To renege on providing free childcare for SC

[Chipmusk]

I have SC 8, 9 and 10. We have them for half their school holidays so 6.5w a year (plus during term time).

In the past, DP and I have juggled our working patterns to minimise putting SC in paid childcare. We each get 4 weeks holiday and we did a week abroad all together, so I was doing 2.5 weeks a year of childcare by myself, leaving me .5 to myself (sometimes a few days more depending on bank holidays).

Circumstances have changed and I don’t want to do it anymore. AIBU?

What's changed? Well .. they have become violent and you are having to give up time with your dd.

Just say no. I get they are meant to be with their dad 50% but when you are looking after them they are not with their dad. It's silly to think their mum is sitting doing nothing and you are giving up your holiday and time with dd. You aren't leaving them in the lurch. Their mum is available.

I totally agree with you.
I think as a step mum you hve been spot on with using your AL to look after your three step children -but it’s ridiculous that your own precious little girl has to miss out on time with her mummy because you are expected to look after three kids who can’t behave.
She shouldn’t have to miss out on time with you. The ‘little’ years go so fast if you don’t spend that time with her you will regret it.
You are her mum first and foremost -prioritise her is my advice.

I’m not stopping him taking her out of nursery and having all four together. It’s his choice not to.

For my three weeks off work, I’d rather be with just DD than referring and protecting her from disrespectful and violent children. I already do that most weekends.

Thank you, this is what I will be doing. There’s no point in doing something I don’t want to do, that she doesn’t want, just to please others.

SC’s mum has never worked and is available to her children all the time. I work full time, and will still be spending half my weekends and at least 1/4 of my holidays with SC. That’s enough for me.

Presumably your DP will also pay mum extra maintenance if she has them more nights? Or did he just want lots of contact "on paper"?

He wanted them half the holidays so he should take leave (paid or unpaid) to be with them

I agree with you there. I hate that my ex insists on half the holidays even though he doesn't actually want them so they end up with their step mum (or step mum's mum) when I would happily have them with me.

That might be your moral position but it’s irrelevant. He’s not legally bound to have them half the holidays or pay their mum any more than he already does.

Not liking clubs isn't an emergency, no, but they're humans and allowed a preference. Spending all of your time either at school or in a club that feels like school isn't much fun as a childhood, if you don't like clubs.

If you don't want to take leave, fine - but tell your dh he is being selfish and let them stay with their mum. Presumably she CAN manage 3 kids plus a baby, as you say that they'd prefer to stay with her rather than be with you in a club, and she would let them.

Their behaviour is fairly typical of children their age, btw - it IS challenging entertaining older kids in the holidays, I remember it well. The bit when they've grown out of going on walks and doing crafts is pretty hellish, and siblings can be vile to each other. Your stepkids aren't uniquely awful.

You've said that you think nursery is good for your daughter and you don't mind her attending as it's also good for your husband to have to time with his other children.

If he's not doing 50:50 he is.

You doing HIS child care means he is doing 50:50 on paper. If you stopped facilitating this, he either has to do that childcare himself or she has to do it. If he is unable/unwilling to do it, then he could well end up having to pay more.

This isn't about morality.

You have got yourself into a situation where you are the free childcare and he takes it for granted. If you stop this, he has to do something himself which he doesn't want to do.

He doesn't want to be their parent because he can outsource child care to you. He doesn't want to deal with their behaviour because that's difficult, so it gets dumped on you.

You are his dumping ground and his kids are his dumpees as he sees them as a nuisance. Now you have a replacement for them they are going to play up even more because you no longer want to give them the attention they were getting from you but not their parents so it's like they've been dumped again.

They need their Dad MORE not less with the new baby for that reason. You can't provide that security because you aren't their mum and you have your hands full.

Honestly, why did you have a child with a man who dumps the kids he already has because it makes his life easier rather than because he wants to be with them. He's already shown you he wasn't great as a father as he likes to opt out. The problem is you aren't going to change him. You only get to control your own actions and that's making sure your daughter doesn't get dumped because she makes things too difficult and then gets less attention.

You said previously he paid through CMS so presumably he is already paying the legal minimum. So yes if he reduces time with his DC further he will need to pay more. Surely as a fellow mother of his children you expect him to do more than the legal minimum as a parent?

Of course it's his legal responsibility to do half the holidays, her affair doesn't mean that he gets to not do childcare or financially support his children.

Or she's on maternity leave or has her new partner support her financially. None of which negate the children's father from being responsible for half the holidays.

If mums not working - I don't see why you're having any holiday to cover childcare OR contemplating paying for clubs they will hate.

I'd say your DP needs to use 90% of his holiday for when your SC children are off - like any normal dad living under the same roof would. I'd say you need to use 50% of yours to be off at the same time as SC and DH to do things as a family with 2 adults and all 4 children. Then the other 40% of your holiday is for childcare of your own DD. That way both you and DH also have 10% holiday left for unexpected things/couples trip.

Could another solution be that he still sees them in the evening (like he would if you were babysitting). Perhaps he can negotiate at work to start earlier and finish earlier in order to collect them from their mums at a reasonable time, bring them home for dinner and a night at your house. Then you take them back in the morning before work?

Adding a 2 hr drop off before work? Will the DCs want to wake up and get out of the house that early?

Actually was feeling sorry for op earlier in this thread as she’s married to a useless twat who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of being a parent and looking after his kids. However the comment above about legally bound to have his kids at holidays or pay their mum you’re as bad as he is op. Why should someone have to be legally bound to have their children or to pay for them. I feel sorry for these children. You sound so very cold and when you break up this is the position you yourself will be in, you seem to think your child is better than sc they’re not and he’ll treat your child the same as his other children and you’ll be stuck for school holidays and he probably won’t be “legally bound” to take your child either. He needs to stop having children and cop on. All these children will resent both of you for the rest of their lives, however it’s coming across as you’d be happy if these children had no place in their father family, shameful.

also whether their mother works or not is irrelevant, your dp chose to have these children with this women long before you were around and it’s his responsibility to share 50/50 of their care. You chose to get with someone who you clearly knew was useless with his own kids and went on to have another with him and now you expect his children to suffer.

Stay unmarried OP, marrying him is not in your best interests.
He has used you enough for childcare.
Naive women get used this way.
Your own child sees little enough of you as it is working full-time, protect that time.
You may well decide that this relationship is not worth the effort with a man who is so avoidant of parenting.
The teens years will be nothing but brutal stress for you and your child sharing a home with such poorly parented children. Brutal.

He is probably out working as he mostly funds the lifestyle of OP and their baby. If he deprioritised work to be a more present parent, OP wouldn't have the life that she does. So she wants him to work enough to contribute as much as he does, but won't help with his children.

If he starts using his AL to look after those 3, she will complain he has none for holidays with her and baby.

Of course I understand they’d prefer to be at (either) home than at a club. But I’m talking about 2.5 weeks a year. It’s not going to kill them.

I don’t think they’re uniquely awful, but that their behaviour is currently such that looking after them is hard work and not pleasant to be around for DD. I’m hoping they grow out of it!

If they want to stay at their mum’s and she lets them, that’s her choice.

I can only assume you’ve never had any interaction with CMS. There are bands for the payment calculations:

• Band A: 52 to 103 nights/year = 1/7th reduction (approx. 14.3%).
• Band B: 104 to 155 nights/year = 2/7ths reduction (approx. 28.6%).
• Band C: 156 to 174 nights/year = 3/7ths reduction (approx. 42.9%).

This thread is about me not doing 2.5 weeks of weekday childcare, which would be 13 nights at most.

The calculation wouldn’t change.

It would make me sad my young child is in nursery so my dh can spend time with his other children. I treasure having my youngest at home, as a working mum, and all of our kids are mine. So everyone gets a bit of sad, and my child stays home with me on my weeks getting the parent time her dad doesn’t have for her. This would be a no brainer for me!!

The op works full time so why did you just make this bullshit up?

Did you read the thread? He spends 100% of his annual leave with SC. He doesn’t holiday with me and DD at all, except for a week SC are also with us.

And no, we each 50% of our household bills. So I actually subsidise SC’s costs. Good try to demonise the stepmum though!

you're most likely right, it’s coming across as op would be very happy if his 3 children weren’t around at all and she has his time etc. blaming children for bad behaviour when it’s very clear why they are behaving badly is awful too.

If she was the only one working full time or he took a job with fewer demands/less pay, then he wouldnt be able to contribute as much as he does. She doesnt have to be out of work for his contribution to matter.

Women mostly get paid less than men. It is more likely he is the highest earner and even if he isnt, his salary is likely to be high enough for it to make a big difference to their lifestyle.

See how things arent bullshit when you think them through?

So what if you do? You got with a man with a whole 3 kids so of course you can't build a life with him without incorporating those commitments? Yes you put 50%. So does he. What if he took a job that meant he could only pay 30% because he needs the flexibility to care for his 4 kids? Where do you think that 20% would come from?

I don't think you're evil. I think you didnt wuite realise what it would be like when to co-parent one child with someone who already has 3. I think you've perhaps been influenced on this site about how that works well and what is normal. It is normal that a stepparent would have to share the load of parenting in order to have the time to develop the type of bond necessary to become life partners. How they do that might differ but that is typvially part of how it all works.