Xmas dilemma

[deviantfeline]

A good friend (Joan) moved away recently after a difficult breakup. She’s coming back for a couple of days over Xmas so her son can spent time with his Dad and GP so she’ll be alone on Xmas day.
Me and DH are having a quiet one with a friend on Xmas day(Paula). Paula knows Joan but not very well and she has said she finds her a bit too much. Paula is naturally quiet but is engaged when it’s just the three of us. Joan loves to spend hours talking about herself very loudly and not listening to others conversations so she naturally dominates any chat which means Paula sits in silence as she bangs on about her own stuff
Joan has asked to join us on Xmas day.
AGGH what do I do? I don’t feel I can leave a friend alone on Xmas day but then again I don’t want Paula to feel squeezed out and she thought it was a quiet one with just the three of us.
If I ask Paula she will pull a face and say sheepishly ‘sure’ which leaves me in same place.
AIBU to tell Joan to come and hope she pipes down enough for Paula to get a word in? Or should I make excuses to Joan for lunch and tell her to come for drinks later or something.

What @Runrunrudolph said

Joan must have had some form of plan for Christmas?
Knowing that people have to plan food and seating etc? Or does she think she's such a delight people will ve clamouring to host her?
Am assuming she'll be driving so no alcohol for her at least, or will she just expect to stay the night or be taxied home by someone else?

This. Joan could come for early supper/late tea, say 8pm.

Paula only has to endure an hour or two of Queen Joan before she can depart for home or bed.

Why has Joan put herself in the situation to be alone in a hotel at Christmas? If her child's dad wants them over Christmas why can't they collect them? Why agree to plans that leave her in a shit situation then put it on someone else to fix it?

Paula invited for morning and dinner - serve it early-ish, around midday. Joan invited for the afternoon, say 'in time for the King' if you usually watch that, and tea in the evening. It's up to Paula if she wants to stay when Joan arrives or make her excuses

You’re effectively uninviting Paula if you invite Joan.

Staying alone in this motel on Christmas Day will be miserable for Joan. Her son will be with his father which will also be difficult for her. She is a bit loud, not unkind or unpleasant. Surely Paula can put up with her for one day?

What do you want to do @deviantfeline?
I like the idea of asking Paula to come at around 11ish (or whatever suits you) and Joan for 2pm or whatever. That way, Paula gets some quiet time and you get to enjoy Joan’s energy too.
Having said that, it’s a bit cheeky to invite yourself to someone’s Christmas Day!

Paula sounds like a PITA. She doesnt know Joan well but has already decided she doesn't like her. Its nice she comes out of her shell when shes got a quiet attentive audience but sometimes social situations involve louder personalities and you roll with it.

Paula has accepted an invitation, and I think it's a bit off to impose a different situation on her afterwards.

If you have the energy for it, I think Paula for lunch and Joan for dinner/evening nibbles is a good idea. Paula sounds like a good person and a close friend to whom you could honestly say, "Joan is a good friend, but I appreciate she's not everyone's cup of tea, so if you want to leave mid-afternoon, I won't be offended."

You sound like a good friend. Speaking as one of life’s introverts if I was Paula I don’t think I’d love the idea but I’m also an adult and it’s only one day and I wouldn’t want someone being on their own when we could accommodate them.

If I was Paula then I would be happy if you asked and I would say that’s fine and it would take the shine off but I wouldn’t want to be the sort of person who leaves someone alone at Christmas

so as Paula it’s not ideal but the other option is worse

Sorry, in these circumstances and given that Paula and Joan are not compatible, I would simply say ‘sorry, but I’ve made plans with someone else. Can we meet up on Boxing day instead?’ I think you have made a prior commitment to Paula and it is deeply unfair to change plans without much notice so that Paula could do something else - without Joan.

You and DH are not ‘responsible’ for Joan’s Xmas Day and, frankly, it IS just a day in the calendar unless you are deeply religious. It’s not the end of the world if she spends it alone (or just part of it, as she may have her son in the morning/evening). And it’s not your job to fix her life if she is bothered by it.

If I were alone I’d hate to feel I was being offered a room at the inn, so to speak, out of pity because I’m on my own.

Or maybe Joan could reign it in and not be loud and domineering?

I’m probably a bit of a Paula. I’d rather suffer a loud Joan than know she was alone on Christmas. Many people will have someone mildly irritating around their dinner table on the 25th - the hard to please MIL, the loud drunk uncle, the kid glued to an iPad. You just get on with it because it’s Christmas and you don’t want people to be left out.

Your house, you can invite who you like. They're both lucky they're getting an invitation.
I have an open house policy and all of my friends are welcome. Some get on better with each other than others but that's on them, they're all welcome and we always all have a good time.
They all know they'll all be invited so it's up to them whether they choose to come or not and, so far, they all have.

I am more like Paula than Joan but if I were you I would not leave Joan alone on Christmas Day. Most of us have to do a bit of putting up with things at Christmas and so should Paula, on this occasion. It is not all about her.
My dad was a very kind man and occasionally invited randoms round for Christmas. They were always made to feel welcome.

One could have the rule of 'only being allowed to speak when holding a specific object at arms length' (e.g. bottle of Baileys).It is a technique similar to that used in tedious, trendy management meetings to ensure everyone can get a turn.

Alternatively you could get a 'chess clock' (see photo) and allot the two of them a specific duration for talking (e.g. one hour) and once they have used their allotted time you send them home (with a mince pie or something).

Agreed! Why is it up to her?!

This is a possibility!

I think it's rude of Joan to invite herself. Do what you are happy with, not what you hope will make everyone else okay.

I’m going to take you back to your post OP - you would love Joan to be there. So include her!

Have a word with her about Paula coming and just remind her that though Paula is quiet she’s also good value and interesting, she just needs space to get a word in. That way you’ve lined up the option to cut Joan off a bit and give your attention to Paula.

If Paula rolls her eyes about Joan say you’re sure she wouldn’t want anyone to be on their own, and yes get her over earlier but not to peel spuds! Then she can have the spotlight for a bit and you can remind her that Joan is lovely even if she does go on and you’ll do your best to reign her in if she gets to be too much.

(I wonder if either Joan or Paula will put in as much effort to thinking about how they can best make your and your DH’s day a nice one by upping or downing their own social contributions?!?!)

I would have her, hate the thought of anyone being alone on Christmas Day. Just say yes but it’s a low key day and we were planning on watching tv / playing games / drinking wine and nice and chilled / like pre warn her

I empathise with Paula. I can't stand people who loudly talk about themselves for hours. It makes me want to tear my ears off.
However, your house, your Christmas. I'd probably invite Paula over earlier and Joan later. That would be some kind of compromise in my view.