To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

[gracendace]

Morning all,
I have 3 DC, my eldest DD is 25, she lives abroad (Europe so not a long flight). My wonderful BIL passed away very suddenly recently, his funeral is on Friday. My sister and her husband were very close to my children when they were small, looked after them often, lots of sleepovers with cousins etc. My other 2 children are devastated and have spent a lot of time with their cousins since, just providing some support.
I called DD this morning to see if she was coming, so we could arrange transport for everyone, and she said she couldn't make it. She works freelance and makes a lot of money posting on social media so there is no work reason she couldn't come. She isn't coming home for Christmas either as she is going to her dad's (he lives in a different European country).
I feel really sad that she isn't coming, I appreciate funerals aren't for everyone and some people grieve differently, but even if it were a case of not wanting to go to the funeral, I'd have thought she would want to visit, to be there for her cousins, aunt and family in general?
Really it's a whole different issue but I feel as though DD moved abroad, started making money on social media and met her current boyfriend, she has become a totally different girl. She is just more selfish and less aware of her family in general.

AIBU expecting her to at least visit and ideally attend the funeral? It's made me so sad and I feel as though she just doesn't care for her family anymore.

I think early twenties are the most ‘selfish’ stage, and I kind of think that’s a good thing. Young adults are building lives with relationships and jobs and at some level they need to prioritise themselves as they establish themselves. She can express condolences in other ways.
Sorry for your loss.

My mum was one of 7. I grew up with caring uncles and aunts. I have lived in the UK for 35 years there are 2 left of the 7 siblings. I went back for 2 funerals one my mum's. Not because I didnt care but because its a lot to travel over for a funeral. It doesnt make the grief any better it just is an expectation you show

I have no regrets for not showing for the 3 uncles that passed. I know my cousins are fine with my not being there. The 1 I did show for the cousisn were not invited to the after part so there were just the actual funeral service. It costs money and time out to go

I was very close to my aunties family when I was little, spent so much time there and I even lived with them for a while. I stopped seeing them when I was a teenager and now I would barely say hi if I walked past them in the street because we are basically strangers.

Just because he was prominent in your daughters life when she was a child doesnt mean anything once she is an adult, she wont remember a lot of it.

I see the same with my own son, he would love sleep overs and fun days out with my sister but as he's getting older the connection they had is weakening and I wonder how much he is going to see her once he is an older teen.

YABU, your BIL is not important to your daughter and that's fine, I'm sorry for your loss and its nice you have other family going.

I seem to be in the minority but for me if someone has had an impact on your life your should show your respects at their funeral.

This OP.
Also you're giving everything full importance as this is your family.

You must remember this is just part of her family, she also has her father's family as well as yours.
So in a way she's a lot more "spread thin", especially with people she hasn't had a relationship since she was a child.

This is nonsense, nowhere does the OP say that she hasn’t had contact since she was a child and it’s not like she is being dragged away from another important family event. It’s a short flight almost a week before Christmas!

It's a nice idea but in reality, it's not always practical, especially if you live abroad or are self-employed and/or don't get paid when you take time off.

My extended family all live(d) in Australia. They had a huge impact on my life but it was impossible for me to attend their funerals when they passed away - for financial reasons as much as anything else.

No I would not expect her to fly back. Your family seems well supported and her life is elsewhere.

Mumsnet is full some seriously miserable people who clearly don’t value family or connections. A whole cohort of people stuck in the rat race bleating on about going no contact for the silliest stuff.

Op your daughter is terrible for not attending to support you and family even if she’s not massively affected by the death. It’s no way for an adult close family member to behave. She’s clearly consumed in the social media life and that is inherently hedonistic, artificial and vacuous so I’m not surprised. Suggest to her she can vlog she may change her mind.

It's not just the flight though, is it?

It's the cost, the time off work, re-arranging clients (she works freelance), sorting out things like pet care (if necessary) etc.

If I had a funeral to attend "just a short flight away" it would cost me at least £500 to attend it. I can't afford that, no matter how much I care for the person.

🙄

I didn’t go to my best friend’s husband’s funeral or either of my grandparents or Aunty’s funerals.

My dad died when I was a teenager and this shaped my view on funerals and attendance.

I don’t care about performance grieving for other people’s benefit. In my opinion, it’s more important to be there for the bereaved after all the hoo ha has died down and they’re left to pick up the pieces.

That’s completely understandable though, Australia is literally the other side of the world and it’s not easy to arrange that kind of travel but most European countries can be done overnight or even the same day.

The OP works on social media so can presumably work from anywhere.

I'd be disappointed too. I think she should make the effort for the family. If it was my daughter, I would probably offer to pay in case the cost is an issue (but that only makes sense if her financial situation is significantly tigher than yours). Has she said why?

On the other hand, I wouldn't turn it into a major issue.

This reflects the loneliness, mental health issues and lack of family support in the UK. I too would be disappointed if one of my DC wouldn’t make it under the same circumstances unless there was a good reason

I'm 66 and will never attend another funeral. I've only been to 5 and it's my personal decision not to go to anyone else's.

I still couldn't attend even if the funeral was in Europe, though.

I'd have to take at least two days off work, and I'm self employed (like the OP's DD) so it would cost me several hundred in lost income. I'd have to pay for flights on top (another £100 or s), and pay someone to come in last-minute and feed the cats and look after the dog.

It's not like most people can just drop everything and hop on a plane.

I would really not expect someone to fly in from abroad for a funeral unless it was parents/grandparents/siblings. I live in Europe and have not been able to attend the funerals of aunts/uncles.

Can she even afford to drop around £1,000 for Christmas flights to attend a funeral?

One of my nieces married around Christmas and our flights alone were £750 each in 2018! (in the end it cost us £7,000-8,000 to attend).

Isn't the fact that she lives overseas and would need to pay for flights and miss out on work (freelance, so no compassionate leave or annual leave) a good enough reason?

I often wonder what world people live in where they can just drop everything and get on a plane at a moments' notice.

She does sound very selfish.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves for people that have been special in our lives, and pay our respects.

Can all of your DC afford £1,000+ to attend a funeral?

And sometimes it's just not possible to do that. It doesn't make people "selfish" just because they can't drop their lives and travel at a moments notice.

Your dd is an adult now. She has her own values, opinions and priorities, and it is up to her whether she travels home for a funeral.

Let her live her life to her standards rather than yours.

It really is up to her

It is the case sometimes that once they become adult, people don't always have clear memories of relatives who were a big part of their lives when they were kids. That varies person to person.

Your 20s can be a v self absorbed time, but if she's building a business online, just before Christmas may not be a great time to travel.

I would focus on asking her to write a really nice letter to your sister. Pick your battles and have faith her priorities will round out.

She works abroad. He's her uncle not her Dad, she may not be able to take the time off from her business.