Wedding planning - in law drama

[ellie09]

Hi all,

I'm getting married in July 2026 and its a fairly small wedding with just family and close friends. I only have 1 MOH and 1 best man involved, no other bridesmaids etc.

My partner and I are planning it together as we are financing it all (as it should be!)

There have been a few previous posts about my MIL always falling out with DP on various things and the saga continues, except this time, she has brought up the wedding.

Apparently, the in laws dont feel "included" in the planning, but theres nothing to include them in?

Points she raised:

1. That she hasn't seen my wedding dress and I brought my mum and MOH along.

I was only allowed 2 people for the appointment, as well as me, so I chose my own mother and my MOH as they are closest to me, so I dont see an issue with this?

1. Nobody in her family has a "role".

We have already mentioned I am just having my closest best friend and DP is only having one best man. I have 3 sisters I could have picked, and other close friends but I haven't. DP is the same. We were going to offer his mum or sisters a chance to do a reading etc, but now we aren't so sure.

1. Apparently, its an issue that they dont know the colour scheme?

We are currently undecided between two colours, we havent got a bridesmaid dress and have neutral flowers etc so I am not sure what I can do about that? Plus there's 8 months to go?

1. I got my bridal make up trial done without including MIL or his sisters.

I went on my own as it was a BRIDAL trial. MOH and my mum aren't getting a trial but I am footing the make up bill for both. MOH is a given and my mum had asked me. I had mentioned to MIL who I was using and all she said was the make up artist lived in a bad area, she knew other ones etc so I just thought that was the end of that?

AIBU with any of this?

I know wedding planning can be stressful and not sure if I am being a bridezilla?

I like to think I have been fair to all, especially as none of my family have been included in any planning etc either. We just want our guests to come and enjoy the day!

I think you should pay for a MUA for your MIL. Or your DH should. One of you, anyway. Anything your mum gets i think your MIL should get - flowers, hairdresser, whatever.

If you're not bothered what colour they wear for the wedding then say so, presumably they just want to "get it right" and align with your scheme, which is nice tbh.

The rest, I agree with. She sounds like a bit of a pain tbh.

She hasn’t seen your wedding dress - imo this is quite normal, my MIL never saw me in my dress until I walked down the aisle. My mum saw my dress and so did my MOH and bridesmaids.

Nobody in her family has a role - you’ve already mentioned it is a small wedding. I’m not sure what she’s expecting to be honest. Could you make up a role? Not saying you have to do this, but could dedicate silly jobs to them like making sure everyone is seated at X time or involve one of them in a speech if you are doing speeches. readings are also a good way to get them involved if you want to keep the peace.

They don’t know a colour scheme - just tell them to wear whatever they want.

Getting make up done - I think speak to your husband to be and ask him to contribute to getting his mum’s makeup done. As your mum is getting hers done, I think it would be a nice gesture to also offer this to MIL as well. We also had a small wedding and kept things pretty fair between my mum and my mother-in-law. If I was getting my mum’s hair done, I’d offered to get mother-in-law’s hair done. If I was getting my mum flowers, I’d be getting mother-in-law flowers too. I know you’ve already told MIL who is doing the make up but I would literally just message her and say this is the make up artist we are using, we are happy to contribute towards you having this done at X time on wedding morning. would you like to ask us to book this in for you?

The only reason I havent included her in the plans for the MUA is because when I mentioned the girl I was using, she immediately told me she lived in a bad area, that she knew plenty of others that can do bridal make up and said that she didn't like the style of the make up that my MUA is doing. My mum was booked in as the first thing she said was could she possibly get hers done also! Its a small area town where everyone knows everyone, and I didnt appreciate her comments about where somebody lives as if it can have an impact to do their job!

We have got both mums a flower wristband that matches the bridal party, so we have let her know this detail.

We were going to ask one of his sisters or his mum to do a reading but we havent decided yet what readings we want etc so we havent asked anyone yet.

It was on our agenda to in the new year!

We have told everyone to wear what they want as we want everyone to feel comfortable, and not worry about "matching". I feel thats only relevant really for bride/groom/BM and MOH.

She wants to match in with the wedding colours, that’s quite common. Many mothers of the bride and groom try to pick something that will tone in with the bridesmaid colours and will compliment the overall look. They also don’t want to wear the same colour outfit as each other (usually). Or clash with each other in the photos. It’s fairly normal.

So just tell her you haven’t decided yet (if you haven’t) and let her know when you do. Or tell her it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t.

I have no idea what his family are like, and I can’t work out if they are just overexcited or if they are just a bit controlling. Probably a mix of both?

So we had 24 people at our wedding, including me and my husband, so it was pretty small. We were pretty relaxed on what people wore as well. It’s a July wedding so you should have good weather so they should just be aiming to get some sort of nice summer wedding guest dress. I’d literally just say to them avoid white and black and wear whatever you want.

Maybe you could try and keep the peace and say that you were looking at a couple of readings during the ceremony and would mother-in-law and sister-in-law like to do one each altogether. Just say you haven’t chosen one yet but it’s on your to-do list.

Another thing you could do to make them feel a part of the wedding party as you can get flowers that go on your wrists for women I can’t remember what they’re called and also buttonhole flowers for the men could you maybe say that both sets of parents will be given these to wear on the day. We also had both dads wear the same colour tie.

It’s not a lot, but just something that makes them feel a bit more involved. I don’t think people realise that we with small weddings and smaller bridal parties there really isn’t much to do or be involved in.

Its between two colours, and we have told her what colours would NOT match the two we are deciding on, but other than that, we told her it doesnt matter.

You should keep her up to date with colours etc and keep her informed about what's happening. I'm sure she wants to be involved on some way as it's not just you getting wed but her son. They aren't just guests they are family.

Do you not get on with her? Do you already have a difficult relationship?

Yep, we have already ordered flower wristbands for both mums and informed them both - so she is well aware.

Its just baffling, as its not as if the wedding is next month and we are obviously still planning the finer details.

DP's dad isnt in the picture, so no need to include any FIL in this scenario. He does have a brother who is severely autistic and non verbal, so couldn't cope with being given a "role" in the wedding.

It isnt me that doesnt get on with her. We get along just fine when visiting etc.

My DP doesnt get on with her - always clashing, arguing etc over something, and its one thing after another. It just so happens this time, its about the wedding.

We live quite far apart so it isnt a particularly close relationship with the in laws.

Perhaps all the more reason to give them something to do. But at least keep them informed as to what the plans are.

I hope you have a lovely day with no drama.

I don’t know what else they are expecting from you and Dp Then! What a polava

I can understand her hurt tbh. Why wouldn't you just tell her the colour scheme? Why the secrecy?
Your own mother does have more of a role in the preparation and planning of your wedding, and I do think that's a bit sad for your MIL.

I do get it- you don't like her (she doesn't sound very nice, from what you've said, so I understand why!) and don't feel as comfortable in her company as you do with your mum and MOH. But I would make an effort to include her, personally.

I suspect whatever you do, it won’t be enough. So don’t go OTT including her as you will still be in the wrong.

There is no secrecy with the colour scheme - we are just undecided between two colours and all our flowers are neutral!

My own mum hasn't been included in any planning. The only things she has done that MIL hasn't, is go to my bridal dress appointment along with my MOH (I was only allowed two other guests) and I included her make up with my MUA as she had asked to be included when I gave her the details of who I was using - all MIL did was moan and complain about the MUA I was using then told me she could find someone better for make up, so I assumed there was no point in asking?

Both mums are being given flower wristbands to match bridal flowers and they have both been informed of this.

My mum is walking me down the aisle as my dad has passed away, so thats an additional role, but I dont think this requires an explanation really.

Why can't her son keep her up to date and informed about what is happening? Why is it OP's job to get her involved? OP's future MIL sounds like a pain in the arse.

OP has said that her MIL is difficult:

'There have been a few previous posts about my MIL always falling out with DP on various things and the saga continues, except this time, she has brought up the wedding.'

Oh dont I know it. This is a mum that has went to DP complaining about "how they used to be a tight knit family unit" but DP isnt treating them as such any more, but its all down to the arguments and fighting, and he is put off speaking with them any more than he has to, or visiting outside of special occasions.

I have spoke to DP about trying to resolve the long outstanding issues with his mum, but he doesnt want to. I cant exactly force him to either? Its got to a stage now where DP has blocked his mum's number and social media. He still talks a bit with his siblings.

It may be up to me now after DP blocked his mum's number etc last night.

Not just around the issues with the wedding, but a whole range of other issues that have been ongoing for months that neither of them can seem to find middle ground on.

I understand all this, but I think if you look at it from her POV, it's easy to feel that your mum and mate got to go dress shopping, you've booked to get her makeup done and not MILs, she'll be walking you down the aisle... And your MIL will just be a guest. You have really good reasons for including your mother in all those things, but it's just that from MIL's perspective, she isn't being treated the same. I'd give her a job of some sort and make an effort. Unfortunately, there just aren't the same traditions for grooms as there is for brides, so it's difficult for your DH to do this in your place.
I've been to many weddings where the bride's mum is obviously very involved and the groom's mum is just another guest. It's sad. I'd just make a bit of an effort if I were you, to keep everyone happy and involved.

OP everything you are doing sounds perfectly normal to me . You don’t sound like a bridezilla so aren’t making dramas out of everything. My mum helped pick the dress as obviously she is my mum and I don’t have that type of relationship with my in-laws. You don’t need to explain that type of thing to anyone.

On the colour scheme thing in my own experience the mothers like to know which colour the other mother and the bridesmaids are wearing so they don’t clash . Some people love to make sagas out of weddings.

Does she know what flowers will be on her wrist? Just tell her to get something that looks nice with that. And tell her to sort a MUA who does make up in a style she likes and your DH will pay (within reason! Maybe offer the same amount as your mum's makeup is costing)

That is entirely up to DP though isnt it?

I were also planning to give DP and his mum a special mother and son dance after ours in the evening, but DP says he no longer wants to?

We are planning on giving his family roles in the ceremony with readings etc. Other than that there isnt much more we can do.

I can see the frustration from a groom's mums POV (and as a boy mum myself!) But she has two daughters of her own that may have weddings in the future to be further involved in!

This would drive me crazy and family dramas are the reason DH & I got married overseas on our own 😂 There is a way of looking at this that’s quite sweet- she wants to feel included. I know I would probably dig my heels in more for privacy but diplomacy could be your best way forward 🙏🏼

I think its not unusual for MILs to feel very much out of the picture when a wedding is being organised. Some don't but it's not unusual. After all, it's their son's wedding too I guess.

There are two ways this can be played. Either stand your ground and say don't interfere - which normally doesn't end in a great atmosphere on the day - or throw her a few bones. Offer for her to join the make-up. If she says it doesn't work for her, could you book the one she DOES like just for her? I realise that's a bit ott, but I think really you are just trying to demonstrate you are trying. You can go off-script to do so.

What is stopping you decide on the colours? Can you resolve that and tell her she is "the first to know."

And is it such a big deal if someone from their side does a reading?

At the moment you have an answer for everything, and I'm not saying you are making it up, but if you could just "give" on a couple of things I think it would help.

All too often this becomes as power play more than anything that really matters, and I do think it is far better for you for the day and atmosphere to be lovely

The wedding dress shopping was weird to me considering I went to a local shop, thats 2 hours away from her address (with no readily available public transport) and she doesn't drive, so wouldnt be able to attend anyway.. Go figure.