Told me repeatedly about the gloves for ex-DH, AIBU?

[Justnoodaga]

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

Sounds really weird. But also, you’re a stronger/nicer person than i am!… there’s no way is be entertaining a cheating ex for Christmas

"Mum, I don't care. Give them or don't give them, but can we stop talking about the bloody gloves."

This would be valid even if you were still together!

Maybe she genuinely doesn't know what else to say. Its a very odd situation anyway, having your ex-husband hanging around for Christmas at the in-laws, so your mum is probably fixating on the gloves for want of anything else to say.

If the conversation bothers you, just redirect to the food, the kids' presents, the price of turkeys this year.... literally anything else.

What has bothered me is she knows I’m very upset and have struggled. It seems cruel to keep saying they’ve thought lots about his gift. They’re not elderly, they’re in their sixties and my mum is not shy or worried about being blunt. She isn’t worrying about what to say so mentioning gloves. It seems really specific and nasty.

That’d piss me off too. They should’ve got him a gag 🤭

Can you call her out on it then? And ask why she keeps bringing them up as she knows it's a difficult enough situation without her going on about how much effort she's put in to a present for someone who has really hurt her daughter?

Are your parents actually happy to host him or do they feel obligated to? Maybe your mum is labouring the point of how much the gloves cost them as some kind of hint?

Just to give a different perspective, maybe your mum doesn’t know how she’s meant to behave as she knows he’s hurt you and you’re upset, but she’s also hosting him in her home over Christmas and can recognise that you’re being really strong and putting your children first in a really difficult situation so she’s trying to support you with this, but doesn’t really know how to do it or what Christmas is meant to look like with all that is going on and she’s fixating on the gloves. Talking about the gloves might be her trying to say, look I’m trying to be civil to him too and make things as normal as possible for the kids, am I doing it right? Obviously I don’t know her at all so have no idea, but it seems a bit odd to otherwise focus on the gloves.
i hope you and the kids have as nice a Christmas as you can under the circumstances.

Any time I see my DM, she mentions my EXDP (he’s also father of my DC). She finds a way to shoehorn him into any conversation. I have no idea why she does it (my DM and I don’t have a great relationship), and she has continued despite me asking her to stop; just one of the reasons I am very low contact.

You have my sympathies OP, I’d just ignore it, or say that’s nice. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Yes I have said I know about the gloves and can we move on from that as it feels hurtful to me that they’ve even bought him anything. She then gets hugely offended and says ‘oh sorry’ in this really astonished tone. Then does it again next time we speak.

@Starseeking sorry you’ve experienced similar. I don’t get WHY, do you? If I had a friend in this situation I would be so sensitive to how she felt. I certainly wouldn’t even be buying gifts without asking her opinion first

She is nervous and anxious about the Christmas arrangements and wants to get it right for everyone. The concern about the gloves being 'right' is a cover for her fears. She is actually looking for reassurance and approval from you. Tell her everything is fine.
In her shoes I would want to rip his head off, in defence of you! Instead she has to play hostess this man who has hurt you so much.... And try to protect her grandchildren....

My mum does shit like this, she has made every difficult time in my life more difficult.

I would ask, in a very gentle voice, “do you remember having this conversation before mum? Can you remember what I said?”. And suggest a gp visit.

But then I’m a dick back when she’s behaving like this!

Eugh she sounds like she's just being a dick then and having a dig. Quite why though is the hurtful bit.

That sounds very difficult, OP.

Maybe your mother is just nervous about hosting your ex-husband at Christmas, and doesn't really know what to say? He has been awful to her daughter, and now you all have to celebrate Christmas together. I understand that it's worst for you, but perhaps it's difficult for her, too?

Yes I have said I know about the gloves and can we move on from that as it feels hurtful to me that they’ve even bought him anything

yet you're still expecting them to host him ...

It’s weird you’re expecting them to host him on Xmas day, but then upset they’ve bought him a gift.

your boundaries are all over the place, I think they can’t win and are probably worried about it all being awkward & doing the wrong thing.

If she is telling you over the phone, then just hang up as soon as she mentions them. If it’s in person then just disengage from the conversation, get up and walk away.

She’s likely just anxious about the whole situation and the gloves represent that anxiety of hosting a likely tension-filled event.

@PigeonsandSquirrels she is definitely not anxious about it. She says it and sort of waits for a reaction. Even if I change the subject she brings it up again. I could be reading into it but seems like a weird thing to do

This

It sounds like your dm is understandably nervous about an awkward Christmas with a sil who she barely knows, and who is about to leave his family. She wants to make xmas as lovely as possible for you and her dgcs, and is doing her best to smooth over the cracks for that one day.

Just reassure her that the gloves are fine, and move on.

I'm not sure about the why OP, but my dad does something similar. Ever since me and ex split, he's made a show of him and my mums marriage. He's all over her in front of me, constantly mentioning how many years they've been married, has put up engagement and weddings photos everywhere. It's just....weird. He wasn't like this before, and he kind of looks at me for a reaction. It's all done with a smile on his face so it doesn't appear mean but it seems like a dig.

'Oh that reminds me, I need to buy some condoms.'

Would that put a stop to it?

I know the type.

I’d honestly cancel the whole ridiculous day. No child ‘needs’ what’s planned. Stay home with your DC and let your Ex pop in for a cup of tea and mince pie in the morning to see the kids, and maybe exchange a present with them.

It’s Year 1 of your new life, keep it calm and simple.

My father nearly chased a cheating ex of mine with a pitchfork. I managed to intercept the unfortunate chap who had come round to "explain" the unexplainable before he encountered my dad so I could tell him what I though of him in crystal clear tones as I was leaving the property with my mother in the car. I resisted the impulse to run over his foot. My mother maintained a dignified silence. My dog had taken a particular dislike to him too - deep visceral hatred and attempted to attack him - but she was hampered by being a chihuahua. Daddy who was doing a little digging with a pitchfork would have been a different matter. I can't understand why your mother has even bought him a gift. Your parents should be on your side. Looking on the bright side, it sounds like your husband doesn't come from a long lived line.