Estranged brother moving to where we live

[User28884995]

I want to preface this by saying I am not anti Muslim, I am atheist myself but the way in which the following has come about has been very worrying. My brother converted to become a Muslim around 6 years ago, this is something that was never in our upbringing or culture, it happened to him at a time he was struggling mentally and had been friends with another Muslim who likely influenced this. He has always had an obsessional nature and went on to engage with the religious following in a very obsessional extreme and strict manner,
like it was another fixation for him. His girlfriend at the time reached out expressing her worry of him converting and forcing this upon her, saying that he was saying he couldn’t be in the same room as her unless they were married and that she didn’t know what to do, that he was being overbearing with his new beliefs and pushing it onto her. There was worry that he was being radicalised and it all felt very scary. Family intervened but he stuck to this and went on to fully convert, his girlfriend ended up doing so too and they then married with an Islamic wedding. She know expresses how devoted she is to this religion and works in a field where she actively supports the religion but I cannot forget her cries for help and how she said he was forcing this on her by being overbearing with his beliefs and saying she needed to convert for them to be together in the same room. I haven’t been able to accept this as being ok and have kept personal distance. I now have two young children and I do not feel able to involve them in their lives due to the evolution of how this happened. This has been bearable as we have lived some distance apart so have gone ahead with our own lives but yesterday I have been told by another family member they are moving to our small neighbourhood. We have spent years and all our money to build what we have and to get our child into their school. I am feeling very worried by this and the impact it will have on how we feel able to live here. They did not mention this at all previously despite knowing we live here, there are many other areas they could have chosen in a large city yet have chosen very close proximity to us whereby I now feel worried of crossing paths with them and their presence having an impact on what we have built for our children. Everyone was worried and scared by how he behaved at the beginning of this but due to people living their own space it has not been imposing onto their lives but it is of our now young family. This is coming from a place of knowing when he chose this path it was put upon his girlfriend and not from a positive place. We are basically estranged from them as cannot forget how this came about but are really struggling with them now choosing to live so very close to us. Any advice appreciated as I feel I will worry now just living in my own area.

Just shows how powerful religion can be to the weak who are easily swayed.
He was prepared to lose his family over it and the girlfriend was even sillier to follow him.

I think you are being ridiculous

Can I ask how? Back with this started his girlfriend was the one expressing a lot of concern and fear of how he was behaving, saying she felt he was obsessional and has always been and that he was enforcing his newfound belief on her, I know he was smoking weed a lot at this time also which I think effected his mental state. He was saying about being obsessed with death and going to hell. This was concerns raised to me from her. Then she converted and who knows the exact detail of that behind closed doors but I know she previously said very clearly she was having this forced upon her. The fear is that having him so near affects how I feel able to just walk down the street or pop into a shop without worry of him and yes the way he behaves does come across unusually and I worry I and my children will be associated with him when I really want nothing to do with him or to have him anywhere near my children.

So that's the real reason, isn't it?
You don't want to be "associated with him"... It has nothing to do with any tangible risks. You just don't want your community know that he is your brother. You should have just said that from the start.

Yep. A snob and a bigot.

I wouldn’t worry OP, considering how you are coming across here, he’s probably going to be embarrassed about being related to you.

I’m really sorry but how is not wanting to be near or associated to a man who has coerced his partner to convert and forced marriage, where she was pleading for our help from him when this started not fair enough?

I’d love to send screenshots of the types of things she was saying to be but dont think that would be ok to do- nevertheless she was saying she was desperate and didn’t know what to do as his behaviour was so obsessional and forceful

I don't understand your issues?
The wife has made her choice, so that's that. IF she reaches out saying the opposite, then you can offer your help.
As for people thinking you are close to him / his ideas, surely if anyone questions it, you just say you're estranged or share very different views. You're thinking too much into it and you definitely can't expect them to change where they've decided to live

If it comes to it, just tell your friends you don't speak and have different views, but he likely won't be mixing with them anyway. It's hardly a rare thing to not be close to a sibling.

Could it be a chance to check in on the partner, make sure she's ok?

Maybe her partner suggested moving to where you live in hope you will help her?

You're almost as intolerant as your brother imo. Get on with your life and stop obsessing about what another adult has chosen to believe.

Just pretend you don't know him if you see him. Stare straight ahead and ignore him. It is odd he's moving to be near you sent it?! Perhaps he's thinking of having children and he thinks your area is best because you've moved your family there? Maybe he wants to be closer to you again? Just ignore him. He's only renting, he may move away if he doesn't get what he wants.

Sorry this feels really inappropriate to say. I have not coerced someone to join a religion, said someone has to marry in be in the same room, not allow music etc. i am trying to get on with my life separately and he is imposing himself onto us when we have clearly wanted distance from him.

For someone you wish to be estranged from, he's sure taking up a lot of your mental energy.

Let it go. You cant decide someone's religion or where they live.

I want to but he is choosing to move very near to us

So what? Worst case scenario youll bump into him in the shop or on the street once every so often. You dont have to invite him over or let him spend time with your kids. You can tell everyone you dont like him if you want. Roll your eyes and get over it, theres nothing you can do.

His wife is an adult who made a decision. I understand coersion but she also didn't seem to be trapped with circumstances around housing, small kids, ill health, etc. He doesn't get to control you bc you won't let him.

I understand it's distressing to see him nearby. If he goes out of his way to cause problems for you you can re-evaluate. If you just can't handle him regardless you may have to consider moving for your mental health.

It's also possible that he's no longer smoking weed and has mellowed out some.

Are you worried that, being near by, he might run into your children when you aren’t with them and try to develop a separate relationship with them so that he can influence them towards his beliefs?

I can see why that might be worrying as they know him as their uncle who they should be able to trust.

As for other people thinking because he is your brother you are just like him, you’re going to have to let that go. People think what they think even when they have no reason to.

I think I too would find it concerning that he chose to live close to you. Where was he before? Why do you think he chose to live close to you? I can understand you feeling a bit nervous of his intentions.

But it's a fact he's going to be living near and it's good you're aware now and can put measures in place about how you want to handle it for your family. You can control this and absolutely not let him push you out. Keep a steady keel, ignore as much as you can and live your life for now, see how it pans out. It may not turn out as bad as you're thinking right now but at least you have the measure of him and can take appropriate precautions if he starts any shit.

How do you think he will be able to impact your children? Why would they have contact with him? I doubt he wants to be near you given how extreme he has become, although moving to your particular region is odd.

You don’t need tell anyone who he is to you. I must admit, I’d be very wary of anyone who converts to a religion when they haven’t previously demonstrated any interest.

IWe have explained to you on the basis why he can’t be alone with a woman in his home marriage but you continue to see it a a radical stance.

I feel sorry for your brother, you are intolerant and judgemental.

Sorry- do you think that for a man and woman to be in the same room they have to be married? I am hoping to understand I am understanding you correctly

The girlfriend was messaging me scared saying she had no idea what to do and that he was behaving irrationally- this distress was reported to me by her and I can’t forget how he made her feel

Your SIL didn't have to marry him. She made a choice to marry him. She will have been asked if she marries him freely and without coercion both alone and in the presence of witnesses.

You need to separate your relationship with him and her relationship with him.

You still don't need to be involved with him if your values dont align. However, I think you need to focus on how he makes you feel instead of his relationship with someone else.