We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

It is relevant. Schools have a duty to safeguard children until they are collected from their care. Every school has to have a procedure for this.

If it’s not a man’s job to take their child to a hospital appointment then it’s definitely not a man’s job to take him mother and her dog to the vets!
Enjoy your Boxing Day away from her!

Going to the GP isn't the same as an emergency trip - and picking up groceries or a prescription isn't either.

The reason you are struggling with this is you refuse to believe it was an emergency. And maybe it wasn't (unless I've missed op's updates we don't know)

But the discussion you have leapt into was predicated upon the notion that it was. I clearly stated in an emergency.

You just wouldn't let it lie...

Which is generally call out of hours ss, who will get a duty call re an abandoned child, who would prob then be accommodated and child protection investigation launched.
but phew! as long as MIL gets her demands met and SIL not disturbed from her job!

I was asked to explain my reasoning.

I still would try and help in an emergency. You might not - that's up to you.

But the opinion of people who would is relevant to the MIL's reaction.

sigh

Did you read the OP's posts? If you had you would have noted that the MIL could have called her daughter who drives to help her but she didnt want to, she only wanted her son to help her. Then she had a go at the OP for not being able to get hold of her son. The daughter drove her in the end so there was nothing the OP could have done. Vets will also come out in emergencies but she didnt want to pay for it presumably.

Therefore, no, it wasnt an emergency. In a true emergency you wouldnt be so picky about who helped you.

The reason you are struggling with this is you refuse to believe it was an emergency.

In an emergency wouldn't you ring everyone you knew who could help, as opposed to focusing on someone you knew wasn't able to ? If you usually rely on a neighbour but knew they were in Greece, would you ring them ? or would you go to plan B ?

No it isn't, because the MiL knows that the OP cannot drive a car. So why is she the one uninvited to Boxing Day?

Well now you see the relevance of my delayed train story - it was to say that's not what happens if you ring and say "I am on my way, this is why I am late."

No ss, no, accommodation, no child protection.

They simply said: "don't worry these things happen, thank you for letting us know. Another child's parent has been delayed by the same issue and we will take care of them both until you can get here."

That's the undramatised reality.

But we seem to feel we live in totally different worlds so let's leave it there.

You are jumping in without following the predication on which the statement was made, which was made when I thought she COULD drive.

You are right, if she can't she can't. I've said that several times.

It became a hypothetical discussion about what could be done if she could drive, but I'm leaving it there because it's clearly confusing things.

Again, exactly what did you expect OP to do in this scenario bearing in mind she does. not. drive.

Oh no. You said the opinion of people who would help in an emergency is relevant to the MIL's reaction to this specific circumstance. You want to leave it there because you can't tell me how.

I expected her to do exactly what she did.

I'm not going to expect you to read the thread to see how this discussion bifurcated, I'll just say it did, and I was answering something different.

But I agree with you 100 percent: in the circumstances she could not drive, no one could have expected her to help.

I’d just like to point out that the MIL didn’t want the OP’s help in getting the dog to the vet. The only thing she wanted from the OP was for her to call her DH and tell him to abandon their DC’s hospital appointment and rush to his mother’s aid.

So they’d say “don’t worry we have another child here with a selfish dramatic grandma who puts her daughters work above her dgc whos in hospital, come whenever!”

Exactly. This was about him proving to her that she is the number one priority in his life which of course she is, rightly, not.

So then why did you say: "I still would try and help in an emergency. You might not - that's up to you."?

I read it with a haughty sniff.

Yes, sigh.

This became a discussion within a discussion.

Please see above: if the DIL couldn't drive she could not help.

That is key.

It's also why I don't know why the op didn't put that right up front in her op.

The discussion was about a different scenario, which I thought could be dealt with concisely in a single post to answer a poster's question but because people picked up on it out of context it is derailing the thread, which is why I don't want to answer further.

Me too- it comes across as "I'm a better person than you"

So the penny's finally dropped then...

Don’t forget the self righteous “le sigh”…

I still would try and help in an emergency. You might not - that's up to you.

To be fair, OP did try and help by offering to pay for a taxi or a vet visit at home, she can't drive and had to pick up a child from school,so she offered what she thought were fairly sensible solutions to the problem that would get the issue sorted for MIL in the shortest possible time-frame. DH was miles away at hospital with his child ( which MIL knew ) and SIL was at work and so according to MIL not contactable, even in an emergency.

🤣
I just donated to charity. If you don’t want to, that’s up to you.

sniff