To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

[gracendace]

Morning all,
I have 3 DC, my eldest DD is 25, she lives abroad (Europe so not a long flight). My wonderful BIL passed away very suddenly recently, his funeral is on Friday. My sister and her husband were very close to my children when they were small, looked after them often, lots of sleepovers with cousins etc. My other 2 children are devastated and have spent a lot of time with their cousins since, just providing some support.
I called DD this morning to see if she was coming, so we could arrange transport for everyone, and she said she couldn't make it. She works freelance and makes a lot of money posting on social media so there is no work reason she couldn't come. She isn't coming home for Christmas either as she is going to her dad's (he lives in a different European country).
I feel really sad that she isn't coming, I appreciate funerals aren't for everyone and some people grieve differently, but even if it were a case of not wanting to go to the funeral, I'd have thought she would want to visit, to be there for her cousins, aunt and family in general?
Really it's a whole different issue but I feel as though DD moved abroad, started making money on social media and met her current boyfriend, she has become a totally different girl. She is just more selfish and less aware of her family in general.

AIBU expecting her to at least visit and ideally attend the funeral? It's made me so sad and I feel as though she just doesn't care for her family anymore.

Your dd is an adult , she can make her own decisions about attending funerals etc.

my friend didn’t fly home from America for her grandmas funeral, she remembered her in her own way as flights are ridiculously expensive.

i didn’t go to my uncles funeral ( he was a bit of a dick in real life) I was the only niece not to attend, my choice, my decision.

Her non attendance at the funeral wouldn’t bother me but I’d like to think that she’s at least managed to send an appropriate card.

Personally feel you're being a bit harsh here OP. Sounds like things have been quite quick from the death to the funeral which means this has all been quite last minute? Regardless of money etc it's a lot of disruption to suddenly be rushing for flights, packing etc, and what about her clients? She runs a business and while I imagine while she has some control she may have deadlines coming up.

It feels like you're determined to see her as selfish so maybe pointless but yeah I think a last minute flight for a funeral in mid December is quite an ask

Also I saw some relatives more as a kid but I don't really know them these days as an adult. Perhaps she feels awkward at going to a funeral where her memories of him might be a bit spotty and she wasn't close to him in recent years?

How do you implement ‘mandatory’ though with an adult? You can’t mandate adults

I didn’t go to my aunt’s funeral although I was very close to her throughout my teens and beyond. Logistically it was just too much expense and organisation, and I was in the same country (but another part).

They won’t know about it.

Like I said I appreciate that she may not want to attend the actual funeral, but in our family at least we do support each other...

Bloody hell OP, this is a nasty comment. You are judging her by YOUR preferences, and going from 1-00 assuming she now doesn't support her family, all because she isn't doing what YOU want her to and because YOU have summarily decided she can afford it with all her "hell of a lot of money". (That you seem to know so much about her finances and she still isn't coming says the decision is not even about money anyway.)

You seem to think your way is the only way allowed. Newsflash: It isn't.
At what point will you accept that she is an adult with her own thoughts and choices about how she grieves for this person?

I really hope she doesn't see your post and learn what you really think about her.

So do her cousins, presumably same generation as your DD, feel they need to see her? My nieces and nephews in their 20s connect through social media, WhatsApp calls, etc. They communicate more frequently and effectively with each other than I do with my lovely cousins.

I really do think you are looking at this through your very specific filters Op; your DD is quite possibly supporting her cousins remotely and they may be more comfortable than you.

Have they expressed disappointment?

It's lovely that you have no issues with finding £1000 to fly in from abroad at the most expensive time of the year and that you don't need to worry about work.

And presumably she has contacted her cousins and Auntie to offer her condolences. Maybe even sent a card and flowers

Travelling from Europe for a funeral is a big thing

But it's also pretty clear you don't rate her life style choices (and are perhaps a little jealous) and don't approve of what she's doing anyway

She lives in another country. It's also very close to a major holiday when flights are already booked and she'd be paying through the nose if she could even get a seat. She's already got flights to see her immediate family, her dad. She might have work things going on. Freelance doesn't mean never working, more the opposite.

I think you're being unreasonable expecting her to drop everything to go to this funeral. It also comes across that you don't like what she does for a living and her lifestyle.

You don't know what contact she has with her cousins so you aren't in a position to judge, yet you are.

I think you have a point there, certainly if you compare it with some other countries and funeral traditions. I cannot imagine for one minute any of the people I know who come from Ireland not coming to a relative's funeral unless they were in hospital or very infirm.

Op the amount of people on here going to great lengths to justify your daughter’s selfish position are just projecting.

It’s fine if you don’t value family, connections or able to take time out for your loved ones but please stop pretending it’s logistics, work or money. Most funerals don’t take place in days not in western culture anyway, there’s sufficient notice to make financial and work arrangements.

Op has already clarified she lived in Europe, flights don’t cost that much (it’s not Australia which seems to be the one touted on here a lot) flights aren’t that long. OP’s daughter isn’t going to have her home taken by the bank like @vanillalattes if she takes a day or two off to attend.

The reality is that for most on here making excuses for your daughter’s selfish position, they don’t prioritise anybody past themselves. They don’t deem most family valuable or important and I’d have a lot of respect for them if they just admitted that rather than write long winded paragraphs to convince the rest that it’s ok to miss funerals of family.

I wouldn’t expect my kids (early 20s/late teens) to attend any funeral if they were geographically a long way away and it was going to cost £££. I’d definitely ask them to send a card/text but I don’t think it’s up to me to spend their money.

Of course if they wanted to attend and money was the only thing stopping them then I’d cover the cost.

Unfortunately it happens , my dad died, all of the other grandchildren travelled many miles to be at the funeral, my niece, whose dad also happens to be a vicar, allowed her parents to make an excuse that they didn't have a dog sitter! So an extremely flimsy reason not to attend your granddad's funeral but we just had to accept it and move on.

A last minute flight in December is going to be expensive. There is a horrible flu going around and airports are going to be a great place to get sick. It’s an incredibly busy time of year for many people.

a funeral abroad for an uncle is a very big commitment. Just because she isn’t traveling doesn’t mean she isn’t grieving.

The reality is that for most on here making excuses for your daughter’s selfish position, they don’t prioritise anybody past themselves.

One could also argue that it’s selfish to expect others to do something just because you have specific expectations of how they should behave.

”I wouldn’t do that” =/= “people who do / don’t do that are selfish”

So how do you know she is not supporting the cousins that she talks to daily outside of the family group chat?

YABU

You’re judging her through your own personal lens of what you do and what you feel she should do.

She’s an adult and frankly, it is none of your business what her choice is and why.

Why not spend your own energy focusing on the bereaved family and how to be there and help them than your adult child not doing what you want?

Surely they matter more than you dwelling and looking for people to tell you you’re right and your ADULT daughter’s personal choices that have nothing to do with you, is wrong.

I didn't go to my FILs funeral recently. Theoretically just a short flight away but flight timings, airport parking, lost work, pets, car hire etc. would have ended up being in the thousands.

In my experience, early and mid twenties are necessarily quite a selfish time of life, when you are seeing yourself up as an adult, and dietaries yourself from your parents. Also, you don't understand death and loss. I would accept this, and recognise that as she will likely come back to family, and also recognise how important funerals are.

I think that we all assume when somebody leaves the family home they are an “adult” and can make their own decisions. In fact I’m sure there are plenty of us who thought we were very much grown up at 25 and knew best. Only later in life did we regret our decisions and wish we had listened to our parents and their wishes (within reason).

Your daughter may have valid reasons for not attending. But this is a close family member and it comes across like she thinks she’s too important to attend… surely an uncle who everyone loves so dearly deserves some type of recognition.

It's quite sad actually to read this.

Her life = her choice. She's a grown up remember. She may have other commitments you aren't aware of and some people aren't into funerals. My mum often tries to stick her oar into my business and it's safe to say l don't appreciate it, you daughter most likely feels the same

Apart from my husband and my brother I honestly couldn't tell you who was at my parents funerals, I was so distraught. I just wanted everyone to go away and leave me be. Hate funerals, just ramp up the devastation. Won't be having one myself.

To add, what we did spend thousands on instead was going and visiting when he got his terminal diagnosis, making sure my husband could be there when his dad passed and spending an extended time abroad supporting his widowed mother in the New Year.

Privileged to be able to make those choices, for many people it just wouldn't be financially possible.

“In our family we…” is a script and it’s specifically YOUR script. She is 25 and is writing her own script with her values, her responsibilities, her priorities. You don’t get to tell her what those are. It is an adjustment but deciding she’s selfish and unpleasant because she does things differently to you is a mistake.

Enjoy getting to know the person she is growing into. Rather than mourning the child she was or you wanted her to be.

Perfectly fine for her to choose what she does.
In fact I thought initially she was 16.
YABVU.