Estranged brother moving to where we live

[User28884995]

I want to preface this by saying I am not anti Muslim, I am atheist myself but the way in which the following has come about has been very worrying. My brother converted to become a Muslim around 6 years ago, this is something that was never in our upbringing or culture, it happened to him at a time he was struggling mentally and had been friends with another Muslim who likely influenced this. He has always had an obsessional nature and went on to engage with the religious following in a very obsessional extreme and strict manner,
like it was another fixation for him. His girlfriend at the time reached out expressing her worry of him converting and forcing this upon her, saying that he was saying he couldn’t be in the same room as her unless they were married and that she didn’t know what to do, that he was being overbearing with his new beliefs and pushing it onto her. There was worry that he was being radicalised and it all felt very scary. Family intervened but he stuck to this and went on to fully convert, his girlfriend ended up doing so too and they then married with an Islamic wedding. She know expresses how devoted she is to this religion and works in a field where she actively supports the religion but I cannot forget her cries for help and how she said he was forcing this on her by being overbearing with his beliefs and saying she needed to convert for them to be together in the same room. I haven’t been able to accept this as being ok and have kept personal distance. I now have two young children and I do not feel able to involve them in their lives due to the evolution of how this happened. This has been bearable as we have lived some distance apart so have gone ahead with our own lives but yesterday I have been told by another family member they are moving to our small neighbourhood. We have spent years and all our money to build what we have and to get our child into their school. I am feeling very worried by this and the impact it will have on how we feel able to live here. They did not mention this at all previously despite knowing we live here, there are many other areas they could have chosen in a large city yet have chosen very close proximity to us whereby I now feel worried of crossing paths with them and their presence having an impact on what we have built for our children. Everyone was worried and scared by how he behaved at the beginning of this but due to people living their own space it has not been imposing onto their lives but it is of our now young family. This is coming from a place of knowing when he chose this path it was put upon his girlfriend and not from a positive place. We are basically estranged from them as cannot forget how this came about but are really struggling with them now choosing to live so very close to us. Any advice appreciated as I feel I will worry now just living in my own area.

You are estranged so remain estranged. You are over thinking this.

6 years have passed. Your brother could have mellowed or become more strict. It doesn’t matter either way as it doesn’t concern you. If you feel you need to save his now wife from her coercive husband then help.

I think she made the decision to convert out of desperation and fear, never in a million years would she have come to this decision if it hadn’t been for him, as mentioned she was a dancer and had to change this as he enforced no music. In terms of what scares me about him, it’s how he is so obsessional and extreme about the religion and how I know he forced it on his partner, to me that is not someone I could not have my children around or trust.

Let’s be honest here - OP is self obsessed and will feel ashamed if the locals find out they’re related. She’s going on like she’s the bloody mayor of the village 🤣

Did it ever occur to you that she might have changed her mind? That she has the right and the agency to do that?
As regards him living near you - if you're estranged, just ignore him. Problem solved. You don't have the right to decide who lives in your neighbourhood, even if they're unpleasant religious fanatics.

If you don’t want him around your kids then don’t invite him to your house. If you are estranged this is no different to any other random person moving to your area.

what do you think will happen if he’s in the same shop/ bus queue/ GP waiting room as you?

Maybe he has calmed down now

i know many Muslims who are perfectly lovely normal people and don’t discriminate against sexuality

I understand your fears, it sounds like he is provocatively moving in on your safe home turf. I've encountered plenty of mentally distressed people who find their 'salvation' in obsessively following religion: they love to start evangelising & sometimes lose sight of boundaries. It's a big shame your SIL didn't have a strong enough sense of self to reject his demands, but she allowed fear to win.
You don't have to. He's renting? Well, that doesn't have to be a long term situation. Ensure your support network know what's coming & don't allow him to be associated with you. Don't accept reports of his behaviour, requests that you mediate etc.. Focus on your family & friends.
He may get bored if he can't have an obvious impact on you or sneak back into your life. The virtue signalling on this thread takes no notice of the initial distress of the SIL but instead wants everyone to know how 'inclusive' they are. You know the reality. Protect you & yours. All the best.

I think you’re far more obsessed with him and than he is with you.

I have actively keep distance from him and wanted to remain at a distance and he is choosing to move to the small location he knew we lived in. I don’t understand how your comment makes any sense

Not this at all- he has caused immense upset and stress for my family and put others in positions of fear

I don’t think this thread is going the way you had hoped. He can choose to live wherever he wants. As I said, if he was interested in interfering in your life he would have done so ages ago. He hasn’t and is unlikely to do so. I think you should examine why you’re so ‘scared’ because still yet to see examples of it.

He has forced his religion in others when they expressed desperation and fear for themselves but also his well-being as he was not in a mentally stable state when beginning to follow this religion, he has caused the wider family and his parents a massive amount of fear, stress and upset to the extent they had to call the police as he was behaving as if he had been radicalised.

🙌🏼

All new converts are extremely passionate but usually calm down after a couple of years

Again not what you’re ’scared’ of as you haven’t told us here anything that’s scary or warrants the police. It doesn’t seem like he’s got in touch with you so maybe you do the same and stop contacting him. Stay estranged and you will be fine.

I can completely see why you are worried by this, I would be in your situation. It’s the behaviour, and not which religion it is that’s the concern.

My biggest worry in your position would be why he has moved to this area. If there are no family ties in the area and it has no emotional significance from your shared childhood, then it’s not unreasonable to assume that the move has something to do with you and your children.

In your position I would check through my socials and remove anything to do with locations. So if, for example, you always use the same cafe or take the kids to the same playground I would remove photos of it.

And I would speak to school, explain that you are very low contact with your brother, that he is moving to the area and that you don’t give permission for him to collect even in an emergency.

Id be really careful for the first couple of months to reduce the chances of bumping into each other, so that you set a precedent that you’re still low contact even when geographically close.

If they ask to meet or to see you I wouldn’t refuse - people do change as they grow - but I wouldn’t include the kids in that.

I have witnessed and known about lots of conversion stories but mostly into the Christian faith. What I note is that it often comes about due to being at a low point for one reason or another. So when at a point of vulnerability and needing strength or direction. There’s a focus on not being ‘unevenly yoked’ too which some opt to interpret as being in a relationship with only Christians.

I wonder if the obsessional aspect of your brother is ocd, autism or mental health issues. I wonder if he has the support or strategies or medication in place to ease this? If concerned about extremism on his return, contact PREVENT.

I wonder why they are moving closer to you? Family conversion? Moving away from their faith so needing space from their religious community? Wanting a fresh start?

Personally, knowing how cornered the girlfriend was I would have quietly maintained contact with her to keep an eye on her well-being. Coercive control is a lot to deal with

The positive thing is that your life is good right now. Your community and friends have known you a while so if there are any complexities when your brother arrives, they will be aware you’re very different people.

Also people do change and grow up so maybe he’s matured and wanting a fresh start

Your whole premise for him being radicalised is that he didn’t want to live with his girlfriend without marriage any more.

By your logic, 90% of Muslims in the UK are radicalised because they want to be married before living together

Because it doesn’t make sense, OP.
There are some very strange posts on this thread.

I know a young couple who are estranged from retired parents on one side due to the parents’ appalling behaviour to all their adult DC. These parents have recently moved to the young couple’s very small neighbourhood. There is no reason for that move other than to harass them. It is not their original neighbourhood or anywhere near where they haved lived previously. It is not a beauty spot and does not have any attractions for retired people. The young person whose parents they are is now having counselling to deal with this. There are concerns about attempted contacts with their young DC.

People should not minimise how concerning this situation might well be.

OP, you will need to ensure your DC know what to do if he attempts to make contact with them at school or any activities they do. If he makes it known to friends of yours who he is you could state briefly that you are estranged and won’t attend any gatherings where he is.

I’m a committed Christian but I would not spend any time with family members who tried to coerce their partner into their faith. My DH is a committed atheist.

Sorry this isn’t true- it is by no ways just this- he acted in an incredibly obsessive unusual way in many ways which came after a period of him smoking weed a lot, being obsessed with death and hell, forcing this on his partner and putting his wider family in very difficult positions

OP you reported him to the police. What did they say? He is clearly living his normal life. You literally have no idea what is going on in his life. As someone who has muslim converts in their family I will say you don’t sound like you would have been accepting of him even if he had presented himself as the best version of himself.

Like it or not he is free to move where he wants when he wants just as you are. You don’t need to interact with him. You need to stop expending your energy on him. Accept the fact that he has moved to eg your tiny rural village BUT you don’t need to have a relationship or interactions with him.

You had the opportunity to help your SIL but you didn’t. Thats now 6 years ago. As I have said before he may well have mellowed. You either have to be open to that and to see the changes or you stay closed.

How has he forced ‘death and hell’ on people?

Has he killed people?

He sounds a lunatic and I’d be worried too. If you make it very clear from the beginning that you want nothing to do with this and set very firm boundaries then I think it would be fine. If you let him poison your children with his ideology you will never forgive yourself.

That poster was being sarcastic.

There isn't anything that you can do. Your brother can live where he likes. If he starts to harass you or your children, you can report him but at the moment he isn't doing anything wrong.

Your SIL may have chosen to convert to a religion that she wasn't really happy with in order to be able to marry your brother, if that was the only way she could remain in a relationship with him.