DD (21) plans to get married and move abroad

[Thatonesong]

My DD is 21, she's a lovely, sociable, smart girl. She studied sports science and is now doing her MSc in Sports and Exercise Medicine. She entered into a new relationship in January, the man is 28 which to me feels like a notable age gap at 20/21, but I appreciate others may feel differently. He is from the Middle East and has made it clear he plans to move home. He proposed to DD at the start of the month, which felt quite fast since they'd been together for maybe 10/11 months at the time, but we congratulated her, she seems happy and airing our opinion is only likely to cause upset.
Tonight DD came over for dinner, without her partner. She told us she is planning to get married in the summer and then move to his home country with him in the autumn after she graduates. I asked if she has a plan for once she is there career wise and she said maybe some sports coaching but he can afford to support them both. This felt like a red flag to me as I don't want her to be fully reliant on anyone else to just survive. She was also honest and said having children is high on her priority list and she "doesn't want to wait until she's older and too tired to be an active mum". I felt a bit gobsmacked tbh, but just said she should spend some time thinking about if this all what she really wants or if she is doing it because it is what he wants/feels pressured.
Since she left I haven't been able to stop crying, my partner thinks we need to have a harsher word with her, note the risks more plainly, such as difficult getting a divorce, likely not possible to have children there, break up and move back here with them (due to The Hague Convention) etc.
I know she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices, but 21 still feels very young!
AIBU to be so concerned? What do I do?

She needs therapy, not a marriage! Does she consume a lot of tradwife social media content?

You could watch Love Is Blind: Habibi together to reach out and show understanding. With luck she'll realise why very few of the relationships worked out! https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81622654

Does he want a nikkah - sharia marriage? As part of this she should make sure the marriage contract has everything she wants in there. As parents you should be involved in the negotiations too, and her father is her guardian and needs to consent to the marriage. E.g. having their own home rather than living with his family, her own bedroom/living quarters, or her own separate home. Also include no second wife, freedom to travel with children. She should seek independent advice before a nikkah, including a mahr.

Does she know any Qatari women not related to him?

You are very right to be worried.

In Qatar, the husband is the head of the household. He'd be required to raise all his children as Muslim, they cannot be allowed to be agnostic. Her daughters will, as a result, grow up in a much smaller & sadder man's world, where they are considered weak and inferior. So your granddaughters will be covered up in public and controlled/protected by a male guardian.

What if her daughter wants to leave Islam, or becomes a feminist activist, or is same-sex attracted? Apostasy is still officially punishable by death under Qatari law. Gay sex is a prisonable offence. Government permission is required to hold public meetings, and criticism/dissent is also a prisonable offence.

What if her husband decides to take a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th wife? As is his right in Qatar. The choices your daughter makes now could result in very great misery for her future children as well as herself.

You are desperately worried for her happiness, now. And later she may similarly desperately worry for her own daughter's happiness.

"Women must obtain permission from their male guardians—who may be fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and, when married, their husbands—to exercise many of their basic rights, including to marry, obtain a government scholarship to pursue higher education, work in many government jobs, and obtain some reproductive health care. Women also cannot act as guardians to make choices about their children’s lives. At the root of these discriminatory rules are laws, policies, and practices that deem men as heads of households and as legal and social guardians of women."

This is a very interesting report. And usefully includes lots of personal experiences which makes the risks seem all too real:
https://www.hrw.org/report/2021/03/29/everything-i-have-do-tied-man/women-and-qatars-male-guardianship-rules

No, you’ve misunderstood. What people are saying is that Qatar is a place that simply prevents women from taking the children if the man doesn’t agree. It’s automatic. There’s no ability to change that.

If a couple in the UK separate and one of them wants to live abroad and take the children, they can apply to the court for permission to go and the children’s best interests are considered. It’s not about an automatic loss of custody simply because you’re a woman. You may not be able to take the children abroad, but it’s not because you automatically lose custody of the children because you’re a woman.

Your comments about DD's pursuit of extremes are interesting OP, and in addition to making her choice more "explainable" it could also mean she'll be less open to a thoughtful conversation about the whole issue

This kind of experimentation often happens while young people find their way in life, but right now she doesn't sound mature enough to be married at all, never mind entering a cross cultural one where a mistake could prove very costly

Of course, like anyone else muslim men vary, but what he seems to be on the basis of a short relationship in the UK could change into something very different when within his own culture, and PPs have already mentioned the many potential pitfalls

So I guess all you can do is stress that your concern is all about her long term happiness and otherwise keep your fingers firmly crossed

Honestly the DD is risking a lot on her personal freedom

What’s her current relationship like with her father? This certainly snacks of daddy issues doesn’t it? I would be extremely worried but there really is nothing you can do. Perhaps buy her a head scarf for Christmas and try abd prepare her as best you can for the culture difference once she gets there.

OP, you stated that she wants to be an "active mom", but how can she do that in Qatar with her rights so severely restricted? There are red flags all over the place with this guy and I doubt he will allow her much freedom.

I think you are going to have to be blunt with her. If she feels restricted by her own routines now, I can only imagine how much worse it will be once she is this guy's wife.

and even more so, that it’s not beyond, even concepts of ‘losing’ custody in the first place, because any rights of decision-making about her children were never accessible to her to begin with under Qatari law.

Do you know the reason(s) she broke up with the previous two boyfriends? How long did the relationships last compared to how long this relationship has been to now?

Worst case scenario is he could divorce her down the line when they have children, and she'd lose her residency, so she's affectively lose her children completely.
Of course, he might be a lovely man who wouldn't do anything like that - the point is though that he could.

Main thing is that she has limited legal protection to up and leave if things go wrong.

In a lot of cases, the issue is with the in-laws, they tend to be heavy handed. Not just in Muslim cultures either!

Daddy issues

Yep - most cultures globally have far more intense family dynamics, and stronger expectations, than the average UK family I would say.

Has she asked him if she will be the only wife? Or if he has other wives. She needs to be aware this could be an option.

I'll probably get blased for saying this, but she's likely to be treated like a dog. Based off my own experience with someone of the same culture

White British women can leave their abusive husbands. The courts in the UK are usually in favour of the mother. In the Middle East, men have full authority over their children and if he wants to take his children away from their mother then the laws over there will be on his side.

OP’s daughter will lose all the rights she has in the UK if she moves away. Even if she stays in the UK, the man can take their children abroad and never return.

Ask your DD what is in it for her if she goes ahead.
See what she says then point out all the obvious disadvantages:
Long way from family support
Long way from friends
Possible difficulty finding job so financially dependent on a man (does a woman in the 21st century really want to start out her adult life like a 1950s woman?)
It's very hot in Qatar so outdoor exercise is difficult, or even just being outdoors, does she really want to live in an AC box?
What would she actually do with her time all day?
Does she know anything about education in Qatar - for the DC she plans to have
There must be lots of others.
In your position I would spell out the reservations and disapproval - she needs to know she does not have her mother's blessing for such a decision, even if it is her decision to make

I would be absolutely frantic with worry OP. The problem is that if she makes the decision to go, and the relationship doesn’t work out, she isn’t protected. At best she will be able to return to the UK without her children, at work she’ll be stuck.

21 is so young and impressionable, but I also remember being that age and in love.

The fact that she’s saying she doesn’t plan to convert to Islam and will continue to celebrate Christmas just shows how naive she is. Even if her partners family are lovely and treat her well to start with, they will have their limits. If she doesn’t comply, they will turn on her. On the assumption that your DD is a white British woman, they’re likely to view her as lesser than them.

I think if this were me, I’d have a discussion with her to explain that while you support her absolutely, you have some reservations. Explain all of the risks that people have been through on this thread. Tell her that you expect her to meet with an Imam in this country to find out about what would be expected of her as a Muslim wife. She needs to understand the marriage contract - what is written in this and can it be negotiated. You all need to go out and visit his family. You need to meet with his female relatives and ask them questions. If they don’t speak English you need an independent interpreter. She needs to understand what will be required of her when it comes to children. Will she be able to raise them as being exposed to her British culture or will that be prohibited? Perhaps the answer won’t matter to her but it’s better to know in advance.

She just needs to fully understand what she’s getting herself into. It doesn’t sound like she does at present.

The other thing to add is that it’s very easy to be persuaded by the glitzy expat lifestyle that is portrayed in these places - but she’s not a true expat because it’s her partners home country. She’ll be living as a local, not lauding it up in 5 star hotels drinking cocktails and overlooking the skyline.

It's very hot in Qatar so outdoor exercise is difficult, or even just being outdoors, does she really want to live in an AC box?
What would she actually do with her time all day?
Does she know anything about education in Qatar - for the DC she plans to have

Tbf, it's very hot in summer - there are some very pleasant months and winter can actually feel chilly if you're used to the highter temperatures. And the education is pretty good, with women actually making up the majority of graduates.

But there are still the pitfalls, of course.

The fact that she’s saying she doesn’t plan to convert to Islam and will continue to celebrate Christmas just shows how naive she is

the in-laws are not gonna like that, you can’t even celebrate Xmas in so-called British schools in Qatar, they get triggered by mention of Christmas, it’s always ‘festive season’ this and ‘cozy winter’ that

Her first boyfriend was about a year, he broke up with her, I'm not sure of the exact reasons but I think he got a bit fed up of dating someone who was in Y12/Y13. Her second boyfriend was a little over a year, she broke up with him as he was bad at communicating, tended to put his friends first and stopped spending as much time with her as she would like. It does make me nervous that they haven't reached the year mark yet and so far her relationships haven't survived past that. She's never even lived with a partner before!

She can probably write that into the Nikah contract.

She broke up with (her second boyfriend) as he was bad at communicating, tended to put his friends first and stopped spending as much time with her as she would like

So while of course he could be a model husband, has she considered the risk that this one might revert to being exactly like that once back within his own culture ... only with even worse consequences, because at least in the UK she had more options?