Xmas dilemma

[deviantfeline]

A good friend (Joan) moved away recently after a difficult breakup. She’s coming back for a couple of days over Xmas so her son can spent time with his Dad and GP so she’ll be alone on Xmas day.
Me and DH are having a quiet one with a friend on Xmas day(Paula). Paula knows Joan but not very well and she has said she finds her a bit too much. Paula is naturally quiet but is engaged when it’s just the three of us. Joan loves to spend hours talking about herself very loudly and not listening to others conversations so she naturally dominates any chat which means Paula sits in silence as she bangs on about her own stuff
Joan has asked to join us on Xmas day.
AGGH what do I do? I don’t feel I can leave a friend alone on Xmas day but then again I don’t want Paula to feel squeezed out and she thought it was a quiet one with just the three of us.
If I ask Paula she will pull a face and say sheepishly ‘sure’ which leaves me in same place.
AIBU to tell Joan to come and hope she pipes down enough for Paula to get a word in? Or should I make excuses to Joan for lunch and tell her to come for drinks later or something.

Oh dear, I would do the staggered arrivals as suggested by PP so Paula has some quieter time before Joan’s arrival.
But no, I would never let a friend spend Christmas alone just because another friend prefers quieter gatherings (and I say that as an introvert who prefers quiet gatherings!)

We can agree on that at least Sooty - as it’s Christmas 🍷 and I hope op manages to enjoy the day too amidst the politics and dynamics. Maybe 🍷🍷 for her just in case!

That’s the spirit! 😅

Hypothetically OP, if you invite Joan and then Paula cancels attending how would that sit with you? As this might be the outcome.

"Joan loves to spend hours talking about herself very loudly and not listening to others conversations" based on that I can't say I'd be super keen to spend Christmas with Joan 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think Paula should get an opinion of who you invite to your house at Xmas. Your house , your call. She don't like it she can go elsewhere. Honestly how do people exist in the world without getting things there own perfect way . Grown women FFS .

It’s Christmas Day, not Paula’s Day.

Paula needs to get a grip, honestly.

The older I get, the less time I have for people like Paula who need to be considered to the extent you have to exclude others who you also enjoy spending time with to keep them happy.

What about you? What would make you happy?

If you want to invite Joan to celebrate Christmas Day with you in your home, to eat the food you have paid for and prepared, then you invite Joan. Christmas Day isn’t about Paula. She needs to suck it up and learn how to get along with others.

I cannot stand people like Paula.

Poor old Paula hasn’t done anything! She hasn’t asked OP not to invite Joan. She hasn’t said she won’t come if she does. You (and several others) are projecting onto her because for some bizarre reason the very idea of someone being naturally reserved and not relishing being honked at for hours on end is triggering for you. It’s very strange.

If Paula is coming for dinner I would invite Joan for nibbles around say 5ish and Paula can stay or leave. Or invite Joan for breakfast and do dinner later with Paula coming 2ish.
or invite Joan Boxing Day

It’s only one day and what Christmas is all about. Tell Paula the truth, Joan will be on her own and has asked to join you all for Christmas. You know she can be a bit much but we’re all going to try and make the most of it. Then stop overthinking it ☺️

This! So many pp saying Paula’s being a pain. She hasn’t even been told yet and the OP has already said she’ll grit her teeth and say ‘Sure’.

In what way am I triggered? In what way am I projecting?

Why would any of this “trigger” me?

The use of diluted therapy speak as an insult is so overdone.

The very fact that the OP feels that she cannot also invite Joan to her home to spend Christmas Day with her, tells me everything I need to know about Paula.

I think this is going to be my way forward. I’ll let Joan know that she will need to give Paula airtime and let Paula know she just needs to jump in if Joan is on a monologue. I can manage it by switching topics or moving the discussion to Paula.

Please update us on Boxing Day!

I would honour your original agreement and have Paula round for the majority of the day and then perhaps invite Joan round for the evening?

That sounds like a good solution - but how much insight does Joan have? Just that people who are unaware of how much they dominate & monopolise social situations are quite frequently unreceptive to moderating their behaviour! And not very good with criticism! So be careful your well intentioned suggestions to each don’t get their backs up & create tension you really don’t want! If you tell Paula that Joan is coming - might Paula pull out? Oh the madness!

I don’t think it is down to you to manage grown ups getting along together. Either split the day or say to Joan you already have made plans with another friend or tell Paula you have invited Joan too. It is your house and you can invite whoever you want but equally you are entitled to say no to someone who is trying to hijack your Christmas. How each of them feel about it is not down to you. Paul’s can leave early if Joan is too much and it won’t kill Joan to spend the day at her hotel.

Paula may also find Joan entertaining — Paula is an adult? Is she fragile or ill? It’s part of ordinary human relating to not like everything about a person and be able to deal with the bits we don’t like— either by showing what we need or saying what we think—hopefully in a kind and mature way.

I’m not sure this us all about your perception of what Paula needs—perhaps you’re not sure you really want Joan for Christmas as you don’t know how to deal with her when she sucks up all the space.

We take waifs and strays at Xmas & it’s hugely fun—and challenging at times but I don’t feel I need to worry about how the different people relate to one another, they’re adults & can manage that themselves. I tell them who’s invited to our house & they have a choice about whether they want to come or not—they all do come. I and they are just happy no one is alone on what is the loneliest day of the year for too many.

Is Paula staying over or there just during daytime? If the latter then I think Joan arriving later, just in time for the meal - when she can hold forth for a white anyway while everyone eats - is the best plan. Have to say you're being generous with your Christmas day.

Get Paula on the Baileys and turn her into a party animal to outdo Joan

Glad you are having both - you say you love Joan and had fun and tbh having a divorce and not being with her child (how old ?) on Xmas day is shit

both are friends and Paula can put up with a bit of chat and you tell Joan to calm down a bit if goes ott

now it’s dh I feel for. 3 woman nattering 😂😂 @deviantfeline

I love people like Joan because it means I don’t have to carry my weight. However, I do agree they can be a bit much. Maybe have Paula over an hour earlier so she can enjoy some space before Joan arrives. Good luck!

I have a tendency to be a bit like your friend - getting excited and having too much to say (especially if alcohol is flowing).

When I'm with good friends, they stop me. One of them will say
"hang on a moment MrsJL, Paula is trying to say something".
This is done kindly, and has the desired effect of getting me to pause for a moment.

Paula does sound like a bit if a drag

I'm glad you aren't a friend of mine. If I had just had a split up and lost my kid to my ex for the day, a stalwart friend is what I'd want. Wouldn't you? She might not be as loud as before with all the strife.

Could you do 12-4 Paula, 2-6 Joan? Dinner around 2.30? Paula can have some peaceful time and Joan can talk about herself, bit also esting she might be quieter. You get morning and evening to do as you please? Just a possible compromise x