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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas meal and parents

126 replies

9yhkout6 · 13/12/2025 07:19

Not sure whether am unreasonable regarding our xmas meal. We only ever go to my family's for xmas. Its either my brother's who is vegetarian and makes a vegetarian xmas meal every other year or my parents. This year it's my parents and my brother is with his in laws.

I told my parents we will cover the cost of the xmas meal. But they have no started ordering the food. Firstly they picked rungs that my family are allergic too, then just random stuff that have nothing to do with a normal xmas meal. My parents aren't from this country and didn't use to celebrate xmas.

Am I unreasonable to ask them to get traditional English food? I feel sad my kids don't ever get to experience it as it's either vegetarian food or random stuff.

We have offered to host but they won't come to ours

OP posts:
Helpwithdivorce · 14/12/2025 19:45

Ordinarily on Christmas we go to either my sisters or my parents. This year however we decided we wanted to stay at home.
I rang my mum and said we’re staying at home this year so you’re invited to our house, my mum said oh but we were going to invite you here. I said well the kids want to stay at home this year, so that’s what we’re doing. You’re welcome to come. Or not. It’s up to you.
They decided to come here, if you want to do Christmas your way then do it your way, if your parents don’t like it they can stay at home. As pps have said you don’t get many Christmas’s with your children, don’t waste them

onetrickrockingpony · 14/12/2025 19:50

Got it, so you’re not looking for solutions and are just wasting everyone’s time.

YABU for being pissed off about something you have multiple opportunities (ie., once a year, for as long as your children are at home) to change.

HTH.

Buffs · 14/12/2025 19:53

thepariscrimefiles · 13/12/2025 08:08

You celebrate Christmas every year with people who don't celebrate Christmas and who don't make any effort to make things Christmassy in any way for their grandchildren. That isn't fair on you or your children. You have offered to pay for an Uber so that they can travel to your house so if they think that is ridiculous, they are making a conscious choice not to come to your house.

Put your children first this year after years of putting your parents first. They have each other so won't be alone and the day isn't even a special day for them so surely they won't even care?

Show quote history

Nails it. Do this!

BuckChuckets · 14/12/2025 20:00

9yhkout6 · 14/12/2025 18:28

I appreciate everyone saying we should stay at ours but isn't a large part of British xmas tradition celebrating it with family?

I mean, make up your mind. Is it about spending time with family or about eating turkey? That's not for anyone else to tell you.

nomas · 14/12/2025 20:02

9yhkout6 · 14/12/2025 19:44

Why doesn't it make sense. I come from culture where family celebrations are important though not Xmas. And my parents basically want to do things their way because that's how it's always been. And we take family seriously. My question wasn't for a solution but asking whether am being unreasonable at basically being annoyed at it. Doesn't mean there is anything I can do about it though if there was, I would have already come up with it. Doesn't stop me from being pissed off though.

Your reasoning is bizarre though. I'm also from a culture where we don't traditionally celebrate Christmas. We still use it as an opportunity to get together though.

Sometimes we have a traditional Christmas meal with turkey and all the trimmings and sometimes we don't.

Everyone is allowed to have input. It sounds like everything is your parents way or the highway and you resent them for it but won't say anything.

searchforthesun · 14/12/2025 20:04

Terrribletwos · 14/12/2025 19:41

I am getting the feeling that op is kinda just messing about with people's heads here for amusement. Very little makes any sense 🤔

Show quote history

🤣 Take her own turkey to her brothers next year? 🤷‍♀️ voila, problem solved, the kids experience ‘a proper’ Christmas 🤦🏼‍♀️

Buffs · 14/12/2025 20:08

9yhkout6 · 14/12/2025 19:44

Why doesn't it make sense. I come from culture where family celebrations are important though not Xmas. And my parents basically want to do things their way because that's how it's always been. And we take family seriously. My question wasn't for a solution but asking whether am being unreasonable at basically being annoyed at it. Doesn't mean there is anything I can do about it though if there was, I would have already come up with it. Doesn't stop me from being pissed off though.

Choosing to be pissed off when there are simple solutions is not a great way to lead your life or be a good role model for your children.

SheSaidHummingbird · 14/12/2025 20:10

@9yhkout6 Your attitude is unreasonable.

RessicaJabbit · 14/12/2025 20:21

You're unreasonable to be annoyed when you're going to do fuck all about it, yes.

Truetoself · 14/12/2025 21:14

@9yhkout6if Christmas is not an “event” in your family then I don’t understand why you all need to gather ar your brother’s or your parents house in Christmas day?
You can explain to them the way you have explained it here and then if they don’t want to compromise then you need to start making your own Christmas traditions

bonquiqui · 14/12/2025 22:01

OP, the reason “that’s the way it always is” re only going to their home (even for events they don’t care about) is because you won’t speak up or push back when you want to do something different. They don’t want to have fun celebrations, refuse to travel to yours… they don’t get to celebrate with you then I’m afraid

Partypants83 · 15/12/2025 04:20

Ihateslugs · 13/12/2025 07:35

Could you order a delivery to be sent to there house? Although there might not be any delivery spots left now. You could buy it yourself and take it with you but without a car that will be difficult. I think all you can do is give a list of things they need to go out and buy.

Will they be cooking a turkey? If they are not used to traditional British Christmas meals then that might be challenging for them!

I share the cost of our family meal when we go to my sisters house, she has four adults in her family and there are five of us so it works out fairly. But my sisters buys everything as she is very organised and likes to do things her own way! I am “allowed” to make the meringues that we have at tea time and the sausage and apple stuffing which is a family favourite that my mum used to make!

Mmm, sausage and apple stuffing. Recipe please!

LivingTheDreamish · 15/12/2025 04:42

Yes you are unreasonable to expect them to get traditional British Christmas food because that's not what they cook/eat. You are also unreasonable to just go along with it. You need to say to them - now that our children are growing up we want them to have the full turkey experience, and we can either cook that at our house, or bring the food and cook it at your house - which is it to be? Happy to prepare a separate meal for you. Of course if you aren't bothered about Christmas we can get together for a family gathering in the New Year instead.

Create your boundary. Your parents really don't have to dictate this.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 07:07

9yhkout6 · 14/12/2025 19:44

Why doesn't it make sense. I come from culture where family celebrations are important though not Xmas. And my parents basically want to do things their way because that's how it's always been. And we take family seriously. My question wasn't for a solution but asking whether am being unreasonable at basically being annoyed at it. Doesn't mean there is anything I can do about it though if there was, I would have already come up with it. Doesn't stop me from being pissed off though.

It doesn't make sense because there are obviously other family celebrations for religious and other events that are celebrated in your culture which your parents can and do host. Christmas is one that they don't celebrate so why can't you have your own Christmas celebration at home?

Is your DH from your culture or a different one? Your brother goes to his in-laws for Christmas and that seems to be allowed. Could you go to your in-laws?

I'm assuming that if you did stay at home and have a proper Christmas dinner that your parents would be upset and would probably emotionally blackmail you about 'abandoning' your culture. If I'm wrong and they would be fine with it, there is absolutely no reason for you to carry on missing a traditional UK Christmas Day and you are just being a martyr.

TorroFerney · 15/12/2025 07:19

9yhkout6 · 13/12/2025 08:31

I actually don't expect them to do xmas. As a family we used to do xmas because of my brother who was born here. it was always a random holiday. However, I would like my kids to have a regular Xmas, which they sort of do as my brother cooks a veg one every other year that they are with us. But we aren't vegetarian and my kids have never had a regular one.

But it’s you who are depriving your children of the experience, no one else.

Original poster
9yhkout6 · 15/12/2025 07:46

So we don't really have any other cultural traditions. We come from a traditionally Christian country , it's just that when we lived there no one did Xmas. So the only other family traditions is family birthdays.

My in-laws are no longer alive and we have never spent a xmas with them.

OP posts:
Indianajet · 15/12/2025 07:52

People are more important than food - I have had some very random meals at Christmas for various reasons, but the spirit of Christmas is not Turkey, it is love.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2025 08:07

9yhkout6 · 14/12/2025 19:44

Why doesn't it make sense. I come from culture where family celebrations are important though not Xmas. And my parents basically want to do things their way because that's how it's always been. And we take family seriously. My question wasn't for a solution but asking whether am being unreasonable at basically being annoyed at it. Doesn't mean there is anything I can do about it though if there was, I would have already come up with it. Doesn't stop me from being pissed off though.

But of course there’s something you can do about it!!! You can set your own traditions for your children and then invite your parents to join or not. You going to them and having their idea of Christmas is not the only option.

You do seem to still see yourself as one of the children of the family who had to just do what their parents want, not the mum of the family who can control the Christmas Day your children experience.

I would say put your dcs first. Plan a day for you and DH and DCs and then invite your parents to join you, make it as easy as possible with offering a cab or them coming th day before. Have a second “Christmas” on 26th/27th at your parents house if they refuse to come to you.

You are the parent- not the child. You decide how the children of the family celebrate th day. Grandparents can fit in or if they don’t want to, they don’t have to come.

Mulledjuice · 15/12/2025 08:10

9yhkout6 · 13/12/2025 08:00

My kids are 8 and 6. So we have had a traditional Xmas during covid and once when they were sick with gastro and we stayed at home.

They are presumably at prime time of excitement for opening their pesents and playing with them.

Could your parents stay with you?

BuckChuckets · 15/12/2025 08:28

9yhkout6 · 15/12/2025 07:46

So we don't really have any other cultural traditions. We come from a traditionally Christian country , it's just that when we lived there no one did Xmas. So the only other family traditions is family birthdays.

My in-laws are no longer alive and we have never spent a xmas with them.

Why are you being so difficult, while completely ignoring most people's questions? Is it, as another poster suggest, that you're trolling? 😂

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2025 08:43

I’m not sure the OP is a troll, it’s often the case that many woman really struggle to accept they are the mum of the family and they are able to set their own family traditions, inviting the older generation to join in or not, they don’t have to stay in the child role and let their parents dictate how things are.

Truetoself · 15/12/2025 14:06

@9yhkout6are you and your parents Christian? If so, how did you mark the anniversary of the birth of Christ in your home country?

Original poster
9yhkout6 · 15/12/2025 14:09

@Truetoself It's complicated - we come from a country that used to be atheist and never celebrated Christian rituals - but it has since gone back to being Christian. So our first experience of Xmas was really when we moved to the UK but we also dont have any other cultural rituals.

OP posts:
Truetoself · 15/12/2025 19:53

All the more reason to start your own traditions and show the rest of the famili how it could be done?

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/12/2025 16:38

If its just another day to them and they throw up boundaries like ubers are ridiculous, when you're offering to pay, then it's mad to not stay home and enjoy your own christmas dinner as a family. See them after it or before surely?

Not wanting to take a generously offered uber is quite classic of that generation tbh, my mum finds it bizarre I'd take a taxi to something when I could take a bus, a metro and then another bus. My mil once couldn't host us when we wanted to visit their town as there are other family members there, so we said we'd get a hotel and apparently that was also not allowed, I mean you can't win sometimes!