Page 7 | My child is domestically abusing me

FedUpForChristmas · 2025-12-13T11:53:22+00:00

My DC has autism and ADHD. He's 8. Lately there have been more bad days than good. We recently started medication for the ADHD, then increased the dose. I do see a benefit when it's at its peak but the before and after taking is still sheer hell like it always has been. He has every bit of support he needs. SEN school, EHCP, therapies etc. He battered me this morning, all because he got triggered by his siblings quarrelling. I exited the bathroom to him charging at me and pummelling me. When I turned away to shield myself he grabbed and was dragging me by the hair. Chaos ensues for the next hour. Me, DH and my 70yo mother all got it. He's calm now because his medication has kicked in and he's expecting to join me going out for dinner with my brother and SIL. How am I supposed to relax and enjoy myself when I'm still treading on eggshells from this morning, anxiously waiting for the next thing to set him off. Sadly, and I hate to say it, I'm being reminded of a previous partner who abused me (not DC's father, this was years back) The cycle is the same. The tension builds up, he explodes and kicks the crap out of me (or his dad), smashes things in the house. He apologies and behaves for a few hours (or more rarely, days) The tension builds up again Rinse and repeat. I said to DH that if this continues at the age of criminal responsibility i will be calling the police and having him arrested, and I mean it. He thinks I'm being unfair and potentially projecting due to the history. Am I being unreasonable to view it this way? Because it certainly feels like it 😔

Apocketfilledwithposies · 13/12/2025 14:07

To add about his siblings swallowing a drink. I can hear my eldest swallow a drink from two rooms away and it does provoke a strong reaction in me. But I don't show it. It's not reasonable to expect people to stop existing (eg swallowing a drink) in their own home.

There are certain things he needs to find ways to cope with and control his reaction too. Yes it may be a gradual work in progress but he needs to start to get a handle on it, because as you say before long he will hit the age of criminal responsibility and you can go round being physically aggressive to people when they trigger you.

Fluffytoebeanz · 13/12/2025 14:10

My DD had a strong reaction to her ADHD meds when they wore off. It's called rebound. We found that that medication isn't right for her so she has two different ones. Your son may need a top in the afternoon so you need to talk to whoever prescribes it

canklesmctacotits · 13/12/2025 14:10

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 13/12/2025 13:19

I am an autistic adult a lot of what you've mentioned are actually triggers for me too. I'll try and explain them, although I don't know if it will be helpful.

Any of us laughing or singing. Simply not allowed.
When multiple people are singing or singing along to a song, the multiple noises overlapping are too overstimulating, it is too much for my brain to process at once. When people sing songs with no music, it is not the same as the original song, it is different. Especially if it is out of tune because I have a very keen ear for notes, and it is never the same twice when they sing, it is too different and because of the rigid way in which my brain works it is too unpredictable when people sing.
The doorstop being moved accidentally when any of us enter or exit the living room.
Not a personal trigger for me, but easy to see that a change in environment can be triggering.
Our other DC bickering or playing too loudly / laughing.
Again, multiple noises overlapping, unpredictable.
Youngest DS gulping a drink - sends him biserk.
Misophonia. If you don't experience misophonia you can't possibly understand the pain you feel when someone makes a noise you can't cope with. It is real, intense, neurological pain. In our house we use straws in drinks to reduce this.
The other DC needing to be told off. Simply addressing them firmly IE "DD do not do that" results in him screaming at us to shut up and is usually a precursor to us getting whacked so now if we need to address behavior with the others we have to take them to another room. A few weeks ago I caught our 4yo putting a charging cable in his mouth (that was plugged in) and instinctively shouted "DS NO!" and got battered by 8yo DS for that.
Not one of my triggers but it sounds like rejection sensitive dysphoria. The perceived rejection or perceived criticism even if it is not aimed at him causing a fight or flight response. Not to mention shouting being a noise trigger.
Me being on the phone talking
Unpredictability. Phone calls disrupt the day, you never know when they're going to happen or what they're about. It creates emotional unsafety.
Dogs walking past him in the street
Unpredictability again, no 2 dogs behave the same.
Us saying no to buying his endless (daily) demands for new toys
RSD again and an inability to delay gratification. When you have ADHD your brain works in 2 times, now and not now. When things are not now, it feels like you're being eternally deprived.

Of course autistic children are capable of bad behaviour too but I just wanted to offer some reasoning behind his triggers.

I know it is area dependent but a lot of post diagnostic support covers this, usually offered by occupational therapy or community pediatrics depending on the region.

He's 8, he has no power to make the things causing him pain stop. His only option left is to fight. It sounds like his entire life is chaotic but to everybody else it's normal day to day life, and it must feel like pure torture to be him, and yet as the one with the disability, he will be expected to adapt and overcome which is just not possible for everybody with autism.

It might seem unfair to ask everybody not to sing or to use straws or to stand away from him when eating and drinking, but these are small accommodations that might make a world of difference to him.

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This is SUCH a helpful post. We don’t hear enough what it’s like from the child’s perspective, mainly because they’re children and don’t have the vocabulary or maturity to articulate their feelings and thoughts. Whenever I do hear an adult perspective I marvel at how these adults have made it through to adulthood, what mental gymnastics they must have to perform to see their world from a NT perspective and how generous they are to share their thoughts with other people.

My only experience of any of this OP is a close friendship with a mum whose also 8yo son has ADHD and PDA (not autism). She’s been lunched in the eye, had her hair ripped out of her skull, been strangled by her hoodie, regularly pummeled. It took half a dozen different combination of drugs and dosages to get things under control. But then of course the boy grows (weighs more, dosage not enough), his brain undergoes changes (same drug stops working so well), dosages need to be timed to kick in when school starts so he behaves at school but this means they start to wear off around bedtime which is bad at the best of times, child will pick up a bug and need other incompatible medication etc. Frankly it’s a fucking nightmare. I don’t know how parents deal with this (apparently the cortisol levels of parents dealing with this sort of child are comparable with combat soldiers at the front line, when children are home for the holidays).

Possibly not much help but I wanted to say I think parents like you are amazing, and posters like @Jimmyneutronsforeheadare extremely kind for sharing their thoughts in this way.

Whattothinkaboutit · 13/12/2025 14:10

FedUpForChristmas · 13/12/2025 12:56

I forgot to add RE triggers:

Everything triggers him. We've identified dozens and dozens and of course do what we can to eliminate and and manage them, but not every one can be.

For example this morning. My 4yo and 7yo began fussing over which one of them could play with the toy they both wanted to use and within seconds it has triggered him and he's off - screaming, banging, attacking.

Other triggers:

Having the TV on any channel other than ITV. I gave up watching TV 18 months ago. He's the only one who watches it because everyone else is sick of ITV.

Any of us laughing or singing. Simply not allowed.

The doorstop being moved accidentally when any of us enter or exit the living room.

Our other DC bickering or playing too loudly / laughing.

Anybody touching anything he deems as his (even when it isn't)

Me and DH discussing things, from politics to the weekly shop, we get shouted at and told to shut up and stop talking.

Not being able to rewind the television when he goes to the toilet. We've never been able to do that.

Youngest DS gulping a drink - sends him biserk.

The neighbours flushing their toilet.

The other DC needing to be told off. Simply addressing them firmly IE "DD do not do that" results in him screaming at us to shut up and is usually a precursor to us getting whacked so now if we need to address behavior with the others we have to take them to another room. A few weeks ago I caught our 4yo putting a charging cable in his mouth (that was plugged in) and instinctively shouted "DS NO!" and got battered by 8yo DS for that.

Me being on the phone talking

Dogs walking past him in the street

Us saying no to buying his endless (daily) demands for new toys

There is just too many and too random to be able to manage them all.

Also, and I'll probably be shot down for saying this, sometimes it's not even a meltdown it's just bad behaviour.

For example demanding things then hitting when we don't comply, shouting at siblings for playing etc.

Meltdowns, when they happen, usually involve him trying to hurt himself (scratching, biting etc) and those are very different to what we deal with on a daily basis.

Hiya OP, you're right, of course it feels like abuse. Even if you hadn't been abused before, no-on would cope long term with being attacked all the time in their own home.

The only thing which helps with my DD is acu seeds, which are like acupuncture seeds you place on different nerve endings on the outside of the ear for different reasons. They really helped regulate her nervous system and broke her out of that fight or flight feeling where every little thing was triggering her. I used them intermittently for a few weeks (not every day because sometimes her PDA wouldn't allow her to sit still and let me put them on), but on days I pushed through and got them on her, she felt the results really soon. I took them off at night as they would fall off in her sleep. The tape loses stick after you take them off, so instead of buying more seeds, which costs about £30 for 20. I just bought some latex free medical tape online and cut little circles out of it. Now she's more calm, I'm just trying to introduce more and more sensory regulation activities like swimming, sound bowl therapy etc etc so that her system stays regulated more often.

SpaceRaccoon · 13/12/2025 14:14

Horserider5678 · 13/12/2025 13:44

It actually sounds like you dislike your child and he’s probably picking up on it! He has autism and your answer is once he reaches the age of criminal responsibility you’ll have him arrested! What will that achieve other than distress him futher. As you really don’t want him speak to disabled children’s services and find a residential placement for him, you’ll absolve yourself of responsibility and he’ll be well cared for!

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She's allowed to dislike having the shit leathered out of her in her own home on a regular basis.

Devuelta81 · 13/12/2025 14:14

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 12:47

If my audhd child started repeatedly beating me up I would absolutely threaten them with the police because that will be an actual reality if they assault someone. Many of these children who beat up their parents or siblings for years during childhood end up in prison for extended periods because it was never properly dealt with in childhood, people pussy foot around them and don't give them the short sharp shock that they actually need. The criminal justice system will not care if they have SEN (unless they lack capacity which it doesn't sound like OP's child does) they will be locked up regardless.

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Agree, that's not about instilling fear, it's about consequences. And as you say, these will be the consequences for SEN kids once they get to a certain age - a mere two years older than the OP's child - if they assault someone, their SEN status won't be taken into account, so how is it helping to pretend otherwise?

A couple of posters on here are speaking from their own opinion as parents of SEN kids, there are other opinions among parents of SEN kids too and it doesn't mean they are 'wrong' as those posters have proclaimed.

Celestialmoods · 13/12/2025 14:18

Horserider5678 · 13/12/2025 13:47

And what will calling the police achieve? He lacks capacity so nothing will happen! OP clearly doesn’t like her son, the best solution would be a residential placement! OP can absolve herself of responsibility which is what wants! I work with disabled children so aware of the challenges these families have.

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Working with disabled children or those with SEN and behavioural needs doesn’t make you an authority on this. I have autistic children of my own and had been working in a special school for years before I saw the real extremes of behavioural dysregulation that OP is describing.

Like many things, until you have experienced it yourself you have no way of understanding or empathising, and you should probably consider yourself fortunate for that.

Accusing a mother who is regularly assaulted by her child of not liking him and wanting to absolve herself of responsibility is not how you support parents of disabled children.

People on this thread have suggested safe restraint which is a good idea but even if carried out perfectly, does not eliminate the risk of being hurt, and does nothing to alleviate the stress of it. It is not an easy thing to do, even when you are three times the size of the child.

Injury is injury, blood is blood. It makes no difference if you can rationally understand that the child can’t help it. The result is the same. Head injury caused by a dysregulated child carries the same symptoms as a head injury caused by anything else. If it were possible for the human mind to be completely rational about everything, things like PTSD wouldn’t exist, but they do.

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 14:23

canklesmctacotits · 13/12/2025 14:10

This is SUCH a helpful post. We don’t hear enough what it’s like from the child’s perspective, mainly because they’re children and don’t have the vocabulary or maturity to articulate their feelings and thoughts. Whenever I do hear an adult perspective I marvel at how these adults have made it through to adulthood, what mental gymnastics they must have to perform to see their world from a NT perspective and how generous they are to share their thoughts with other people.

My only experience of any of this OP is a close friendship with a mum whose also 8yo son has ADHD and PDA (not autism). She’s been lunched in the eye, had her hair ripped out of her skull, been strangled by her hoodie, regularly pummeled. It took half a dozen different combination of drugs and dosages to get things under control. But then of course the boy grows (weighs more, dosage not enough), his brain undergoes changes (same drug stops working so well), dosages need to be timed to kick in when school starts so he behaves at school but this means they start to wear off around bedtime which is bad at the best of times, child will pick up a bug and need other incompatible medication etc. Frankly it’s a fucking nightmare. I don’t know how parents deal with this (apparently the cortisol levels of parents dealing with this sort of child are comparable with combat soldiers at the front line, when children are home for the holidays).

Possibly not much help but I wanted to say I think parents like you are amazing, and posters like @Jimmyneutronsforeheadare extremely kind for sharing their thoughts in this way.

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And what about his siblings point of view?

x2boys · 13/12/2025 14:24

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 12:30

I have two ND children.

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And it's a massive spectrum........

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 13/12/2025 14:28

MsGinaLinetti · 13/12/2025 12:45

domestic abusers can sometimes make positive changes via perpetrator programmes. That wouldn't be appropriate for an 8 year old boy.
the behaviour is distressing and harmful to the OP but it's not domestic abuse

I dont have any advice/experience to offer and i cannot imagine what your life is like.
I just wanted to offer hug and handhold xx
Ps
Ignore all the idiots on here telling you it is not domestic abuse, it so is.

x2boys · 13/12/2025 14:29

FedUpForChristmas · 13/12/2025 12:38

Thank you for the replies, to answer some questions:

He does have a safe space he can retreat to when he's overwhelmed or over stimulated, he just won't stay in it. He has lots of sensory items, a den etc.

We try to give him all of the space we can when he gets like this but sometimes we do need to intervene when it gets dangerous, for example this morning DH had to get him off me, guide him to the sofa and hold his hands whilst trying to calm him down.

Because he fits a PDA profile we keep demands low and parent with PDA in mind.

He does have an EHCP and lots of support.

He is like this with other people, not just us. He's the same at school.

We've been down the road of trying to access respite and we were told that he's too young.

I asked for a referral to Early Help and they suggested a course for me and DH. We did that and it made no difference.

We don't have any involvement with SS currently, despite me contacting them twice before, because we are seen as coping (ha!) and meeting his needs.

I had therapy for my own DV years before I had DS. I do appreciate it's not the same as being abused by a grown man but when you're being attacked regularly in your own home it sure does feel abusive 😕

Well hes not to young for respite but it does depend on what's available in your area ,
In my LA you woukd need to be seen by a disability social worker and be assessed to see if and what they can offer you.

canklesmctacotits · 13/12/2025 14:31

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 14:23

And what about his siblings point of view?

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As it happens, the younger sibling has turned out to be totally off limits for this boy. The older boy (who I was talking about) is hyper protective of his younger brother, even now aged 5yo. The older boy seemingly has extremely high levels of empathy towards his brother…but not either of his parents. That might be the PDA. The older boy is off-the-charts (top end!) in terms of IQ and EQ, my friend describes the ADHD and PDA as blocks to him accessing either of those other than when it comes to his younger brother. At school he amazes his teachers with what he achieves, when he achieves anything.

The parents have decided they will be getting a dog for the older boy, sort of a therapy dog. Partly because the younger brother is aging out of enjoying big brother looking out for him; partly because it seems physical comfort to/from a small living creature seems to have an amazing calming effect on him.

x2boys · 13/12/2025 14:36

GarlicBreadStan · 13/12/2025 12:38

I can't overpower my 7 year old. He's not really violent at all anymore, but there was a point where he was breaking multiple baby gates a year, he once pushed a conservatory sliding door off of its tracks, he's left me bruised and bloody, he's ripped clumps of my mum's hair out multiple times. And literally no one did anything to help us. Not GP's, not early help, not therapists, not social services. Literally no one. He was punching us, kicking us, biting us, nipping us, everything he could do, he did.

It really isn't easy to overpower a child, especially neurodivergent ones. When they're overstimulated and having a violent meltdown, it's like they turn into the Hulk

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Can we stop with the residential school suggestions these appear on these threads all the time yes they, exist but they are a very last resort when all else has failed and everybody agrees its in the best interests of the child ,they also cost sn eye watering amount so LA,s are not going to fund them unless they are absolutely necessary

x2boys · 13/12/2025 14:37

x2boys · 13/12/2025 14:36

Can we stop with the residential school suggestions these appear on these threads all the time yes they, exist but they are a very last resort when all else has failed and everybody agrees its in the best interests of the child ,they also cost sn eye watering amount so LA,s are not going to fund them unless they are absolutely necessary

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Sorry I think i quoted the wrong poster.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 13/12/2025 14:44

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 13/12/2025 11:59

He sounds like a thoroughly dysregulated child.

I think you are being mildly unreasonable. But not totally.

You need to separate the calculated abuse from a man, larger than you from the physical reactions of a child much smaller than you who is struggling with his neurological system.

These are not the same power imbalances, and it's unfair to put both scenarios in the same box, but it is completely fair to not see either as acceptable.

Have you been offered any post diagnostic support or sought any out? Does your child have an EHCP? Do you get DLA?

While I take your point overall and accept that the child is not being deliberately abusive, the effects on the mental health of the person on the recieving end of the violence isn't that different.

DS is autistic, and had spectacularly violent meltdowns at the same age as OP's son, to the point I had multiple trips to A&E, police were called by neighbours, my right arm and shoulder blade was one huge bruise and I started involuntarily flinching everytime DS approached me.

If an adult had been treating me like that I could have reported it to the police and hope they'd be arrested and charged. I could have defended myself as much as I was able. When it's your child nobody will do anything, and if I did use self defence and harm my child I'd be devastated and have the risk of being arrested myself.

We were told we couldn't have restraint training by the way. DH did have to start restraining DS to some extent and it was terrifying tbh, and traumatic in its own way for all of us.

What was a big help was DS attending a group for children with additional needs that did a lot of work on emotional regulation, a change in school and getting older.

DH and I got told to try fucking mindfulness by primary care mental health services. And yes, four years later I'm still bitter about that because it was completely inappropriate in the face of daily violence.

Louisetopaz21 · 13/12/2025 14:44

Crofthead · 13/12/2025 12:12

Of course it is, op was physically harmed in a domestic setting. Just because the person didn’t have capacity it doesn’t mean it is not physical abuse within the home

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Legally it isn't domestic abuse but agree with the previous poster that he is unable to self regulate and therefore is struggling to control himself. Must be so difficult sounds like more support is needed.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 13/12/2025 14:46

The police aren't social workers and this isn't domestic abuse. Unless he starts threatening you with SA or sharp objects, I'd keep the police out of this. My autistic BIL (very, very low functioning) threatened to rape his mum one time. MIL didn't call the police on him, it would have escalated to proportions totally unjustified, but FIL put him in his place quickly.

When parenting needs state intervention, we as a nation have lost the plot.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 13/12/2025 14:47

ShawnaMacallister · 13/12/2025 12:16

This might sound like a solution but it's absolutely horrendous to do to a child. Oddly enough local authorities don't have a ready supply of lovely foster placements and children's homes just waiting for children to be dropped off at.

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No they don’t and most foster carers for this age group don’t take violent children

Also who wants their child restrained by strangers that don’t love them which is what the parents could be taught to do themselves and then it is done with love and the child feels safe.

your DH needs to use his size and strength to protect you while you make a social care referral in order to get supporting the home as well as help via the Child to Parent Violence service around what DH needs to do and how to restrain safely.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 13/12/2025 14:48

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 13/12/2025 14:44

While I take your point overall and accept that the child is not being deliberately abusive, the effects on the mental health of the person on the recieving end of the violence isn't that different.

DS is autistic, and had spectacularly violent meltdowns at the same age as OP's son, to the point I had multiple trips to A&E, police were called by neighbours, my right arm and shoulder blade was one huge bruise and I started involuntarily flinching everytime DS approached me.

If an adult had been treating me like that I could have reported it to the police and hope they'd be arrested and charged. I could have defended myself as much as I was able. When it's your child nobody will do anything, and if I did use self defence and harm my child I'd be devastated and have the risk of being arrested myself.

We were told we couldn't have restraint training by the way. DH did have to start restraining DS to some extent and it was terrifying tbh, and traumatic in its own way for all of us.

What was a big help was DS attending a group for children with additional needs that did a lot of work on emotional regulation, a change in school and getting older.

DH and I got told to try fucking mindfulness by primary care mental health services. And yes, four years later I'm still bitter about that because it was completely inappropriate in the face of daily violence.

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What do you think would have helped/ should have happened? X

Ddakji · 13/12/2025 14:53

Sterlingrose · 13/12/2025 13:18

He's a disabled and struggling little boy. Your focus needs to be on preventing him getting so dysregulated in the first place. Keep a diary of his triggers and meltdowns so you can put strategies in place to avoid this happening. It's a nervous system response. He's not abusing you.

Have you seen the OP’s post where she lists some of his triggers? It’s everything. Everything.

So no one else in the family can live anything approaching a normal life. None of them, including another child.

No, this child doesn’t choose any of this but the entire result is the same - the entire household is held to ransom and can’t pretty much do anything with him pitching the mother of all fits.

x2boys · 13/12/2025 14:58

Ddakji · 13/12/2025 14:53

Have you seen the OP’s post where she lists some of his triggers? It’s everything. Everything.

So no one else in the family can live anything approaching a normal life. None of them, including another child.

No, this child doesn’t choose any of this but the entire result is the same - the entire household is held to ransom and can’t pretty much do anything with him pitching the mother of all fits.

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Unfortunately when you have a disabled child with significant needs it does impact the family hugely
In reality though there is not a lot of help out there
In the first instance I imagine the Pp will be offered parenting courses .

FairKoala · 13/12/2025 15:00

I presume he is still titrating.

I would say he needs stronger meds and extra meds to take during the day as boosters

You can take 70mg of Elvanse and then have 4 dexamphetamine tablets spaced out over the day. On top of that there is things you can get over the counter eg Lions Mane, Saffron, LCarnitine etc

Could you try giving him his first meds immediately in the morning before he has got out of bed.

Whilst you can control ADHD with meds and the ADHD symptoms will go but what then comes through is autism.
People with ADHD can start meds but then find that without the ADHD “mask” they have ASD as well.

I think that this is a young boy whose hormones are out of control on top of that he has a chemical imbalance in his brain. He needs lots and lots of help to come out the other end as a person he and you can be proud of.

Can he have therapy to talk through his triggers which do seem to mostly come under Sounds triggering him. Would he wear noise cancelling headphones to help him. Or even ear plugs

Discuss with him when he has had his meds and they kick in that these might help.

Does he realise that it is noises that mostly trigger him and would he try putting on his headphones to help him even when he isn’t getting triggered

Not too sure about the ownership of things apart from discussing things with him when he has had his meds. and maybe get him a tv for his room if he only wants ITV and persuade him to go to his room when he wants to watch tv

I think that you need training in self defence and how to hold your attacker at arms length and keep them safe.

The problem I think will become that you change your attitude to your little boy and then nothing he does or doesn’t do in the future will have any significance as he will always be stuck in your mind as an attacker
and that is just a self fulfilling prophecy

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 13/12/2025 15:06

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 13/12/2025 14:48

What do you think would have helped/ should have happened? X

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Safe restraint training for a start. They won't offer it because even done safely it can be dangerous, but surely being trained is better than just leaving us to muddle through and hope for the best! Plus proper advice on what to do - we were told to call the police, police told us not to, that we should be able to manage and should do 'whatever it takes'. Social services disagreed with that last part.

I might get slated for this, but better access to medication. DS has always had sleeping problems, the fight to get melatonin was ridiculous, but getting it made a huge difference for DS and us.

More resources so waiting lists are shorter. We were incredibly lucky that DS only waited a year for assessment, and that was down to our ALNCo being amazing. CAMHS has been useless - and I know they're struggling, I've worked in the mental health voluntary sector for years - but you have to fight to get an appointment for your anxious, suicidal, self harming child and then they say there's nothing they can do. Not good enough frankly.

More school places/small units for children with additional needs who are academically able. There was one option, they have 8 places, we were lucky DS got a place. How many children didn't? Plus everything that had to be tried before that could even be considered made things worse for DS, as we had to try and get him to attend his school when he couldn't even cope with the other children seeing him.

More groups like the one DS attended, and ideally being able to attend them longer if needed as it was very time limited.

And kind of connected to the last one - some consistency in professionals involved. We've had so many people involved that DS has liked and developed trust for. Then they disappear. He's now struggling to trust any adults at all.

JustPeter · 13/12/2025 15:08