Wedding planning - in law drama

[ellie09]

Hi all,

I'm getting married in July 2026 and its a fairly small wedding with just family and close friends. I only have 1 MOH and 1 best man involved, no other bridesmaids etc.

My partner and I are planning it together as we are financing it all (as it should be!)

There have been a few previous posts about my MIL always falling out with DP on various things and the saga continues, except this time, she has brought up the wedding.

Apparently, the in laws dont feel "included" in the planning, but theres nothing to include them in?

Points she raised:

1. That she hasn't seen my wedding dress and I brought my mum and MOH along.

I was only allowed 2 people for the appointment, as well as me, so I chose my own mother and my MOH as they are closest to me, so I dont see an issue with this?

1. Nobody in her family has a "role".

We have already mentioned I am just having my closest best friend and DP is only having one best man. I have 3 sisters I could have picked, and other close friends but I haven't. DP is the same. We were going to offer his mum or sisters a chance to do a reading etc, but now we aren't so sure.

1. Apparently, its an issue that they dont know the colour scheme?

We are currently undecided between two colours, we havent got a bridesmaid dress and have neutral flowers etc so I am not sure what I can do about that? Plus there's 8 months to go?

1. I got my bridal make up trial done without including MIL or his sisters.

I went on my own as it was a BRIDAL trial. MOH and my mum aren't getting a trial but I am footing the make up bill for both. MOH is a given and my mum had asked me. I had mentioned to MIL who I was using and all she said was the make up artist lived in a bad area, she knew other ones etc so I just thought that was the end of that?

AIBU with any of this?

I know wedding planning can be stressful and not sure if I am being a bridezilla?

I like to think I have been fair to all, especially as none of my family have been included in any planning etc either. We just want our guests to come and enjoy the day!

That is entirely up to DP though isnt it?

Only if you leave it up to him. Can't you just book her MUA?

I have 2 sons. It is difficult to be a future mil because you understand that a daughter will usually be much closer to their own mum.
My youngest ds recently got married. My dil asked me ( along with her mum) to her 1st try on of her wedding dress. I certainly would not have said anything if she hadn’t but I was very touched that she did that. It was quite emotional for me as I don’t have a dd so it was an experience I thought I would never had. She also invited me when she was shopping for her wedding jewellery.
Overall though her own mum, bridesmaids , and sisters were much more involved in the planning. I would never say anything because I love my dil and she is a beautiful person. But I did sometimes feel a bit left out . The wedding was very important to me too.
Maybe your future mil is a difficult person. But this wedding is important to her so it would be nice to try to take her feelings on board and find small things to include her in. It will make for a happier day when it happens

Why are you involved? As you rightly said, you cant make him do anything? Mute her messages. Start as you mean to go on.

I think she is being ridiculous but to keep the peace I would think up a job for her to do in the planning. Maybe look into flowers? Or cake? Anything really that will keep her busy and feel like she is involved.

You should include her , dies she want her make up and hair done the morning?

Ask her opinion on favours or something. She's obviously feeling a bit hurt that you aren't including her

Tell Fiancé to get a grip of his ‘D’M. If he doesn’t this will go on & on forever!

Well op I think this is the answer you came seeking, so maybe just do that: don't make any allowances for her, and ignore the other posters.

I think this is a "posting for opinions that match mine" thread?

Just tell her you've booked the make up lady and suggest that she book someone that she likes. Some people are just really uptight and controlling about this stuff and want to be included in every detail. I am not sure if it's because it's a much bigger deal to them or they have nothing else to think about.

My Dad obsessed about the colours too even though we gave him a suit colour and said we'd supply the tie when DH had chosen the colour. He must have asked me a gibbilion times. DH eventually gave up and just picked something to get him off our case. Our wedding was super low key so my parents just had to show up. Mum was fine but Dad obsessed about every little detail he didn't know.

Don't let it bug you, you're not being unreasonable. It's one day.

I still don't think that it's your responsibility. She is obviously a very difficult woman and if her own son doesn't want to communicate with her, it wouldn't be fair for you to have to take on this responsibility.

She has already complained about and slagged off the Make-up Artist that you have chosen so she will need to sort out her own make-up.

You don't want or need her help or input on anything wedding-related so there is nothing for her to do apart from turn up on the day.

He has so far, he seemed to have enough last night and got quite upset (he was crying etc) over what his mum was saying to him (not just the wedding, but comparing him to his estranged dad that takes nothing to do with him, was abusive etc)

I spent a lot of time consoling an upset DP last night and he told me he was done with even speaking to her on the phone.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to include my MIL in anything tbh.

We didn't/don't have a close relationship.

As it was I didn't go dress shopping or have a MUA.

We did ask her about who to seat with whom/who not to seat with whom for the meal.

Yep and we assumed this was what was best for everyone. MIL has an adult severely disabled son that needs 24/7 care, so she cant exactly dedicate much time to any planning or specific role on the day.

Even my own son isnt getting much of a role other than a matching suit (he's SEN as well).

We thought we were doing the right thing for everyone by just telling them to "show up and enjoy!"

Even my own mum has no idea on entertainment, cake, and all the finer details! Me and DP are planning it all

Just wait until she hears that theres no top table and me and DP are just having a sweetheart table (us two) for dinner

It will truly hit the fan then!

All of this just sounds normal to me. I didn’t take my MIL (either of them - my DH has a stepmum too) dress shopping and there just aren’t any traditional roles or speeches for the groom’s family. We asked my DH’s two sisters to do a reading during the service to kind of make up for that.

I’d try and sort the colour scheme sooner rather than later as it’s understandable the mums will want to sort their outfits and try and complement the colours.

We did that too - best decision we made, wouldn’t have had any time to speak to each other at all otherwise! Plus there was too much family politics to do anything else…

Yep we decided fairly early on due to the imbalance of family sides, our MOH and best man probably want to sit with their partners etc and that sitting in a long table doesnt really let you have much conversation other than who is next to you anyway.

We wanted a bit of us time throughout a day of chaos

I've been to many weddings where the bride's mum is obviously very involved and the groom's mum is just another guest. It's sad. I'd just make a bit of an effort if I were you, to keep everyone happy and involved.

imo that is bonkers. Sure if you want to and you like your MIL. Not so much OPs situation tho?

that is one of the thing Boy Mum's just have to put up with: they are not mother of the bride, so any dress shopping or inclusion is just a bonus. If the bride wants to.

I does seek weddings leave mums out of some of the traditions. At our wedding we tapped into an old tradition where the mums of bride / groom came together at the front and plaited two ribbons together which they then gave to us. It’s symbolic of the two families joining.

Your fiance needs to have a word with his mother and tell her to calm down. She is his mother, not yours, so she shouldn’t be expecting to muscle in on things like dress fitting and makeup. And she does have a “role” in the wedding - she is the mother of the groom. She gets to sit near the front and watch her son marry the woman he loves.

Nip this in the bud now, calmly and firmly. Show her a united front. Don’t let her set a precedent for a lifetime of boundary-trampling.

But she is different.

It’s not at all unusual for only the bride’s mum to go dress shopping, and maybe a friend or two. OP doesn’t need to invite her MIL.

OP doesn’t have a colour scheme yet.

She offered the MUA and MIL was funny about it.

OP’s mum is giving her away because her father isn’t here. Do we get father’s of the groom getting all upset that the bride’s father has that role? No. This is not any different.

There’s only so much you can involve someone in wedding planning.

@unsevered67 your post resonates with me as a MIL to be. I also have 2 ds and I would love to be part of the wedding dress shopping. I also would want to make sure the colour of my dress did not match the Mother of the bride. If make up was being done I would like to be asked. I love my sons fiancée and am excited for them. It is so difficult to not be too involved but then not to be seen as uninterested. I am hoping that ds will want me involved and love that we want to be part of their day.

Have you considered marrying someone else who has a more agreeable family?

I could not be bothered putting up with all that nonsense.

Thinking about it I didn't include my mum in much either.

I sorted my dress/shoes hair myself.

She shopped with dad for her outfit.

We did decorate the church together.

Mil was asked but didn't come.

If you have a good, close relationship with both, I am sure they will include you!

It didnt cross my mind with my MIL, because although we do get on well, we live quite far apart (almost 2 hours away) so rarely see each other, and also friction between MIL and my DP makes it difficult to form a close relationship when there are long stretches of time where they aren't on speaking terms. MIL also doesnt drive and in a rural location, so trying to organise for her to get down for all these planning appointments is just not feasible unless DP makes an almost 4 hour round trip to get her up my direction and back down!

We are having our wedding location in MIL's home town though, and we booked it up that direction with the in laws in mind and it was only fair considering the distance between our home towns (and my family live round the corner from me).

Op while your answers are fair enough, they’ve also made fair points! It’s tough for mums of boys, my mum got to do so much with me then for my brother’s wedding we were a as leats being told of all these fun things they were doing with tastings and make up and dresses and we were just there for the wedding and that was it. You do feel very ‘othered!’ Fine in our case as my mum had my sister’s wedding and mine, but I’d guess it sucks if that’s the only wedding going on