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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Estranged brother moving to where we live

130 replies

User28884995 · 11/12/2025 22:50

I want to preface this by saying I am not anti Muslim, I am atheist myself but the way in which the following has come about has been very worrying. My brother converted to become a Muslim around 6 years ago, this is something that was never in our upbringing or culture, it happened to him at a time he was struggling mentally and had been friends with another Muslim who likely influenced this. He has always had an obsessional nature and went on to engage with the religious following in a very obsessional extreme and strict manner,
like it was another fixation for him. His girlfriend at the time reached out expressing her worry of him converting and forcing this upon her, saying that he was saying he couldn’t be in the same room as her unless they were married and that she didn’t know what to do, that he was being overbearing with his new beliefs and pushing it onto her. There was worry that he was being radicalised and it all felt very scary. Family intervened but he stuck to this and went on to fully convert, his girlfriend ended up doing so too and they then married with an Islamic wedding. She know expresses how devoted she is to this religion and works in a field where she actively supports the religion but I cannot forget her cries for help and how she said he was forcing this on her by being overbearing with his beliefs and saying she needed to convert for them to be together in the same room. I haven’t been able to accept this as being ok and have kept personal distance. I now have two young children and I do not feel able to involve them in their lives due to the evolution of how this happened. This has been bearable as we have lived some distance apart so have gone ahead with our own lives but yesterday I have been told by another family member they are moving to our small neighbourhood. We have spent years and all our money to build what we have and to get our child into their school. I am feeling very worried by this and the impact it will have on how we feel able to live here. They did not mention this at all previously despite knowing we live here, there are many other areas they could have chosen in a large city yet have chosen very close proximity to us whereby I now feel worried of crossing paths with them and their presence having an impact on what we have built for our children. Everyone was worried and scared by how he behaved at the beginning of this but due to people living their own space it has not been imposing onto their lives but it is of our now young family. This is coming from a place of knowing when he chose this path it was put upon his girlfriend and not from a positive place. We are basically estranged from them as cannot forget how this came about but are really struggling with them now choosing to live so very close to us. Any advice appreciated as I feel I will worry now just living in my own area.

OP posts:
User28884995 · 11/12/2025 22:54

I have expressed my worry to him of feeling lack of respect for our personal space and asked if they can look to find their own area to live in but he has said they have made their decision.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 12/12/2025 02:43

Sorry you're in this situation. I wouldn't move from where your settled unless his presence really causes you too much distress. Do they have any kids? Just wondering if they'll be wanting to have all the kids meeting up and pushing for contact.

I also have a sibling I'm estranged with who's far away, looks like we may have to spend xmas together though - very uncomfortable.

Bigcat25 · 12/12/2025 02:44

Is he aggressive or dangerous op?

DeeLasVegas · 12/12/2025 02:47

You can’t tell anyone to move to a different area. Absolute nonsense 🤦🏻‍♀️

Firefly1987 · 12/12/2025 02:57

I don't think personal space extends to the whole of your neighbourhood!

Bobloblawww · 12/12/2025 03:45

Unless he is violent or sleeping in your spare room I don’t see the problem.

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 12/12/2025 04:21

I understand why this would be deeply unsettling. But do you think he will even want to have contact with you and your DC when he moves closer? There’s every chance he won’t. You don’t have to invite him over and he can’t come in if you don’t let him. His girlfriend obviously had a lot closer contact to him for a sustained period than he will ever get with your DC. Chances are if your DC do encounter him they will think he’s odd. You can lay some groundwork there depending on age and what they know already, You have more power than it feels like right now in this situation xxx

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/12/2025 06:34

You're estranged. End of.

Capillaryaction · 12/12/2025 06:39

I think you are being a bit fearful.

If you do see him, just set a boundary and say 'we don't want to talk about religion or hear about religion' and ALL this absurdity will be wiped out.
Then you will have your brother back, and just accept him how he is!
If he DOES try to convert you remind him 'i don't agree and I don't want you to try to persuade me'..
Simples

PersephoneParlormaid · 12/12/2025 06:41

You can’t dictate where he lives.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2025 06:41

I'm sure that it will be easy for you to keep your distance. You can't stop him moving into the area where I presume that both you and your brother were brought up.

He will move in very different circles to you and your family so I doubt that your paths will cross much, if ever. If he is the sort of extremely devout Muslim that converts to the religion often are, he will probably want to avoid you as much as you want to avoid him.

Catza · 12/12/2025 07:57

What's the actual fear, OP?
I get that you are uncomfortable with the past but it is just that...the past. You can't change it and, clearly, the girlfriend has no issues with the events.
But moving on to present day, what exactly do you think will happen? That he attempts to convert your children? That he attempts to convert you? Something else?
I don't see how him moving to your area impacts your life in any tangible way but maybe I am missing something. From the outside, it appears that working on your own feelings is probably going to be more productive than trying to convince him not to move (which really isn't something you can insist on). Control the controllables.

Simplestars · 12/12/2025 08:05

If you swap “Muslim” for “gay” (or honestly any other identity), it becomes obvious how unfair and prejudiced some of this sounds. Your brother changed his beliefs and lifestyle, and while the way it happened might have been intense or uncomfortable, that doesn’t make his identity dangerous or something your children need protecting from. People grow, relationships evolve, and sometimes they take paths we wouldn’t personally choose but that doesn’t mean they’re a threat.
It’s understandable to feel unsettled about the past or worried about awkwardness, but assuming their presence in your neighbourhood is harmful simply because of their religion is an overreaction. You can maintain boundaries without treating their lifestyle as something your family needs shielding from. Feeling uncomfortable doesn’t automatically mean you or your kids are unsafe.

Simplestars · 12/12/2025 08:10

User28884995 · 11/12/2025 22:54

I have expressed my worry to him of feeling lack of respect for our personal space and asked if they can look to find their own area to live in but he has said they have made their decision.

You’ve told them how you feel, but they’re still entitled to live wherever they choose. Expecting them to move because YOU feel uncomfortable especially when the discomfort is rooted in their religion really just shows your prejudice. You can set boundaries for your own home, but you don’t get to dictate where other adults live.

Dearg · 12/12/2025 08:23

You are estranged. It seems as if neither of you has pushed to overcome that in the intervening period.

I totally understand that you feel encroached upon, but actually, you don’t have to meet them, other than in passing. They can just be any other couple moving into the neighbourhood.

If he tries to push for more than you are ready to accept, you block him and ask him to, to respect that.

FenceBooksCycle · 12/12/2025 08:33

User28884995 · 11/12/2025 22:54

I have expressed my worry to him of feeling lack of respect for our personal space and asked if they can look to find their own area to live in but he has said they have made their decision.

Ok, so let him know that any attempt to be involved in your life or your children's lives is unwanted and if he fails to respect that it will become Harrassment and you will be able to get a court injunction against him if he doesn't leave you and your family alone. He and his wife have the right and freedom to choose anywhere to live, you cannot stop him. However he does not have any right to force unwanted interaction of any kind.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/12/2025 08:56

Everyone was worried and scared by how he behaved at the beginning of this

Who is 'everyone'? What was scary?

ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 09:13

Sorry you went through that op. I would remain no contact - see him in the street? Walk past.
If they start harrasing you? - get a injunction.

User28884995 · 12/12/2025 09:29

Thanks for the opinions- what was scary was that he was saying he couldn’t be in a room by himself with his girlfriend unless they were married and he forced his religious conversion choice into her- I had her calling me not knowing what to do and saying to not let him know she had contacted me. Everyone is referring to our whole and the girlfriend’s whole families. He has taken things to the extreme, an example being, not allowing music to be played when his girlfriend job was completely a role which revolves around music. I had her messaging me saying she things he is autistic and depressed and terrified of death and how this religion was undisputedly correct. Our parents were so concerned they contacted the police for fear he was being radicalised but was advised nothing could be done. I have messages from her clearing saying how he was forcing this on her. But now people seem to accept it but I think that’s as they have physical distance from them which is something he is now taking away from us. My fear is that my children will be impacted by him, the thought of my daughter being coerced to a religion as I am quite sure he didn’t his girlfriend is horrific and the though of my son having the beliefs he has expressed about women needing to cover their bodies to avoid being seen in a sexual manner is just not something I feel able to even put them near.

OP posts:
User28884995 · 12/12/2025 09:35

Also that we have built a small community here and care about that deeply for our children to grow within and having him coming into this space, with how he has acted over the years is something I worry I will be associated with when I really cannot accept this knowing what the girlfriend was saying to me from a place of fear when this all started. I have a cousin in the area who knows about my brother and I very much feel I get associated to him which I feel limited to get away from, everyone can see he has not behaved in a normal way which is hard when we are just trying to live our own lives away from his choices and not be impacted by what he has chosen to do

OP posts:
Catza · 12/12/2025 09:39

My fear is that my children will be impacted by him, the thought of my daughter being coerced to a religion as I am quite sure he didn’t his girlfriend is horrific and the though of my son having the beliefs he has expressed about women needing to cover their bodies to avoid being seen in a sexual manner is just not something I feel able to even put them near.

There will be hundreds of people living in close proximity to you who have the same views as your brother. So far, it hasn't impacted your children. I think your fears are largely unfounded. Understandable but irrational.
Just because their uncle lives on your street, doesn't mean you have to allow any contact. It sounds as though he is no seeking contact anyway.

If you really feel very strongly about it, then your only option is to move. I would have thought it was an overreaction, but what do I know.

SmaugTheMagnificent · 12/12/2025 09:44

I'm sorry OP, but I think you are unreasonable. It is impossible to decide if your brother's behaviour was controlling, or whether he just told his girlfriend what his new "boundaries" were and asked her if she still wanted to be with him on that basis. But it doesn't matter that much anyway. You are allowed to not want to see anyone, for any reason. So just don't see him.

Just message and say what your boundaries are, and then crack on with your life. "DB, I accept I can't stop you moving here. But I don't want your family to have any contact with my family. If we bump into each other on the street, don't acknowledge us/confine yourselves to "good morning"." Or whatever.

Spanglemum02 · 12/12/2025 09:46

Hi , I understand that your brother and his girlfriend moving to your neighbourhood is not good news for you, but I think you need to work on your own fears and what you can control. You can't control where they live or the choices his girlfriend made. You can control when they see your children and what is discussed.

It does sound like your brother might be autistic but that's by the by. I don't understand what your cousin meant, yes he is your brother and might have unusual views but nobody is going to judge you for that. People already know you ìn the community and you can say "yes he is my brother but I don't have anything to do with him".

Would it be worth seeing the GP to talk shout your anxieties?

dairydebris · 12/12/2025 09:47

People are allowed to be religious and you are allowed to disapprove of this.

The rest is overdramatics.

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2025 09:53

You dont need to speak to him your children dont need to speak to him either but you cant control where he lives

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