To not apologise to sibling

[Bearingsbear20]

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

You're dealing with the situation from a legal perspective and applying your legal rights.

She is dealing with thr matter from an psychological perspective and applying her rights not to have anything to.do with you any longer.

Seems like a fair playing field. I'm not sure why you are cross or why you think your sister owes you to accept you in her life gracefully.

So because your Mum failed to make her will valid you are going to use that as an opportunity to fuck over your sister and go against your mother’s wishes, while presumably planning on keeping 100% of your father’s money when he dies. And your question is whether or not to apologise to your sister while you fuck her over. Fucking hell.

I think op genuinely believed we would support her disgraceful lust over what’s ’lawfully’ hers, as she seems surrounded by yes people, but something is niggling, chewing away in the far recesses of her shallow conscience, she can’t quite square the circle. Her sister is uncharacteristically upset and won’t even see op at Christmas. Hence the thread. She has expressed surprise at the response and poll result…

You know what your mother’s intention was. Legally correct, morally, not.

I've been ill the last few days and have spent way too long on Mumsnet. Between this thread and the ghosting date one I'm beginning to think that very little of what is posted on Mumsnet is actually real.

There is another alternative, of course.

wow what a vulture you are

I was advised to take the legal route once she died unexpectedly rather than honour any woolly verbal agreements.

You can tell yourself that all you like, but it doesn't make it 'right', it doesn't matter how woolly the agreement was, or the fact it wasn't done in time of her dying, you knew that is what your mums wishes were, YOU agreed to it.. You are now going back on that agreement, the end.

Hopefully all your dad's money goes on care and you get fuck all.

You keep mentioning "the law" as if you have a legal obligation to take 50%, despite what you KNOW your mother's wishes to be, and the prior agreement you had with your sister. Intestacy laws exist to decide on matters where there is a lack of clarity, or where disagreement exists. Just because the will wasn't legally binding doesn't mean you don't have a moral obligation to honour your mother's wishes and your agreement with your sister. What do you think will happen if you stick to the original agreement? Do you think the police will turn up at your house and arrest you unless you accept the rest of the money or something?! Surely no one can be that daft?!! Come on now.

You might have a legal right to 50%, but you are being extremely dishonourable by going against your mother's known wishes and the agreement with your sister.

And then blaming HER for not talking to you, when YOU are the one going back on their word?

And saying it's distasteful to keep talking about your father's will while he's still alive, when YOU clearly participated in several conversations about both parents' wills in the past, including before your mother died. You are being utterly dishonourable, disingenuous and difficult. Just do the right thing and do what you KNOW your mother wanted. The police will not come after you for accepting less money than you are legally entitled to. I promise.

My guess is that her mother knew very well the dynamic between the siblings, and the abuse that played out in their family over the years.

Op has now robbed her mother of her one remaining wish and peace in death.

Their mother must have known full well her ex husband was likely to write OP’s sister out of his will as punishment for calling out his abuse. What a genuinely cruel decision to use her mother’s unfinished will to cause further deep harm to her sister. It’s unforgivable even to me, as a bystander.

Perfect summary. Some people are despicable, aren’t they?

Don’t apologise. That way your sister will keep you out of her life, which seems to be best for her.

Good luck in 40years when your kids aren’t talking to you and you have no idea why.

There is….

What leads you to believe your sibling and legal agents would sell off the house for less than market value? You state your solicitor 'advised you' to contest the draft will, but you were not obliged to claim 50%, which seems to be what you are imputing... i'm somewhat ..strained... in taking this scenario as plausible as, if 100% accurate (3 sides yours/other's/the truth etc..) then you have painted yourself in a flabergastingly negative light...

You had an agreement. Even though there was no will, your sibling would reasonably expect you to honour the agreement (even if you ended up initially as joint owners but handed the money over when you sell up for example). Therefore it’s no surprise they expect you to do the same when DF dies i.e. split 50 50.

This is bizarre. You agreed with your sibling that they would have your mother's estate, there's a draft will that states that, more or less. You let them crack on. And then what? You changed your mind. And now you post on here asking if you are being unreasonable, which you are, but some how thinking that people are going to agree with you. If I was your brother sister I would never speak to you again.

As an aside, to the people on here calling the OP a "bitch", what would you call a man who had did the same?

I think shes awful but there is no need for misogyny.

So just to confirm you knew DF has cut out sibling so you will take 100% of his estate and sibling will get nothing. You also knew that your DM wanted you to have a smaller share of her estate to compensate and you have found an unfortunately non binding Will that reflects this position. That not withstanding you still want 50% of your share of DM estate because the law says so. You find it crass that your sibling is talking about sharing your DF estate while he is alive but are more than happy to take a share of an estate that by all accounts your DM did not want you to have.

While you are correct that the law is on your side, you are completely and utterly in the wrong morally about what you are doing to your sibling and to the memory of your DM. Had you simply wanted what your DM wanted you to have per the Will, I can't say I would have a problem with what you are doing.

The moral (not legal) problem I have with this (and I suspect by the responses shared on MN that this view is shared) is that you have left the sibling to undertake all of the estate admin without assistance from you, you are now going to take 50% of the estate AND force them to sell their half share to you so you can do it up and sell it at a profit, thus from your siblings perspective screwing over your sibling not once but twice. Would you have contested your DM will had it been valid? If not, why swoop in now to take an enhanced share if you would have respected her wishes at that time? You have a decision to make - do you value money over your sibling or your sibling over money? If it's the former, be prepared to kiss your relationship with your sibling goodbye and you better hope that wherever you are, there aren't forced heirship rules that allows your sibling to inherit from their father notwithstanding the Will. Good luck navigating the relationship issues - you are going to need it.

credulity is being increasingly strained when you mention elsewhere about keeping the house in the family... not sure what you are hoping to achieve from this thread...

I must be dense. What ?

I hope your sister can allowed herself to be happy that she has 50% of her mum's estate and has managed to offload an abusive dad and an truly appalling excuse for a sibling.

@Bearingsbear20 KNOWS they are being unethical and immoral - that is why they are leaning so hard on the legal argument.

OP - you are reneging on the agreement with your sibling, and grabbing g an extra share of the estate. That is dishonest and vile, and you know it is.

It's fair if you are willing to share dfs estate if there is anything there.

Your behaviour makes you a pos. You know you’re in the wrong, you’re greedy and probably didn’t expect your mum to die first.

Truth is, if you hadn’t made the verbal agreement then your DM would have reflected it in her will. You deceived your DM so you could take your siblings rightful inheritance. It’s a very scummy thing to do.