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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

111 replies

gracendace · 14/12/2025 09:57

Morning all,
I have 3 DC, my eldest DD is 25, she lives abroad (Europe so not a long flight). My wonderful BIL passed away very suddenly recently, his funeral is on Friday. My sister and her husband were very close to my children when they were small, looked after them often, lots of sleepovers with cousins etc. My other 2 children are devastated and have spent a lot of time with their cousins since, just providing some support.
I called DD this morning to see if she was coming, so we could arrange transport for everyone, and she said she couldn't make it. She works freelance and makes a lot of money posting on social media so there is no work reason she couldn't come. She isn't coming home for Christmas either as she is going to her dad's (he lives in a different European country).
I feel really sad that she isn't coming, I appreciate funerals aren't for everyone and some people grieve differently, but even if it were a case of not wanting to go to the funeral, I'd have thought she would want to visit, to be there for her cousins, aunt and family in general?
Really it's a whole different issue but I feel as though DD moved abroad, started making money on social media and met her current boyfriend, she has become a totally different girl. She is just more selfish and less aware of her family in general.

AIBU expecting her to at least visit and ideally attend the funeral? It's made me so sad and I feel as though she just doesn't care for her family anymore.

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 14/12/2025 10:00

She just feels differently to you, OP, and she's an adult wwith her own opinionsand priorities. She has chosen not to come, and I think that's fine.

Namenamchange · 14/12/2025 10:01

Yes it’s sad and a little self interested that’s she’s not coming back. Be thankful for your 2 children that are offering support.

FuzzyWolf · 14/12/2025 10:04

People grieve differently and she has her own life to lead. Just because you don’t view her as being busy, doesn’t mean that she isn’t or that she wants to spend the excessive Christmas-hike in flight prices on travelling.

Whilst YABU about this, I’m sorry about his death and I hope the funeral goes as gently for all of you as it can.

Lennonjingles · 14/12/2025 10:07

What was her actual reason not to come over and has she been to many funerals, whilst it’s upsetting for you, everyone is different.

Pineapplewaves · 14/12/2025 10:07

Her cousins, aunt and family is general will have plenty of friends and family at the funeral to support them, your DD’s not attendance will not affect anyone. In this situation I would send my condolences and not attend either, it’s a long way to travel and at the busiest and most expensive time of the year. DD doesn’t need to be there to remember her uncle, she can still be thinking of him. Your BIL has gone, he’ll never know DD did not attend.

YouDriveMeCrazyButICanDoThatMyself · 14/12/2025 10:09

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

You say they were close when DD was small, meaning they no longer are.
Im in my 50’s and my aunts/uncles are getting in a bit, so this scenario has been on my mind a bit recently as a couple have been in poor health. We haven’t been close since I was very small, so I also wouldn’t attend their funerals. I wouldn’t travel for hours with the time/cost that involves.

Im a fairly recent widow, people grieve in different ways, I didn’t/wouldn’t feel badly about anyone who chooses not to attend a funeral.

Maryberrysbouffant · 14/12/2025 12:17

I don’t think you can expect a 25 yr old to fly to a different country to attend a funeral of an uncle they were close to as a small child, no.

Your other two are there to support you, and your dd is old enough to weigh up the situation and make her own decisions. My aunt didn’t even fly home for her own mother’s funeral (due to the fact she had flown back to be with her when she was ill and was there when she died)

NimbleHiker · 14/12/2025 12:58

I am sorry for your loss. Everybody grievs differently. I went to my grandma's funeral because i felt pressured in to going. I don't find funerals helpful at all.

LighthouseLED · 14/12/2025 13:03

I feel really sad that she isn't coming, I appreciate funerals aren't for everyone and some people grieve differently, but even if it were a case of not wanting to go to the funeral, I'd have thought she would want to visit, to be there for her cousins, aunt and family in general?

Is she still close to her cousins etc, though? I didn’t go to my aunt’s funeral - sent a condolence card and would have attended if it was local to me, or if other elderly relatives had needed a lift there, but I doubt my attendance or otherwise made any difference at all to my cousin as we are really not close as adults.

singthing · 14/12/2025 13:17

It sounds like you want her to come more for your benefit/expectations/how it looks than anything.

Funerals are for us, but we all grieve a loved one differently and we cannot judge how another does it. She has made her decision and that's how it is.

Hope all goes well.

BrinkWomanship · 14/12/2025 13:18

I don’t think this is as much about your daughter’s grief and more her lack of care for others in her family who are grieving, ie. her aunt, cousins and you. She sounds self-absorbed and I understand your disappointment in her behaviour.

Vaxtable · 14/12/2025 13:21

YABU. Shes old enough to make up her own mind, it doesn’t sound as if they were close for a number of years, either to her uncle or cousins, and she may just not like funerals

noone should be forced to go, she has her own life now, and you sound quite bitter about that

Lookingforthejoy · 14/12/2025 13:21

Can she afford the flights? Traveling it’s self will mean a lot of time out of work. Is she still close the aunty, uncle and cousins?

Dearg · 14/12/2025 13:24

Can she attend virtually? That may not mean as much to you, but it would show respect.

I really think expecting her to fly home for a funeral is OTT; lovely if she suggested it,

My extended family are supportive of one another, but I did tell my lovely cousins not to travel from Devon to NE Scotland for my Dad’s funeral. It’s not as if we would be socialising etc.

Octavia64 · 14/12/2025 13:25

You don’t know what else she has going on.

at 25 she’s building her own life and won’t necessarily tell you about illness/friendship problems/issues with dad’s family (you say dad is in another country).

she said she can’t make it. Believe her.

Bollihobs · 14/12/2025 13:26

Lennonjingles · 14/12/2025 10:07

What was her actual reason not to come over and has she been to many funerals, whilst it’s upsetting for you, everyone is different.

A 95 year old might feel they've "been to too many funerals" but a 25 year old??? Don't be ridiculous.

Smartiepants79 · 14/12/2025 13:26

Pineapplewaves · 14/12/2025 10:07

Her cousins, aunt and family is general will have plenty of friends and family at the funeral to support them, your DD’s not attendance will not affect anyone. In this situation I would send my condolences and not attend either, it’s a long way to travel and at the busiest and most expensive time of the year. DD doesn’t need to be there to remember her uncle, she can still be thinking of him. Your BIL has gone, he’ll never know DD did not attend.

I disagree that her absence will not affect anyone. It’s affecting her mother already. And it will be noted and remembered.
Maybe she genuinely can’t come. And it’s true that it’s not a good time of year to travel and it’s true that people grieve differently.
I do think a little show of real regret that she can’t come wouldn’t go amiss though to make her aunt and cousins feel better. Alongside an attempt to show some love and support in a different way.

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 13:32

Have you offered to pay for her flights? A "short flight from Europe" won't be cheap at this time of year, and attending the funeral will involve several days of travel and expense for her.

I do think YABU to just expect her to attend, especially as you don't appear to have discussed it with her until today.

MyKindHiker · 14/12/2025 13:35

Wow I’m pretty surprised by the posts on here. I’d say attendance at family funerals is mandatory! My sister didn’t come to my uncle’s and we were all fuming with her.

Honestly the responses - her priorities, her wishes - what about doing things we don’t want to or are hard because it would mean something to the people we love? (The mum in this scenario, let alone cousins and aunt)

It feels we’re raising a generation of selfish entitled monsters. Between this and the thread of people being pretty outraged a mother had asked her 19 year old daughter in full time work to do her own laundry - I mean if this is the way y’all are raising your kids, get ready to be chucked into the cheapest nursing home at the first opportunity for them never to be seen again. Yikes.

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 13:37

Wow I’m pretty surprised by the posts on here. I’d say attendance at family funerals is mandatory!

She lives overseas and works overseas - are you going to fund her travel? Reimburse her for her missing work?

My family were all overseas and I never attended any of their funerals - it simply wasn't possible, either financially or logistically. That's life, unfortunately. Not everyone can attend everything.

NoKnit · 14/12/2025 13:39

I don't think this is about cost or time off work. This is an extremely busy time of year for everyone. Living abroad is exactly that, living abroad. She is not on extended holiday and able to drop everything for a funeral you want her to attend. She probably also has commitments. How would you feel if you were told to pack a bag and jump on a plane tomorrow?

Hesma · 14/12/2025 13:40

I get where you’re coming from but I don’t think she is BU either. If the service is been streamed send her the link and she can attend online. If she’s a freelance worker you can’t expect her to let people down at short notice t she has work planned.

Snoken · 14/12/2025 13:40

@MyKindHiker clearly not everyone thinks that funerals should be mandatory. Some people find them helpful when it comes to being able to move on, others find them traumatising and some don't see the point at all. I think as a society we are moving away a bit from traditional funerals and more people opt for direct cremations and similar. Nobody is doing it wrong, but people have a choice and that choice shouldn't be used to try and guilt them into doing something that doesn't feel right for them.

Sw1989 · 14/12/2025 13:43

Sorry for your loss, but I think you're being a little unreasonable here expecting her to travel from abroad, especially if she's self employed/ freelance. It's not just the cancelling/ time off work, it's all the other logistics and deadlines that may be involved. I was in a similar position recently for a family funeral in the UK for an elderly auntie. It wasn't possible for me to take more than a day off work, would have involved driving from Yorkshire to a very remote area of Kent and back in a day by myself. I sent my condolences and apologies to my uncle and cousins who I'm very close with and they absolutely understood.

BeeCucumber · 14/12/2025 13:44

I’m surprised some people on here believe family funerals should be mandatory. Grief is a private matter and everyone should be able to do so in their own way rather than be bullied into attending.

Having said that OP, I’m sorry you have lost your wonderful BIL.