To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

[gracendace]

Morning all,
I have 3 DC, my eldest DD is 25, she lives abroad (Europe so not a long flight). My wonderful BIL passed away very suddenly recently, his funeral is on Friday. My sister and her husband were very close to my children when they were small, looked after them often, lots of sleepovers with cousins etc. My other 2 children are devastated and have spent a lot of time with their cousins since, just providing some support.
I called DD this morning to see if she was coming, so we could arrange transport for everyone, and she said she couldn't make it. She works freelance and makes a lot of money posting on social media so there is no work reason she couldn't come. She isn't coming home for Christmas either as she is going to her dad's (he lives in a different European country).
I feel really sad that she isn't coming, I appreciate funerals aren't for everyone and some people grieve differently, but even if it were a case of not wanting to go to the funeral, I'd have thought she would want to visit, to be there for her cousins, aunt and family in general?
Really it's a whole different issue but I feel as though DD moved abroad, started making money on social media and met her current boyfriend, she has become a totally different girl. She is just more selfish and less aware of her family in general.

AIBU expecting her to at least visit and ideally attend the funeral? It's made me so sad and I feel as though she just doesn't care for her family anymore.

Funeral attendance should be left to the individual. The idea that someone should be mandated to attend potentially against their wishes is bonkers.

I haven’t been to most of our family funerals. I did go to my father’s funeral but not to any GP ones. On the flip side I have been to some funerals of friends parents.

I really don’t see what the drama is. If someone wants to attend they can, if they don’t want to then equally that’s fine too.

Some of the comments on here sound very controlling and unpleasant.

Wow I’m pretty surprised by the posts on here. I’d say attendance at family funerals is mandatory!

You don’t get to make anything ‘mandatory’ for other adults.

My sister didn’t come to my uncle’s and we were all fuming with her.

That, to me, just sounds like a bitter, unpleasant, rather bullying response to the perfectly reasonable and normal circumstance of one grown woman being unable to come to the funeral of an extended family member.

I mean if this is the way y’all are raising your kids, get ready to be chucked into the cheapest nursing home at the first opportunity

I think the sort of parents who get ‘chucked into the cheapest nursing home’ by their children are more likely to be the domineering, suffocating ones who think they can tell their adult children that an extended family event is ‘mandatory’ and start family feuds over non-attendance.

Maintaining family relationships is a two way street. If you’re not going to attend key life changing events like funerals then what do you consider a priority? The person you’ve quoted is right, some of you are raising selfish and vacuous children who are devoid of family values. Then you will be back here on mumsnet in your 60s or 70s complaining how DC doesn’t visit or won’t facilitate grandchildren to see you etc and wonder why.

I’d feel the same as you op. Of course she should go.

It’s impossible to raise children who are perfect. Everything is a compromise in parenting. If you go too far one way, you make something else an issue.

Has anyone heard of the Milgram obedience study? Up to 65% of people would administer what they thought was a near- or actually fatal shock to a stranger if they were told to by an authority figure. If you, like me, want to raise children in the 35%, you have to teach them to disobey. And one of the people they need to disobey is you. When they believe it to be correct to do so. Believing in their own, personal priorities, rather than yours, matters. If you don’t want your children to be the 65%.

If that means the cheap nursing home so I can raise a child who questions authority, I will put up with it.

It’s not the OP’s funeral, not the Mum, Dad or sibling of this young woman. There isn’t actually an obligation or need to be there for her siblings. They have OP there. The cousins will have other people.

And funerals vary a lot culturally. My Irish relations wouldn’t miss one if they were on fire. But my English relations, would completely understand a 25 year old woman who lives in another country missing her uncle’s funeral.

I 100% could not tell you who was at my Nan's funeral and whether anyone "expected" was there or not. In fact I'm 99% sure if I think back that at least one family member was probably missing

We don't hold it against them because that's petty and rude and a bit gross tbh

Yes but how would you mandate attendance?

Sounds like you want to clip her wings.

You have launched a successful and confident young woman into the world, be happy for her and don’t guilt trip her. She doesn’t want to come, that should be enough.

The 'child' in question is 25, she cannot be 'raised' any further. She is an adult who makes her own decisions. She cannot be forced to attend the funeral and she cannot be forced to visit her parents.

I’d be hurt in this situation OP but I know that others wouldn’t- it’s different values and priorities not to mention situations.

I couldn’t attend my uncles funeral because I lived abroad during the pandemic. I watched online but I felt terrible not being there. However more recently a second cousin who lived in NYC died and it was great to be able attend online because I couldn’t justify the cost of flying there at 24 hours notice (Jewish funeral).

Thank you for writing this so eloquently, I was trying to write the same and failing miserably.
I personally find no comfort in a funeral and I have no desire to be bullied into attending one just because for some it's the expected norm. Everyone grieves and processes death differently. As @snoken said, a funeral is a comfort for some and traumatising for others. Perhaps your DD falls into the latter category but is unable to articulate this due to your own expectations & visible disappointment in her decision.