To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

Your partner needs to arrange childcare for his kids when he had them but isn’t off work himself. I don’t get why this is even a discussion?

Yes you help out with the odd day / emergency etc. but there’s shouldn’t be a 2.5 week “allocation” of time given to you to look after your SC.

Do you not think the bigger issue is that the OP is using up her annual leave to look after her step children whilst their father is at work?

The only time I have ever taken off work to be with DSD, her dad was there too (i.e. holidays).

Of course there are times (many!) where I pick DSD up, drop her off at dance class, take her to appointments etc etc - that's all part and parcel of being a family.

But on no planet would my DH (or his ex for that matter!) ever expect me to book holidays from work to stay at home and look after DSD for a week or two at a time!!!

Jeezo op, you have more than done your bit. Time to put your foot down, and enjoy your own child. The lazy ass parents need to step up!

Honestly I can't say without knowing much more about their history and how they come to be where they are. On the face if it, no, I think if you build a life with a parent of 3 kids, move in with them and have your own babies, you may well ending up spending your annual leave on childcare for those 4+ kids.

I cant imagine how I would build a whole new life with someone while having young kids unless they stepped up to that degree frankly. If they wanted me, they'd have to get their SP spirit in action.

I disagree.

On a separate note, I wonder how many days holidays the children's mums new partner is using of his AL to look after them.... 🤔

I'm going to go with zero as it always falls on the women to do this sort of shit.

Presumably, you are quite capable of caring for your own children as a single parent, so why would you need your partner to step in and parent them for you? They are not their parent.

Because I work long hours and night shifts that childcare doesnt cover. I relied on family when their dad was also at work. If I was single, I'd have no time to date someone to the point we build a life together if they would never do any childcare. We just wouldn't get there. I'd have to base myself 50/50 between my home and my mum's to minimise their disruption and still parent given my changeable shifts and unpredictable working hours.

Don't you know any active stepdads?

Not ones who would use their annual leave to look after their step-children, no.

That's a shame. I know plenty of men who have done things like that for their stepkids. That's why the mums' of those kids could build a life with them.

You’ve been very generous in the past giving up your free time to look after other people’s children and now the time has come to stop.
You will tie yourself up in knots trying to solve this when it isn’t even your problem to solve !
I must be old fashioned but I wouldn’t even call them step children unless I was married to their father .
Don’t let the actual parents make this your problem , take a big step back .

Even if you lived with their parent and had your own child with them? If my partner EVER referred to my kids as "someone else's kids'", they'd be out my fucking house so fast their head would spin.

Anyone who would speak about their stepkids that way is seriously mentally defunct.

But they ARE someone else's kids. They are her partner's kids. That is a statement of fact. They aren't her step-children because she isn't married.

Which is kind of true...

Of course you're not unreasonable but you're going to have to accept that this will be the outcome, and Dad will need to pay for childcare.

Yes they are her partners kids. If my partner would refer to my kid the same way he would refer to a stranger's kids, then he would be out of my life that second. I'd assume he is emotionally detached at best and cold and cruel at worst. That isnt normal. That's wicked stepparent business that.

It'll be less than the number OP does I bet!

Well the OP clearly doesn't think of them as "stranger's kids" does she, seeing as though she has been caring for them for years...

No, though now she has her own baby, it does seem like she is forgetting that she had that baby with a man who already had 3.

They're not their kids. They never will be their kids. They will never be legally recognised as their kids. They will never see themselves as their kids and they will definitely resent it if they try to force a parent/child relationship.

You haven't ever actually been in this situation by the sounds of it, so you don't actually know how it would work, but I can say that any single parents who think they going to be able to find a partner and that partner is going to instantly be willing to act as a second Daddy to their kids and they (and their actual Dad if he's present) are going to be OK with that, they're in for a shock.

In relationships we have responsibilities (such as joint care of the home and shared children, playing an agreed part in family finances, etc.) and we also do lots of nice things for our partner which we do out of love, not because we have to. Care of the stepchildren is an act of care and love, not an act of duty.

The mums are usually a good mum and partner though so it actually incentivises the stepdad to do these things.

Stepmums are time and time again lumbered with a man who causes them endless stress and upset, so it’s understandable why stepmums end up not seeing why they should give up annual leave for their stepchildren.

I know lots of blended families. I come from one. Nobody expects it right out of the door but everyone I know accepts that if you want a serious relationship with a single parent, you're going to be doing some form of childcare at some point. Probably quite a lot. If you're not willing to do that, then your relationship will have a natural ceiling.

Nobody I know would accept their partner talking about their children as "someone's kids". Nobody.

Why would stepmum stay with a man who isn't a good partner? That's a problem in itself before you start dragging the kids in and referring to them as "someone's kids". If a man is so bad that you start to dehumanise his children, you need to leave.

How is referring to them as someone else's kids dehumanising? Do you see everyone else's kids as subhuman? I think everyone's kids are humans. I don't try to parent them all. No single parent should be out there looking for a partner with the expectation they parent their children for them or provide childcare. If you need childcare for your kids, hire a nanny.

I wouldnt see my partner's kids as someone else's kids because I have normal emotions and attachment processes. I'd call them my stepkids. I might call them my partner's kids. I would never refer to them as someone else's kids like I would a little kid I saw out of the window. That just seems strange and inhumane to me.

This is why the wicked stepmother trope still exists. People think this is normal. Its fucking awful.