We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

The comment that it isn't a man's job to look after his own child, and her refusal to interrupt SIL's working day suggest that her tantrum didn't come so much from genuine panic and fear for the dog as it is from possessiveness over her son and jealousy of the family he's chosen to build. If she was just worried about the dog, she would have called her daughter - not repeatedly rung her son's phone knowing he was miles away at his child's hospital appointment. It's about power and control, not the dog.

I disagree.
MIL could have phoned SIL but chose not to.

OP offered to assist with booking/paying for transport and offered to sort out an emergency vet. MIL was being obstinate. I understand she was worried about her dog but there were a number of perfectly reasonable options available to her which she rejected.

I understand her fear and panic about the dog, if the situation was really that urgent, but the whole wider picture and things she said aren't okay. Enjoy your quiet Boxing Day. Leave her to her son from now on. She's made it clear where you stand, so you can opt out.

And now you have a delightful Boxing Day free of any obligation!

She sounds about 5. Backkkkkkk awayyyyyyy

Mysterious how she's never managed to maintain a relationship, eh? I swear some women have kids because they can't find people who'll put up with them unless they've bred them.

Do something fun with the dc and dh for Boxing Day; something you have to book and pay for so you won't back out. Any shows playing locally that the kids would like? Sporting events? Have a great time.

(I do love dogs. I do hope the dog is ok).

Ooh another one who thinks that she should be his MummyWife.

What is it about certain mothers of sons that think that their sons should be theirs first and foremost?! Its fucking crazy and frankly creepy as hell.

I say this as a mother of two sons myself!

classic narcissist behaviour she’s done you both a favour

Whoop whoop, trash took itself out. Enjoy the peace whilst it lasts.

Was your daughters appt routine, could it have been rearranged 🤔

Just picturing the DH walking up to the receptionist and stating “Sorry, I’m going to have to re-arrange the appointment we are due to have with the consultant in the next 10 minutes. My mum’s dog is sick”.

Fucking batshit.

How did she get the dog to the vet in the end?

She sounds very manipulative. Just say that’s fine MIL. We will have a lovely quiet family day at home.

Doesn’t explain it - she would’ve called the daughter if it was motivated by panic to save the dog (who, I can bet, likely wasn’t even urgently ill - or is already very old and ill so she should be well prepared). She’s a wicked witch and op should just cease to engage with her self-motivated crap and leave her husband to deal with it - or better still, show the woman what it actually looks like to have her precious son taken away from her.

edited to say I’m not disagreeing with this poster, I agree - let her spend Boxing Day alone

Are you fucking serious?!

Rearrange a childs hospital appointment because Demanding Mother didnt consider whether she could adequately care for her own pet and refused to consider any other option than MY SON! sorting it out for her?

Fuck that. She has a daughter she could have asked but no, DD was at work and would probably have simply told her to book a call out. Far better for her narc supply to have MY SON! drop his own child in favour of her because she means so much more to him.

Except she doesnt and is now have a tantrum. Good, its about time she fucking learned.

Do all your clothes have WELCOME printed on them?

How did she get the dog to the vet in the end?

Very good question @CalliopeFosterBeauchamp

Correct.
Imagine the peace OP. No MIL interfering. Sounds like heaven.

FFS

Imagine thinking your sick dog takes precedence over your sick grandchild.

MIL sounds completely deranged, frankly, and unaccepting that her grown up son now has a family and responsibilities of his own, regardless of the fact she gave birth to him decades ago.

I'd wish her well and refuse to see her over the holidays at all until and unless a sincere apology is offered up to OP.

So essentially, she thought her grandchild‘s appointment should be cancelled in favour of her dog. I’m also disgusted that she thinks she should come before you in terms of her son’s priorities. She will never change.

In this case, I think Christmas has come early for you so enjoy!

It looks like she was in a real panic about her dog and didn't know what to do. You didn't say in your OP what was wrong the the dog.
From what you say, she was in a real state and saying things she didn't really mean.
I don't think it's helpful to create a thread about it on MN, in the expectation people will slag off your MIL.
I think she said what she said because she was upset and out of control. I doubt she meant it about Christmas.

I get what you mean, but sometimes when you buy a dog, you can be quite capable of lifting it, but due to age/injury not be able to, so I can't blame her for that.
As for an emergency vet coming round, when my dog was seriously ill, none would, so paying for that isn't necessarily an option. Depending how far the hospital was, I would have tried to get someone else to pick up my child from school so I could help with the dog (obviously if one of my children needs to go to hospital, that comes first, but I would try to get someone else to pick up the other child if that means I could help)-I can sympathise if her dog was in agony and seriously ill. People can say all kind of mean things when they're stressed, but to me it depends if this is a one-off. If MIL has always been polite before, I could easily forgive this. The issue is if there's been problems before.

I think she really does think you will all cave and flock around begging to be invited back and apologising. She also thinks in a pick me competition, your DH will pick her in the end. She obviously has delusions of grandeur and a big ego and unfortunately those things can be pretty hard to knock out of someone -they have to actually acknowledge they are wrong first.
Fortunately, you seem to have a good egg in your DH who will back you against his DM craziness and demands. Take her at her word and enjoy your peaceful Christmas. Long may it last.

I wonder at what point the bashing of other women, particularly mothers in law, will be called out for the misogyny that it is.

I'm sick of the bashing of other women, particularly older women, and the total lack of understanding of the issues older women have, like memory recall, dementia, physical frailty, depression, and the panic of not being able to manage crises due to any of the above.

It's all very sad.

Calling out someone for being selfish and manipulative does not become misogyny just because that selfish manipulator is a woman.

NEWSFLASH! Women can be fucking arseholes too and its ok to acknowledge that.

So you think it's acceptable that the OP was berated, had a go at, disinvited from boxing day wamted her DS to leave a hospital appointment (which would have taken weeks if not months to get) and not checked on her GC hospital appointment because she's an older woman who was upset about her dog? I'm a dog owner btw but she doesn't come above children.

Age doesn't excuse poor behaviour my mum certainly wouldn't as a widow pensioner.