To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

You are not married, don't share finances yet you ended up being free childcare.
Unbelievable OP.
You have been sold some pup!

Not knowing what you dont know, in a lot of cases. Bloke with kids finding a woman without any to share the care with is common enough to be a trope. The woman doesn't realise how much she's having the piss taken until she has her own.

Fwiw I personally would not have wanted a relationship with a father of 3, but it's easy to see how someone might not realise what they're getting into.

Well I fully accept and care for my SC... But I'm not using up all my AL to look after them whilst my DH works and his ex sits at home! But then again my DH would never expect me to do that....

I don’t know why you’d choose to make your life more difficult for parenting standards when the kids aren’t yours! I’m a stepparent and I want an easy life! Seriously get them some stuff to keep them busy and out of your hair.

I don’t think you’re BU about stopping all the childcare, inform your DP asap.

You absolutely shouldn't choose a partner with children if you can't accept them being around and be kind to them.

You also absolutely shouldn't either expect or accept to become a parent just because you are in a relationship with a parent- especially if they already have an active second parent in their lives.

No child needs more than 2 parents.

Many step-parents have learned that the hard way.

Hi OP.
If you have had a baby, that puts your sc in a vulnerable position.
I don't think it's fair on them to make major changes to plans.

Nails it, thank you

It's definitely understandable that SDC are struggling. This is a risk the adults involved chose for them. It's ok for kids to show their discomfort when a blended family arrangement isn't working for them, and even if you think it isn't, they're going to do it anyway.

But their dad is ultimately taking the piss.

YANBU

Why doesnt he look after your child at the same time then he might realise what hes asking.

I cannot believe this is an actual real thread. Seriously you are not even married to this man. These are his kids to organise childcare for and never should have been left to you nor should you ever have bent over backwards to do it. They have a mother who doesnt even work ffs why on earth is this even a question? Has to be about maintenance payments or she has something over him. My arse would I be giving up my annual leave for someone elses kids when they have two parents to organise it themselves and then also to put your own kid into nursery just to mind them is unhinged.

"SC have gone from well-behaved sweethearts to beating seven shades of hell out of each other any second they’re unsupervised"

As they are older primary their Dad needs to talk to them about this. The age of criminal responsibility is 10. What they are doing wouldn't be acceptable if they did this in school to a classmate so that is how you put it to them. Ask them what would happen if they hit another child in school? Start them thinking about that. It is completely unacceptable to allow siblings to hit each other without severe consequences.

We tell children in school to keep their hands to themselves and we do remind them that they know what is wrong and what is right and to make good choices. Even if you don't provide childcare then they should at least know this.

In school settings there are expected behaviour rules laid out with clear consequences. If a child is kicking off in class the teacher doesn't allow them to stay in the classroom they are removed, sometimes kicking and screaming and put into "calm the fuck down" rooms with a member of SLT or at least in the school I was in. In a house, there needs to be clear expectations of behaviour and swift consequences if the behaviour deteriorates.

Try and look at it from the children’s perspective. They didn’t ask for this situation.

Parental leave as others have suggested or how about an older teen/uni student to come to the house to supervise or take them to the park to kick a ball/swimming?

No, all the children are at home

Could your DP take parental leave? It would be cheaper than clubs (I imagine). Or find some clubs they are interested in - what hobbies and interests do they have? Mine don't love sports but have been to crafts things, STEM clubs etc

He thinks I should continue, based on me saying I would previously.

This is not a good reason. You are now saying that its too much. He isn't listening to what you are saying.

The answer is no.

Do the teachers and TAs looking after 15 kids also look after their own baby at the same time?

No way would I be using my holidays to care for sc when my child was in nursery. Could you find a compromise where thry go to an activity in the morning and you all go out in the afternoon? Walk on beach / mini golf / park / museum etc or maybe where they do 2 days at a club so you and baby have age appropriate activities and then you have them all for the other 3? If they fight, try and be outside as much as possible. If they are a right pain then either get dad to sort or send back to mum if he won’t.

Looking after four kids isn’t a problem for me. Prior to DD, we did childcare swaps with a friend who has two of similar ages and that was absolutely fine. The problem is managing four over a big age gap, whilst the older three are incapable of being unsupervised or not entertained for a second.

In the past, SC were better behaved. Since their mum had her baby (who is now 3), the screen time has gone up and attention gone down over there. I understand they’re less happy. But that doesn’t make the behaviour any easier or more pleasant to be around.

For me, the issue is the hypocrisy really. Even if SDC magically started being easy again, you still have a partner who thinks he should be able to choose which DC he looks after when, but you shouldn't. That's going to need addressing.

No they didn't. But their parents (NOT the OP) decided to have three children so it is down to them to arrange childcare for the children they chose to have. The OP has done more than enough over the years and can't keep using her own AL on her partner's children when she might need to use it for her own!!!

Reality is that it's going to be hard to build a life with a parent unless you incorporate care of their children as a shared responsibility.

Op decides to have a baby with someone who already has parenting commitments to 3 other kids. When does she have to bear the burden of her choice? It's quite possible they wouldn't even be together to have a baby unless she showed some compatibility with his lifestyle. So now to renege on that once she has her own baby is kind of shitty IMO.

Kids grow up and their demands on you change. It does sound like there is more than that going on but your own child will go through stages of being more of a challenge than they are now.