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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to sibling

725 replies

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:09

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Imdunfer · 10/12/2025 14:07

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:58

Honestly surprised at most of (not all!) of the responses here. My majority of the family are on my side. It's sad my sibling just doesn't seem to prioritise doing what's best for family

"The manoeuvre of your family are on your side" ...... but you know you're morally in the wrong or you wouldn't even have started this thread.

It reeks of opportunistic greed.

forgotmyusername1 · 10/12/2025 14:07

I guess the choice is 50% of your mothers estate or a relationship with your sibling and probably other members of your family on your siblings side.

Legally you have the right to 50% of your mothers estate but it will cost you those relationships - I guess the question is whether the money is worth torpedoing the relationship with your family.

In my case I would choose my family over any money - but maybe you don't like your family and the cash is worth it.

You will either walk out of this with your family or the cash - choose wisely

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/12/2025 14:08

Nevernonono · 10/12/2025 14:04

Let’s hope DF goes into care and you get nothing!

You’re greedy and bossy, you “told” your sibling to deal with the admin of the estate? Not asked? Then decided you wanted 50% of it. Against your verbal agreement.

I wouldn’t be speaking or seeing you either!

Show quote history

Yes, we can but hope. Or that he changes his will. Actually that would be better. He changes his will and doesn't tell her, dies, she spends the money in her head only to find out the donkey sanctuary take the lot.

moneyadviceplease · 10/12/2025 14:08

What a nasty horrible piece of work you are and you’re suprised your sister won’t speak to you. I didn’t know people like you really exist

LovingLimePeer · 10/12/2025 14:11

It sounds as if your whole family has no emotional intelligence. Your sibling is within their rights to find your father's previous behaviour abusive, even if you have had a different childhood experience.

I'm so sorry for your sibling. Your selfishness here will end any chance of a relationship with them in the future. What is legal isn't necessary what is right. Where are your morals?

Imdunfer · 10/12/2025 14:11

Imdunfer · 10/12/2025 14:07

"The manoeuvre of your family are on your side" ...... but you know you're morally in the wrong or you wouldn't even have started this thread.

It reeks of opportunistic greed.

Edited
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Majority, not manoeuvre!

You must have been so thrilled when your mother died intestate.

Strawberrryfields · 10/12/2025 14:13

I can’t believe this is serious. Stop trolling and get back to work.

chattychatchatty · 10/12/2025 14:14

“ My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's“

Yes, YABVU. You’ve seen an opportunity to grab a bit more cash, ‘under the law’ completely disregarding your verbal agreement and your mother’s wishes. Imagine a film of this, what would you think of yourself as this character?

liamharha · 10/12/2025 14:14

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:09

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

You're vile tbh .

Caterpillar1 · 10/12/2025 14:15

Greed, greed, greed.
BTW it's a cardinal sin (not that you'd care, obviously).

Anon4778 · 10/12/2025 14:16

Utter, UTTER greed on your part, OP. What a vulture! I’m genuinely disgusted.

I think this is one of the most shameful things I’ve ever heard. But hey - enjoy your ill-gotten gains when you get your grasping mitts on all that lovely money.

Change2banon · 10/12/2025 14:18

This has to be a wind up surely??

Differentforgirls · 10/12/2025 14:22

AnotherForumUser · 10/12/2025 14:07

I don't think there's such a thing as a joint will. There can be mirror wills (fairly common, but either party or the survivor can change their will ) or mutual wills (much more rare). Few couples opt for mutual wills as they are fairly restrictive. No one is obliged to have mirror or mutual wills. Most people have their own wills separately to their spouse or partner. Those who do may change this if they separate. And it sounds as if they had parted.

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My parents had a joint will and me and my husband will, hopefully, do the same. It was basically, if one of them dies, the other will inherit. If the other person then dies, everything will go to their children equally. One of my brothers died before my parents (😥), so they changed it to name me and my other brother and we were joint executors.

LoyalMember · 10/12/2025 14:25

You're f#cking despicable. You had an agreement that you'd take all of your dad's estate, and a small fraction of your mother's. Now you're hiding behind the letter of the law to claim 75% of all of it. You're in the wrong, and you know it.

Tabitha005 · 10/12/2025 14:27

Downplaying your sibling's response to and memories of the abuse your father gave out says a good deal about the type of person you might be.

Feelingrotten · 10/12/2025 14:28

GreenCandleWax · 10/12/2025 14:01

Its not your "legal inheritance" though, is it? If your DM died intestate, her estate belongs to your DF, not you or your sibling.

Excellent point.

Unless the parents are divorced

TeatimeForTheSoul · 10/12/2025 14:30

Just two questions:

  1. Have you ever acknowledged that your sibling feels traumatised from the bad parental behaviour in your youth?

  2. As you are expecting (without legal obligation) your sibling to do what's ‘best for the family’, when did the family last do what this sibling felt was best?

cardibach · 10/12/2025 14:30

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:42

Yes @ittakes2 it was naive in hindsight but the two estates are likely very similar in value. Sibling and I discussed this quite a bit at the time but we didn't expect the will not to be valid; reality and the law changes things.

The law doesn’t make you go against the wishes. My dad wrote an addendum to his will leaving a little more than he had written in the original to his grandchildren out of the main estate before it would be split between his children. The solicitor said it wasn’t legally enforceable, ie it wouldn’t stand up if contested, but that if his children agreed it could still be followed. That’s what we did, and so could you.

Original poster
Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 14:31

@Feelingrotten DM and DF split up a long time ago, actually sibling had quite a lot to do with that when we were young, encouraged DM to leave DF etc. It's a complicated situation and DF was devastated, never got over it really, so I was advised to take the legal route once she died unexpectedly rather than honour any woolly verbal agreements.

OP posts:
cardibach · 10/12/2025 14:32

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:04

No @TheCosyViewer I was with the solicitor and DF when DF drew up his will. DF then phoned sibling to explain what he'd done. Sibling seemed fine with it at the time. Then DM got ill and we made the verbal agreement.
But that's all by the by, we have to follow the law and what is stated there.

You do t have to ’follow the law’ - or at least, it doesn’t say what you think it does. With no will the default is to split between children (though there can be complications) but you can instruct the solicitor to follow the draft will.

ThatCyanCat · 10/12/2025 14:32

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 14:31

@Feelingrotten DM and DF split up a long time ago, actually sibling had quite a lot to do with that when we were young, encouraged DM to leave DF etc. It's a complicated situation and DF was devastated, never got over it really, so I was advised to take the legal route once she died unexpectedly rather than honour any woolly verbal agreements.

Interesting that your father is allowed to be traumatised all his life, but not your sibling when you want money they were promised.

Feelingrotten · 10/12/2025 14:35

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 14:31

@Feelingrotten DM and DF split up a long time ago, actually sibling had quite a lot to do with that when we were young, encouraged DM to leave DF etc. It's a complicated situation and DF was devastated, never got over it really, so I was advised to take the legal route once she died unexpectedly rather than honour any woolly verbal agreements.

Unless they are divorced, df is next of kin and inherits

Imdunfer · 10/12/2025 14:35

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 14:31

@Feelingrotten DM and DF split up a long time ago, actually sibling had quite a lot to do with that when we were young, encouraged DM to leave DF etc. It's a complicated situation and DF was devastated, never got over it really, so I was advised to take the legal route once she died unexpectedly rather than honour any woolly verbal agreements.

Oh puhleeeze stop blaming your greed on other people's advice! The fact she died intestate does not stop you honouring your mother's wishes or the promise you made to your sister. You were told you could legally go after that money, not that you had to, because you don't.

Your naked greed and attempt to justify it are pretty sickening.

LilacReader · 10/12/2025 14:37

Imdunfer · 10/12/2025 14:35

Oh puhleeeze stop blaming your greed on other people's advice! The fact she died intestate does not stop you honouring your mother's wishes or the promise you made to your sister. You were told you could legally go after that money, not that you had to, because you don't.

Your naked greed and attempt to justify it are pretty sickening.

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100% agree!

blankcanvas3 · 10/12/2025 14:37

You can only ask for 50% if you’re willing to share 50% of your father’s estate with her, which I’m assuming you won’t because you’re greedy. You asked if you were being unreasonable, not if you were following the law. So yes, you’re being unreasonable and I’m glad your sibling is refusing to speak to you.