My child is domestically abusing me

[FedUpForChristmas]

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good.

We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been.

He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc.

He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it.

He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off.

Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back)

The cycle is the same.

The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house.

He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days)

The tension builds up again

Rinse and repeat.

I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it.

He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history.

Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

OP, I see that the Gretton School, which I mentioned in an earlier post, has an Open Afternoon for parents on January 21st 2026. If the school were suitable, would it be possible for you to go? I'd like to think that it would be of some comfort to you to visit somewhere which might help. I'm not sure which part of the UK you are in, though.

www.grettonschool.com/open-afternoon-information

It's a massive spectrum educate yourself.

Respectfully, do you not think autistic kids acting out of line shouldn't be dealt with? Isn't the entire point of the provisioning of SEN to deal with the behaviour of troubled children? You know, to help them to make sense of the world around them in spite of their limitations and challenges? To use a child's disability as a means to promote some sort of victim mentality is highly damaging and grossly unfair to the child.

Again its a massive spectrum
I'm not saying the behaviour shouldn't be dealt with but not all children have the capacity to understand their actions
My son is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities, at 15 he has the cognitive ability of a toddler, so he has no idea how is actions impact others
Some posters fail to understand just how big the spectrum is
Also even academically able people with autism can be very complex .

Out of the house as in what used to be known as a 'timeout'. It was a naughty step. It was in the house, usually, but there was no hard and fast rule to say it should remain indoors.

I dont think that poster meant time out as they also thought it was appropriate to physically assault an 8.year old.

Agreed
it sounds enormously upsetting
some further personal
therapy for you might also be helpful

Methylphenidate does go up and down with a bang. I used to take 10mg 3 times a day and it was like a yo yo.

Concerta XL is the slow release, I do 36mg when I get up and 18 at 10am. Much much more balanced.

Also agree with those who've suggested a medication review as mood changes and aggression are recognised side effect of his prescription.

And the OP has clearly said her son has capacity. He's doing well academically.

Typical NT response to a ND child’s behaviour.

Why do you think any of that would do any good

sounds like you both need to learn how to self regulate. I have adhd and it’s taken me a while to learn how to do it.

hopefulky you can figure out how to do it together. Have you been on the nhs adhd course, was really interesting.

Also I find medication if too high can over stimulate me, wonder if they changed dosage to quickly x

After I wrote this post.

He sounds like my BIL. He's 42 and still lives with parents who are well into their 70s. He has the mental capacity of someone half his age and the difficulties he presents have totally ruined his parents' retirement. He wasn't diagnosed until very late and went on to refuse all forms of help from the state. He might have benefited from SEN provisioning had it existed back in the 1980/90s.

Example:

A tube of Smarties. You show Bob. You ask him: "What's inside it?" Bob says: "Smarties." You open it and show there's a pencil in there. You then put the lid back on and say to Bob if he were to ask Alice what's inside the tube, what would she say? Bob will say "Alice will say a pencil." But because Bob can't understand that Alice doesn't have the same information that he has, this is highly confusing to Bob.

This, I believe is rather low-functioning autism.

My DH has long suspected that he's autistic, as in "I may not be on the spectrum, but I can see it from here." He is sometimes guilty of the Smarties analogy. The whole "How you are not understanding this?", it's a reason why he gets so stressed and frustrated at work sometimes. He hasn't officially been diagnosed, because why bother? Having something confirmed isn't going to change his life in any meaningful way. it's not going to make anything easier for him.

100% this.

No one has a child prepared to be beaten daily. Yes, children can be born with a wide range of mild to severe needs, no one expects to have a child with OPs sons behavioural issues; it’s probably 1:10000 families who have to experience that.

People can and do put their children in foster homes. Like I said, it’s not ideal and the parents would likely carry a lot of guilt. But equally there are other children and adults in the household who deserve to live a life without fear and restriction.

It is difficult to accept that this child can live in an ordinary family home and fit in acceptably. He has a very short fuse and reacts dramatically and violently and indiscriminately. His Parents and his Grandmother have been hurt by him, he is only 8 yoa. What happens when he is older, bigger, and stronger?
Siblings are mentioned, I have not read the entire thread but have read the OP's replies.
There have been some useless replies from women who have no personal experience of living with an adult who attacks his or her parents. It really is shocking. My sister had been managed at home for years until suddenly she changed.
She was taken to a special unit and assessed for fostering with trained adults that were younger than our parents. Found not to be suitable.
For me the way the other children of the family live is so very important, I think they should be the priority.

Why are some posters on mumsnet obsessed with sending disabled children away from home ?
The vast majority of families do not send their children away from home ,it should be the very last resort not the first suggestion.

He's 8 though not an adult .

The same reason people are calling this child a domestic abuse perpetrator and saying he should be physically assaulted. Ableism and prejudice.

I assume because it’s blindingly obvious that they cannot cope with the child, and that they have other children to consider as well. And a grandparent as well (can’t tell if granny lives with the OP or not). And it doesn’t come across as being the first suggestion once you’ve read the OP’s posts.

The vast majority of families don’t have a family member living in the home beating the shit out of people.

Yes removing a child shouldn’t be the first port of call but there are two other innocent children here. A women a man and a granny all being beaten up. The child is medicated goes to Sen school who deem him mentally intelligent enough that they think he should to go to a mainstream secondary school.

Ops said these outbursts that are violent towards others are not the uncontrollable meltdowns as his meltdowns are him being violent towards himself.

His siblings deserve a calm non violent home a safe home. If that cannot be given then yes really he should be removed for their safety,
once all normal avenues are explored.

If he thought he could be arrested do you really think he'd be so quick to lash out just because someone laughed?

Yes. Stop assuming someone with ADHD has the capacity to think like a nt

I meant the vast majority of families with disabled children dont send their disabled children away
And whilst you are so concerned about his siblings how do yoy imagine they will feel having their brother removed
Where do you think he should be removed to?