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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to sibling

725 replies

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:09

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

OP posts:
VictoriousPunge · 10/12/2025 11:43

As other posters point out, and you ignore, the law says you can renege on your promise and betray your sibling, not that you must.

You are choosing to use this opportunity to take half of your mother's estate and all of your father's and trying to use 'the law' as a fig leaf.

It's covering nothing.

You're selling your soul.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/12/2025 11:43

youalright · 10/12/2025 11:29

Wow your mum will be looking down on you and be so ashamed. Why would you think you getting 150% and your sister getting 50% would be ok.

This is so right. You know you're DM didn't leave you half, she told you so herself. Don't hide behind the law Op, just admit you only care about the money. You're just like your DF, abusing your DSis

sprigatito · 10/12/2025 11:44

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:42

Yes @ittakes2 it was naive in hindsight but the two estates are likely very similar in value. Sibling and I discussed this quite a bit at the time but we didn't expect the will not to be valid; reality and the law changes things.

No, the law doesn’t change anything. You had a choice, so own it. You decided you’d rather have a pile of money than your sister. Now you’re whinging because you’ve lost your sister 🤷🏻‍♀️

01Name · 10/12/2025 11:44

Why are you so certain that your sibling was not abused, @Bearingsbear20? You say yourself that your DF "used to drink a lot, swear etc! He treated us all badly."

Perhaps your sibling suffered the worse for that, in ways you were shielded from, or is not as resilient as you.

I was horribly abused and suffered as a child. I can only tell you that being told by family members that "I need to get over it" and that what happened is "stupid as he's pleasant now" causes anguish, despair and suffering that no amount of money can ever compensate for.

It seems that your sibling did their utmost best to remove themself from the situation and rebuild their life. Your DM was trying to make things right for them, possibly knowing how truly they had suffered when younger. And that what you, in fact, are doing is actively perpetuating your DF's cycle of abuse, minimalising your sibling's real or perceived suffering, and punishing them for pulling away.

I hope your sibling will be happy in the future. I hope you can examine your conscience. Because your actions and the way you describe the situation at present are cruel and mercenary.

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 11:44

Unfortunately this is on your mum.
She should have taken care of her will.
Your sister has every right to not to see her father, but this can be the consequence of that.
He doesn't sound a very nice man.
In your place I would hand over 50% of what he leaves you, but that is your choice.
Don't be surprised if this causes you a relationship with your sister.
If you are happy to accept that, crack on.

CharlieEffie · 10/12/2025 11:44

So seeing as you don't see the verbal agreement as valid i assume once your Df passes you will be giving her 50%

AgDulAmach · 10/12/2025 11:45

I think your sibling is right to cut you out. You are a true horror of a person.

Legally, what you're doing is correct. Morally you are repugnant.

Freeyourmind · 10/12/2025 11:45

You start with your sibling and I had a verbal agreement. If you had this verbal agreement what made you seek legal advice and go back on the verbal agreement. You may not agree with their position on your father, but that's not your business. If you cannot see where you are wrong with all of this then I don't really know what to say.

Original poster
Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:45

Look, to those mentioning DF, it's separate and I admit I was foolish to make the verbal agreement and play along with siblings initial wishes. DF isn't even dead yet, and sibling kept going on about his will as if they were entitled to half even when they didn't visit him!
This is about DM and what is legally valid.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 10/12/2025 11:45

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:39

@SparklyGlitterballs no, most of the family think I'm doing the right thing. When I own the house I'll be renovating it and selling it at a profit more than likely. There's a lot of relatives who think sibling is BU for getting so upset over it and not talking to me and DF anymore.

Christ. You can see where you get it from.

Lifesd · 10/12/2025 11:46

You are a scumbag

MsProbably · 10/12/2025 11:46

You chose your legal ‘right’ over your moral one, hence you’ll have the money but not the relationship. But that’s entirely your choice.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 10/12/2025 11:47

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:42

Yes @ittakes2 it was naive in hindsight but the two estates are likely very similar in value. Sibling and I discussed this quite a bit at the time but we didn't expect the will not to be valid; reality and the law changes things.

Because it gives you the chance to be grabby and totally disregard what is morally right because legally it's fine. Many things are legal but aren't the right option.

QueefofSheena · 10/12/2025 11:47

Wind ‘em up and watch ‘em go

PurpleThistle7 · 10/12/2025 11:47

This is such a sad post for so many reasons. You are absolutely destroying your relationship with your sibling - might be too late to get it back, but if you have any interest in having any sort of relationship with them, you need to reassess your priorities.

You intend to take the entirety of your abusive father's estate and are quibbling over your mother's. You didn't work on this with your sibling, you just informed them that you'd be taking half, buying the entire house to renovate it and sell for a profit. Presumably you aren't interested in working together with your sibling so you both benefit from this plan - it's all about you. You have chose to disregard your sibling's pain from their childhood because you either didn't experience the extent of it, or can move on from the trauma for more money. It's all so depressing.

Honestly I hope your sibling gets all they can from this and walks away from this mess forever.

PsychoHotSauce · 10/12/2025 11:48

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:26

I'm surprised people are ignoring the law here. With no valid will, the estate is split 50/50. Sibling knew this but chose to ignore me while they carried on with the administration. Without the solicitors intervening they may have sold off the house at too low a price for us both.

Anyway re: DF. He used to drink a lot, swear etc! He treated us all badly. But sibling got a good job and moved away for a few years. When they moved back, DF told sibling that they weren't in his will because I'd helped him out more. Now sibling is very bitter over this, keeps going on about therapy etc. The rest of the family keep saying they need to get over it

Haven't RTFT so this might have been mentioned, but there is talk of the law changing (it might already be in motion), with much more room for judges to infer intentions of the deceased if there is evidence contrary to the current black and white rules of intestacy/strict rules around whether or not a will is valid. By the time you got to court, you might be in for a nasty and expensive surprise.

ItsameLuigi · 10/12/2025 11:48

Do you have a degradation kink? That's the only reason I can imagine you've posted this thread. You're a bitch. I hope your sister takes her money and fucks off far away from you.

Oriunda · 10/12/2025 11:48

I’m NC with a parent. As the eldest, I endured the most abuse. I’ve been cut out of will; that’s fine. I’ve no intention of cosying up to them now for the sake of any money. My youngest sibling was the favourite and their lived experience was completely different; no abuse. Whilst legally the will leaves the estate to my other siblings, morally they have said they intend to ensure I’m not punished, and will ensure I get one piece of my grandmother’s jewellery that was very dear to me.

There's a whole difference between what’s legal, and what’s right. There is nothing to stop you inheriting 50% of your mother’s estate, and then passing it back to your sibling.

getsomehelp · 10/12/2025 11:48

Wow, I wouldn't want to have a further relationship with you either.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 10/12/2025 11:49

Daleksatemyshed · 10/12/2025 11:43

This is so right. You know you're DM didn't leave you half, she told you so herself. Don't hide behind the law Op, just admit you only care about the money. You're just like your DF, abusing your DSis

Show quote history

This. I'd be devastated if my daughter turned out like you.

FerrisWheelsandLilacs · 10/12/2025 11:49

I am usually the biggest proponent in situations like this that you should follow the law, if the deceased wanted any different they should’ve made a Will and lifetime promises don’t mean anything.

However, I am going to change from my usual position for this post. You know full well what your Mum wanted and why, and what I’d probably be doing in this scenario is claiming my 50% but persuading Dad to change his Will to equally benefit both of us. (And I do mean this, DSis has had more in life from our parents and they offered to adjust this in their Wills, but I have been adamant they should just keep it split equally and if they don’t I will make sure the end point is an even split).

It’s extraordinarily grabby to accept your share of DM’s estate now (which I do agree you should accept) but then intend to keep 100% of Dad’s Estate too.

I’m also a big advocate of life is too short to fall out about money, and I would have said I don’t see a scenario where I would fall out with family over money - but this might be it…

viques · 10/12/2025 11:49

If she died without a valid will then surely her estate will go to her husband, not her squabbling children?

This is what happens when greedy children start dividing up the spoils between them before the parents are actually dead. What you should have done is encourage your parents to make proper legal wills, preferably leaving everything to the donkey sanctuary.

smashinghope · 10/12/2025 11:49

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:42

Yes @ittakes2 it was naive in hindsight but the two estates are likely very similar in value. Sibling and I discussed this quite a bit at the time but we didn't expect the will not to be valid; reality and the law changes things.

So they are similar value and in reality when both are dead you would end up with equally the same amount if you both stuck to the original agreement.

But now you want more?

There is nothing else to say apart from the fact you are solely a money grabber with no thought or consideration for your relationships.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 10/12/2025 11:49

From what you’ve posted:

  • your sibling has spoken of their trauma, from what you acknowledge was being ‘treated badly’ as a child, but you have dismissed this because you don’t feel the same
  • you had an agreement about how estates would be handled but as your Dmother didn’t formalise it you now do not with to honour this but stick to the letter of the law, which will lead to an eventual financial profit for you

Have you always been this black and white in your decision making?

Swiftie1878 · 10/12/2025 11:49

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:14

Yes @Solentsolo because I am following the intestacy rules, the draft will/ verbal agreement isn't valid.

Wow. You really are a piece of work, and you don’t see it?!