Xmas dilemma

[deviantfeline]

A good friend (Joan) moved away recently after a difficult breakup. She’s coming back for a couple of days over Xmas so her son can spent time with his Dad and GP so she’ll be alone on Xmas day.
Me and DH are having a quiet one with a friend on Xmas day(Paula). Paula knows Joan but not very well and she has said she finds her a bit too much. Paula is naturally quiet but is engaged when it’s just the three of us. Joan loves to spend hours talking about herself very loudly and not listening to others conversations so she naturally dominates any chat which means Paula sits in silence as she bangs on about her own stuff
Joan has asked to join us on Xmas day.
AGGH what do I do? I don’t feel I can leave a friend alone on Xmas day but then again I don’t want Paula to feel squeezed out and she thought it was a quiet one with just the three of us.
If I ask Paula she will pull a face and say sheepishly ‘sure’ which leaves me in same place.
AIBU to tell Joan to come and hope she pipes down enough for Paula to get a word in? Or should I make excuses to Joan for lunch and tell her to come for drinks later or something.

Whose house are you gathering in? You can’t invite her to someone else’s house.

Poor Paula reduced to the role of kitchen assistant preparing for Joan to arrive and be the centre of attention?

What were Joan's plans for the day? If she's not had anything in place till 2 weeks before I'd be surprised! Is it somethings fallen through and you're 2nd best, or she thinks so much of herself and little of you that she thinks her doing this will be welcomed with open arms?

Absolutely invite Joan! You like her and enjoy her company. Feed Paula plenty of wine and she'll probably enjoy it all.

How?

This you can invite who you like OP.

as @Otterdrunk says fully on board. Overbearing friends are painful after a while

I think it’s a bit cheeky to invite yiursrr we kid in Christmas Day as well.

Can you invite her in Boxing day? The hotel she’ll be staying in will ni doubt be booking Christ MM as dinner etc.

Also, it’s December! Late to fe making plans.

Hello, Joan! 🙋🏼‍♀️

She’s a bit chaotic tbh. Very bad at planning stuff. She said she hadn’t really thought about it.

I think it's your house so you get to decide who you want to invite for Christmas. I think you should invite Joan as you want to invite her and tell Paula you have invited Joan so she wouldn't be alone for Christmas. Paula might not like it but it's not her decision or house.

Tee up your DH to be aware of the situation so you both are alert to Joan taking over and can steer the conversation round when needed/ make excuses to separate the party up a bit by going into separate rooms (e.g. "Joan that sounds interesting, why don't you come and tell me about it in the kitchen while I finish off the gravy" or "Paula would you mind just helping me with the sherry") or for a stroll with the dog or whatever. Games can actually help prevent a dominant person taking over, even something as simple as the name game where people have to guess the name on their forehead, as everyone takes turns to ask questions

I think it's unkind to invite Joan knowing it will ruin things for Paula, even if you prefer her company.

Does she expect others to deal with her chaotic fallout often?

Just have Joan for part of the day, and deal with her in shifts. Either have your main meal at lunchtime and tell Joan she’ll have to leave at x o’clock because you already have a guest and want time with her so she leaves a few hours later, or have the meal in the evening and tell Joan she’ll can come a few hours before that.

Let Paula know that Joan has asked to come and you feel you must say yes, but are are working on containing her. Have 2 rooms you can use for entertaining and tell Paula your plan of managing Joan, with you or your husband talking to/ listening to Joan in one room.

Have the TV on because people tend to shut up and gawp at that when it’s on.

This! Hey Paula, come early and help with stress and drudgery... then yay Joan!! You're here!! Please, sit and be waited on, now the fun can start!! Wooo!!

Just another view- I’m an introvert and I’d be quite pleased if an extrovert was invited, I would feel less pressure to make conversation and probably relax more.

I agree with this 👆
What do you want to happen? If you like her then have her over. You can't have a guest dictate what they prefer! Your quiet friend could come earlier for drinks while you cook, for a nice uninterrupted chat.

Joan loves to spend hours talking about herself very loudly and not listening to others conversations so she naturally dominates any chat which means Paula sits in silence as she bangs on about her own stuff

but it’s Paula who’s being difficult 🙄🙄🙄 ?

Unless Joan is staying at a particularly nice hotel, a day on her own sounds miserable. Im not massively sentimental about Xmas, but I wouldn’t much relish Xmas day on my own in a Travelodge. She might be chaotic but you said she’s also fun. She’s had a bad break up and is spending the day without her child so it would be kind to include her. I’m sure Paula can cope - presumably she’d be on her own if not invited? So can understand that you’re extending the same kindness to all your friends. You can definitely manage people a bit and have a secret game of bingo with your DH every time Joan has to be steered away from dominating or Paula has to be encouraged to speak.

But that’s not how Paula feels Paula knows Joan but not very well and she has said she finds her a bit too much. Paula is naturally quiet but is engaged when it’s just the three of us

I agree.

If Paula comes over early and then Joan comes over later on.

Paula gets quieter time and then can choose to leave early if she’s feeling overwhelmed and Joan isn’t alone for the day.
And you get to see both and likely have 1-1 time with them both too.

Oh wow that is fucking assertive of Joan! I would say you already have plans for xmas day but she would be very welcome on [insert day that suits you better]. Not that it is relevant to your dilemma but It may also be good for her to learn that if she doesn't want to be on her own she needs to be a bit more thoughtful of others.

I'd have Paula for the day, and have Joan join in in the afternoon/evening.

It’s a motel type place. Outskirts of a big city so nearest restaurant is Weatherspoons