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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told me repeatedly about the gloves for ex-DH, AIBU?

127 replies

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 21:19

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

OP posts:
Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/12/2025 06:50

I think it’s because she’s incredibly uncomfortable with the situation. She’s either trying to overcompensate by stating the cost of the gloves as a “look how on board I am with all this” as a way to be supportive or is using the gloves as a conversation starter hoping that you might say not to bother with them because he won’t be coming.

It’s definitely worth a calm and honest conversation with her to ascertain her feelings about spending Christmas with you all.

She must be feeling incredibly nervous. Imagine how hurt she is on your behalf, how worried she is about your situation but also how she has to push those feelings down for her love of her grandchild.

Speak to her

Elsvieta · 15/12/2025 06:50

Maybe she thinks she's following your lead? You said you wanted to have Xmas with him even though you're over - so she thought, ok, we're acting like it's a normal Xmas, so I'd better get him a gift? Maybe it's her way of saying she's going to go along with your plans and act nice and keep the peace - even if she'd prefer never having to set eyes on the prick again.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 15/12/2025 06:53

Maybe your mum is planning on strangling the cheating bastard with these extra special “Equalizer” gloves. Edward Woodward style. Well done love, tolerating that for the kids. Have a lovely Christmas.x

Told me repeatedly about the gloves for ex-DH, AIBU?
Tryingatleast · 15/12/2025 06:55

Maybe she’s wondering if they should have got him a present and so is trying to justify it or is considering not giving it

honeylulu · 15/12/2025 06:56

She might be nervous about how Christmas is going to go and mentioning the gloves is a bit like saying "it's all going to be OK isn't it?"

Or possibly (because my parents would be exactly like this) she is disappointed that you haven't succeeded in hanging onto your husband and it's her way of "telling you off". My mum thinks women should put up with all sorts of crap is they are lucky enough to win a husband. Absolute bullshit in my opinion but there you go.

Eyeshadow · 15/12/2025 06:57

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 06:02

Your mother sounds generally unsupportive to you so you shouldn't be surprised at her behaviour. Do you have to go to her house for Christmas?

She sounds like a pretty crap mum to you. Is she one of those women that will always take the man's side?

I'd massively cut contact with her if she can't properly support her own daughter in this horrible situation.

Show quote history

She is being very supportive.

She is allowing OP and her ex to come to hers for Christmas and has even gone to the trouble of buying the ex a gift.

This is going to be one of the most awkward, uncomfortable Christmases for her and it’s not fair that OP is making it even worse.

OP needs to decide whether she wants a completely normal xmas as she’s suggested, which includes buying ex a gift.
Or to not invite him.
She cannot have it both ways.

I cannot believe you are suggesting cutting contact when OP has asked for Christmas at her house and for her ex to join.

The mum sounds like an absolute saint to go along with this utter madness.
Everyone is going to be on edge, including the mum who OP is getting upset with for buying her ex a gift.

If I was the mum I’d be telling them it’s either best they all stay home or to not invite the ex.

ArcticGrass · 15/12/2025 06:58

Do you have to do Christmas together, sorry, but it doesn’t sound right for you….?

Wafflesandcrepes · 15/12/2025 06:58

I’m saying this with kindness and your best interest at heart: tell him he’s not welcome at Christmas and give the gloves to charity (or get your money back if you still can.)

HollyhockDays · 15/12/2025 06:58

“Mum you’ve told me about the gloves - lovely, expensive blah blah. Please stop”

repeat, repeat

Or just put the phone down the next time she mentions them.

Daysgo · 15/12/2025 07:02

I'd think she's dreading the day, having to act like everything's normal, and the gloves are maybe all she can bring herself to think about it as it's an ordinary aspect of the day. Tbh I think it's an awful idea and seems unlikely to end up as a peaceful day which could be more unpleasant for your children anyway.

Whoevenarethey · 15/12/2025 07:12

I think the whole situation is crazy. I agree with people suggesting that mum doesn't really know how to act so keeps mentioning the gloves as a way of coping.

Why are you still inviting him? When are you going to tell the kids? I don't really understand the idea of having a nice Christmas together only to blow it up in their faces on Jan 1st when dad gets his tenancy through for a new home. You found out in October he was cheating on you, so plenty of time for him to have made other plans for the day (or why can't he just stay home? Not sure why he gets to be hosted?).

TryingtryingTryingfivetimes · 15/12/2025 07:15

Op, my dm at the beginning of my divorce struggled with it. She upset me so much. Saying how much she missed her son in law. I told other people and my aunt set her straight. She is allowed to mourn her relationship changing but she needs to pick the right person to discuss it with.

I don't deny she lost a sil who she thought was a good guy. I don't deny how much she gave and still is giving me. She gives me so much free childcare and my dc love her. I do love her and she hasn't mentioned him since my aunt told her off. That was a very strange and hard time I experienced. To be honest I know I haven't told her the worst things ex did. She only knows about the financial abuse and bits of pieces here and there. My dad physically abused her, she says she worked it out. My son crying for his dad didn't help. She used to ask has the anger subsided yet? She also stopped that now.

mcmuffin22 · 15/12/2025 07:22

My mum is similar, OP. I have had years of it. With my exh (amicable split) she spent many years inviting him for Christmas without telling me, jabbering on about him etc. I recently split with a partner and she is making a show of staying in contact. It's bizarre. I think she's a massive people pleaser.

Sparkletastic · 15/12/2025 07:25

I’d be rethinking the plan for Christmas Day

TidyCyan · 15/12/2025 07:33

TryingtryingTryingfivetimes · 15/12/2025 07:15

Op, my dm at the beginning of my divorce struggled with it. She upset me so much. Saying how much she missed her son in law. I told other people and my aunt set her straight. She is allowed to mourn her relationship changing but she needs to pick the right person to discuss it with.

I don't deny she lost a sil who she thought was a good guy. I don't deny how much she gave and still is giving me. She gives me so much free childcare and my dc love her. I do love her and she hasn't mentioned him since my aunt told her off. That was a very strange and hard time I experienced. To be honest I know I haven't told her the worst things ex did. She only knows about the financial abuse and bits of pieces here and there. My dad physically abused her, she says she worked it out. My son crying for his dad didn't help. She used to ask has the anger subsided yet? She also stopped that now.

Only the OP knows what tone is being used but I expect it's closer to this than being nervous about Christmas. There are tons of threads on here with a MiL bemoaning what a nice chap her ex-son-in-law was when he was actually a lying toad.

Owly11 · 15/12/2025 07:34

Perhaps she is trying to goad you into getting angry enough to tell the stupid fucker he is not invited to xmas. Or perhaps she likes your dh and thinks you are making a mistake. Or perhaps she bought them before she knew you were separating and is feeling guilty about them and wants you to reassure her that it is ok for her to still give them to him. Honestly only you can find out by speaking with your mother about it calmly.

LokiDoki75 · 15/12/2025 07:36

GooseberryGreen · 15/12/2025 01:37

My father nearly chased a cheating ex of mine with a pitchfork. I managed to intercept the unfortunate chap who had come round to "explain" the unexplainable before he encountered my dad so I could tell him what I though of him in crystal clear tones as I was leaving the property with my mother in the car. I resisted the impulse to run over his foot. My mother maintained a dignified silence. My dog had taken a particular dislike to him too - deep visceral hatred and attempted to attack him - but she was hampered by being a chihuahua. Daddy who was doing a little digging with a pitchfork would have been a different matter. I can't understand why your mother has even bought him a gift. Your parents should be on your side. Looking on the bright side, it sounds like your husband doesn't come from a long lived line.

I’m sorry, but this made me laugh! I wouldn’t cross a Chihuahua 😂

Maestoso · 15/12/2025 07:36

Either go to your parents without him or don't go to your parents at all. He's only had one Christmas with your parents, it's not like it's a family tradition that can't be broken. Look at splitting the day or staying home with him on Christmas day and going to your parents on Boxing day. Anything except him going to your parents.

Ask your mum if she kept the receipt for the really nice gloves, tell her to return them. And to never mention them again. Ever. She can spend the saved money on the children if she has to spend it.

MayaPinion · 15/12/2025 07:37

It’s the displacement of her anxiety. The gloves are the one thing under her control. She’s looking for you to say, ‘How wonderful. I’m sure he’ll love them’ so you can all pretend everything is ok. It’s going to be a very difficult day with him there, instead of the relaxed joyful one they’d prefer.

nomas · 15/12/2025 07:39

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 23:32

@PigeonsandSquirrels she is definitely not anxious about it. She says it and sort of waits for a reaction. Even if I change the subject she brings it up again. I could be reading into it but seems like a weird thing to do

Then I have to agree that she seems to be enjoying the situation.

This would make me want to cancel and have Christmas at home.

What are they like as parents, supportive or distant?

CactusSammy · 15/12/2025 07:39

My mum does stuff like this too. One year she made a huge deal out of getting my ex's address so she could send him a Christmas card (it was a few years after we split, so im not sure why it was suddenly a thing).

I said im not sure why you would want to send a christmas card to a man who used to be abusive and threaten to hit me, and she replied 'well, we didnt see that'.

You're not overreacting, its really bloody hurtful.

Willowskyblue · 15/12/2025 07:43

I think the gloves symbolise the discomfort your mum feels about seeing him and this is her trying to rationalise or process it however, just say to her to drop the subject each and every time it comes up. She’s thinking of herself, not if you.
I’d tell her the only glove I’d be getting is a boxing glove!

wrongthinker · 15/12/2025 08:00

OP, cancel this event. Your mum sounds cruel and like she's enjoying your discomfort. I'd be surprised if this is the first time she's done something hurtful or controlling - I expect it's a pattern.

Just have a quiet xmas with your kids and don't get caught up in the drama other people are trying to create.

WelshRabBite · 15/12/2025 08:01

I’d play with it.

”Yep, you’ve told me about the really expensive gloves and I’m so excited about it! If you’ve got my lying, cheating, scumbag ex something expensive, I can only imagine the gorgeous luxury gift you must have gotten me. Now, don’t spoil the surprise, but I’m assuming either Cartier or Tiffany. This is going to be such a great Christmas!”

But seriously, do not have your ex over for Xmas. He broke your family unit, he doesn’t get to be a part of it anymore.

And don’t kid yourself it’s for the benefit of the kids. If you’d separated amicably maybe, but when there’s (major) fault on one side, hurt, animosity and anger, the kids are going to feel all of that, no matter how well you think you’re hiding it.

queenMab99 · 15/12/2025 08:11

Tell your mother to stuff the gloves where the sun don't shine. Don't attempt a day of joy and celebration with him, or your mother if you think she is not being supportive. It will only confuse the children. Christmas can be different, Start a new tradition of your own, of not accepting knobs who upset you, even if they are family.