We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

This is abusive behaviour. Block her number and let DH deal with her going forward.

This is abusive behaviour. Block her number and let DH deal with her going forward.

Her issue is that she's no longer the priority in her son's life. It could be coming from a purely selfish place of not being the center of attention anymore, or it could be coming from a more genuine place of her feeling abandoned/vulnerable and struggling to adjust to the new status quo.

Either way, she's decided that you're to blame and unless there's something you're not telling us, that's entirely unfair of her.

I'm sure she was genuinely upset about her dog so your husband telling her not to be dramatic was probably a poor choice of words.

As for Christmas, your DH is doing the right thing by not going if you're not invited. Unfortunately she'll see that as another case of him choosing you over her, or you standing between them.

The only solution to that is for your husband to have a very frank and clear conversation with her. He needs to put her straight that it is his choice to prioritize being a responsible husband and father first, not yours, and that doing so doesn't mean he sees her as a 'lesser' part of his family. You'll need to make the effort too, but ultimately it will come down to him drawing her a very clear picture of the way things are going to be moving forward, and her being willing to listen, accept and compromise.

These kind of fall outs can be awful, and affect not just you but your children and wider family. I hope you can find a resolution before it gets that far.

DH needs to have a good hard chat with her about her hysteria. He needs to explain that he is ALWAYS going to prioritise you and your kids over anyone else - including her, but most especially her bloody dog. It is not her place to decide gender roles in your family. He has chosen to be in a relationship with an equal partner and she needs to stop blaming you when she doesn’t get her way, or there will be consequences. This hysterical behaviour is pushing him and his family away.

Sounds like she went into a blind panic and took it out on you.
She should apologise.
At least you can have a boxing day to yourself though 😂

There are no 'routine' hospital appointments for children. Also, why couldn't MIL call her daughter at work? It's a lot easier to leave work for an emergency that it is to re-arrange a hospital appointment. OP's MIL is a rude selfish cow and, hopefully, if MIL changes her mind about Boxing Day, OP and her DH will tell her to shove it up her arse.

OP's MIL sounds like an old fashioned misogynist to me. Why is she just blaming OP and banning her from Boxing Day but still welcoming her son? What has OP done wrong? She actually told OP that taking children to a hospital appointment is not a 'man's job'. She also refused to disturb her daughter at work.

Now that the crisis is over, she hasn't even asked about the grandchild that had a hospital appointment. She is selfish and self-absorbed.

I had a grandparent who was a lot like this and my mum can be as well. I’ve had her ask me to go and do things for her in the evening even though I’m a single parent and would have to leave my own children alone to do so. I’ve fallen out with her at times over the myopic selfishness of the way I’m expected to drop everything to help even though it doesn’t flow the other way - if I asked for something as simple as a school pickup for one busy day I’d be paying for it for weeks emotionally (and we live close together and she’s retired, so it would not be a massive issue!)

I recognise this kind of behaviour and I also don’t think it’s quite as simple as ‘they are cheeky fuckers’ - people who act like this just haven’t really learned to cope very well with their own emotions and have always been able to just call someone who will prop them up. I’ve had friends like this as well come to think of if it! What I’ve learned is that setting firmer boundaries protects ME from constantly being everyone else’s go-to rescuer. Sorry me-railed a bit! I do hope the dog is alright though.

This, but you can tell that poster must have the same thought process as ops mil given the Maybe when he used okay she will change her mind about Boxing Day. Was your daughters appt routine, could it have been rearranged 🤔 as if op is desperately waiting to be reaccepted! And asking if the child’s medical appt could be rearranged?! Clearly not people who’ve waited months for a paediatric appt! Last one we went to was a 2hr drive away!

I haven’t read the full thread and am not excusing any poor behaviour on your MIL part but I was in a similar situation where my dog was ill and needed to go to the vets and my ex wouldn’t return the car. Taxis generally don’t take pets (and especially not poorly ones) so it wasn’t an option (I did try to book one) and he would have been too heavy to carry. It was very upsetting and stressful. Luckily for me, a kind neighbour came to my aid.

But she refused to call her daughter at work, so how desperate was she really? If it was a real panic about the dog, she wouldn’t have called her son over and over again knowing he was far away at the hospital with his child; she would have tried her daughter as well. This is a situation where she explicitly wanted her son - and only her son - to choose her over his wife and children. She left her daughter out of the situation entirely, so it wasn't really about helping the dog. It was about getting him to do what she wanted.

Otherwise, why invite him for Boxing Day but say the OP isn't welcome? The OP did everything she could to help the MIL. Why, after the dog has been seen and the emergency passed, would she still be angry at the OP? It's not about the dog, it's about wanting to be number one in her son's life.

She has the opinion that somehow SIL job is a real job as she goes out to work whereas as DH mostly works from home. SIL is also a single parent so MIL always says how her job is very important as she hasn’t got anyone to fall back on. She waited till SIL finished work then asked her to take her. She has a really strong opinion about what is a woman’s job and what is a mans job and she has always been irritated I’d say by dh doing anything to do with the dc ? I know she struggled being a SP but it’s like she struggled so thinks I should ? I met dh when he was 26 and still at home and she’s often said she thought he would be there forever and acts like I took him away !

It’s a shame for the dc as she is actually always really lovely to them but now she’s made it obvious that actually she thinks she’s more important/ the dog was more important than them so it’s quite upsetting to feel like she resents them as wants to be number 1 herself

So she'd prefer that her son treats you and his children the way that men have treated her and her children? Not offering support or help or showing love and kindness - and because she had to struggle without those things (and she sees her daughter as a single parent to be in the same situation?) she finds it deeply painful to see a woman who is treated better? That's very sad, but it's wildly unreasonable and there is no way to accommodate that. All you can do is set boundaries (Boxing Day being a very clear one!) and she will have to adjust.

Or the behaviour of someone who is desperate to get their dog to the vet and needs some support and is finding it increasingly difficult to do things

Nope. If it’s true desperation as she thinks the dog’s life was in danger, she would have called her daughter, not kept ringing her son and leaving messages and calling her daughter-in-law while the dog’s life was ebbing away. Heck, most people would ask from help from Jack the Ripper in such a situation and be grateful for it. The fact, only her son could have come somewhat diminished the ‘desperate to get the dog to the vet’ argument.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

She is looking at the relationship you have with her son and is jealous. You have a supportive partner who puts his wife and children first. She never had that and is clearly very resentful.

I'd be inclined to think that these demands are attempts to undermine your relationship so she feels better about herself. It didn't work this time so she's reacting badly and is now trying to split you on Boxing Day.

It's really important that your DH stands firm and doesn't allow this to happen. His wife and kids need to be his priority.

This is a power play that has deep roots in the past. You're just the catalyst. I think she would have behaved this way whoever her son had married, so don't take it personally

Stand firm as a family and have healthy boundaries.

Yes, you are at fault because he should have never been at that appointment as that’s your job. That will seem perfectly logical to her. And if that’s her view then she will find it easy to blame you.

it’s all perfectly logical in her head. You have destroyed her relationship with him youve stolen him, he’s now thinking of you before her and she cannot cope.

binkers but common, emotional incest/enmeshment. He’s good to push back though op.

Unfortunately, now that she's shown you her true colours, there's no un-seeing them.

She has revealed herself to be cruel and selfish and a blatent misogynist who actually doesn't give a toss about the wellbeing of her grandchild as she thinks that she and her dog should come first in your DH's life, before his own wife and children.

She may be selfish and all the other things that PP have suggested, but she may also be someone who's trying to do her best but is constrained by the attitudes and expectations that her life has taught her are normal. Maybe as she sees it, you're there to look after your family, her DD is there to look after her family and your DH is there to look after her, with anything left over being available for his own family. If this is what she believes it's probably so ingrained that she doesn't even realise that there are other ways of looking at things.

DH needs to have a conversation with her about this viewpoint to get her to see that it's not a view everyone has, and that she could look at things differently. She will need help to think about what other support there might be for her, because voluntarily giving up the support she believes she has a right to when there's nothing else in place is going to be very scary.

There's no point in discussing the dog incident or any other incidents until you have this conversation, because she won't be able to see that she had any other realistic options. The only way to stop this happening again and again is to get to grips with why it's happening in the first place.

Another way of understanding her thought process… she feels alone, she’s no one’s number 1 priority.

You and your DH prioritise the DC, so the DC have two people prioritising them. You also look after each other. She feels she’s last in line.

Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t approve of that way of thinking. My mum is very similar. She often complains that she’s no one’s priority anymore, and no one puts her first, or thinks about her, ‘woe is me…!’. She’s relentless.

Cut her some slack. Her dog was unwell and she was in a panic. We all say things we don't mean in that sort of high stress situation. I wouldn't take her too seriously.

OTOH maybe she did mean it. In which case you get a leisurely Boxing Day at home. Win win situation.

She is undoubtedly being unreasonable and you did nothing wrong.

How do you want to move forward? If you want things to repair you could say something like:

MIL, you brought up dh to be a loving and caring family man. You did an amazing job, and all on your own. Of course he is going to put his dc first. If he didn’t, then he wouldn’t be who we both know he is. He adores you but he’s a husband and dad now and his priorities have changed. This doesn’t exclude you but it does mean you won’t always come first. We’ll always do whatever we can to help you but we need you to respect that sometimes your needs won’t trump those of our dc or even each other.

Don't visit on boxing day. That means dh too. Wait until she apologizes. Hope the dog is ok. Yes it was impossible as you both couldn't get there. Yanbu.

My MIL is the same. She’s a hypochondriac & when I say she’s always up the drs I literally mean she’s up there several times a week. One bad night sleep she’ll say I’m not sleeping, for the next week saying she’s sleeping to much. This is literally the issue we’re now dealing with. Not sleeping & sleeping. When my H points this out she has actually wished herself ill. I hope they find something wrong. Her daughter doesn’t engage with it at all. When bringing up her many ailments will say mom I’m not interested ok. Tell me when you’ve got something wrong. She has also wished ill on herself to make her daughter live with guilt. She wants you to flap when she’s ill. I’m well aware that one day she’ll be proven right & my H & SIL will be saddled with the guilt because of their lack of caring due to fatigue of her previous actions. You can’t even try & a put her mind at rest. If you downplay her symptoms & suggest anxiety brings some of these symptoms on she is grossly offended. She doesn’t think she’s hypochondriac. She retorts I know what I’m feeling. Some of these investigations she doesn’t tell you the outcome of. When asked will skim over it with yeah they found nothing but I know something is wrong & talk about something else that’s not right. She won’t tell you if she’s received a diagnosis either & will eventually kick off because no one cares she’s has high blood pressure etc. it’s exhausting. It’s the only topic of conversation we have with her.

your MIL if like mine will calm down & I suspect you’ll be there on Boxing Day. Here’s to the neurotic In law club.

As a pet owner who can't drive and will never be able to drive (disqualifying visual processing disorder): 1) MANY taxis will take a pet 2) there are pet taxis for this. Literally pet-specific services. Its on you as a non-driving pet owner to scope your local services and have a plan in place for this.

Detach. People like this imagine you'll be terribly sorry about the wonderful time in their company you're going to miss out on and imagine you depend on their company hugely (we don't).