We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

People like this will never have even an inkling of how ridiculous their behaviour is until someone stands up to them.

This is the golden opportunity for your DH to calmly say ‘DM I love you, but you have asked me to choose between you and my DW so there is only going to be one outcome of that. My family and I will be staying at home on Boxing Day this year. DSis and I will see you in the New Year to discuss getting support in place for you.’

As pp said, it’s really important your DH and his sister do this, because MIL needs to be able to deal with her own emergencies as far as humanly possible and take ‘no’ for an answer when her family can’t help.

You won’t ever get an apology or admission of wrongdoing from MIL but she will know there are lines that can’t be crossed.

I had to do this with my DM and I bloody wish I’d done it sooner - our relationship is much better now she knows I can enforce a boundary.

You sound like a saint op.

So she thinks the dog's medical appointment is more important than the child's? I could never forgive that.

Your DH sounds like a decent guy. I hope all is well with your DC.

Oh dear. She's panicking because of the dog being ill, and can't see beyond that. I've noticed how my elderly DM treats almost everything that she needs, not as an 'emergency' as such, but in a kind of panic. This is because she's got NOTHING ELSE to focus on. If I call her, she answers the phone in what sounds like a blind panic 'tone', when it's nothing of the sort - just a normal phone call. Things that get her into an absolute tizzy, can be tiny, like being unable to sort something on her computer (I do feel her pain with that one and I know she tries), or if she asks me to do something, I get asked repeatedly whether I've done it (not usually important), and I have to tell her its at the top of my TTD list but I have other things I need to do first. Drives me insane, but I guess we all get old. In your situation I'd just let your DH deal with her and be whooping at having a Boxing Day off. There are mobile vets around these days and I think that may be the answer for her, if she has an elderly/ailing dog. Just make sure she has the number handy and forget her for a bit.

This happened to me when my dog was so unwell he couldn’t get into a taxi with me to go to the vets. Husband and sons all at work. I got a home visit.

She sounds like a complete twat. What a gift that you don’t have to waste your Boxing Day with her!

Why would it not be the full context of the story? Sounds believable to me

She is Batshit OP. Enjoy your Boxing Day without that crap!

She’s a total Drama Llama. As a grown adult, she’s perfectly capable of managing stuff herself but chooses to use your DH to undermine YOU.

Don’t allow her to manipulate you like that.

DH needs to firmly tell her to F-off until she apologises to you properly and treats you respectfully at all times from now on.

She’ll cave long before you do.

Seems to be an unpopular post but I agree with this. Very few cabs take Dogs and also if the Dog was too heavy for her to carry they probably wouldn't have took her. It must have been really frightening for MIL if she couldn't get her Dog to the vet in emergency so no wonder she flipped. if her Dog had eaten something it shouldn't have eaten, like chocolate, time is of the essence and the Dog must be seen by the vet within 2 hours or it can be fatal. Maybe when he used okay she will change her mind about Boxing Day. Was your daughters appt routine, could it have been rearranged 🤔

Well, at least you know how she really feels about you!

I'm glad your DH stood his ground, but something is definitely niggling there, I would imagine than in the past he has enabled this type of relationship with her, pandered to it or maybe even enjoyed being the one needed in a crisis.

She doesn't believe that he has CHOSEN to prioiritise someone else over her so she has no where to go but to blame you, it really is quite the insight into their relationship, the proof will be whether he insists that she apologise to you.. because nothing should resume as before until she does that, she was completely out of line, and even further out of line by disinviting just you from Christmas.

If he doesn't then you know where you stand in the pecking order.

YABU to care that the daft cow won't see you on Boxing Day. I would think youd be punching the air for joy.

Oh I wish mil would give me such an excuse to not have to take her at her word. Enjoy the peace for a while!!

Have you tried to get an NHS hospital appointment recently? Does this not suggest an ongoing medical issue even if it was routine?

The dog probably needs to be in a home where it can be properly cared for. MIL is apparently unfit to do so alone.

If she does try to reconcile I would sit her down and say "Look, the dog is not getting any younger. You need to have a plan for emergecies that doesn't rely on us, because we work, we have kids to attend to, and OP doesn't drive either. You need to investigate Uber, or someone local (maybe check with churches, or off-duty police/medics, or local uni students, or whatever) to have a roster of people who can provide emergency transport for a fee. We can't drop what we are doing if the dog takes ill. It's your responsibility to figure it out."

Panicking about the dog is one thing, but her follow-up responses are manipulative and downright cruel.

Your DH is a parent himself, and nothing should be more important to him than the health, safety and well-being of his own children.

I would be seriously concerned about the mental capacity of a grandparent who expected a child’s hospital visit to be abandoned in favour of a dog’s vet trip.

Glad to hear your husband is not planning to appease MIL by visiting on Boxing Day. I wouldn’t go even if she changes her mind about you- she needs to understand that DH’s priority is his own children.

How is the MILs dog situation the OP problem to solve? Why should they have to rearrange a hospital appointment even if it’s routine. Their DC come first. MIL should have a back up plan for these situations, having a young family is stressful and busy. MIL needs to come up with solutions not the OP

Although her dog was ill, deep down she knows she behaved rotten
I mean, what about your husbands appointment at hospital, he wasn't there for his afternoon tea was he?
My guess is that she's one of those MILs who feel they should be in the centre of YOUR marriage to her son, and so when she gets the chance to she over reacts completely to 'stake her place'
Sod Boxing day at hers. Leave her to get on with it
I can guarantee something else will occur again and however 'nice' she may usually be you like cut of cold shoulder do you?

Does she have dementia ?

This is why vets do home visits.

Don’t be so silly. 😂

If she doesn’t drive, she should sort out a network of friends and neighbours to help her out. That’s what other normal people do.

My DH doesn’t drive so if I need to visit a hospital, I have to ask friends to help me out.

Her son has his own family to look after. They should take priority, not his daft mother and her dog.

Oh for goodness sake! Her DH was already at the hospital, presumably at the appointment with their DC! And routine appointments can be bloody hard to get sometimes (and can occasionally root out problems, as I found out myself last year.) OP offered to pay for a vet to visit as well as offering to pay for a taxi.

Are you one of those people who think dogs are better than humans?

Rearranging an NHS hospital appointment for your child because your MIL’s dog is poorly and she doesn’t drive. Christ alive.

The dog is MIL’s problem to sort. If she doesn’t drive, she should have emergency plans sorted. Relying on her son to be her stand in partner is not that.

The fact she wanted her dog put above DGC means I’d never rant to see her again anyway, even if she did apologise. Vile old bat.

Have yourself a lovely boxing day without her. Sounds like she's done you a favour. I'm glad your dh has stuck up for you and won't be going either. I wouldn't bother with any contact until you receive an apology. It sounds like that won't be forthcoming, so enjoy your peace.