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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas dilemma

127 replies

deviantfeline · 11/12/2025 04:54

A good friend (Joan) moved away recently after a difficult breakup. She’s coming back for a couple of days over Xmas so her son can spent time with his Dad and GP so she’ll be alone on Xmas day.
Me and DH are having a quiet one with a friend on Xmas day(Paula). Paula knows Joan but not very well and she has said she finds her a bit too much. Paula is naturally quiet but is engaged when it’s just the three of us. Joan loves to spend hours talking about herself very loudly and not listening to others conversations so she naturally dominates any chat which means Paula sits in silence as she bangs on about her own stuff
Joan has asked to join us on Xmas day.
AGGH what do I do? I don’t feel I can leave a friend alone on Xmas day but then again I don’t want Paula to feel squeezed out and she thought it was a quiet one with just the three of us.
If I ask Paula she will pull a face and say sheepishly ‘sure’ which leaves me in same place.
AIBU to tell Joan to come and hope she pipes down enough for Paula to get a word in? Or should I make excuses to Joan for lunch and tell her to come for drinks later or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
deviantfeline · 11/12/2025 05:05

I should probably say I love Joan and would love her to be there and I think she would inject some much needed hilarity into the day but I suspect Paula would think otherwise hence the dilemma

OP posts:
TheAutumnCrow · 11/12/2025 05:11

Can’t you ask Joan to come along but to pipe down a bit for Paula’s sake?

Ask her to be mindful of your other friend, tone it down a bit, and try to engage with Paula a little more because she’s one of life’s lovely introverts. Joan must have noticed, surely?

Hufflemuff · 11/12/2025 05:15

Can you invite Joan at 2pm but have Paula over at 11am or something so Paula has enough Joan free time?

Id just make a conscious effort to talk to Paula and help her work her way into conversations and shut down any long monologues from Joan. If Joan's going on about her Chirstmas shopping, listen for 2 minutes then say "Paula - how did you find it shopping this year?" That kind of thing.

ilovepixie · 11/12/2025 05:16

Where is Joan staying?

cariadlet · 11/12/2025 05:20

I think it's really cheeky of Joan to ask. I would want to say no as Paula had been invited first and Joan would dominate the situation which would be unfair on Paula. But I would also feel sorry for Joan because of her bad break up. It would be hard to say no without upsetting her.

She's put you in a very awkward situation.

Full disclosure. I'm probably biased because I find loud people who talk about themselves and dominate social situations, difficult to be around and would much prefer to spend a day with someone like Paula.

MidnightScroller · 11/12/2025 05:20

Agree with PP- get Paula round a bit earlier and just mention to Joan that you’re having a quiet one because you needed to catch up with Paula as well. Mostly though it’s yours and DH Christmas so do what you two want! Give them an end time as well for example and then don’t be shy at whatever time that is to say oh look it’s Xpm welll hasn’t that been lovely, so glad you could come etc and then get them out!

MinnieMountain · 11/12/2025 05:25

deviantfeline · 11/12/2025 05:05

I should probably say I love Joan and would love her to be there and I think she would inject some much needed hilarity into the day but I suspect Paula would think otherwise hence the dilemma

Edited

You clearly prefer Joan to Paula.
Given that Joan is down for a few days, could you see her on a different day?

Original poster
deviantfeline · 11/12/2025 05:59

MinnieMountain · 11/12/2025 05:25

You clearly prefer Joan to Paula.
Given that Joan is down for a few days, could you see her on a different day?

Show quote history

I don’t prefer Joan to Paula. Paula is a solid long term friend. I see her very regularly as well at least twice a week. I like her company and her calmness hence why we are spending Xmas with her. I don’t want to ruin her Xmas with Joan taking over
Joan I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t want her to be alone on Xmas day. I like her for her energy and often daft stories.
I like both for different reasons. I don’t want either to have a miserable Xmas day.
I could see her another day but she’d still be alone on Xmas day which I would feel bad about.

OP posts:
Runrunrudolph · 11/12/2025 05:59

Tbh Joan sounds like a total pain in the neck.And incredibly cheeky to ask to be invited for Christmas day.

Joan will ruin Chriatmas day for Paula but given that she seems so incredibly thick skinned would she really be put out if you told her you were sorry but you already had your arrangements made for Christmas day? She probably has other people she can impose herself on.

If you really feel you need to invite her i would go for the option of inviting her for later on in the day so poor Paula can at least enjoy her lunch.

TheAutumnCrow · 11/12/2025 06:02

Or just tell her the truth?

SparklyGlitterballs · 11/12/2025 06:07

Does Joan really have no other family/siblings/friends that she could spend the day with? Are you seriously her only option?

You know Joan will spoil the day for Paula, and you've already made plans with Paula. In this situation I'd apologise and say you already have a friend spending the day with you and offer Joan a different day. If Joan is that much of an extrovert then I reckon there must be someone else she can go to.

ilovesooty · 11/12/2025 06:09

deviantfeline · 11/12/2025 05:59

I don’t prefer Joan to Paula. Paula is a solid long term friend. I see her very regularly as well at least twice a week. I like her company and her calmness hence why we are spending Xmas with her. I don’t want to ruin her Xmas with Joan taking over
Joan I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t want her to be alone on Xmas day. I like her for her energy and often daft stories.
I like both for different reasons. I don’t want either to have a miserable Xmas day.
I could see her another day but she’d still be alone on Xmas day which I would feel bad about.

Edited
Show quote history

Why? It won't kill her to be on her own for the day. You invited Paula first. You don't have to agree to Joan coming too.

ilovesooty · 11/12/2025 06:09

TheAutumnCrow · 11/12/2025 06:02

Or just tell her the truth?

I think I would.

EINSEINSNULL · 11/12/2025 06:11

Who invites themselves?

Sorry Joan, that's not going to work for us/we have plans.

MinnieMountain · 11/12/2025 06:41

Sorry OP, it was the "much needed hilarity" bit of your post.

Speaking as an introvert, Joan being there will make it very difficult for Paula.

ThisLittlePony · 11/12/2025 06:46

SparklyGlitterballs · 11/12/2025 06:07

Does Joan really have no other family/siblings/friends that she could spend the day with? Are you seriously her only option?

You know Joan will spoil the day for Paula, and you've already made plans with Paula. In this situation I'd apologise and say you already have a friend spending the day with you and offer Joan a different day. If Joan is that much of an extrovert then I reckon there must be someone else she can go to.

This where is Joan staying? Why doesn’t she drop ds with his dad, go home and pick him up after Christmas?

Blizzardofleaves · 11/12/2025 06:47

It’s Christmas, of course you include your friend Joan. Paula arrives at 11am and can help you cook. You can chat together for a few hours over wine, and then Joan arrives at 1.30/2pm for lunch and fun. Best of both worlds! It sounds a bit dreary without an injection of new energy and I imagine you will all enjoy it.

I wouldn’t leave a friend alone at Christmas, no. Especially not for someone else’s benefit.

Bearbookagainandagain · 11/12/2025 06:57

Since you had already agreed plans with Paula, I wouldn't change those to make the day uncomfortable for her. And I think it's quite telling that Joanne basically invited herself to your Christmas...
It would be different if you were hesitant to invite them both from the get go, then Paula would have had a real choice.

If Joanne was the type to tone down her behaviour to make others more comfortable, then you could also try to tell her that you've noticed her and Paula have very different personalities etc... but from your description I doubt this would work.

Are you really spending the entire day with Paula?

Could you maybe meet Joanne for a Christmas breakfast, or drinks in the evening? Or spend boxing day with her?

Fairyliz · 11/12/2025 07:04

What would you like to happen op?
Im in my mid 60’s and realised that I have never actually had the Christmas that I want. Always worrying about other people, what they want, if they are happy.
It’s your house, I assume you are cleaning, shopping and cooking the food. What can’t other people fit in around you and be thankful to be included.

Otterdrunk · 11/12/2025 07:04

I know this won’t be very constructive or helpful but this is just an example where the pressure of Xmas creates ridiculous levels of unnecessary angst. Non of your making OP you’re only trying to be a good friend & gracious host to both parties. This is what I find so ridiculous about Xmas is that it sets up this sacrosanct fallacy that people, who normally quite happily spend possibly 365 days of the year, living on their own, are suddenly treated as completely incapable of being “left alone” at crime of the century, Xmas. It’s just insane! It’s the equivalent of a nice Sunday lunch! Unless it’s truly spiritual, religious or involving children then most adults are not jumping for joy about it, but happy to go along with the ritual & enjoy the parts that mean something to them along the way. But a lot of people don’t. Yes I know it can feel v isolating feeling the weight that the rest of the world is having a Xmas card perfect time & your friend may be on her own, the reality is most of them aren’t! It’s really infantilising & ableist & presumes that everyone has to, is able to or wants to conform to the set up. Ok not helpful to you & your predicament OP apologies! I would offer Joan to come over for drinks, canapés, nibbles or whatever level you feel you want to host her at (as you shouldn’t be having to provide 2 xmasses to each friend) on another day over the period like Boxing Day or NYear’s eve etc. I’d say you want to keep it all v low key & that Paula doesn’t cope well with larger numbers & you want all your friends to be happy over the period. Don’t succumb to the guilt & social pressure that by not accepting Paula on Xmas day you are a bad friend. It’s not your duty or responsibility to provide that for her, you’ve already made plans & the mix simply doesn’t work. Meaning less of you will be happy overall on a day that for some peculiar reason is supposed to be magical lol. Good luck!

Original poster
deviantfeline · 11/12/2025 07:07

ThisLittlePony · 11/12/2025 06:46

This where is Joan staying? Why doesn’t she drop ds with his dad, go home and pick him up after Christmas?

Show quote history

She’s staying in a hotel. It’s a v long drive back home for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
deviantfeline · 11/12/2025 07:09

Otterdrunk · 11/12/2025 07:04

I know this won’t be very constructive or helpful but this is just an example where the pressure of Xmas creates ridiculous levels of unnecessary angst. Non of your making OP you’re only trying to be a good friend & gracious host to both parties. This is what I find so ridiculous about Xmas is that it sets up this sacrosanct fallacy that people, who normally quite happily spend possibly 365 days of the year, living on their own, are suddenly treated as completely incapable of being “left alone” at crime of the century, Xmas. It’s just insane! It’s the equivalent of a nice Sunday lunch! Unless it’s truly spiritual, religious or involving children then most adults are not jumping for joy about it, but happy to go along with the ritual & enjoy the parts that mean something to them along the way. But a lot of people don’t. Yes I know it can feel v isolating feeling the weight that the rest of the world is having a Xmas card perfect time & your friend may be on her own, the reality is most of them aren’t! It’s really infantilising & ableist & presumes that everyone has to, is able to or wants to conform to the set up. Ok not helpful to you & your predicament OP apologies! I would offer Joan to come over for drinks, canapés, nibbles or whatever level you feel you want to host her at (as you shouldn’t be having to provide 2 xmasses to each friend) on another day over the period like Boxing Day or NYear’s eve etc. I’d say you want to keep it all v low key & that Paula doesn’t cope well with larger numbers & you want all your friends to be happy over the period. Don’t succumb to the guilt & social pressure that by not accepting Paula on Xmas day you are a bad friend. It’s not your duty or responsibility to provide that for her, you’ve already made plans & the mix simply doesn’t work. Meaning less of you will be happy overall on a day that for some peculiar reason is supposed to be magical lol. Good luck!

Oh you are SO right. This helped a lot. It’s just one day. It doesn’t have to be all day. I don’t need to carry the world on my shoulders…

OP posts:
Blizzardofleaves · 11/12/2025 07:09

Paula should be glad and grateful to be invited and included, she shouldn’t be then calling the shots on other guests!

Just because she is quiet it doesn’t mean everyone has to be! Goodness me. Paula sounds self absorbed and selfish. Putting her wishes for ‘quiet’ before everyone else, how tiresome at Christmas especially.

LoveWine123 · 11/12/2025 07:09

You are not responsible for other grown women’s Xmas day. Do what YOU feel like and let them manage their own feelings. You are overthinking this.

Blizzardofleaves · 11/12/2025 07:11

Paula sounds like the difficult one, surely she wouldn’t want anyone to be alone for Christmas?