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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told me repeatedly about the gloves for ex-DH, AIBU?

127 replies

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 21:19

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

OP posts:
Endorewitch · 15/12/2025 19:14

Have you had issues with your Mum before?I am a Mum with a daughter who was in your situation. I was cool but pleasant to exDH,for the sake of the children.
I remember buying a run of the mill bottle of wine for him at Xmas. Just so the children saw he had a present. I asked my daughter if this was OK and if she had said no ,I would have dropped idea. As a Mum with grown up daughters I cannot understand your mother. She seems to lack self awareness and empathy.
Tell her you are fed up to the teeth hearing about bloody gloves!Let her get upset. Not your problem.

Teathecolourofcreosote · 15/12/2025 21:25

What will your custody arrangements be when you've fully split?

My friend's parents were a bit like this. They were scared a) of the change and b) wanted to keep them happy so it wouldn't limit their time with the grandchildren. They were used to being a very active part of their lives and didn't want any change (it was a 50/50 agreement).

He's treated you badly and I'm sure understand that you have to split. But really they just want it to go back to how it was when they knew you were okay. Of course it can't but I'd suspect there's an element of that in her bid to keep up this 'family' part through the bloody gloves (as they shall need always to be known).

NewYearSameMe16 · 15/12/2025 22:07

If anyone thinks a heartbroken mum with a cheating ex-partner and unsupportive mother, who’s just trying to give her kids a normal Christmas, is at fault here, you’re insane.

OP, from your post, it seems as though he’s still living with you, so I’d allow him to watch the kids open presents and then you go off to your parents. Be kind to yourself; you deserve to have a good day too. Your kids will love seeing you enjoy it instead of being tense and annoyed.

You should tell your mum to return the bloody gloves as he won’t be coming and if she brings them up again, she wont be seeing you for Xmas at all. If your mum has a history of this type of behaviour and you feel like she’s doing it on purpose, you need to let her know she has to start supporting you or it won’t just be a son-in-law she loses.

Seidkonna · 15/12/2025 23:16

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 21:19

DH and I separated in October. He had been having an affair and he’s been absolutely bloody awful to me. My parents know all about it.

We are keeping the Christmas plans to have Christmas at my parents house (his parents are no longer here). It’s been a very difficult year for one of our DC and we want to keep the stability as they have Christmas holidays. Ex DH has found somewhere to move to and the tenancy starts in January.

My parents have bought ex DH a pair of gloves for Christmas. They don’t actually know him massively well as we lived abroad for first few years and only ever had one Christmas all together.

I don’t have an issue with these gloves specifically or the fact of them (though I do think it’s unnecessary) but what I do have an issue with is that this topic has come up repeatedly. No exaggeration my mum has probably told me about these gloves and how nice they are, how expensive they are, for the last four times I’ve met her or spoken to her on the phone. She makes a point of bringing it up. Initially I asked why they had bothered after what he’s done and they said it would be embarrassing not to get him something when everyone else has. Fair enough I accepted that. But why the constant mentioning of it? That’s a sincere question, am I reading into this too much or is this a nasty thing to do? Is she getting a kick out of it and if so why?!?!

Maybe it is a way of begging him to take you back. Some parents devalue their daughters by being overly nice to her horrible partner as in their eyes he is better than her. And this is exactly what is bothering you.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 16/12/2025 00:37

You get the gloves. So you can strangle him with.them.

Cheating Toe Rag.

All the best
Xxc

Mere1 · 16/12/2025 03:15

Bonbon21 · 14/12/2025 21:42

She is nervous and anxious about the Christmas arrangements and wants to get it right for everyone. The concern about the gloves being 'right' is a cover for her fears. She is actually looking for reassurance and approval from you. Tell her everything is fine.
In her shoes I would want to rip his head off, in defence of you! Instead she has to play hostess this man who has hurt you so much.... And try to protect her grandchildren....

I can see this might well be her perspective.

Shutuptrevor · 16/12/2025 05:12

HuskyNew · 14/12/2025 22:42

It’s weird you’re expecting them to host him on Xmas day, but then upset they’ve bought him a gift.

your boundaries are all over the place, I think they can’t win and are probably worried about it all being awkward & doing the wrong thing.

Yes, this.

I can’t imagine how this can possibly be a good Christmas plan tbh. What weird boundaries and standards to show your kids.

Kick the fucker out and have the expensive gloves yourself!!

ChristmasBlanket · 16/12/2025 05:23

Looking on the bright side, it sounds like your husband doesn't come from a long lived line.

😂😂😂

JoshLymanSwagger · 16/12/2025 05:55

I'd have lost it with her by now and told her to shove the fucking gloves up her arse.

I'd also cancel seeing them for Christmas - they can host your EX and his stupid gloves instead.

lifeisgoodrightnow · 16/12/2025 06:05

Woah. She hosting Christmas for you and your ex partner and trying to support you in making things as normal as possible for you and the kids ? She’s probably feeling very awkward and not knowing how to behave and doing the best she can to accommodate the piece of s h I t. And you’re cross at her ? She’s not the droid you’re looking for OP.

InlandTaipan · 16/12/2025 10:14

ChristmasBlanket · 16/12/2025 05:23

Looking on the bright side, it sounds like your husband doesn't come from a long lived line.

😂😂😂

Yes hilarious. The OP must be so pleased to hear this, given that she has children with him. 😒

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 16/12/2025 13:19

Bonbon21 · 14/12/2025 21:42

She is nervous and anxious about the Christmas arrangements and wants to get it right for everyone. The concern about the gloves being 'right' is a cover for her fears. She is actually looking for reassurance and approval from you. Tell her everything is fine.
In her shoes I would want to rip his head off, in defence of you! Instead she has to play hostess this man who has hurt you so much.... And try to protect her grandchildren....

This.

WingsTingle · 16/12/2025 15:44

Pineapplesunshine · 14/12/2025 21:32

Just to give a different perspective, maybe your mum doesn’t know how she’s meant to behave as she knows he’s hurt you and you’re upset, but she’s also hosting him in her home over Christmas and can recognise that you’re being really strong and putting your children first in a really difficult situation so she’s trying to support you with this, but doesn’t really know how to do it or what Christmas is meant to look like with all that is going on and she’s fixating on the gloves. Talking about the gloves might be her trying to say, look I’m trying to be civil to him too and make things as normal as possible for the kids, am I doing it right? Obviously I don’t know her at all so have no idea, but it seems a bit odd to otherwise focus on the gloves.
i hope you and the kids have as nice a Christmas as you can under the circumstances.

I think similar. In some weird way, she’s probably trying to reassure you that they will try and do their best to support you through a difficult (horrible, for you!) Christmas by making an effort

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 17/12/2025 13:19

Either your mum has dementia and doesn't remember that you've split up it she's just being a cunt.

I wouldn't have Xmas day at her place.
Have it at home with your DC.
Does DC know that dad's moving out?

Sympathies OP

Original poster
Justnoodaga · 17/12/2025 15:09

I am really surprised about the posts saying she could be worried and anxious about having to host him.

Obviously I can’t say with 100% certainty that that’s not the case but as she’s seen him from time to time since the break up I really don’t think it is that. She is also not someone who would feel at all anxious about something like that, it’s just not who she is.

Ive been told how much they were, ‘they were really very expensive, they’re very nice ones.’ When I sort of acknowledge it and say oh right yes, she then pushes it again and will say we wanted to get something nice…

I really don’t buy that she’s anxious but then I don’t know why she is doing it

OP posts:
TidyCyan · 17/12/2025 15:13

What would she have done if your dad had an affair?
I have met women who think you put up and shut up for the sake of the kids. Is she one of those who disapproves of divorce?

Mothership4two · 17/12/2025 15:14

Instead of "yes I know" have you tried "why do you think I care?" OP?

Dweetfidilove · 17/12/2025 15:43

Justnoodaga · 14/12/2025 21:24

What has bothered me is she knows I’m very upset and have struggled. It seems cruel to keep saying they’ve thought lots about his gift. They’re not elderly, they’re in their sixties and my mum is not shy or worried about being blunt. She isn’t worrying about what to say so mentioning gloves. It seems really specific and nasty.

Then don't be shy in telling her you're sick of hearing about the gloves; so stop mentioning it.

ClaredeBear · 17/12/2025 15:54

Justnoodaga · 17/12/2025 15:09

I am really surprised about the posts saying she could be worried and anxious about having to host him.

Obviously I can’t say with 100% certainty that that’s not the case but as she’s seen him from time to time since the break up I really don’t think it is that. She is also not someone who would feel at all anxious about something like that, it’s just not who she is.

Ive been told how much they were, ‘they were really very expensive, they’re very nice ones.’ When I sort of acknowledge it and say oh right yes, she then pushes it again and will say we wanted to get something nice…

I really don’t buy that she’s anxious but then I don’t know why she is doing it

This behaviour is familiar to me…but only as part of a pattern, whereas you don’t seem to suggest that. If it’s a one off it does seem weird but has she got form for this kind of thing?

LeafyMcLeafFace · 17/12/2025 17:14

My daughter split up from her husband in similar circumstances.

I have seen him a couple of times on passing and thankfully haven’t had to engage with him. If she said he’s spending Christmas with us for the kids sake and we want it to be as normal as possible I’d find that very odd and pretty challenging. Of course it’s nothing to do with me, but as a man who treated my daughter very badly, what I want to do is tear him a new one. I don’t want to sit in a room and be polite. So I’d be trying to engage with her about it and find out how to play this. I don’t think I’d obsess about driving gloves, but I can imagine my mum would in the circumstance- just wanting to make sure she was being OK.

Again this is yours to manage not hers but I’m trying to explain how this might be challenging for her.

Original poster
Justnoodaga · 10/01/2026 18:08

An update on this. So he didn’t come to Christmas lunch in the end. During the day lots of people were in the house so I just said I would take the gloves and give them to him. They went along with that and then a couple of days later asked for them back! Said there’s no point now, he wasn’t at Christmas lunch so they may as well return them and get a refund as they were expensive.

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 10/01/2026 19:28

Justnoodaga · 10/01/2026 18:08

An update on this. So he didn’t come to Christmas lunch in the end. During the day lots of people were in the house so I just said I would take the gloves and give them to him. They went along with that and then a couple of days later asked for them back! Said there’s no point now, he wasn’t at Christmas lunch so they may as well return them and get a refund as they were expensive.

It's just fucking weird

Original poster
Justnoodaga · 10/01/2026 20:11

@MusicMakesItAllBetter yes I don’t know what all the drama was about

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 12/01/2026 04:23

Did he drop out of Christmas lunch or was he told not to come OP?

I just said I would take the gloves and give them to him. They went along with that and then a couple of days later asked for them back! Said there’s no point now, he wasn’t at Christmas lunch so they may as well return them and get a refund as they were expensive.

Hope they haven't involved you in this OP? If they want him to return a gift, then that should be between them. Wouldn't be surprised if he says no though.

Their behaviour sounds bizarre

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/01/2026 05:19

Justnoodaga · 10/01/2026 18:08

An update on this. So he didn’t come to Christmas lunch in the end. During the day lots of people were in the house so I just said I would take the gloves and give them to him. They went along with that and then a couple of days later asked for them back! Said there’s no point now, he wasn’t at Christmas lunch so they may as well return them and get a refund as they were expensive.

Guessing you didn’t give them to ex so I kinda see their point

pointless you having them esp if did cost a lot

why did he not come to lunch in the end @Justnoodaga

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