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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told me repeatedly about the gloves for ex-DH, AIBU?

127 replies

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 21:19

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

OP posts:
silkypyjamas · 15/12/2025 08:20

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 23:32

@PigeonsandSquirrels she is definitely not anxious about it. She says it and sort of waits for a reaction. Even if I change the subject she brings it up again. I could be reading into it but seems like a weird thing to do

Why don't you just say. 'can you shut the F up about the gloves?!' or something to that effect next time she mentions them. If my mum did it, that would be my reaction and not pussy footing around being polite! does she by any chance blame you for his infidelity or think you shouldv'e forgiven him?

shhblackbag · 15/12/2025 08:38

I really don't understand why you're expecting/wanting your parents to host Christmas for your cheating spouse, who, by your admission, they barely know. How is that not going to be awkward for everyone, including your children? The atmosphere is unlikely to be very festive. Sounds hellish.

ChikinLikin · 15/12/2025 08:48

I would tell her how you feel about the gloves. I'm guessing you think it's not appropriate for her to give your cheating ex an expensive gift. If I'm right, just tell her. Ask her to return the gloves. And tell her maybe it was a mistake to ask him for Christmas and that next year you'll do things differently. Say to your mum that you'd like to be honest and open with her from now on and not try to pretend things are okay when they're not.
Why are you having Christmas with him? He had a fucking affair. Couldn't he have had them on Boxing Day? Is it too late to change the plans? I would.

butterpuffed · 15/12/2025 08:53

You're thinking about it more than your DM is talking about it . Let it go ~ Christmas will be over and done with in a few weeks and the problem won't arise again as presumably having Christmas together, including the ex, is a one off.

Shessweetbutapsycho · 15/12/2025 08:59

The whole situation sounds completely toxic- the cheating husband who has been awful to you, the mother who seems to be trying to deliberately get a reaction from you… I’m not quite sure how you thought any of this was a good idea!? I think the old “doing it for the kids” excuse doesn’t wash- they’ll pick up on the tension and discomfort. Have Xmas with just your parents, ask your mum to return the sodding gloves, and the kids can spend a couple of hours with the cheating bastard husband in the afternoon.

Muffinmam · 15/12/2025 09:13

It sounds like your mother has symptoms of early dementia.

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 09:29

WelshRabBite · 15/12/2025 08:01

I’d play with it.

”Yep, you’ve told me about the really expensive gloves and I’m so excited about it! If you’ve got my lying, cheating, scumbag ex something expensive, I can only imagine the gorgeous luxury gift you must have gotten me. Now, don’t spoil the surprise, but I’m assuming either Cartier or Tiffany. This is going to be such a great Christmas!”

But seriously, do not have your ex over for Xmas. He broke your family unit, he doesn’t get to be a part of it anymore.

And don’t kid yourself it’s for the benefit of the kids. If you’d separated amicably maybe, but when there’s (major) fault on one side, hurt, animosity and anger, the kids are going to feel all of that, no matter how well you think you’re hiding it.

All of this.

ldnmusic87 · 15/12/2025 10:10

I wouldn't be entertaining him for christmas at all.

pforpig · 15/12/2025 10:12

WallaceinAnderland · 15/12/2025 01:26

'Oh that reminds me, I need to buy some condoms.'

Would that put a stop to it?

Yes say this

Gingercar · 15/12/2025 10:19

I think the gloves are the least of your problems regarding this Xmas meal. It’s never going to be the lovely balanced festive experience you’re imagining for your children. Everyone is going to be tense and awkward.

SparkleSpriteDust · 15/12/2025 10:28

Unless your mother has a tendency to wind people up and make unkind comments then I would guess that she is struggling with this separation.

She may well be very familiar with all the reasons for the split but could, at the same time, still be feeling very sad and mixed up about it. Her emotions are probably all over the place; possibly very difficult for her to know what the right thing to do is during these early days in the split.

I think she is thinking of you and her grandchildren and their dad and trying to do the best for everyone. I suspect that she has buried her head in the sand a bit and just wants everyone to get along.

I would be inclined to sit down over a cup of tea and have a chat with her about both the fancy gloves (!) and the bigger picture.

CautiousLurker2 · 15/12/2025 10:30

Does she KNOW she’s repeated the same comment about the gloves? I mean, depending on her age, is there a chance she is developing Alzheimer's? [Although I understand age is not the main factor.]

ronswansonstache · 15/12/2025 10:35

Sounds like something my DM would do. She’s possibly trying to make the situation about herself and her connection to the day & the awkwardness is via these gloves that may or may not be appropriate to give.

caringcarer · 15/12/2025 10:38

No way would an ex who cheated on me be invited to eat Xmas dinner with my family. Tell them you don't want him there and to take the bloody gloves back.

SamVan · 15/12/2025 11:08

I can see why it feels like a betrayal OP. Only you know your mum well enough to know if it's intentionally meant to make you feel bad or not though. My mum is emotionally stunted and forgetful so she does shit like this all the time too which is why I never tell her anything, or involve her in anything where I feel emotionally vulnerable as she'll put her foot in it.

tlofmlwcharlie · 15/12/2025 11:23

I wouldn't be entertaining this cheating bastard for Christmas in the first place.
It's not helping anyone.

By inviting him to have Christmas with you as in previous years it's created an awkward situation. It would be weird to have him there for Christmas and he doesn't get presents from anyone while everyone opens theirs. Your Mum has bought him something which is fair enough. However, it's fucking annoying that she keeps going on about it!
I'd be asking her directly what point she is trying to make by bringing the gloves up constantly. She's making a point, hard to tell what.

SandyY2K · 15/12/2025 11:25

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 21:19

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

It could be the early onset of dementia. Repeating things like you've never heard it before is one sign.

littleburn · 15/12/2025 11:45

My parents did something similar with my ExDH - bought him a gift and gave him cash the first Christmas after we broke up. I think they didn’t know what to do for the best, but rather than ask me (I’d have said a card was more than enough) they got him a gift as normal. It felt very undermining, like they were sending a message that they were on his side. Even better, they gave it to me to give to him!

Bayroot1 · 15/12/2025 11:53

I'd be cancelling. Ex can pop in. She's awful.

Chloebeeps · 15/12/2025 18:04

You separated in October..... Why is he invited ? Are you still sharing the marital home? I suggest you enjoy Christmas with the children in their own home. Your cheating husband spends a short time seeing the children open their presents & then goes off to OW. You then have a lovely lunch & family afternoon. Your insensitive Mother is not what you need when you are still feeling raw & vulnerable.

Nearly50omg · 15/12/2025 18:11

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 23:32

@PigeonsandSquirrels she is definitely not anxious about it. She says it and sort of waits for a reaction. Even if I change the subject she brings it up again. I could be reading into it but seems like a weird thing to do

She’s a nasty bitch!!! I’d change your Xmas plans and have the kids with you at your house and tell your parents they can host your ex as they like him so much and are more concerned with being nice to him than their behaviour around you and supporting you

Roosch · 15/12/2025 18:42

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 21:19

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

Could you say to your mum “thanks mum but can you keep them for my next partner?”

MrsJeanLuc · 15/12/2025 19:02

HuskyNew · 14/12/2025 22:42

It’s weird you’re expecting them to host him on Xmas day, but then upset they’ve bought him a gift.

your boundaries are all over the place, I think they can’t win and are probably worried about it all being awkward & doing the wrong thing.

This.

I think the most worrying thing about this thread is that you are planning to spend Xmas with a man you split up with 2 months ago! If you think this will help your children ... trust me, it won't! The atmosphere will be terrible.

she is definitely not anxious about it. She says it and sort of waits for a reaction. Even if I change the subject she brings it up again

Ok, well then this isn't hard. When she waits for a reaction you say "mum, I told you I don't want to talk about the gloves". And you put the phone down. Every time. She'll soon stop. If she challenges your behaviour, same thing "mum, I told you this isn't up for discussion" and put the phone down / walk away.

You clearly have a problem with setting boundaries, I think you need to work on that for your own sanity.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 15/12/2025 19:06

I don’t understand why you’re having your cheating EXDH at your parent’s house for Christmas. Your poor DM probably doesn’t understand it either. I hate to say it but despite what you say, your children won’t enjoy spending the day in such a toxic atmosphere. I’d seriously be thinking about changing the plans. So they don’t include your cheating areshole EX. Then you won’t have to see or hear about gloves again.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/12/2025 19:11

This is weird, and frankly she sounds like a bit of a cow. I’d tell her once and for all that’s it’s not to be mentioned again. She should be supporting you through a difficult time, not buying presents for your ex. But then I wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of having Christmas with my ex anywhere near me, so really the gloves are not the biggest issue here..