Wedding planning - in law drama

[ellie09]

Hi all,

I'm getting married in July 2026 and its a fairly small wedding with just family and close friends. I only have 1 MOH and 1 best man involved, no other bridesmaids etc.

My partner and I are planning it together as we are financing it all (as it should be!)

There have been a few previous posts about my MIL always falling out with DP on various things and the saga continues, except this time, she has brought up the wedding.

Apparently, the in laws dont feel "included" in the planning, but theres nothing to include them in?

Points she raised:

1. That she hasn't seen my wedding dress and I brought my mum and MOH along.

I was only allowed 2 people for the appointment, as well as me, so I chose my own mother and my MOH as they are closest to me, so I dont see an issue with this?

1. Nobody in her family has a "role".

We have already mentioned I am just having my closest best friend and DP is only having one best man. I have 3 sisters I could have picked, and other close friends but I haven't. DP is the same. We were going to offer his mum or sisters a chance to do a reading etc, but now we aren't so sure.

1. Apparently, its an issue that they dont know the colour scheme?

We are currently undecided between two colours, we havent got a bridesmaid dress and have neutral flowers etc so I am not sure what I can do about that? Plus there's 8 months to go?

1. I got my bridal make up trial done without including MIL or his sisters.

I went on my own as it was a BRIDAL trial. MOH and my mum aren't getting a trial but I am footing the make up bill for both. MOH is a given and my mum had asked me. I had mentioned to MIL who I was using and all she said was the make up artist lived in a bad area, she knew other ones etc so I just thought that was the end of that?

AIBU with any of this?

I know wedding planning can be stressful and not sure if I am being a bridezilla?

I like to think I have been fair to all, especially as none of my family have been included in any planning etc either. We just want our guests to come and enjoy the day!

It’s just a part of being the males side. Unless your son is very involved in the planning and let’s face it most men are not then his parents will be left out so to speak.

I don’t understand why mils think their dils should invite them to dress viewings and such. If anything it should be the suit fittings.

Back when the brides parents paid they basically picked and chose everything and where merely invited in the Sense of Mr and Mrs brides surname invite you to the wedding of bride and groom.

It’s nothing new.

Parents being included is a fairly old tradition, and it was usually because the parents usually chipped in or paid for the wedding so essentially they "had a say".

In this day and age, most couples plan and pay for their own weddings, which means involvement from others is not really required, at least to the same extent.

She has two daughters of her own so it may happen for her one day!

I love that it takes two ❤️

Could your MIL be one of the two witnesses? That is an important role that surely she would be pleased with.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Count yourself lucky that your fiance recognises this behaviour as being unreasonable too. Take the lead from him. It's not on you to facilitate their relationship and keep her happy. I learned that the hard way. Set the ground rules now for how you want things to be going forward as it's much harder to backtrack later. Especially if there's kids involved down the line.

"We have told everyone to wear what they want as we want everyone to feel comfortable, and not worry about "matching". I feel thats only relevant really for bride/groom/BM and MOH."

She wants to match - she want to feel like and be seen to be "in" the wedding and i think it would be nice to facilitate that - if you havent decided yet tell her that and let her know that you will tell her! And that you would be very happy for her to dress in that scheme if she is comfortable doing so.

I agree it would also be nice to offer to include her in the make up on the day.

Does she spend a lot of time on social media by any chance? Are DP's sisters married or engaged?

It sounds as though it's all about you and your family. It doesn't bode well that you are excluding your future mother in law at this early stage. Hopefully you will be part of his family for a long time so it's in all your best interests to be inclusive and build a good relationship.

Offering one reading is a good option plus ask sil to be an usher, you don’t really need them for small weddings but may make her feel included

Its just baffling, as its not as if the wedding is next month and we are obviously still planning the finer details.

Just keep saying this: there isn't much else she can say after that.

I have my MUA - MIL didnt want this MUA to do the make up because she doesnt like where MUA lives (judgemental IMO especially considering the MUA will travel on the day to our venue). MIL continued to pressure me to "let her friend's daughter do it" as she does make up on the side, but works full time and we have a mid week wedding? When I didnt pander to her demand, she then said she didnt like the style of my MUA (despite she can amend to whatever someone likes) and that she will find someone better to do hers. Why would I accomodate when she has been so rude, and clearly doesnt want to make use of who I have organised? My mum and MOH doesnt have a problem with it.

DP's sisters dont have partners, but they are still young (one mid 20s and one is my age in early 30s) so there is still plenty of time for another wedding.

That's really lovely.

So much nicer than when the focus is on keeping everyone at arm's length.

This is another part of the pattern of her relationship with your fiance, they clash and argue over everything. Of course they're going to about his big life event too.

It's a small wedding, there's really nothing to include her in. I don't think she should be expecting to go along to your things like dress fittings. She's not your mom. Doing things with the bride is for the bridal party and she's not that. I think she wants to be but then you have to deal with having a combative person you're not comfortable with being in your intimate space during a big life event. Don't do that to yourself. This is your day, not hers.

Take the makeup artist. She already made a negative remark about your makeup artist, so don't include her there. Would she be the type who would complain while there?

It sounds like she likes to stir and cause trouble. You won't be able to make her happy, she's always going to want more. Well, that means people don't want her around. Like her son.

Let her son deal with her. Just refer her to him. Let him take the lead here.

My MIL was the same, EXACTLY! They felt hard done by and that they needed to know and be involved in everything 😆

So I did find something for MIL to take responsibility for - and that was a handful of family guests that came over from abroad for our wedding. I left MIL in charge of the overseas liaisons - she got well stuck into researching a hotel for them to stay (she wasn't happy with the hotel we had arranged special rates with where everyone else included ourselves stayed). It was her little project. To the extent that she did a reky to see the rooms to check for suitability before booking 😆 Anyway she had a job to do and it made her feel involved and important. She stayed off my case after that and stopped asking for every detail - particularly when I kept asking her for every detail about what she was doing, the colour of the hotel cushions, softness of the beds etc 😆

Honestly OP if you can't beat them, let them join

👌

None of my family are part of the bridal party. My mum is walking me down the aisle as my father has passed away, and thats it.

My mum is only included in make up arrangements as she asked to be included whilst MIL slagged off my MUA and said she would find her own?

I have my own three sisters who aren't getting to be bridesmaids, having make up done or flowers etc. Which is precisely why we made it fair and included no siblings on either side in the bridal party.

My best friend of almost 20 years is my MOH and best man is my DP's best friend (who he was BM for at his wedding).

Absolutely not. If he’s blocked her, that’s on him. If she mithers you, tell her to talk to her son.

She is obviously feeling left out; just include her more.
The pair of you stop getting defensive and listen to what is being said.
Nobody is wrong or right but someone is feeling left out so make a bit of effort (both of you). Ask her if she wants her make up done, run through what you have chosen to date and what is outstanding.
If she has an opinion you don't like just say we are all different and keep smiling.

This is a good idea OP, think we had our mums as witnesses too to include them more.

DP doesnt want her included. He told me as such.

She sounds awful. None of it is her business. Shes the grooms mum not your relative.

You perhaps should have asked MIL if she wanted her make up doing. Its not as though the wedding is a cast if thousands and you'd be unable to fit her in. It would have been a thoughtful gesture imo.

OP offered for her MUA to do her MIL's make-up as well and her MIL just slagged off the MAU and suggested OP use someone else that MIL knew who actually only did make-up at weekends and OP is having a mid-week wedding..

MIL is definitely in the wrong for being difficult and interfering and making her own son cry. Why should she be pandered to and given special treatment as a reward for her poor behaviour?

This is a very simple wedding and all most people need to do is turn up on the day. The groom has a Best Man, OP has a Maid of Honour and OP's mum will walk her down the aisle because OP's dad has died. MIL can just relax and enjoy the wedding.

We did mention. She said MUA is from a rough area of the town, that she knows someone better who can do it. So she wasnt booked in.

OP has said that MIL did not want makeup done by OPs MUA. She is in a pissy because OP didnt change the MUA to one she liked.

Edit- sorry ignore my cross post

OP did ask MIL if she wanted her make up doing. MIL just slagged off OP's MUA and sugggested someone else who actually doesn't do make-up on week days when OP is having a week-day wedding.

She is just being awkward and demanding.

I took mil to the shop to show her the dress and we had coffee afterwards to try and include her.

Colour scheme was one of first things we decided so that wasn't an issue.

I didnt pay for make up artist but if you and dp are paying for your own mum then of course you need to include mil.