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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to sibling

725 replies

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:09

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 10/12/2025 14:58

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:39

@SparklyGlitterballs no, most of the family think I'm doing the right thing. When I own the house I'll be renovating it and selling it at a profit more than likely. There's a lot of relatives who think sibling is BU for getting so upset over it and not talking to me and DF anymore.

Greed is such an unattractive trait.

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/12/2025 15:00

most of the family think I'm doing the right thing. When I own the house I'll be renovating it and selling it at a profit more than likely.

Am I the only person to sense a bit of shark-jumping here?

Original poster
Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 15:04

Better to renovate it and keep it in the family than have it go to a stranger at auction.

Sibling just doesn't seem to understand this.

OP posts:
user593 · 10/12/2025 15:04

You’re a terrible person and I suspect your family are too afraid of you to tell you that. You don’t even want the house out of sentimentality, you’re just looking to turn a profit. Gross.

Differentforgirls · 10/12/2025 15:05

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 15:04

Better to renovate it and keep it in the family than have it go to a stranger at auction.

Sibling just doesn't seem to understand this.

Was this the house she was abused in?

FartersParters · 10/12/2025 15:07

You really can’t see why they might be annoyed?

You have agreed something with your sibling (albeit a verbal agreement) and then you’ve decided for reasons not stated to use the law so you get more and they get less in spite of what you agreed and you don’t see why they might be upset?

Im actually surprised they are letting you get off so lightly with just an apology.

Very dishonourable behaviour.

Original poster
Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 15:07

Differentforgirls · 10/12/2025 15:05

Was this the house she was abused in?

Show quote history

What has this got to do with anything?
But no, as it happens. In fact I lived there longer than my sibling did.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 10/12/2025 15:07

ChequerToRed · 10/12/2025 13:42

There’s some missing details here that can be read between the lines, and make this all so much worse.
You say your DS is going to put the house to auction, this only happens for one reason, it’s too much of a shithole to go on the open market as it’s not mortgageable. Cash buyers only.
This is backed up by your desire to ‘do the place up and sell for a profit’ by buying out your DS. As the place is too much of a dump to sell in the usual way, what valuation are you using to buy out your sibling? Well there’s only the bargain basement auction estimate, isn’t there?
The only logical conclusion to this is that your reneging on the spoken agreement with your sibling to buy the place on the cheap, do it up (you obviously have the money to do both already or this wouldn’t be your plan, money that your DS doesn’t have or they’d do this themselves) and you’ll get the cream off the top when it’s in a suitable state to sell via an estate agent.

This isnt just amoral, despite the legalities, it’s downright Machiavellian.

this is it. Seen an opportunity to get it at bargain-basement price plus 50% off

Heartbreaksally · 10/12/2025 15:08

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 15:07

What has this got to do with anything?
But no, as it happens. In fact I lived there longer than my sibling did.

Show quote history

Whats that got to do with anything?

You're applying relevance to things to suit yourself.

nomas · 10/12/2025 15:08

I think you are right to take half your mum's estate.

But you should share your dad's estate with sibling, even a reduced share like 20%.

Have you resigned yourself to having zero relationship with sibling?

toonananana · 10/12/2025 15:10

This has to be a windup, unless neurodivergence is at play here, no one can be this self-absorbed.

YABVU and your sibling is right 100%.

GaleWeathers44 · 10/12/2025 15:10

Decide on the outcome you want and plan backwards from there. If your goal is to have a healthy relationship with your sister, going back on your original agreement (and your mother’s wishes) will almost certainly damage that.

Right now, you’re coming across as very focused on getting the maximum inheritance. You’re asking for all of your father’s estate and half of your mother’s, and that choice is very likely to do irreparable harm to your relationship. I suspect you realise this, but greed is clouding your judgment.

LizzieW1969 · 10/12/2025 15:11

I’ve never been on a thread where the OP is so clearly despicable and not at all bothered. She’s not listening at all either, it’s just going over her head.

Chazbots · 10/12/2025 15:11

I bet it wouldn't be termed a "woolly agreement" if the tables were turned.

You sound like a bit of an arsehole, knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing. I understand sibling relationships can be difficult but you are not being fair or equitable.

Differentforgirls · 10/12/2025 15:11

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 15:07

What has this got to do with anything?
But no, as it happens. In fact I lived there longer than my sibling did.

Show quote history

Are you the youngest or oldest sister? It had a lot to do with me trying to understand why she just wanted rid of the house.

I can't believe you have ostracised your sister over £50k.

ChristmasinBrighton · 10/12/2025 15:12

Reverse?

cambiotica · 10/12/2025 15:12

DF told sibling that they weren't in his will because I'd helped him out more.
Well, that confirms he's a manipulative vengeful twat then. Unless she did something horrible to him (and it sounds like the other way around) the only fair inheritance is equal shares for siblings.
No, she shouldn't have started selling off things from the estate but if it's all accounted for then the correct proportions can be sorted out later. Is she the executor of the estate?
Your dad might change his will or use up most of its value for elderly care.
The greater family should keep out of it. You don't need the flying monkeys, you can be determined to be vile all on your own.

Threewordname · 10/12/2025 15:14

@Bearingsbear20 Assuming this is a genuine problem, and is not a reverse, why did you start the thread? Presumably you had some doubts about your behaviour, or you wouldn’t have asked strangers what they thought. Yet even though currently 97% of respondents to the survey think YABU, that doesn’t seem to have affected you in the slightest. So why did you ask?

ednaclouda · 10/12/2025 15:14

bearingsbear20 - are you enjoying this roasting

flumposie · 10/12/2025 15:15

Vile behaviour. You are going against your Mum's wishes. Pure greed.

Nevernonono · 10/12/2025 15:15

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:06

@OneMoreProfiterole that's irrelevant to this thread. But fwiw myself and other members of the family have managed to move on and help DF out, it's sibling who is bitter about it all

Some people will do anything for money…

LiveToTell · 10/12/2025 15:18

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:04

No @TheCosyViewer I was with the solicitor and DF when DF drew up his will. DF then phoned sibling to explain what he'd done. Sibling seemed fine with it at the time. Then DM got ill and we made the verbal agreement.
But that's all by the by, we have to follow the law and what is stated there.

You don’t HAVE to follow the law. You can do a deed of variation for an intestate estate. I’ve done them myself at work!

Nevernonono · 10/12/2025 15:18

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:10

How can you assume that? DF and I get on well. I genuinely enjoy his company. I have tried to explain to sibling about this but they don't want to know.
I don't see why I should help them out when they're the one who has fallen out with me.

Show quote history

They’ve fallen out with you, because of your awful behaviour!

FollowSpot · 10/12/2025 15:21

Op you started out with a 'verbal agreement' with you sibling about who would 'take' the respective estates. So presumably you agreed this without reference to the respective wills or lack of?

It was daft from the outset because you had no way of knowing if either of the estates would have been eaten up by care fees or left to a new spouse or blown on gambling or cruises.

What would be fair now would be to agree to share 50 /50 your father's estate in due course. If he leaves it all to you you can sign a Variation deed to leave half to your sibling.

Surely this would be the best, fairest and most moral thing to do?

Bearbookagainandagain · 10/12/2025 15:22

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:58

Honestly surprised at most of (not all!) of the responses here. My majority of the family are on my side. It's sad my sibling just doesn't seem to prioritise doing what's best for family

I mean this is hilarious in hypocrisy. You are just doing what's best for you, it's nothing to do with "family", it's about you getting money for yourself.

If you told your sibling to take care of it and most of the inheritance was supposed to go to them, why on earth would you expect communication!

If you're trying to feel better about yourself, good luck.