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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to sibling

725 replies

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:09

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

OP posts:
QuinionsRainbow · 10/12/2025 16:25

What country are you in, OP? In England, your Mother's estate may not devolve directly entirely to Children, and in any case, has your sibling sought, and obtained, the appropriate Letters of administration. I know from personal experience, that this needs to be done before assets are realised.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/

In England,
Married partners and civil partners
People who were married or in a civil partnership with the person when they died can inherit under the rules of intestacy. This includes if they were separated but still married.
Without a valid will, a person can’t inherit if:

  • they were divorced from the person who died
  • their civil partnership had legally ended when the person died
If there are children If the estate is valued at more than £322,000, the inheritance is divided between the partner and the children. If the estate is £322,000 or less then the children don’t inherit. The partner inherits:
  • all the personal property and belongings of the person who has died
  • the first £322,000 of the estate
  • half of the remaining estate
The children will inherit the other half of the remaining estate. If the person who died had more than 1 child, this amount will be divided equally between them. This includes any child adopted by the person who died. It also includes any biological or adopted child the person had from other relationships. Jointly-owned property Couples may jointly own their home. There are two different ways of jointly owning a home. These are beneficial joint tenancies and tenancies in common. If the partners were beneficial joint tenants at the time of the death, when the first partner dies, the surviving partner will automatically inherit the other partner's share of the property. However, if the partners are tenants in common, the surviving partner does not automatically inherit the other person's share.
Isittimeformynapyet · 10/12/2025 16:25

TeatimeForTheSoul · 10/12/2025 16:19

@Isittimeformynapyet you sound like someone who hasn’t lost a respected parent. I have, and you tend to consider what their opinions would have been even after their death.
Or maybe you don’t have reason to respect your parents.
Whichever, good luck to you.

Show quote history

On the contrary, I lost my Mum September '24 and have never respected anyone more.

I think you and I are approaching this thread from entirely different angles. @ClawedButler gets it, and @Feelingrotten's got it.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/12/2025 16:26

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:39

@SparklyGlitterballs no, most of the family think I'm doing the right thing. When I own the house I'll be renovating it and selling it at a profit more than likely. There's a lot of relatives who think sibling is BU for getting so upset over it and not talking to me and DF anymore.

If you’ll divide your DF’s will by 50% (even if that means going against his wishes / a possible will)? Fair enough. Your behaviour is morally bankrupt if you won‘t.

TokyoSushi · 10/12/2025 16:27

Bonkers.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 10/12/2025 16:35

God there's no end of ridiculous fake threads these days.

No wonder the amount of people viewing threads is so low. People just can't be arsed with the constant trolling anymore.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 10/12/2025 16:35

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:14

Yes @Solentsolo because I am following the intestacy rules, the draft will/ verbal agreement isn't valid.

And you're surprised she's upset with you? Either you think your DM has a bigger estate to leave your sister or you're worried your Dad may change his will/doesn't have as much to leave to you. You've reneged on a promise. The intestacy laws don't matter - you're just using that as an excuse to do the dirty on your sister.

CharlieEffie · 10/12/2025 16:37

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:58

Honestly surprised at most of (not all!) of the responses here. My majority of the family are on my side. It's sad my sibling just doesn't seem to prioritise doing what's best for family

You asked people if you are being unreasonable. The majority of people have confirmed you are, im not sure why you are surprised. Your sibling stopped communicating because they are annoyed/upset that you went back against your verbal agreement (and your mothers wishes, yes the will may not be valid but the draft will and your mother verbally telling you that she wanted it to be fair- you getting 50% of hers and 100% of your father is NOT fair however you spin it) so I'm unsure why you think they should be building bridges when you caused the issue. Furthermore not sure how your version is 'best for the family' sounds like its just best for you

Busybeemumm · 10/12/2025 16:38

I don't blame your sibling for going NC with you. This is isn't about legality of the will as you had an agreement and you now are ignoring this important fact. Not sure how you could enjoy this money with this on your conscious (or maybe you don't have one).

PrincessSakura · 10/12/2025 16:39

I feel so sorry for the sibling, you sound very selfish, greedy and uncaring.

Busybeemumm · 10/12/2025 16:40

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 10/12/2025 16:35

God there's no end of ridiculous fake threads these days.

No wonder the amount of people viewing threads is so low. People just can't be arsed with the constant trolling anymore.

Why do you think this is fake? Inheritance and wills really brings out the worse in people.

unlikelysuspect · 10/12/2025 16:40

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 14:31

@Feelingrotten DM and DF split up a long time ago, actually sibling had quite a lot to do with that when we were young, encouraged DM to leave DF etc. It's a complicated situation and DF was devastated, never got over it really, so I was advised to take the legal route once she died unexpectedly rather than honour any woolly verbal agreements.

Nah. Jumped the shark with this post.

JamieCannister · 10/12/2025 16:41

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:09

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

Mind blown that this is only at 97% YABU. How many other accounts does OP have in order to get YANBU up to 3%?

Wintersgirl · 10/12/2025 16:42

UrbanFan · 10/12/2025 11:40

I don't know why you came on here with your post. It's clear that you are selfish and just do whatever you want, and that you don't care about anyone else.

Show quote history

Yes it makes awful reading...

BillieWiper · 10/12/2025 16:46

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:18

I sought legal advice and they confirmed I should follow the legal process i.e. claim um rightful 50%.

For background, sibling hasn't bothered with DF for months. They never visit anymore and is spreading nasty lies about his 'abuse'. Whereas I see him regularly, help out with his care etc.

But what's how he treats DF got to do with how much he should inherit from DM?

You already say DF intends to leave it all to you anyway. So why should he care for his abuser who's cut him out of his will?

You reneged on an agreement and now he rightly feels you cannot be trusted. And that you think money is more important than your relationship with him.

WiltedLettuce · 10/12/2025 16:47

You can stand on your legal rights as much as you want, but the one thing you're not entitled to is a relationship with your sibling.

Usually I can see both sides on a thread, but here I'd be rooting for her if she chose never to speak to you again.

I hope the money is worth it.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 10/12/2025 16:47

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:26

I'm surprised people are ignoring the law here. With no valid will, the estate is split 50/50. Sibling knew this but chose to ignore me while they carried on with the administration. Without the solicitors intervening they may have sold off the house at too low a price for us both.

Anyway re: DF. He used to drink a lot, swear etc! He treated us all badly. But sibling got a good job and moved away for a few years. When they moved back, DF told sibling that they weren't in his will because I'd helped him out more. Now sibling is very bitter over this, keeps going on about therapy etc. The rest of the family keep saying they need to get over it

Interesting how people use that old worn out phrase 'get over it'. Being mistreated by a parent isn't something all people can just 'get over'. It stays with you for life. Even if you're still in contact with the parent, even if you're even on friendly terms with them as an adult, it's still hard to 'get over it' when you've suffered any kind of abuse, or mistreatment as a child.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 10/12/2025 16:47

I’m Team Sister. If you get 50% of your DM estate and 100% of your DF’s estate it would be very unfair. Be honourable OP. Stick to your original plan.

ScholesPanda · 10/12/2025 16:47

Well, you can see who got your Father's genes at least.

YABU and a total c*nt to be honest.

Frequency · 10/12/2025 16:47

When you say the rest of the family agrees with you, you mean your abusive father, don't you?

Otherwise, I don't believe you. Either you are lying, or they are, because they're afraid of you.

Monty34 · 10/12/2025 16:49

Busybeemumm · 10/12/2025 16:38

I don't blame your sibling for going NC with you. This is isn't about legality of the will as you had an agreement and you now are ignoring this important fact. Not sure how you could enjoy this money with this on your conscious (or maybe you don't have one).

Well, technically, as the executor she should not go NC at all. Entirely inappropriate. If you take on the job of being one, you have a task and job to do. And requirements to meet. Being communicative to beneficiaries is one of them.

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/12/2025 16:51

Where are you OP? Have you been called down for your tea?

Rubinia · 10/12/2025 16:51

FollowSpot · 10/12/2025 15:21

Op you started out with a 'verbal agreement' with you sibling about who would 'take' the respective estates. So presumably you agreed this without reference to the respective wills or lack of?

It was daft from the outset because you had no way of knowing if either of the estates would have been eaten up by care fees or left to a new spouse or blown on gambling or cruises.

What would be fair now would be to agree to share 50 /50 your father's estate in due course. If he leaves it all to you you can sign a Variation deed to leave half to your sibling.

Surely this would be the best, fairest and most moral thing to do?

This!! DoV are very easy and cheap to do. Do the right thing op. Just because you didn’t suffer abuse doesn’t mean your sibling didnt. Youre currently being greedy and treating them badly. I suspect you won’t hear from them ever again if you continue on this path and I can’t blame them.

Wintersgirl · 10/12/2025 16:53

You banging on about how "it's the law! I'm just following orders!" yeah right OP you know no one comes round and checks right? You're a vile human being trying to hide behind a flimsy excuse so you can grab more money...

Imdunfer · 10/12/2025 16:54

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 15:04

Better to renovate it and keep it in the family than have it go to a stranger at auction.

Sibling just doesn't seem to understand this.

Sorry? You wrote this earlier.

When I own the house I'll be renovating it and selling it at a profit more than likely.

ChloeMorningstar · 10/12/2025 16:55

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:58

Honestly surprised at most of (not all!) of the responses here. My majority of the family are on my side. It's sad my sibling just doesn't seem to prioritise doing what's best for family

Best for family? or best for you!

You should share whatever you get from your DF when he goes if there is anything to leave. Your behaviour is rather despicable and greedy.