Wedding planning - in law drama

[ellie09]

Hi all,

I'm getting married in July 2026 and its a fairly small wedding with just family and close friends. I only have 1 MOH and 1 best man involved, no other bridesmaids etc.

My partner and I are planning it together as we are financing it all (as it should be!)

There have been a few previous posts about my MIL always falling out with DP on various things and the saga continues, except this time, she has brought up the wedding.

Apparently, the in laws dont feel "included" in the planning, but theres nothing to include them in?

Points she raised:

1. That she hasn't seen my wedding dress and I brought my mum and MOH along.

I was only allowed 2 people for the appointment, as well as me, so I chose my own mother and my MOH as they are closest to me, so I dont see an issue with this?

1. Nobody in her family has a "role".

We have already mentioned I am just having my closest best friend and DP is only having one best man. I have 3 sisters I could have picked, and other close friends but I haven't. DP is the same. We were going to offer his mum or sisters a chance to do a reading etc, but now we aren't so sure.

1. Apparently, its an issue that they dont know the colour scheme?

We are currently undecided between two colours, we havent got a bridesmaid dress and have neutral flowers etc so I am not sure what I can do about that? Plus there's 8 months to go?

1. I got my bridal make up trial done without including MIL or his sisters.

I went on my own as it was a BRIDAL trial. MOH and my mum aren't getting a trial but I am footing the make up bill for both. MOH is a given and my mum had asked me. I had mentioned to MIL who I was using and all she said was the make up artist lived in a bad area, she knew other ones etc so I just thought that was the end of that?

AIBU with any of this?

I know wedding planning can be stressful and not sure if I am being a bridezilla?

I like to think I have been fair to all, especially as none of my family have been included in any planning etc either. We just want our guests to come and enjoy the day!

If you are unsure about a reading, could you get her to be one of the witnesses signing the register?

Sounds exactly like my inlaws, you have my sympathies!
They were okay but very disinterested during the planning process but kicked off after about ‘not being included’. They were involved in all the normal ways and were never able to explain why exactly they felt left out. Our relationship has never been the same as I can’t move past them causing so much drama and ruining our post wedding happiness.

They DO have a role!! Your mil is mother of the groom and Fil is father of the groom!! It’s not their wedding and you shouldn’t be feeling you have to have her involved any more than she is. Your mum should be the only one at certain things as she is the mother of the bride!!! It’s something you want to do together! If your mil wants to go and see her son try on suits well she needs to speak to him about this but she’s not entitled to anything else and making bitchy nasty comments about your mua isn’t going to make you think oh let’s invite her to get her makeup done too is it?!! And also you shouldn’t be paying for her to get her makeup done if you are paying for all the other stuff in the wedding!! Absolutely ridiculous!!

make it clear NOW that you aren’t taking any of this shit and also make it your husband to bes problem as they are his parents and yoi
Shouldn’t have to be worrying about any of their crap and he needs to tell them
to pull their heads in!!

Good!!! Then he needs to tell THEM this politely!! It’s your and dp wedding and you are doing it as you want it so carry on!! Nothing they need to do other than turn up!!

There are some circumstances where I wonder why people even have weddings.

Eloping has a lot to be said for it ...

Then that's it. She's his relative and he gets the decision of how to deal with her. He has to tell her she's not included though. He can't put dealing with his mom on you. You're a team here, don't let her try to drive a wedge in between you.

If he's blocked her, I would too. That shows her you support your fiance.

This. Plus have someone from his family do a reading.

Don't do it. You will both regret it in the future.

It drives me mad that people (especially- but not exclusively- mums/older women) seem to go mental about weddings. I’ve seen friends’ parents I’ve known for years transform from lovely people into demanding monsters with the need to feel important at an event that is not their own in the name of ‘tradition’.

You don’t sound like you’re being a bridezilla, prioritising one family over another or that your decision timelines are unreasonable. You sound level headed and mature, unlike your MIL. While you shouldn’t have to, could you give her a token job to do (e.g. sorting favours or something else insignificant) that would take up her time during the planning process and redirect her attention elsewhere? If she acts like a child, she can be treated as one.

Alternatively (and my preference), your DP can lay down the boundaries now and tell her to calm down or she risks any future relationship you both may want with her. It’s clearly already negatively impacting your partner and needs to be addressed.

Best of luck to you navigating this. The immaturity of the bridal couples’ parents/close relations at weddings needs to be studied!

I would make it absolutely clear to her that if she says anything like this again then she won't be coming to the wedding full stop.

Actually, Do you think your DP would like to exclude her but doesn't feel able? I wonder if you suggest uninviting her he might jump at the idea. Perhaps he's sort of waiting for permission? Reassure him it's ok to not entertain her whatsoever. He might only be tolerating her because of a sense of expectation. If he's crying it sounds like this is really effecting him. Has she been controlling and domineering his whole life? Make it very clear to him that you're in his corner, and will back him whatever he chooses.

He has already told her she is on a thine line of being completely uninvited, and hes told me that he will do it, but not sure if this is just emotion talking.

From conversations with DP about his mum, he did acknowledge that his mum brought him and his three siblings up well on her own, but he was controlled a lot growing up, not given the same freedoms as his friends, and that arguments and fighting have been ongoing since he moved out for uni over ten years ago, where it was constant fighting about him not visiting enough or caring about the family, if he didnt visit every week.

He used to visit every other week, but since he's been with me in my house and I have a SEN child in the house, he says he is far too tired after working and parenting with me throughout the week to make an almost 4 hour round journey every other week back to his mums. Theres never any offer for his mum to come up our way either (she doesn't drive, but his sister does, she just doesnt like driving apparently). I can very rarely make the journey up with him as my own SEN child struggled with the long journey and day away from home and can get disregulated, but I do encourage him to go alone - he just doesnt want to.

Why would I accomodate when she has been so rude, and clearly doesnt want to make use of who I have organised?

The point is to have offered, regardless of whether she accepts or not (and you sound reasonably confident she will not).

Honestly stop justifying your decisions - it’s your wedding and you’re paying so you can do whatever you want - it can take place in a circus if that’s what you choose.

anytime she complains or comments just say “oh we’re not planning on having x as it’s only a small wedding” and move on the conversation.

honestly my MIL was the same, commenting on the bridesmaid dresses, the decor, transport arrangements, readings and so on, and then worse when it came to pregnancy, baby and childcare etc. so you just need to curtail all the commentary. I’ve learnt my lesson now and she’s finally ceased commenting on all our lifestyle choices as a result. “We’re not having a colour scheme / we’ve decided not to bother with x / xyz doesn’t work for us / that’s not our preference”.

1. Shut up.
2. Shut up.
3. Shut up.
4. Stop trying to engineer an argument.
5. Seriously, stop moaning.

Your chap needs to tell her it’s a small wedding without a lot of fuss and the planning is therefore pretty low key.

She would wind me up something chronic.

You need to follow your DP on this. If he has blocked her, so do you. Don't go around fixing things, smoothing things over, including her etc. That's DP's job. If he doesn't want to speak to her, that's his right.

I made this mistake in my first marriage and it ultimately contributed to our marriage breaking down. MIL was batshit but by taking on the role in the beginning, I could never shake it and the pressure piled on and on.

You may think this is bonkers but manageable now. Let me tell you, once you have another 5 years of this, it won't be.

By choosing to telll her what colours not to wear and other than that “it doesn’t matter” you are really being very standoffish. Just tell her you can’t decide between pink or blue (or whatever) and let her have fun looking up dress options that would harmonise with both options. There’s zero reason to not just say which colours you’re considering, and by refusing to say you are deliberately excluding her on something that would give her a lot of joy and make her feel part of the process.

It’s just a fact you haven't included them but you have come up with lots of excuses for not doing so. You might like to think you have been fair but have you really- disrespected you husband to be mother all you want but good luck with that and ask yourself how you would feel if it was your mum. You might not think you have excluded her but she feels excluded - does that bother you & what are you wanting to do to fix this ? If nothing don’t look for others advice so you can claim the lm right moral high ground. Objectively take a look at how it’s going

I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. But, as a mother of four boys, I’ve been very grateful to be included in some things.

I think there’s a natural level of jealousy/missing out that goes with the bridal dress. I wasn’t included and that was totally fine. It doesn’t mean that my heart didn’t feel a little pang when I saw photos on social media of the bride, her mum, grandma, aunt and MOH outside the store. Deep down I know it wasn’t my place to be there though so I would never, ever make mention of it.

It was lovely to be included in the hen’s weekend events. The bride and her MOH and bridesmaids stayed in a hotel together, but it was all local. I received an invite to the weekend and it was all sorts of small events, think breakfasts, party games, clubbing and a high tea. I’m astute enough to know that the future MIL is not supposed to go to all of these. I contacted the lovely MOH and asked exactly which bits of the weekend I should turn up to. Honestly, if I hadn’t been invited at all I would have understood, but it was really lovely to be included in some of it.

I guess what I’m saying is, for the sake of future relations, can you find a way for the MIL and perhaps your partners sisters to be included. Let them know as soon as you can. If it is going to be a reading or something similar, tell them now so she knows that she will feel included on the day. I don’t think it needs to be big things like the dress fitting, but being included in some way does feel nice.

my husband would never say anything about being included or not, but I know that on the morning of the wedding, he was really touched to be given a lapel pin for his suit, that matched the one the groom and the groomsmen were wearing.

I’ve never heard of this before ! I think I’d feel really self conscious with everyone looking at me !

There isn't much you can do. She sounds jealous of you.
And hasn't yet worked out that a mans love for his wife is not competing with his love for his mum.
I can almost hear ' it is his wedding too'. All you can do is be calm. Not react. And hopefully when she realises there isn't going to be a fight, focus on something positive instead.

Mil wasn't invited to our wedding. We wanted drama free.
And tell your mil her family ARE involved.. Her ds is the bloody groom.

Why should she see your wedding dress. That is only for your own mother and bridesmaids to see before the wedding.

You clearly haven't read the OP's previous posts. She has said a number of times that future mil was invited but declined.

I think Op is in a difficult position being 2hrs away, a sen child to consider & a partner who doesn't get on with his mum!

I voted YANBU to your original post, but with the caveat that it can be easy to feel a bit left out, as MoG, if the B&G don't chat to you about the planning, decisions, and general excitement of preparing for a wedding.

I appreciate my lovely DiL more and more when I read some posts on MN, as she did have lots of conversations with me about details of the wedding. Absolutely it was her / their choice, but it was nice to feel included with conversations about all sorts of little decisions throughout all the planning.

That she hasn't seen my wedding dress and I brought my mum and MOH along.
I hadn't seen my 'DiL2B' s dress until she walked down the aisle and I would not expect to have.

Nobody in her family has a "role"

In a normal family dynamic, this does seem odd. There are plenty of things (like readings, or like witnessing the register, or ushers) that people can be asked to do. However , following your later posts about your dh not speaking to her other than to argue, then it seems she should be feeling lucky to be invited at all.

Apparently, its an issue that they dont know the colour scheme?

This one I can understand. She (and his sisters presumably) will be wanting to get their outfits and will want to know if there are any colours you would like the to wear, OR any colours you want them to avoid. I had conversations with my DiL2B about this and also asked her about her Mum's outfit. I think that really is a very normal conversation to have.

I got my bridal make up trial done without including MIL or his sisters. Again, very normal. I wasn't asked, and wouldn't expect to be asked to have my make up done with the bride and the bridesmaids and bride's Mum. Those are a special couple of hours for the women close to the bride. My job at that time is fussing over my own son if I felt the need to fuss over anyone I didn't .

AIBU with any of this? - Only feeling that asking about colours is her being awkward.