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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do a present-free Christmas for my daughter?

319 replies

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 18:21

My youngest child, D7 (Id say DD but the way im feeling right now theres nothing dear about her), she has given me nothing but hell the past couple of years.

She had fallen in with a bad crowd of lads and been excluded from school several times for fighting, swearing, refusing to follow instructions, vandalising another childs property... Ive come down like a ton of bricks with her but D just doesnt see the serious side of it at all

After talks with the school in the summer it was obvious that D shouldnt be returning in september, now shes receiving alternative provision that involves tutoring at home while on the camhs waiting list

Shes no longer seeing those nasty old friends, and i thought things would finally calm down but if anything they got worse. Shes been so angry and spiteful, hitting me, attacking her older sisters, refusing to do her work. She had a tantrum yesterday that resulted in her grabbing hold of some of my christmas ornaments from the hearth throwing them and breaking them. I absolutely lost it with her, but its like screaming at a brick. No remorse, nothing. D has been given consequence after consequence but nothing seems to be working she just doesnt care, and ive just about had enough.

So once the kids were in bed i was in tears with DH i just didnt know what to do with her anymore. but he suggested she needed a shock to the system, so we agreed shes not going to get anything for christmas this year.

Mums coming over this weekend with presents but i rang her and explained the situation on the phone and i asked her to keep hold of D's presents for being naughty. But mum told me i was being unfair, and that it would not stop her misbehaving but only make things worse.

Ive spent an absolute fortune on D7 alone (nerf gun, football boots, lego cars and star wars) but it makes me feel sick the thought of giving her these things when shes been completely diabolical, she has no respect for my things why should i treat her to things she wants on christmas morning. Ive kept the receipts for everything of course so its not too late to take them back to the shops. My mum bless her is a softie with the kids but her voice is echoing over and over that it'll only make things worse but i just don't know what to do.

WIBU to give my daughter no christmas presents as a wakeup call?

OP posts:
popcornandpotatoes · 09/12/2025 20:17

Falling in with a bad crowd at 6 is pretty hard to comprehend. Almost unbelievable unless it is the shittest school in country.

Also, why would you buy a child with behaviour issues a bloody nerf gun. FFS

Original poster
JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 20:19

Hi everyone thank you all for your comments

Ive calmed down a little now and talked with DH again. Were going to scale back DDs presents slightly (the nerf gun is going back its probably not appropriate for her right now) but were not going to cancel it all together anymore, youre all right that its far too harsh and just going to hurt her more. The last thing i want to do is hurt her i just want her to behave and be happy, but shes such an angry little girlSad

I was reluctant before but i definitely think i am going to the gp for DD or contact social services for advice in the new year. Shes always been a difficult baby and some of her behaviours do seem a bit odd for a girl her age like she thinks very black and white, shes observant and gets hung up on small things most people dont notice

Also thanks for linking these books and resources will definitely have a read of them, im willing to try absolutely anything to help her

But christmas is not cancelled, my daughter is still my dd and always will be my dd i was just so cross earlier

OP posts:
VivienneDelacroix · 09/12/2025 20:19

YABVU

I work in children's mental health, and there is absolutely no way that a child is excluded from school at age 7 without there being one or more of:

  • SEND issues
  • abuse
  • trauma
  • attachment difficulties

A child who isn't valued at home or school will seek validation and belonging elsewhere - she has found it in this group of children. You need to pull her into your family, not push her out by punishing her. She hasn't make your life hell for two years - she's been trying to communicate something to you for two years. CAMHS can only do so much with such a young child, the real work takes place at home and it starts with love, attention, and empathy.

I have a very similar sounding daughter - she's now 11. She's autistic (demandant avoidant profile) and has ADHD, but it's my responsibility to parent her, advocate for her, teach her skills to regulate, and make decisions that take her out of harms way on her behalf. It's relentless, thankless, and hard - but I've never had a day when I didn't love her, and didn't tell I love her. The work starts with you. You need to love your daughter and show you do.

YesIReallyDidOK · 09/12/2025 20:22

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 18:48

Ive pushed and pushed to try and get her in another school but theyre all oversubscribed (and with D having exclusions shed probably be low priority), i really dont want her to go to a pru because i feel like the children there would be worse than the ones at her old school and back to square one, but she cant continue at home like this im up the bloody wall

I used to think i was a good mum not perfect, but my older 3 kids have never had these problems, but my youngest has always been difficult even as a baby, shed scream her head off til she went purple and nothing could soothe her . so I think maybe something else is going on, but perhaps ive not wanted to consider it because i dont want to put a label on everything and maybe i foolishly thought i could discipline it out of her...obviously not good enough i dont know why shes so difficult

Show quote history

A diagnosis is not a 'label'.

A label is deciding a child is difficult from birth.

RisingSunn · 09/12/2025 20:25

I thought you meant 17 - but just have seen you said 7.

Does she have any hobbies that she really enjoys - that could serve as an outlet? Perhaps that could be something you discuss over the Christmas period? So there is positive focus come the new year..

Perhaps with-hold some of the presents e.g. Nerf gun...but still gift her some of them.

Also I'm not sure how a 7 year old gets in with a crowd - are you letting her play out a lot unsupervised? Maybe the new hobby (if she has one) could replace that.

Aluna · 09/12/2025 20:27

I appreciate everyone has to live where they can but is there any possibility of moving to a quieter area?

Aluna · 09/12/2025 20:27

I appreciate everyone has to live where they can but is there any possibility of moving to a quieter area?

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 09/12/2025 20:29

Seven?! This is demented.

pinkspeakers · 09/12/2025 20:29

glittereyelash · 09/12/2025 20:07

My son had an issue with hitting when he was 4. I emptied his room of everything but the bed and every day he hit someone at school he had to sit in his room with nothing for the rest of the day. He came out for meals and to use the toilet. It was really tough and took weeks to work but it did. He very rarely has any bad behaviours now.

At 4?? OMG

Zov · 09/12/2025 20:31

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 18:32

Shes 7, youngest of 4 Sad

Show quote history

Dude.... Sad She is SEVEN!

YABVVVVVU!

UsernameMcUsername · 09/12/2025 20:31

I usually roll my eyes at the way SEN is the answer to everything on Mumsnet, but I would absolutely be looking at the possibility if I was in your shoes. I'm also quite strict by Mumsnet standards, but again even I would be slow to speed down on the punishment route in this situation. I do think something else is going on here.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/12/2025 20:32

I can't believe you thought you could "discipline" it out of her, that's so sad.

vickylou78 · 09/12/2025 20:32

I personally think you should do opposite of what you are suggesting. She needs you to love her! She's only 7! She needs your love and focus and attention to work out what will help her regulate/relax. Don't punish her with cancelling Christmas!

Clearly she is struggling with holding her emotions/impulses. Id be straight up the doctors with her and calling the Senco at school etc. she needs support. Girls getting into fights and swearing at school when they are only 7 is not normal!!

fatphalange · 09/12/2025 20:35

Do not go down this road.
Unconditional love. She’s 7.

gamerchick · 09/12/2025 20:35

She's a young child. Young children don't 'fall in' with a bad crowd that's out of your control.

You need to parent her as if she's already got a diagnosis. That means you have to learn how to parent a ND child.

Punishments don't work, she'll end up hating you and herself.

UsernameMcUsername · 09/12/2025 20:36

Also I don't want to freak you out, but is there any possibility she could have experienced abuse at any point? This all seems so outside the norm for most 7yos - and I went to a dog rough school and sent my own DC to a pretty mixed primary, so I'm not a delicate flower!

Original poster
JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 20:36

RisingSunn · 09/12/2025 20:25

I thought you meant 17 - but just have seen you said 7.

Does she have any hobbies that she really enjoys - that could serve as an outlet? Perhaps that could be something you discuss over the Christmas period? So there is positive focus come the new year..

Perhaps with-hold some of the presents e.g. Nerf gun...but still gift her some of them.

Also I'm not sure how a 7 year old gets in with a crowd - are you letting her play out a lot unsupervised? Maybe the new hobby (if she has one) could replace that.

Edited

In with a crowd was at school on the playground and at parties or early playdates, its probably the wrong turn of phrase but it was very unpleasant behaviour from the boys and their dads rubbing off on my daughter

As for hobbies, dd loves building lego that calms her down. but for letting off steam she is football mad, problem is she only used to play with her mates or shed have a kickabout with her brother.

I know theres wildcats but i know she hates that because she doesnt want to play on a girls team, she only wants to play with boysConfused

OP posts:
Okiedokie123 · 09/12/2025 20:36

She sounds like a very unhappy little girl. Being cruel to her (ie no presents) won’t solve anything . It will make her even more unhappy.
spending a fortune on her is never the right answer either.

Mildorado · 09/12/2025 20:37

Motnight · 09/12/2025 19:12

She's 7 and "fallen in with a bad crowd"?

Unbelievable. To the extent of being permanently excluded from school?
This is exceptionally rare. You're saying there's no school place for her? That's not what happens, something has to be provided.
What happened at the PEx meeting?

Aria999 · 09/12/2025 20:37

glittereyelash · 09/12/2025 20:07

My son had an issue with hitting when he was 4. I emptied his room of everything but the bed and every day he hit someone at school he had to sit in his room with nothing for the rest of the day. He came out for meals and to use the toilet. It was really tough and took weeks to work but it did. He very rarely has any bad behaviours now.

fucking hell, when he was 4? Yeesh.

Growlybear83 · 09/12/2025 20:39

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. At 7 she should understand that her behaviour is dreadful and must learn that there are consequences.

Dulcie6 · 09/12/2025 20:39

Omgod no. This actually breaks my heart. She will ALWAYS remember the Christmas where her own parents didn’t give her presents. She will probably end up hating your guts when she’s a grown up.

I can’t pretend to understand what it must be like dealing with a really difficult child, but basically cancelling Christmas is not the way forward.

Goingtotry · 09/12/2025 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Forthwith81 · 09/12/2025 20:41

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/12/2025 20:19

Hi everyone thank you all for your comments

Ive calmed down a little now and talked with DH again. Were going to scale back DDs presents slightly (the nerf gun is going back its probably not appropriate for her right now) but were not going to cancel it all together anymore, youre all right that its far too harsh and just going to hurt her more. The last thing i want to do is hurt her i just want her to behave and be happy, but shes such an angry little girlSad

I was reluctant before but i definitely think i am going to the gp for DD or contact social services for advice in the new year. Shes always been a difficult baby and some of her behaviours do seem a bit odd for a girl her age like she thinks very black and white, shes observant and gets hung up on small things most people dont notice

Also thanks for linking these books and resources will definitely have a read of them, im willing to try absolutely anything to help her

But christmas is not cancelled, my daughter is still my dd and always will be my dd i was just so cross earlier

I'm glad you've had a change of heart regarding Christmas. It's probably a good idea not to give her a nerf gun at this point for safety reasons. But are you still intending to use her presents as a punishment when you say that you are planning to "scale back" on her gifts? I hope not.

I mentioned the possibility of attachment issues above. Please look into this possibility. Do you think you bonded with her when she was a baby? Do you have a close connection to her now? What about her dad?

A story that may resonate with you: a friend has a child who experienced trauma early in his life (he was adopted by my friend). He was constantly in trouble at school, mainly because he was nearly always in flight-or-fight mode. The teachers and other professionals at his school repeated incessantly that he needed to "make better choices." My friend tried to explain that he wasn't always choosing to behave as he did, that it was an instinctual response to a sense of danger or stress. They couldn't or wouldn't understand. So one day during a meeting, my friend dropped a heavy book onto the table. The noise caused the teachers to startle physically. She asked them, "Why did you choose to jump like that?" That really helped them understand that behaviour is not always a choice.

It sounds to me that your daughter is struggling in ways that go far beyond "naughtiness" or being influenced by a group of little boys. I urge you to look into therapeutic parenting and to engage with professionals who can help your family.

SmoothCollie · 09/12/2025 20:41

OP, I'm not suggesting that it'll fix your problems overnight but she needs a hobby/outlet and for a girl like your daughter I would seriously consider horseriding or equine therapy if you can find anything nearby. There's lots of evidence to suggest it helps and I've seen it work with many girls like your daughter - I am an ex riding instructor and the benefits are honestly quite something.