We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

How? She doesn’t drive or have a car. The only driver is the son/OP’s DH who was at a hospital appointment with their child. MiL should have called the SIL (who she did eventually contact and who did take MIL/dog to the vet after work).

She doesn't have a car or drive. Thats why she offered to pay to assist with a taxi.

WTF else do you expect her to do???

But you only need to have read the thread title and first post to understand why the OP couldn't 'go round and help with the dog'. She can't drive and she had to pick a child up from school. It's all in her opening post. She was doing her best to come up with solutions, but the only one that her MIL was interested in was the husband abandoning his child's hospital appointment to rush to her side, which is insane.

Then why comment if you can’t be arsed to read the situation properly?

Unfortunately the OP did not say in her opening post that she doesn't herself drive/have a car which is where I suspect some of the YABU votes came from.

Not an excuse for not reading the rest and barrelling in, obviously!

Something worth bearing in mind is that as one ages the chemical signals of anxiety & panic become stronger so a panicky situation like trying to get a sick dg to the emergency vet when one has no transport feels much, much worse. Unfortunately for us, this is particularly likely to occur in women because menopause can leave one with chronically raised cortisol levels

No doubt some seniors with enviable equanimity will pop up to take issue with me but their experience does not disprove a common hormonal experience & they should feel very glad not to have to deal with those floods of panic.

When you're feeling a bit less (understandably) pissed off with her, maybe do a bit of googling for dog friendly taxi firms/ pet ambulances in her area, perhaps even print her off a list she can keep by the phone.

I have some sympathy for her because I don't drive & once found myself in similar circumstances when a dog I was looking after collapsed & became dead weight. I couldn't lift him to get him from the back garden to the kerb where I intended waiting for the one local taxi driver willing to take a dog. I was beside myself & asked a random bloke in the street for help. May every blessing available shower upon him, he picked up the poorly mutt, told me to lock up & follow him, put the dog in his van & drove us both to the vet. There aren't many like him though & old ladies might be v reasonably anxious about accosting randos.

Because I can

Oh ok, that was in a later post - she did say she had to pick a child up from school though in the first one which is in itself a pretty solid reason why she couldn't go, and she uses the word 'impossible' in the thread title so you'd think people would understand that she couldn't physically be there (and from later posts realise that the MIL didn't want OP any more than she wanted SIL - she'd decided only the dh would do!)

Wow op what a nasty bitch she is. Enjoy your Boxing Day at home even if she is genuine panicked you can’t be in 2 places at once also remember this situation next time she wants a favour. I cannot believe she thinks she should be equal to you and your dc. Very odd. Op she needs to apologise to you all but never let your guard down she’s shown her true colours now.

My paternal GM was like this. She had three sons but my DF was the one living at home with her when he met my DM. My DF made it clear from the start that my DM would always come first in his life. GM never forgave him for moving out to get married and always hated my DM. I should add that my DF was always good to her, provided her with a house and income and never got any thanks, she took him for granted.

I'd be buzzing I didn't have to spend boxing day with her!

But you look like a bit of a moron just asking random questions that have already been answered by the OP- its pointless

No matter how upset she was about her dog, her behaviour was completely inexcusable. Enjoy your Boxing Day and give her a wide berth.

It’s so sad. I have known quite a few women like this unfortunately. They wreak havoc on families. Mothers who refuse to let their sons go and become jealous of their partners. You can see it playing out like a slow car crash. The more frantically they hang on; the more distant their son and his family become. And the suffocating mothers end up with the very opposite outcome to the one they wanted.

Two of the women I am thinking of were highly intelligent too. But seemingly were without common sense or the ability to temper their emotions.

I agree op, she was in panic mode.

Dogs can have emergencies if they have eaten something etc (often be there and have the emetic administered within the hour), and for people who can't drive it is traumatic as it needs attending to fast but there are no ambulance services for it.

Of course she was being irrational, but she felt helpless and abandoned in her moment of need.

I would call and ask about the dog. She may have calmed down if she got the help he needed.

But while you don't need to feel guilty, and she was overreacting, I think it would be harsh to hold it against her. People love their pets. Imagine how you'd have acted if you needed help to get your child to hospital. Other people's "can'ts" don't feel good enough in an emergency.

If I'm totally honest, I don't entirely understand why you couldn't have gone and rung your dc's school to explain.

Emergencies can be life and death even for animals.

People can panic and make unreasonable demands in an emergency, without descending into insults, "i've had enough of you" and other aggressive, hatefuland spiteful utterances.

Those thoughts don't arise out of nowhere just because one is stressed out. They have to exist in the first place to be spoken aloud in duress.

I wouldn't be overlooking this, OP. It's like "in vino, veritas" except "in panic, veritas." Now you know what she really thinks of you.

She doesn't drive.

So you agree @Calliopespa with the MIL that is all ops fault? That op should not pick up her child, that the school staff should stay on who knows how long, or call ss re an unpicked up child, that it’s on op to organise things? Not the MIL or her own daughter? That daughters jobs more important than her DGC?

I don’t drive

Oh well that's a drip feed.

I'm not sure why you didn't mention that in the op where you only explained you were home but going to have to collect DC.

yes I've just found that update - but it would have been quite pertinent info for the op.

Not really, and it was mentioned early on in the thread.

OP offered to send and pay for a taxi, she offered to source a home visit from the vet. She suggested that MIL call MIL's daughter.

I take her at her word that she was not in a position to help the MIL, be it due to lack of car/driving license, another commitment or picking up her child at school. The MIL has an actual daughter she could have phoned. She just wanted her son to hop through her hoops.

No because it turns out the op can't drive.

BUT if she could, I can see why the MIL might have thought an emergency could have been sufficient to ask for the child to stay on. I have had to do that once because of a train delay from London that was beyond my control so these things happen and schools DO have provision for it.

In all honesty, if I were the MIL and it really was an emergency (which we don't actually know) I probably would have hoped the OP would help, yes.

That isn't "prioritising" the dog unless the dc were also in an emergency. There's your like for like.

If you were walking your dc to school and saw another child hit by a bus, would you "prioritise" your dc getting to school on time or stop and assist the child?

But it's all moot, as op had no way of getting there either.

How’s the dog op?

😂