Told me repeatedly about the gloves for ex-DH, AIBU?

[Justnoodaga]

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

A stable Christmas what's with all of that thinking..It isn't stable it isn't fair to the kids and isn't normal so why pretend

I’d find that really upsetting too, especially given how fresh everything still is. Buying him something “to be polite” is one thing, but repeatedly bringing it up feels tone deaf at best. Even if she doesn’t mean it unkindly, it comes across like she’s rubbing salt in a very raw wound.
My guess is she thinks she’s being fair or demonstrating that she’s “above it all”, rather than deliberately trying to hurt you. But intent doesn’t matter that much when the impact is you feeling uncomfortable and unheard.
If you feel able, I’d gently say something like “I understand why you got him something, but hearing about it over and over is hard for me right now.” A decent parent should be able to take that on board. You’re not being unreasonable for wanting a bit more emotional sensitivity at the moment.

My grandmother did similar to my mum when they split up. My mum moved us up to live near her parents for the support and my father would visit us a couple of times a year, normally including Christmas. My grandmother was always complementary about my dad, got him nice presents etc. Gushed about how good he was to provide for us (he was actually pretty shitty in this regard but better than many men in his situation were). She basically had this idea that my mum had thrown/driven away a “good catch”. She was pretty sexist in many ways, something I didn’t really notice until I was in my late teens, and just kind of thought men were generally better. Was more interested when they talked, assumed they were right if there was disagreement, served them first at the dinner table, etc. The sexism was possibly unconscious. But it seemed to be the case she prioritised men and was quite judgemental about women who didn’t have a partner.

My gran was born well over a century ago, so those attitudes were a bit more prevalent in her generation but maybe it’s something similar, OP?

Was it the Borgia’s who used gloves as a way of poisoning their enemies? Maybe she’s dropping you a hint?!

Be sweetly concerned about her:

”Mum are you ok? You’ve told me about those gloves 4 times now, do you remember? Are you finding you’re forgetting conversations a lot? I wonder if we need to think about getting you to the GP?”

Are they magic gloves that slap your ex round the face when he unwraps them? Can’t see the fuss if not.

Maybe start directly calling her on it “Mum you’ve brought this up more than once now, what do you want me to say?”

or “you keep repeating yourself, are you wanting me to react in a certain way mum?”

I have a friend like this, I say friend but I have distanced myself.

I think your mum purposely brings this up to get a reaction out of you, or to make you feel like shit even if you don’t react. If she was sorry, she would have stopped doing it after the first conversation surely.

My shitty mate, used to do this to me. She would like ask about personal matters in front of other people, or even just constantly message me talking about personal things. Eg how did a family member die? I just started ignoring her but then she would feign concern when I didn’t give her the reaction I wanted to her pointedly asking something hurtful.

I know it’s different when it’s your mum, but you need to find a way to get some boundaries in place I’d probably ask her if it’s dementia given you’ve had the exact same conversation numerous times before, and see how she likes a taste of her own medicine

This could be the case.
When my husband passed away, I was broken and barely functional but had to keep going and that included socializing with other humans and my god, the conversations!

I'm convinced that people weren't trying to be thick or rude but the things that some of them said?? I'm thinking that perhaps they were just very uncomfortable and they didn't know what else to say so they just started blathering on or getting into a repetitive conversation and I'm wondering if perhaps that's what your mother is doing.
But why she bought him gloves in the first place? He doesn't deserve a present from them, but maybe she would feel uncomfortable, it's christmas, they're getting together, how could she not have a present for him?
It's not about what's fair, it's about what serves her emotional need.
It's not fair that your partner who cheated on you and broke up the family should be getting some nice expensive gloves from your mother but, she obviously has a need to not feel empty-handed, to not feel embarrassed and not feel like she's doing something wrong... So, she's doing what she's doing. Try not to take it personally.

But I would agree, if the subject comes up, change the subject.
Even if it's something really random and the subject changing does not feel organic, it feels really abrupt then it's all the more obvious that you're doing it to deliberately change the topic and if she thinks about it, she'll realize that she brought up those damn gloves again, what's this the sixth time that you brought it up? 7th? Stop repeating yourself!

I agree it’s about the OP’s mum wanting to provoke a reaction - an emotional reaction. And who’s she going to tell about it? The ExH of course, and the other family members, under the guise of ‘concern’.

But it’s pure drama & entertainment for her.

Like I said, I know the type. They’ve got issues.

All you can do is project it back at them - goodness, mother, you are becoming terribly dramatic about a pair of gloves! Are you under a lot of stress at present? - and/or keep your distance.

If she mentions it again say you are worried about her memory as this is the 5th time she has mentioned the gloves and you have previously asked her to stop. If she says she remembers them ask her why she she is bringing it up again. Be blunt back.

You are bringing their cheating son in law for Christmas, it is very odd. I expect they are choking on it like a bone and find it hard to process or know what to do.

I would say to my DM "Mum can you shut up about the bloody gloves" which would probably work - she is also a blunt woman who can be insensitive at times (not deliberately, I don't think).

I'm just a few years younger than OP's DM

Yes I would say she'd doing it (possibly sub-consciously) to get a reaction. You are not reading too much into it OP. By buying him a superlative pair of gloves she is saying "he is special" and "I value him".

But as to why - is she is generally unsupportive and paints you as the problem in every situation? So in other words the break up must be your fault because he's amazing? If otherwise the relationship with your DM is fine then I guess you shouldn't let a pair of gloves be the undoing of you, but definitely be on your guard. You might need to take a bit of a step back from her while you process the break up if she's not got your back.

Frankly I would be a gibbering wreck if my daughter had expected me to entertain her abusive ex partner for Christmas. I can imagine myself going on about the dinner, or a pair of gloves or any other random thing to stop myself saying what I really thought about the situation.

It’s one thing spending your christmas with your cheating ex for the sake of your DC, it’s another expecting someone to host him. My mother would no way even let him through the door. She probably does feel a bit awkward about it and it’s coming out in this way. Hopefully spending Christmas with him won’t backfire and make things even harder for your DC.

I am putting myself in her position and imagine that it would be out of the pure awkwardness of the situation - it feels like him being there for Christmas is at the front of her mind and the gloves have become the focus
Whose idea was it to invite him?
There is no way I would have agreed to this in your position and no way I’d have agreed to it in your mum’s position

Absolutely agree- so confusing for the children and stressful for the adults

Your mother sounds generally unsupportive to you so you shouldn't be surprised at her behaviour. Do you have to go to her house for Christmas?

She sounds like a pretty crap mum to you. Is she one of those women that will always take the man's side?

I'd massively cut contact with her if she can't properly support her own daughter in this horrible situation.

So @Justnoodaga‘s mother is expected to provide a totally “normal” Christmas with her daughter’s awful ex partner present. Produce totally normal atmosphere for the children, while treating their father with enough hostility to show she is being supportive of her daughter. Be totally normal-but not give him a present. Be totally normal-without beevously blathering on about something random because she knows it’s a completely batshit idea and is bound to end in disaster. In short, to behave the way Mumsnetters seem to expect the parents of adult children to behave-without any thoughts, feelings and wishes of their own.

I go with the idea of asking her if she is OK? Does she need to see a doctor? Early dementia, as she keeps repeating herself?

I think you are being unreasonable. You mother has no relationship with your ex. That is not her fault yet she is having him Christmas because that is what you have decided is best, she is nervous understandably. No one knows what goes on in a marriage so cannot judge..You could have been having problems for ages or stuck in a loveless marriage, no one knows. He is coming into your parents house, knowing he is not really wanted for his children, they are what matters.

Of course. Because she can’t possibly have feelings about this ridiculous situation she had been bounced into.

Why on earth would you think inviting your cheating ex to your family Christmas was a reasonable thing to do? My aunt used to pull shit like this then complain that people were being too friendly/not friendly enough/were acting weird/were avoiding them (no kidding).

Sorry OP I think YABU

Why would you be offended about his parents buying him a gift when you’re the one inviting him to their home on Xmas day?

Do you think they should have got him nothing?

She’s likely mentioning it constantly to prepare you for then giving them to him, as it seems you’re going to have a problem with it.

You are already upset that they’ve bought him something when he’s hurt you - you have even told them this and so they’re concerned about how you’re going to act when you see it in person.

If it was me, I would have said thank you for allowing him to still come and for going to the trouble of getting him something.
You are putting them in an incredibly awkward position and they are being very kind.

You either need to not invite him at all or bury your feelings and have it as a normal day.
You cannot have both and it is unfair that you are taking it out on your parents when they are in such an awkward position.