We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

It's the lack of understanding and compassion from people for older women.

Age causes all sorts of problems from frailty to anxiety, etc etc. I think it would be better for everyone's mental health to cut aging women some slack.

My own mother was far from perfect but was in a difficult situation not of her own making and so I let stuff slide because I understood this was borne out of those difficulties. I didn't judge her because until I walk in her shoes I don't know whether I could do it any better.

See, OP, what you should have done, plainly, is foreseen that your MIL might need Her Son, so that you took your oldest child to hospital and stayed with her while arranging for some other woman (because no man can be expected to put himself out to help) to pick up your youngest. That was Her Son could go to see her and stay with her as long as she feels she needs him and leave you to juggle your children. You're just not trying.

And if she was at all rude in the process, slack must be cut, as older woman can be frail, anxious, worried, so you must completely forget about yourself (although also a woman) as if not, you are clearly a massive misogynist.

Have you read the whole thread? This isn’t a case of a confused, frail old lady asking for help and being ‘bashed’ for it. It’s a selfish mother who is trying to drive a wedge between her son and his wife by getting him to choose her over his family.

It’s just not right that she wants to be treated as an equal with her son’s wife (and I speak as a MIL myself) or that she expects him to drop the important job he was doing with his child to deal with her incident.

If there’s any misogyny going on it’s MIL herself who thinks that children’s appointments are all ‘women’s work’ and blames her DIL for the fact her son didn’t attend to her crisis.

She Is just looking for an opportunity to say ‘Look he picked me - this shows I’m as important as you’. She didn’t get it so she’s throwing her toys out of the pram and lashing out at her DIL to ‘punish’ her for the crime of being her husband’s priority. I don’t say this often but it’s quite weird behaviour.

Or the behaviour of someone who is desperate to get their dog to the vet and needs some support and is finding it increasingly difficult to do things.

Thought same... 😁😂

That explains the original incident. It in no way explains or excuses excluding her DIL from Boxing Day when her son (the person who actually didn’t do what she wanted him to do) is included. It also doesn’t excuse the fact that she hasn’t even enquired about the health of her grandchild.

The behaviour during the incident can be put down to stress and panic I agree, even though I still think it was very poor, but the behaviour since then is inexcusable.

Maybe she is feeling desperate and is struggling, yes. The way to deal with that is to be honest that you are struggling and try to build a network of multiple different people to call on.

The way to deal with that is not to rely solely on your son, berate your DIL for npt making your son drop everything, uninvite her, and tell her that you were there first and should be an equal priority on a par with wife and kids.

Eh? Not her role to provide solutions.MIL needs to get herself to the vet.

How does she think it’s reasonable to expect her son to leave a child’s hospital appointment but not her daughter to leave work? That’s priorities all messed up there.
Don’t forgive her so easily this time op, her behaviour is awful. I understand her panicking but to not ring her daughter and take it out on you is ridiculous.

They were at the hospital? You cannot walk out of a hospital apt/cancel a few minutes beforehand and expect to be rescheduled within a timely manner. Who puts their dogs medical apt before their child’s anyway?!

Fair point..I suppose her feelings of panic made her resentful afterwards. Sort of ...they werent there when i needed them.so f* them..

How far does your MIL live from you?
Could you have collected your dc and walked to her home for example and then taken a taxi to the vet?

I'm failing to see the downside!

Less chaos for you.

Oh ffs!

She’s probably in her 60s! As am I, and I a) am self sufficient b) moved about 300lbs of mulch today after working a full shift at my FT job and c) have held a driving license for the past 45 years!

When I had pets i made sure they were of a manageable size & that I had plenty of backup care. There are dog walkers & sitters on Rover, for example, who could be retained as emergency helpers.

OP’s nasty MiL isn’t even trying. I hope she sits alone on Boxing Day.

Totally agree with you. My own mother has used similar tactics in the past…it’s manipulative behaviour and it worked for her in the past, until everyone in the family had been subjected to it and realised it was pure drama and foot stamping because she didn’t get her own way and immediate attention.
I hope the dog has received care even if she had to call out an emergency vet. This is the type of cost you have to build in to being the owner of a pet.
OP, I know it’s easy for me to say this but try not to let this spoil your Christmas and enjoy Boxing Day with your immediate family. ❤️

She's the usual jealous MIL, and now she's got an excuse not to have to see you. Your husband should cut her off, for a few months at least, until she realises he's her son, not her bloody boyfriend.

FWIW I am 52 and a defacto MIL.

None of my children are married but three of them have long term partners that they live with. They are childless by choice but my eldest two children have a lot of friends the same age with children.

So no, not all Mothers in Law are frail helpless old ladies.

But more than a couple are selfish manipulative women who hate that the child they designated "emotional support child" has chosen a different life than the one they decided that child should have.

Just look at this one thread alone to see how these women operate.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5456551-to-tell-them-not-to-bother-coming-for-xmas?latest=1

And if you cancel the routine appointment for any reason you can wait months for another appointment.
Am an animal lover but would never expect anyone to leave a hospital appointment to facilitate taking me and my dog to the vet. Anyone who is responsible for an animal knows very well that the privilege incurs expense. She should have at hand, the phone number of an emergency vet.

Leave her to it; you and DH did everything you could and she was rude and stupid.

She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!! This would be extra incentive for me to distance myself; no one needs extra misogyny in their life. Leave her to huff if she wants. Make alternate plans for Boxing Day, even if it's a lazy one at home, and stick to them. When she starts speaking to your DH again - which she will as soon as she "needs" something - perhaps he can kindly and gently explain to her where babies come from.

I don’t know what the cause is but my mother resented both my SILs who were great mothers and good wives. To quote her “why is she sitting there in that big fancy house paid for by MY SON.”
There is definitely something far wrong with them. I suspect they may feel a lack of control when their AC leave the family home. Who knows…but they are difficult to manage.

Batshit!! If taking his own DCs to a hospital appointment ‘isn’t a man’s job’ then I assume taking someone else’s dog to the vet most definitely isn’t!!

Great result for Boxing Day though! Don’t go, she needs to learn her actions and words have consequences.

She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

On top of the obvious batshit, this would have done me in. I’d just say fine, and leave her to her Boxing Day and all the following ones. I couldn’t put up with this.

Wtf????

She called her son, he didn't answer (for very good reason) and that is somehow your fault?

Regardless of how this situation all ends, I would genuinely never ever answer a call from her again. You basically got all this shit because you were the only one out of her precious family that was able to answer the phone.

Is your DH absolutely fuming at his Mum? This is literally insane.

Sounds like all her true feelings towards the OP came tumbling out. Enjoy a lovely (peaceful) Boxing Day OP!