To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

[gracendace]

Morning all,
I have 3 DC, my eldest DD is 25, she lives abroad (Europe so not a long flight). My wonderful BIL passed away very suddenly recently, his funeral is on Friday. My sister and her husband were very close to my children when they were small, looked after them often, lots of sleepovers with cousins etc. My other 2 children are devastated and have spent a lot of time with their cousins since, just providing some support.
I called DD this morning to see if she was coming, so we could arrange transport for everyone, and she said she couldn't make it. She works freelance and makes a lot of money posting on social media so there is no work reason she couldn't come. She isn't coming home for Christmas either as she is going to her dad's (he lives in a different European country).
I feel really sad that she isn't coming, I appreciate funerals aren't for everyone and some people grieve differently, but even if it were a case of not wanting to go to the funeral, I'd have thought she would want to visit, to be there for her cousins, aunt and family in general?
Really it's a whole different issue but I feel as though DD moved abroad, started making money on social media and met her current boyfriend, she has become a totally different girl. She is just more selfish and less aware of her family in general.

AIBU expecting her to at least visit and ideally attend the funeral? It's made me so sad and I feel as though she just doesn't care for her family anymore.

I'd love to live in MN-world.

It must be really nice to be able to afford last-minute flights to Europe at a moments' notice, to be able to take days off work without worrying about the financial impact.

Meanwhile, in reality, most people can't do that. They have commitments, work, animals and other things that they can't just drop at a moments' notice.

This is batshit

She is running a business, in a different country, she likely cannot just ditch everything, especially before Christmas.

Oh god I wouldn't fly abroad for any in law I've ever had, especially not one I'd not spent much time with since childhood. Mum and dad are the only funerals I feel obliged to go to and I'd give them a miss if I could. I definitely won't be having a funeral myself, I just find them miserable, pointless and a waste of money.

She's got her own life now OP and as an adult she can make her own decisions. It makes much more sense for your younger 2 to go as they are still around and get on well with the cousins.

It’s unfair to compare her to her siblings as she is further away and it’s more difficult for her to attend. Not attending the funeral doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her uncles death .
Unless she has form for not celebrating holidays with you I can’t see why going to her dads would be an issue.

When my dad died only one of my cousins who lives outside of Ireland flew over for the funeral. In fairness some of them live in Australia and Dubai and also in Ireland funerals happen only a few days after the death so it can be tricky logistically.

If you’re not going to do this for a funeral (it’s a close funeral) then what exactly are you going to do it for? Nothing. Ergo selfish.

You don’t fly out just for the dead person, you fly out to support your nearest and dearest. I hope you’re prepared to be reciprocated when it’s your turn.

It’s not uncommon for people in their 20s to go through a selfish phase as they focus on their own identity, starting to build their own life and career and breaking away from the family unit to be fully independent.

Yep, horrendously selfish to have to work to pay my bills and mortgage 👍

It’s not batshit. It’s batshit that you people don’t consider funerals important, weddings, graduation nor birthdays. It’s the same old rubbish on mumsnet, those who live extremely self centred and lonely lives crawl out to make the rest who have healthy family values feel like they're alien. She’s not running a country is she? It’s a social media account which can be ran from anywhere. Taking a day or two out to pay your respects and support your loved ones is literally the least you can do. It’s a testament to her poor character unfortunately.

You can't force her to come. By all means ask and say it would mean a lot to you. But she's an adult living far away and even if she did really care for him it could just be a lot to ask logistically. Or emotionally.

Everyone deals with death on their own way. I'm sorry for your loss. X

😂

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

I agree - attending family funerals (unless completely impossible) is expected. We’re becoming an increasingly disconnected society; prioritising our own feelings over a sense of responsibility and care for our loved ones isn’t actually good for us, individually or collectively. People seem to increasingly think funerals are only for the grieving of the attendee, or for closure, but they have always been a way of showing respect - to the deceased and to the immediate family of the deceased. I would be very disappointed in my children if they did not attend a funeral for a family member, even one who they have somewhat lost contact with since childhood. As a young adult, I went to funerals for great aunts and uncles that I only usually saw once a year and it did me no harm at all, in fact it was good - these are the times families come together and reconnect. They build a sense of continuity between the generations and there is plenty of research that shows that people in societies that have stronger kinship ties are happier.

If taking out a few days to attend a funeral results in a repossession of your home then you best look into a different career because one can have other unexpected life events.

In the real world people can take time off work for funerals … you’re the one with the extreme, dire circumstances that wouldn’t allow a day off because you’d risk being homeless.

That's not what I said, is it?

Most people can't afford to drop £500 without warning to attend a funeral. I would lose several days pay (self-employed), have to pay for flights and also find money for last-minute animal care on top. That's a lot to ask of someone.

I know MN is quick to yell "selfish" at anyone who doesn't behave the way they do, but maybe you need to check your privilege if you think everyone can do that with only a few days notice.

There are threads on here from people who can't even pay for fuel or food, let alone find hundreds of pounds to attend a funeral overseas.

Again, not what I said, you just want a reason to call me selfish because I don't have hundreds of pounds to drop on attending a last-minute funeral 😂

I wouldn't expect my dd's to come to any funeral unless they felt a compelling reason to do so.

We have had several recently but if they are away or busy at uni or unable to attend, that's fine. All the other rellies were relaxed about it too. Attendance does not equal level of bereavement. We all grieve differently.

Ah, but this is MN, where everyone can just drop their lives for several days and sod the consequences. We all have hundreds of pounds sitting in an "emergency funeral fund" to pay for flights, to cover lost earnings and to pay for things like childcare or pet care as well, apparently!

To clarify, she does not have any pets, she makes a hell of a lot of money every month between her freelance work (which can be done from anywhere) and her social media work, easily more than my husband and I combined (both good earners in London).

Like I said I appreciate that she may not want to attend the actual funeral, but in our family at least we do support each other, she is still close to her cousins and while she was hardly sleeping over at their home anymore, they were still interacting daily in the family group chat etc.

You dont see the irony in your miserable judgemental post do you 🤣

She still might not be in a position to just drop everything and fly home for several days though, it's a big ask, especially so close to Christmas.

I think this is the point where you, as her mum, has different expectations about life and family, to her.
It's hard to deal with, but you either accept it, or make it an issue.
She's living her life, making money, making her own decisions - one of which is not to attend the funeral of a family member.
Your post does sound a little bit about how you will be perceived if she isn't there, but really it's nothing to do with anyone else.
Don't let this be the hill you choose to die on, as it may make your daughter less inclined to fly home to visit in the future.

One of the few positives to come out of Covid is that funerals can now routinely be streamed. I’ve been to six funerals in the past year. All were streamed and watched by people, including very close relatives, in Europe , Australia and other parts of the UK. My friend in Scotland really felt it too far to go to a funeral in the south coast and no one thought badly of my son who lives abroad not attending his grandmother’s funeral.

I agree completely @PluckyChancer .
I'd lost both of my parents by the time I was 20.
Plenty relatives around for both funerals.
Not a relative to be seen once that was over and I was at home with 2 younger siblings who were still at school.
Next funeral I attend will be my own.