Page 8 | My child is domestically abusing me

FedUpForChristmas · 2025-12-13T11:53:22+00:00

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good. We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been. He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc. He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it. He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off. Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back) The cycle is the same. The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house. He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days) The tension builds up again Rinse and repeat. I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it. He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history. Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 15:21

Brokentramulator · 13/12/2025 15:17

One of my kids friends was sent to boarding school to keep her safe from her sibling, as her sibling found her presence triggering and was violent from a very early age. I can't imagine how that affected that young woman - she hated boarding school but she wasn't safe at home.

Thats awful, poor girl. Am assuming it’s affected the relationship with her parents?
how could a child understand that reasoning, “Your sibling is aggressive and violent to you, so they can stay at home and you can’t”?!

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 13/12/2025 15:23

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 13/12/2025 15:06

Safe restraint training for a start. They won't offer it because even done safely it can be dangerous, but surely being trained is better than just leaving us to muddle through and hope for the best! Plus proper advice on what to do - we were told to call the police, police told us not to, that we should be able to manage and should do 'whatever it takes'. Social services disagreed with that last part.

I might get slated for this, but better access to medication. DS has always had sleeping problems, the fight to get melatonin was ridiculous, but getting it made a huge difference for DS and us.

More resources so waiting lists are shorter. We were incredibly lucky that DS only waited a year for assessment, and that was down to our ALNCo being amazing. CAMHS has been useless - and I know they're struggling, I've worked in the mental health voluntary sector for years - but you have to fight to get an appointment for your anxious, suicidal, self harming child and then they say there's nothing they can do. Not good enough frankly.

More school places/small units for children with additional needs who are academically able. There was one option, they have 8 places, we were lucky DS got a place. How many children didn't? Plus everything that had to be tried before that could even be considered made things worse for DS, as we had to try and get him to attend his school when he couldn't even cope with the other children seeing him.

More groups like the one DS attended, and ideally being able to attend them longer if needed as it was very time limited.

And kind of connected to the last one - some consistency in professionals involved. We've had so many people involved that DS has liked and developed trust for. Then they disappear. He's now struggling to trust any adults at all.

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So in view of where those things fell short and the situation you found yourself in did you ever feel removal from the family home was appropriate or something you would take considered? Xx

SunnySideDeepDown · 13/12/2025 15:36

FedUpForChristmas · 13/12/2025 12:56

I forgot to add RE triggers:

Everything triggers him. We've identified dozens and dozens and of course do what we can to eliminate and and manage them, but not every one can be.

For example this morning. My 4yo and 7yo began fussing over which one of them could play with the toy they both wanted to use and within seconds it has triggered him and he's off - screaming, banging, attacking.

Other triggers:

Having the TV on any channel other than ITV. I gave up watching TV 18 months ago. He's the only one who watches it because everyone else is sick of ITV.

Any of us laughing or singing. Simply not allowed.

The doorstop being moved accidentally when any of us enter or exit the living room.

Our other DC bickering or playing too loudly / laughing.

Anybody touching anything he deems as his (even when it isn't)

Me and DH discussing things, from politics to the weekly shop, we get shouted at and told to shut up and stop talking.

Not being able to rewind the television when he goes to the toilet. We've never been able to do that.

Youngest DS gulping a drink - sends him biserk.

The neighbours flushing their toilet.

The other DC needing to be told off. Simply addressing them firmly IE "DD do not do that" results in him screaming at us to shut up and is usually a precursor to us getting whacked so now if we need to address behavior with the others we have to take them to another room. A few weeks ago I caught our 4yo putting a charging cable in his mouth (that was plugged in) and instinctively shouted "DS NO!" and got battered by 8yo DS for that.

Me being on the phone talking

Dogs walking past him in the street

Us saying no to buying his endless (daily) demands for new toys

There is just too many and too random to be able to manage them all.

Also, and I'll probably be shot down for saying this, sometimes it's not even a meltdown it's just bad behaviour.

For example demanding things then hitting when we don't comply, shouting at siblings for playing etc.

Meltdowns, when they happen, usually involve him trying to hurt himself (scratching, biting etc) and those are very different to what we deal with on a daily basis.

That sounds miserable for you, DH and siblings. That can’t go on - can he increase his medication?

Whilst I know you love him, the rest of you deserve a happy life too. Can he go into foster care for a while if they don’t provide respite? It’s FAR from ideal but how can people be expected to live like that? Your other children deserve to be able to laugh, be guided, have normal squabbles.

Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Iloveleaveinconditioner · 13/12/2025 15:37

FedUpForChristmas · 13/12/2025 12:56

I forgot to add RE triggers:

Everything triggers him. We've identified dozens and dozens and of course do what we can to eliminate and and manage them, but not every one can be.

For example this morning. My 4yo and 7yo began fussing over which one of them could play with the toy they both wanted to use and within seconds it has triggered him and he's off - screaming, banging, attacking.

Other triggers:

Having the TV on any channel other than ITV. I gave up watching TV 18 months ago. He's the only one who watches it because everyone else is sick of ITV.

Any of us laughing or singing. Simply not allowed.

The doorstop being moved accidentally when any of us enter or exit the living room.

Our other DC bickering or playing too loudly / laughing.

Anybody touching anything he deems as his (even when it isn't)

Me and DH discussing things, from politics to the weekly shop, we get shouted at and told to shut up and stop talking.

Not being able to rewind the television when he goes to the toilet. We've never been able to do that.

Youngest DS gulping a drink - sends him biserk.

The neighbours flushing their toilet.

The other DC needing to be told off. Simply addressing them firmly IE "DD do not do that" results in him screaming at us to shut up and is usually a precursor to us getting whacked so now if we need to address behavior with the others we have to take them to another room. A few weeks ago I caught our 4yo putting a charging cable in his mouth (that was plugged in) and instinctively shouted "DS NO!" and got battered by 8yo DS for that.

Me being on the phone talking

Dogs walking past him in the street

Us saying no to buying his endless (daily) demands for new toys

There is just too many and too random to be able to manage them all.

Also, and I'll probably be shot down for saying this, sometimes it's not even a meltdown it's just bad behaviour.

For example demanding things then hitting when we don't comply, shouting at siblings for playing etc.

Meltdowns, when they happen, usually involve him trying to hurt himself (scratching, biting etc) and those are very different to what we deal with on a daily basis.

Good grief, this is horrendous. So basically you’re all prisoners in your own home, unable to laugh, move or watch tv?!

This is no life whatsoever for your poor other 2 children. I would be pushing to have him either removed from the home, paying privately for a residential place if I had to, or taking him to the GP and asking them to review his meds, it sounds like he needs to spend most of the day tranquillised!! He certainly wouldn’t be coming out with me for lunch after ripping my hair out and kicking the shit out of me for an hour, sorry, but no.

Does physical (and I mean REALLY physical) exercise help him at all? Like him running 10 miles cross country sort of thing, he’d be absolutely knackered after that surely and that, combined with meds would maybe help to reduce the outbursts? Maybe he needs a physical channel for this pent up frustration?

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 15:50

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 13/12/2025 14:46

The police aren't social workers and this isn't domestic abuse. Unless he starts threatening you with SA or sharp objects, I'd keep the police out of this. My autistic BIL (very, very low functioning) threatened to rape his mum one time. MIL didn't call the police on him, it would have escalated to proportions totally unjustified, but FIL put him in his place quickly.

When parenting needs state intervention, we as a nation have lost the plot.

Gosh this is such an inappropriate post.

Did you read any other posts before posting?

I don’t know what it is today but empathy is sure on short supply in some directions. The judgement and criticism oozing off this at the end of the post is really unfair.

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 15:50

ColourThief · 13/12/2025 13:58

Then you need to do better when it comes to offering advice, because quite honestly what you’ve suggested is terrible.

If you really have two ND children (doubtful going by your “advice”) then you know that sort of “reasoning” that you’ve suggested will not work when a child is deregulated and about to hit meltdown.

Its actually insulting to those of us with ND children (btw, I have 6) to suggest it’s that easy to fix.

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I'm not suggesting it's "easy to fix" but the op is clearly at breaking point meaning something drastic needs to happen. She's already stated he's not in meltdown when he's attacking them.

People in general (NT and ND) need to have some healthy fear of consequences, that's the entire point of the criminal justice system, we'd have a very violent and lawless society if there was no consequences to fear. Currently all the child is getting in way of consequence is apologising and then carrying on with his day. If he thought he could be arrested do you really think he'd be so quick to lash out just because someone laughed? I highly doubt it.

It may be harder for ND people to learn these lessons but it isn't impossible, what an insult to ND people to imply that. And it's much easier to break the pattern of behaviour when they're 8 or 10 than a fully grown adult who's never had any proper consequence.

x2boys · 13/12/2025 15:54

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 15:50

I'm not suggesting it's "easy to fix" but the op is clearly at breaking point meaning something drastic needs to happen. She's already stated he's not in meltdown when he's attacking them.

People in general (NT and ND) need to have some healthy fear of consequences, that's the entire point of the criminal justice system, we'd have a very violent and lawless society if there was no consequences to fear. Currently all the child is getting in way of consequence is apologising and then carrying on with his day. If he thought he could be arrested do you really think he'd be so quick to lash out just because someone laughed? I highly doubt it.

It may be harder for ND people to learn these lessons but it isn't impossible, what an insult to ND people to imply that. And it's much easier to break the pattern of behaviour when they're 8 or 10 than a fully grown adult who's never had any proper consequence.

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It's a huge spectrum as you should be aware your suggestions also very much depend on the child having the capacity to understand their actions.

Celestialmoods · 13/12/2025 15:54

Does physical (and I mean REALLY physical) exercise help him at all? Like him running 10 miles cross country sort of thing, he’d be absolutely knackered after that surely and that, combined with meds would maybe help to reduce the outbursts? Maybe he needs a physical channel for this pent up frustration?

I don’t mean to sound like I’m picking on this comment because once I’d have thought the same, but I have learned that while advice like this can be really helpful for some children, it is much more complicated for others. The medication can cause children to lose weight, which combined with a poor diet because the same disability causes sensory issues with food, mean that even when children need the exercise for emotional regulation, it can be detrimental to their physical health. Sometimes exercise helps but the comedown afterwards is a trigger that is difficult to cope with and finding the right balance is almost impossible. The right kind of exercise might exist, but how many people have access to a swimming pool for three hours a day, or an outdoor gym, or a safe place to run round in big circles for hours? The barriers for some children are endless.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 15:55

SunnySideDeepDown · 13/12/2025 15:36

That sounds miserable for you, DH and siblings. That can’t go on - can he increase his medication?

Whilst I know you love him, the rest of you deserve a happy life too. Can he go into foster care for a while if they don’t provide respite? It’s FAR from ideal but how can people be expected to live like that? Your other children deserve to be able to laugh, be guided, have normal squabbles.

Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

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You can't just put your child in foster care.

When we make the decision to have children we take on the risk that the child will have a disability or a condition that means they require care far over and above most children. It's not acceptable to say 'oh it's too much for me' and hand over responsibility for raising your child to the state. Of course OP is in a horribly difficult situation but she and her husband are the parents to this child and it's their responsibility to care for him. They need help of course but that doesn't mean that caring for him is anyone else's responsibility

x2boys · 13/12/2025 15:56

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 15:50

I'm not suggesting it's "easy to fix" but the op is clearly at breaking point meaning something drastic needs to happen. She's already stated he's not in meltdown when he's attacking them.

People in general (NT and ND) need to have some healthy fear of consequences, that's the entire point of the criminal justice system, we'd have a very violent and lawless society if there was no consequences to fear. Currently all the child is getting in way of consequence is apologising and then carrying on with his day. If he thought he could be arrested do you really think he'd be so quick to lash out just because someone laughed? I highly doubt it.

It may be harder for ND people to learn these lessons but it isn't impossible, what an insult to ND people to imply that. And it's much easier to break the pattern of behaviour when they're 8 or 10 than a fully grown adult who's never had any proper consequence.

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And it csn be impossible for some children who are.ND to learn " these lessons"

HillBetty · 13/12/2025 15:58

@FedUpForChristmas you need to find out from your local council offer what drop ins or self referrals you can go to / do to get on a NVR course.

Sometimes called early help

Best of luck

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:00

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 15:55

You can't just put your child in foster care.

When we make the decision to have children we take on the risk that the child will have a disability or a condition that means they require care far over and above most children. It's not acceptable to say 'oh it's too much for me' and hand over responsibility for raising your child to the state. Of course OP is in a horribly difficult situation but she and her husband are the parents to this child and it's their responsibility to care for him. They need help of course but that doesn't mean that caring for him is anyone else's responsibility

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They also have a responsibility to their other children. I know some posters say “well they need to remember their sibling has SEN, so even though, they can’t speak, play, eat, drink, move, breathe at home or they’ll be assaulted, they need to be kind’ however they have a right to be protected and have quality of life as well.

Celestialmoods · 13/12/2025 16:04

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 15:50

I'm not suggesting it's "easy to fix" but the op is clearly at breaking point meaning something drastic needs to happen. She's already stated he's not in meltdown when he's attacking them.

People in general (NT and ND) need to have some healthy fear of consequences, that's the entire point of the criminal justice system, we'd have a very violent and lawless society if there was no consequences to fear. Currently all the child is getting in way of consequence is apologising and then carrying on with his day. If he thought he could be arrested do you really think he'd be so quick to lash out just because someone laughed? I highly doubt it.

It may be harder for ND people to learn these lessons but it isn't impossible, what an insult to ND people to imply that. And it's much easier to break the pattern of behaviour when they're 8 or 10 than a fully grown adult who's never had any proper consequence.

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You realise that many ND people also have learning disabilities that can make the threat of consequences meaningless.

I agree that many people with ND don’t deserve to be insulted by the assumption that they are incapable, but at the same time we need to accept that standard boundaries just aren’t going to work with some children. What do you do when children don’t feel fear of consequences?

Smurphy99 · 13/12/2025 16:04

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x2boys · 13/12/2025 16:05

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:00

They also have a responsibility to their other children. I know some posters say “well they need to remember their sibling has SEN, so even though, they can’t speak, play, eat, drink, move, breathe at home or they’ll be assaulted, they need to be kind’ however they have a right to be protected and have quality of life as well.

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You still can't just send a child away
And regarding siblings ,often they love their disabled sibling and don't want them to be sent away.

x2boys · 13/12/2025 16:07

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Then you would be arrested and charged with assaulting a child
You can't just kick an 8 year old out of the house if you think you can please dont have children.
And also whilst Autism isn't an excuse often its a reason.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 16:09

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:00

They also have a responsibility to their other children. I know some posters say “well they need to remember their sibling has SEN, so even though, they can’t speak, play, eat, drink, move, breathe at home or they’ll be assaulted, they need to be kind’ however they have a right to be protected and have quality of life as well.

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The children have two parents. If the children need to be separated then the parents need to facilitate that by caring for them in different households if necessary. They still don't get to hand their child over to the state to care for.

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:09

x2boys · 13/12/2025 16:05

You still can't just send a child away
And regarding siblings ,often they love their disabled sibling and don't want them to be sent away.

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There’s a poster upthread who mentioned the sister of the violent child being sent away to board, because her sibling was violent to her.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 16:10

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And you'd be arrested for child abuse and neglect. Good luck with that.

Original poster

FedUpForChristmas · 13/12/2025 16:11

I'm just catching up with replies on the train so can't write too much but will reply to more questions when home. I haven't brought DS with me BTW.

He's currently on 20mg of meflynate XL, day 4 of this dose having upped from 10mg.

Regarding his level of understanding, he's verbal and academically able. He's in a school specifically for children with autism at the moment but his teacher thinks he should transition to mainstream for secondary as he's capable.

We've never doubted his academic ability and potential (he's intelligent and has lots of qualities that would help him to succeed in paid employment) but his challenging behaviour is off the charts.

He has a 1-1 in school and they like to operate as a 2-1 if ever hes outside of the building, such is how unpredictable he is. I don't think a mainstream school would be able to handle him anytime soon.

So hes very complex, a spiky profile.

OP posts:

x2boys · 13/12/2025 16:12

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:09

There’s a poster upthread who mentioned the sister of the violent child being sent away to board, because her sibling was violent to her.

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And ??
They sent the non disabled child to boarding school
Which isn't an option for most families.

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:13

But you said “you still can’t send a child away”? These parents did, but it was the child who’s getting assaulted.

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 16:14

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:13

But you said “you still can’t send a child away”? These parents did, but it was the child who’s getting assaulted.

If you're talking to me I said you can't hand your child over to the state to raise. That's not the same as paying for your child to go to boarding school, which is a) funded by the parents and b) something perfectly common albeit not widespread unlike putting a child in foster care

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 13/12/2025 16:16

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 15:50

Gosh this is such an inappropriate post.

Did you read any other posts before posting?

I don’t know what it is today but empathy is sure on short supply in some directions. The judgement and criticism oozing off this at the end of the post is really unfair.

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Yes, otherwise I wouldn't post. There is a former police officer round where my PILs live who's just retired from the force, within the last few weeks. His last call out was to a family who'd had a crisis payment for a huge 52" TV. A crisis payment that should go onto something like heating or water, but no, they squandered taxpayer money on a bloody television, because apparently lack of a rotbox is detrimental to living standards these days.

The OP is about an 8 year old with major communication issues and a very short fuse, there's a gap in the parenting somewhere and people want the police involved? To parent someone's 8 year old child? Really? Is this what all parents do when they lose control of their kids? I reiterate; the police are not social workers, they enforce and uphold the law.

Where is common sense? It appears to have buggered off along with it's friends logic and reason for a very long holiday somewhere.

Smurphy99 · 13/12/2025 16:18

They sent another child away ? That poor kid will never speak to you when they grow up, and rightly so. I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of people using “autism” as an excuse for their poorly disciplined children to get away with whatever the hell they like. It’s absolutely unacceptable behaviour and needs consequences.