Page 16 | We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

Greyspiders · 2025-12-10T16:27:31+00:00

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her. Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!! I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok. She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ . AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

Dymaxion · 11/12/2025 19:40

I can understand the initial panic and the way she spoke to OP during the crisis,not an excuse but a reason, but when DH rang and spoke with her which will have been much later, with the dog safely at the vets, that's when MIL decided to throw in that OP was now disinvited to visit on Boxing day. The issue isn't her flapping, understandably, about her sick dog, the issue is that she has decided to use this as an excuse to try and get her Son to visit without OP, which is a shitty thing to do and has backfired on her because now no-one from their family will be visiting !

localnotail · 11/12/2025 19:41

So she is bothered by her dog being unwell but not by her grandchild being in hospital. What a lovely woman she is.

Could your blessings and have a MIL free Christmas.

Usernamenotav · 11/12/2025 19:45

My bet is that she will changed her mind regarding boxing day, and you will go.
Stop enabling her and letting her get away with this nonsense.
I wouldn't be stepping foot in her house without a sincere apology.

And the hospital appointment not being a man's job? I'd have her for that!
I hope your husband sticks up for you.

BMW6 · 11/12/2025 19:53

BuildbyNumbere · 11/12/2025 18:53

Because I can

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Juvenile fool

figgyboos · 11/12/2025 20:05

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 19:19

I agree op, she was in panic mode.

Dogs can have emergencies if they have eaten something etc (often be there and have the emetic administered within the hour), and for people who can't drive it is traumatic as it needs attending to fast but there are no ambulance services for it.

Of course she was being irrational, but she felt helpless and abandoned in her moment of need.

I would call and ask about the dog. She may have calmed down if she got the help he needed.

But while you don't need to feel guilty, and she was overreacting, I think it would be harsh to hold it against her. People love their pets. Imagine how you'd have acted if you needed help to get your child to hospital. Other people's "can'ts" don't feel good enough in an emergency.

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Apparently she did calm down and the dog got help.

But the MIL never once even asked how her DGC went at the hospital and then proceeded to ban OP from Boxing Day,

Thats not the actions of someone merely affected by momentary panic. Thats someone being a manipulative, nasty bitch.

HarbourClankCat · 11/12/2025 20:07

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 19:31

No because it turns out the op can't drive.

BUT if she could, I can see why the MIL might have thought an emergency could have been sufficient to ask for the child to stay on. I have had to do that once because of a train delay from London that was beyond my control so these things happen and schools DO have provision for it.

In all honesty, if I were the MIL and it really was an emergency (which we don't actually know) I probably would have hoped the OP would help, yes.

That isn't "prioritising" the dog unless the dc were also in an emergency. There's your like for like.

If you were walking your dc to school and saw another child hit by a bus, would you "prioritise" your dc getting to school on time or stop and assist the child?

But it's all moot, as op had no way of getting there either.

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What an odd response.

”If the OP could drive” But she can’t. I imagine the MIL would know that.

“I have had to do that once because of a train delay from London…” Good for you. We don’t all live in your world and it’s weird when people apply specific incidences of their own life to a problem to claim it was easy to fix. If I did the same to you, I live in a village, not London, with no after school club. In an emergency school certainly wouldn't hold on to my child while I drove 30 mins (and back) to my lovely MIL (while visiting a vet in the middle).

Where on earth were you going with this? “If you were walking your dc to school and saw another child hit by a bus, would you "prioritise" your dc getting to school”. That reach is reaching very hard!

HarbourClankCat · 11/12/2025 20:13

My mum was like this. It was always a debate between what was genuine and what was manipulation (and often there was crossover).

I think a good job for your husband might be to do a bit of prep on numbers she can call (taxis etc), local groups (Facebook where she lives), out of hours vets (home visiting vets - they do exist!). I did this (found nice plumbers, mechanics, taxi drivers etc), and it did save me a bit of (not all!) drama. Good luck!

AgnesX · 11/12/2025 20:17

She was probably panicking because of the dog especially if she's on her own.

There's no excuse for what she said though and hopefully once she's calmed down a bit she'll apologise. Profusely.os just seen your update sorry. Old baggage.

henrythe8thandhissyphiliticcodpiece · 11/12/2025 20:18

HarbourClankCat · 11/12/2025 20:07

What an odd response.

”If the OP could drive” But she can’t. I imagine the MIL would know that.

“I have had to do that once because of a train delay from London…” Good for you. We don’t all live in your world and it’s weird when people apply specific incidences of their own life to a problem to claim it was easy to fix. If I did the same to you, I live in a village, not London, with no after school club. In an emergency school certainly wouldn't hold on to my child while I drove 30 mins (and back) to my lovely MIL (while visiting a vet in the middle).

Where on earth were you going with this? “If you were walking your dc to school and saw another child hit by a bus, would you "prioritise" your dc getting to school”. That reach is reaching very hard!

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I agree- I dont know why people jump in with stupid random scenarios from their own life that have zero relevance to the OP's situation.

My children's school wouldnt have been able to watch them after school either. But hey, who cares eh?- let's just plough on with completely irrelevant tales from my own life that offer zero help to anyone whatsoever so I can continue to tut at the OP for not having life circumstances exactly like mine!

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:18

HarbourClankCat · 11/12/2025 20:07

What an odd response.

”If the OP could drive” But she can’t. I imagine the MIL would know that.

“I have had to do that once because of a train delay from London…” Good for you. We don’t all live in your world and it’s weird when people apply specific incidences of their own life to a problem to claim it was easy to fix. If I did the same to you, I live in a village, not London, with no after school club. In an emergency school certainly wouldn't hold on to my child while I drove 30 mins (and back) to my lovely MIL (while visiting a vet in the middle).

Where on earth were you going with this? “If you were walking your dc to school and saw another child hit by a bus, would you "prioritise" your dc getting to school”. That reach is reaching very hard!

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Well exactly and if you read carefully I was saying it was moot because the op couldn't drive. It was because I responded to another poster's post agreeing with them before I saw op's post that she couldn't drive. After I did, I said to op if you couldn't drive, then you couldn't help. Someone then picked up on my earlier post and I was answering their specific questions on that.

I would personally try to help in a pet emergency if I were home and the only reason preventing me was a school pick up.

We don't actually know the op wouldn't have felt exactly the same, had she had the ability to do so.

I'm not sure the following points you have picked at are all that convoluted to follow.

I am simply saying that emergencies happen and schools do manage to look after children. If you were killed en route to collect your dc, they would find a way round it. You don't think a pet emergency is sufficient to make staff stay on a bit, but I do - especially as it wouldn't likely have been much too late if op was still just at home, not already en route. We are allowed to have different opinions on that.

The second point was emergencies do provoke most people to abandon their routine to assist.

henrythe8thandhissyphiliticcodpiece · 11/12/2025 20:20

If you were killed en route to collect your dc, they would find a way round it

A child's parent being killed en route to school would involve the police, ambulances, a family liaison officer and would likely be in the news, not to mention the child having to be told their parent was dead.

That is not remotely the same thing as an old woman taking her dog to the vet.

Dymaxion · 11/12/2025 20:22

Somebody mentioned dog walkers might be able to do a vet trip , would they be happy to do this if they weren't sure what was wrong with the dog ? I presume if the dog is fully up to date with all its vaccines, it might not be a problem but if not they probably wouldn't as it might be something contagious ?

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:27

henrythe8thandhissyphiliticcodpiece · 11/12/2025 20:20

If you were killed en route to collect your dc, they would find a way round it

A child's parent being killed en route to school would involve the police, ambulances, a family liaison officer and would likely be in the news, not to mention the child having to be told their parent was dead.

That is not remotely the same thing as an old woman taking her dog to the vet.

You are being obtuse.

If a parent rings and says I have to drop a dog to the vet in an emergency and will come straight on, schools manage.

The police would not be involved instantaneously. It takes time to get to the scene. establish identity etc. During that time, what do you imagine is happening at the school?

mistlethrush · 11/12/2025 20:28

You definitely need to arrange something for Boxing Day quickly... even if it's just a meet up with friends for a walk and lunch somewhere...

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:29

henrythe8thandhissyphiliticcodpiece · 11/12/2025 20:20

If you were killed en route to collect your dc, they would find a way round it

A child's parent being killed en route to school would involve the police, ambulances, a family liaison officer and would likely be in the news, not to mention the child having to be told their parent was dead.

That is not remotely the same thing as an old woman taking her dog to the vet.

And you make it sound as though it was for his annual routine check up.

If it was an emergency "an old lady taking her dog to the vet" is rather dismissive.

Willyoujust · 11/12/2025 20:31

How old is she? Maybe she’s got dementia?

Dymaxion · 11/12/2025 20:32

The second point was emergencies do provoke most people to abandon their routine to assist.

MIL decided to repeatedly ring someone she knew to be at a hospital with her grandchild. She chose not to ring the other person she could have asked, because they have a 'proper job' and decided to wait until that person had finished work for the day until calling them. SIL was in a position to abandon their routine to assist and had a car and the capability to drive her mother and dog to the vet. But it is still somehow OP's responsibility that neither DH or her SIL were available to help ?

pestowithwalnuts · 11/12/2025 20:32

What an awful woman. She sounds like a tantrumming toddler.
I think you offered all solutions available to you OP.
Hope you have a lovely peaceful boxing day

ThisLittlePony · 11/12/2025 20:33

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:27

You are being obtuse.

If a parent rings and says I have to drop a dog to the vet in an emergency and will come straight on, schools manage.

The police would not be involved instantaneously. It takes time to get to the scene. establish identity etc. During that time, what do you imagine is happening at the school?

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So tough luck on the staff and their lives and responsibilities? Having to wait how long till ops child picked up? The knock effect to their own families? Nope no one else matters, everyone else should be stressed and inconvenienced to meet the ranty, selfish demands of the mil so she doesn’t have to make any effort?

HarbourClankCat · 11/12/2025 20:37

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:27

You are being obtuse.

If a parent rings and says I have to drop a dog to the vet in an emergency and will come straight on, schools manage.

The police would not be involved instantaneously. It takes time to get to the scene. establish identity etc. During that time, what do you imagine is happening at the school?

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Wow. I had no idea teachers offered this service. As I said in previous post, no after school provision, my MIL is 30 minutes away in a different village, her vet is a good distance further on from there (she has a very loved cat. Do cats count in your scenario?). I’m looking at a 6.30 arrival at school. God bless teachers!

henrythe8thandhissyphiliticcodpiece · 11/12/2025 20:38

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:27

You are being obtuse.

If a parent rings and says I have to drop a dog to the vet in an emergency and will come straight on, schools manage.

The police would not be involved instantaneously. It takes time to get to the scene. establish identity etc. During that time, what do you imagine is happening at the school?

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No I am not- you are. You are saying you think a vet trip is justifiable for a school to take on responsibility for a child after school has closed.

No. It's not up to you to decide that, it's up to school policy. If this were the case kids would be left at school for all sorts of nonsense reasons "I had to take my grandma to the GP", "I've run out of food and had to do a shop", "I had to collect my nan's prescription from the pharmacy" blah blah blah

You also havent commented on the fact that this awful woman never once even enquired how her own grandchild is after their hospital visit

henrythe8thandhissyphiliticcodpiece · 11/12/2025 20:40

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:29

And you make it sound as though it was for his annual routine check up.

If it was an emergency "an old lady taking her dog to the vet" is rather dismissive.

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And you also forgot that the MIL could have EASILY rung her own daughter to help her but she chose not to.

Good grief.

Calliopespa · 11/12/2025 20:44

henrythe8thandhissyphiliticcodpiece · 11/12/2025 20:38

No I am not- you are. You are saying you think a vet trip is justifiable for a school to take on responsibility for a child after school has closed.

No. It's not up to you to decide that, it's up to school policy. If this were the case kids would be left at school for all sorts of nonsense reasons "I had to take my grandma to the GP", "I've run out of food and had to do a shop", "I had to collect my nan's prescription from the pharmacy" blah blah blah

You also havent commented on the fact that this awful woman never once even enquired how her own grandchild is after their hospital visit

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I also don't know why she didn't do that.

And that really is the issue: too many people who can't seem to manage to help in an emergency.

figgyboos · 11/12/2025 20:44

I would personally try to help in a pet emergency if I were home and the only reason preventing me was a school pick up

Why do you keep wanging on about this when the OP doesnt bloody drive.

Exactly what were you expecting her to do in this scenario? jog to the MIL's house, then hoist the dog onto her back and run to the vets with it, waited for it to be treated, then hoist it back on her back and jog back to the MIL's house.

OP does not drive so couldnt have done anything here.

TidyCyan · 11/12/2025 20:47

There has been so much irrelevant waffle on here this week. Ifs and buts and reasons why someone's post would be correct if only X Y and Z applied to the OP when they did not and do not.