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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do a present-free Christmas for my daughter?

319 replies

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 18:21

My youngest child, D7 (Id say DD but the way im feeling right now theres nothing dear about her), she has given me nothing but hell the past couple of years.

She had fallen in with a bad crowd of lads and been excluded from school several times for fighting, swearing, refusing to follow instructions, vandalising another childs property... Ive come down like a ton of bricks with her but D just doesnt see the serious side of it at all

After talks with the school in the summer it was obvious that D shouldnt be returning in september, now shes receiving alternative provision that involves tutoring at home while on the camhs waiting list

Shes no longer seeing those nasty old friends, and i thought things would finally calm down but if anything they got worse. Shes been so angry and spiteful, hitting me, attacking her older sisters, refusing to do her work. She had a tantrum yesterday that resulted in her grabbing hold of some of my christmas ornaments from the hearth throwing them and breaking them. I absolutely lost it with her, but its like screaming at a brick. No remorse, nothing. D has been given consequence after consequence but nothing seems to be working she just doesnt care, and ive just about had enough.

So once the kids were in bed i was in tears with DH i just didnt know what to do with her anymore. but he suggested she needed a shock to the system, so we agreed shes not going to get anything for christmas this year.

Mums coming over this weekend with presents but i rang her and explained the situation on the phone and i asked her to keep hold of D's presents for being naughty. But mum told me i was being unfair, and that it would not stop her misbehaving but only make things worse.

Ive spent an absolute fortune on D7 alone (nerf gun, football boots, lego cars and star wars) but it makes me feel sick the thought of giving her these things when shes been completely diabolical, she has no respect for my things why should i treat her to things she wants on christmas morning. Ive kept the receipts for everything of course so its not too late to take them back to the shops. My mum bless her is a softie with the kids but her voice is echoing over and over that it'll only make things worse but i just don't know what to do.

WIBU to give my daughter no christmas presents as a wakeup call?

OP posts:
Livingthebestlife · 09/12/2025 20:41

So from the age of 5 your DD was out and about hanging around with a bad crowd? Really?😶

BookArt55 · 09/12/2025 20:42

https://www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/outdoor/sports-and-equipment/football/strikesphere-soccer-bot-size-1-indoor-football-training-set/p/226557

Burns off all that pent up energy.
You can play with her and she can play alone.
Active- will help focus her feelings.

Just a thought!

Mildorado · 09/12/2025 20:42

That poor little girl. Have you taken her to the GP? You can pay for private counselling.
She sounds very traumatised.
The swearing and vandalism is a massive red flag.
What else has gone on?

Bloozie · 09/12/2025 20:45

Her behaviour is extreme but it sounds like your parenting is too - as if you withhold Christmas presents from a 7-year old... It sounds like you seriously like to rebuild a positive connection with her - she won't listen to a word you say if you're just dishing out increasingly harsh 'consequences'. If it's all stick and no carrot, what's the point in trying?

Far too much we don't know to give parenting advice though so I'll stop there - but yes, YABU. She's a young child, not the anti-christ ffs.

Tdcp · 09/12/2025 20:47

glittereyelash · 09/12/2025 20:07

My son had an issue with hitting when he was 4. I emptied his room of everything but the bed and every day he hit someone at school he had to sit in his room with nothing for the rest of the day. He came out for meals and to use the toilet. It was really tough and took weeks to work but it did. He very rarely has any bad behaviours now.

What in the actual fuck is wrong with you?!

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 20:47

How the hell does a six-year-old child "fall in with a bad crowd"??? Where were you and her father when this was happening?

Has she been assessed?

Can she stay with her grandmother for a day or two while you get a grip?

sparrowhawkhere · 09/12/2025 20:48

Do you show her you love her for her? Embrace her being ‘a tomboy’ not that we’d call it that now.

Do you or her Dad work? What are the ages of the other children?

Happyjoe · 09/12/2025 20:50

I am not going to shame the OP, she sounds knackered and at her wits end. I also am a firm believer of rewarding good behaviour and not rewarding bad. But no, Christmas with siblings getting gifts isn't going to be the time to do this, it will create many issues and I truly do not think it will help.

OP, is there anything your daughter is interested in while on the waiting list? Sometimes something they have an interest in can be the way into creating positivity and some self-worth and improving behaviour.. For example, one of my brothers was going off the rails and my parents tried many things. But it was enrolling him into the ATC when he was 12 that seemed to help more than anything. He was with kids his own age and older, was doing things (rock climbing, flying planes, camping, doing things in the community, boat holidays, Duke of Edin awards) which helped his energy and focus but it was the peer pressure of fellow children that helped the most. Suddenly he wanted to fit in and be part of a team.

And please don't knock the other methods of schooling. Lovely neighbours kid got expelled from secondary and after some one-to-one LA provided teaching is now in what was known as 'special school' when I was a kid. My goodness, the girl is thriving now and is even on track in doing her GCSE maths a year early.

midsummabreak · 09/12/2025 20:52

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 18:48

Ive pushed and pushed to try and get her in another school but theyre all oversubscribed (and with D having exclusions shed probably be low priority), i really dont want her to go to a pru because i feel like the children there would be worse than the ones at her old school and back to square one, but she cant continue at home like this im up the bloody wall

I used to think i was a good mum not perfect, but my older 3 kids have never had these problems, but my youngest has always been difficult even as a baby, shed scream her head off til she went purple and nothing could soothe her . so I think maybe something else is going on, but perhaps ive not wanted to consider it because i dont want to put a label on everything and maybe i foolishly thought i could discipline it out of her...obviously not good enough i dont know why shes so difficult

Show quote history

In an ideal world a much smaller classroom would be amazing. It’s just crap that you’ve had no luck. But with all that you are doing at home, all is not lost, it’s just that it takes time -and a lot of consideration and calmness on your part . In time she will very slowly mature to learn- and yes there will be more mistakes which will be upsetting-but that doesn’t mean it’s time to throw the towel in and cancel Christmas. Sometimes emotional maturity happens much more slowly, when children have different levels of emotional regulation and communication skills. Yes, there will be some hiccups and problems along the way-but with calm and thoughtful parenting you will slowly see some positives - within the scope of your child-and it’s important to have this in mind.. Take care of yourself and your young child and don’t allow her to be labeled “the difficult child “,just because she’s experiencing the world differently from other children in your busy family and at her very busy school and hasn’t had the average child’s emotional regulation skills and other skills, to help her to cope.
Maybe focus on getting her and the others to help get ready for Christmas. Can you give your children one simple job every day that you know each of them will be able to achieve at home to help , like empty rubbish and wipe table -and reward them with 10- 15 minutes of one-to-one time to read or colouring and chat together with a hot chocolate or drink. Get to know what gives her joy, what she finds stressful, how she her is feeling each day about herself and her world, and help her feel she can be an important and much loved part of the family.

User79853257976 · 09/12/2025 20:52

I have read that you’ve changed your mind OP, which is great. I don’t think you should rush her back to school. She needs a reset - lots of connection with you, days out 1:1 etc along with looking into a diagnosis. She sounds like she has ND. Show her and tell her that you love her just the same and you are going to help her.

IvyOrangesCandles · 09/12/2025 20:53

@VivienneDelacroix excellent post.

You are going to have to totally change your view op of this whole situation.

Cleanse your mind ,attitude ,pain built up resentment ,patterns and everything you think about her.

Re set and start again with some of the amazing help on this thread.

Livingthebestlife · 09/12/2025 20:54

glittereyelash · 09/12/2025 20:07

My son had an issue with hitting when he was 4. I emptied his room of everything but the bed and every day he hit someone at school he had to sit in his room with nothing for the rest of the day. He came out for meals and to use the toilet. It was really tough and took weeks to work but it did. He very rarely has any bad behaviours now.

What da fuck did I just read 😧😧😲😲😲

Thatsalineallright · 09/12/2025 20:54

It sounds really tough, OP. Some kids need really specialised parenting. I think you need to contact a parenting coach - someone you can talk to and who will give you tips for what to do in specific situations.

Original poster
JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 20:55

SmoothCollie · 09/12/2025 20:41

OP, I'm not suggesting that it'll fix your problems overnight but she needs a hobby/outlet and for a girl like your daughter I would seriously consider horseriding or equine therapy if you can find anything nearby. There's lots of evidence to suggest it helps and I've seen it work with many girls like your daughter - I am an ex riding instructor and the benefits are honestly quite something.

Its a lovely idea, but DD is a rough and tumble tomboy so she wouldnt be interested in that at all

Thanks anyway though x

OP posts:
Bloozie · 09/12/2025 20:58

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 18:48

Ive pushed and pushed to try and get her in another school but theyre all oversubscribed (and with D having exclusions shed probably be low priority), i really dont want her to go to a pru because i feel like the children there would be worse than the ones at her old school and back to square one, but she cant continue at home like this im up the bloody wall

I used to think i was a good mum not perfect, but my older 3 kids have never had these problems, but my youngest has always been difficult even as a baby, shed scream her head off til she went purple and nothing could soothe her . so I think maybe something else is going on, but perhaps ive not wanted to consider it because i dont want to put a label on everything and maybe i foolishly thought i could discipline it out of her...obviously not good enough i dont know why shes so difficult

Show quote history

Honestly this makes me so sad for her. Stop trying to discipline out of her, something she can't help.

Try and understand her.

Try and have a loving Christmas.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 09/12/2025 20:58

I’d call the local authority for a self referral to Early Help and Support (children’s social care). Hopefully they can organise TAF (team around the family) support as it sounds as though you need a number of agencies involved. I know you’re on a CAMHs waiting list and that’s good. She may have SEN and if so this needs to be identified. In the meantime I would assume autism or ADHD, if only to read up on strategies you can start to use to manage her behaviour. I’m glad to hear you haven’t cancelled Xmas but do keep it calm and predictable for her.

Namechange234567 · 09/12/2025 20:59

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 20:55

Its a lovely idea, but DD is a rough and tumble tomboy so she wouldnt be interested in that at all

Thanks anyway though x

Show quote history

I was a rough and tumble tomboy and loved horse riding... It's very physical and outdoors

Mildorado · 09/12/2025 21:01

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 20:55

Its a lovely idea, but DD is a rough and tumble tomboy so she wouldnt be interested in that at all

Thanks anyway though x

Show quote history

Don't pigeon hole her. Horse riding and equine therapy sounds ideal.

Bloozie · 09/12/2025 21:02

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 20:36

In with a crowd was at school on the playground and at parties or early playdates, its probably the wrong turn of phrase but it was very unpleasant behaviour from the boys and their dads rubbing off on my daughter

As for hobbies, dd loves building lego that calms her down. but for letting off steam she is football mad, problem is she only used to play with her mates or shed have a kickabout with her brother.

I know theres wildcats but i know she hates that because she doesnt want to play on a girls team, she only wants to play with boysConfused

Show quote history

She can play football with boys at her age. Loads of FA-affiliated youth football teams are mixed and she can play in a mixed team until she's 18 now.

Take her to a club. If it's something she's passionate about, it will teach her discipline and teamwork in a way that she can engage with. FA coaches are trained to deal with neurodivergent children and there's a massive emphasis on inclusion. If you search via the Boy's Football link, you will find your way to all the mixed teams in your area: https://www.sheffieldfa.com/players/youth-football

MonsterMamaJam · 09/12/2025 21:04

You need to find a way to connect with her, it’s clear she’s really struggling. She will be picking up on your resentment towards her, and that will be making things worse.
what are her triggers? Have you spent time to try and understand her? Really observed her? Children like this don’t respond well to being ruled with an iron fist - you’ll just all end up miserable. A great book you might like to read is the Explosive Child by Ross Greene

Hankunamatata · 09/12/2025 21:04

Bmx racing.
See if there is a track local to you. You can lend the bike and kit

Newsenmum · 09/12/2025 21:04

The best thing you can do is be firm and consistent but still shower her with love. She’s quite clearly unwell especially if she’s made it onto the camhs waiting list. Yes you need help. Giving her nothing would be throwing fuel to the flames.

Hankunamatata · 09/12/2025 21:05

https://www.britishcycling.org.uk/getintobmx

Nextweektoo · 09/12/2025 21:06

Have done a parenting course like triple parenting? Would you be open to some early help support from the council. It sounds horrendous for you all 😐

pintofpkss · 09/12/2025 21:11

Is this for real???
how can a 7 year old fall into a bad crowd! My 7 year old doesn’t go anywhere without me except in school. Are you allowing your 7 year old out on the streets with this “bad crowd” I’m lost I really am