obviously that is so much worse, but just saying I understand why he would be in a place where he needed to share.

His mistake was probably choosing that particular person! Probably didn't think it through.

Maybe you could ask him to send them a quick msg just to reiterate that what he told them was in confidence so he would appreciate if they didn't share with anyone?

I'd always recommend talking directly rather than texting in this kind of situation. Somehow putting it in writing would feel like a further betrayal and I wouldn't be able to gauge the friend's sincerity without hearing their voice.u

MYOB12 · 15/12/2025 08:20

Redwinedaze · 14/12/2025 23:44

I’m in your husbands position and I have confided in two friends because I need support to and was at risk of burning out.

Same! The person I spoke to wasn’t even a close friend but we got talking and it turns out this person had training in a relevant field and was able to point me in the direction of resources that help both myself and my (now ex)H.

Member984815 · 15/12/2025 08:20

You're not unreasonable to feel that way , but your husband needs support too .unfortunately you can't choose who he reaches out to. I'd be grateful he has someone to talk to .

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